Teenage son saw me having sex and now won’t speak to me

[mortified48]

Utterly mortified. Bit of background… been divorced for nearly two years after a horrendous marriage. Thanks to good friends helping me with an exit plan, I managed to get out and am now in my own lovely little home. Two DS, 11 and 14 who I share custody with my ex 50/50. Eldest son doesn’t always see eye to eye with his dad who lives about 20 mins walk away.

So yesterday was changeover day and as kids are on half term, they went back to their dad’s at lunchtime and I’m not due to get them back now until Weds (we use a 5 5 2 2 schedule). I was working Fri afternoon and suddenly my eldest appears in my house (he has a key) as he’d had a row with his dad and didn’t want to go back. DS and Ex have a decent relationship but they clash quite a bit and I’m very close to my son. I had a good talk with him and when my ex arrived to come get him, had a talk with him too, calmed the situation and they went back to my ex’s house.

Later that evening my boyfriend of one year came over for some food and a film. It’s worth mentioning here that my kids haven’t met him yet. They’ve bumped into him once, and I talk about him, but more as a close friend I guess. The reason for that is I’m not about to introduce them to someone unless I know they’re going to be sticking around. Ex got a new girlfriend straight after the split and has been with her for 22 months now. At the beginning the kids struggled a little with this, it was quite soon after the split; my ex did the same thing and didn’t introduce her to them straight away incase it didn’t work out. The kids were recently introduced to her properly, and seem ok with it, although it’s a little awkward for them as she’s a teacher at their school. Anyway.. I certainly wasn’t going to introduce my boyfriend to them when they were in the throes of adjusting to dad’s new girlfriend and going on holiday with her and her kids etc.. it’s a lot for them to take in still. So I’ve kept it as mentioning my boyfriends name quite a bit as a friend and then when im sure the relationship has a solid future, i figured this would make it easier to introduce him to the kids.

Back to last night.. boyfriend was round watching a movie, and at about 9pm we got frisky in my living room and then again in the bedroom and then made some food. My phone was in a different room charging. When I went to get it around 11:15pm , I saw a text from the ex at 11pm saying that (unknown to me), my eldest had had a row with him and had run to mine around 9pm, let himself in and saw me having sex 😣 and had got such a shock he ran back to his dads in his socks(!) and now isn’t wanting to speak to me because he feels lied to. I had NO idea he was even in the house and only found out when I went to get my phone from the other room at 11pm. Ex had also texted at 9pm to say DS had rowed with him and was running to mine but I hadn’t seen this. Ex didn’t appear to have tried to stop DS running to mine.
i immediately tried to get in touch with DS as I could see he was still online, but he said he didn’t want to talk and turned his phone off. He’s really upset. I think the “feeling lied to” is probably because I haven’t introduced my boyfriend to him yet and he feels kept in the dark (which he hated when it happened with my ex’s girlfriend at the beginning of their relationship).

Utterly mortified and need advice how to handle this. I’m so close to DS, and he’s never not wanted to talk before and is obviously very shocked and embarrassed and upset. Help!

Finally someone with sense!

This is a very good approach to take with your son. It's the truth and it's gentle and very reassuring.
You could write it to him if he continues not to want to talk.

My son found my vibrator under my mattress (I know he shouldn’t have snooped but he did) and sent photos around his friends. Mortifying!

😳🤣🤣🤣🤣🤗

Oh calm down. Child psychologist?? 😂

he’ll get over it.

Right!! I thought it was just me but I find this gross even if the children weren’t around 🤮 hope you at least put a throw on the sofa or whatever.

People saying she deserves to have a love life, you can have a love life without having sex in the living room of the house that your children stay in the majority of the time.

It’s a horrible thing to witness. Yes he may know his mum might be having sex but to actually see that is horrible especially when the man involved is someone he’s never met.

It’s a hard one to manage if he shuts down about it but at least he told his Dad. I’ve heard cases where kids have kept it to themselves until adulthood but being very upset about it to the point it’s adversely affected their behaviour.

I wouldn't beat yourself up.

It's his problem not yours.

Some kids survive wars, famine, genuine trauma.

This one doesn't need a shield psychologist for seeing his mum shagging!

Tbh I think you just don’t make a big deal of it. Sounds like your ex trying to down play it was the right thing to do. I would offer an opportunity to talk about it but focus more on the relationship rather than the sex - talk about how you didn’t want to introduce them yet and reassure him nothing will change (like you aren’t moving the fella in or anything). That surely more important. Teenage boys are allowed to be mortified but there’s no reason he should be traumatised. He presumably knows you’ve had sex!

I would robustly cut off any discussion or handwringing about the sex tbh. Adult women are allowed to have sex. It is highly misogynistic to suggest that you did anything wrong and if he starts trying to control this, I would shut that discussion down immediately. But ffs, stop shagging in the lounge if you live with others! Communal spaces should be for communal activities only, even if you’re the only one who pays for the house!

That goes for all private activities!

He was supposed to be at his father's, so his own behaviour caused his upset. I would be telling him this and not apologising for anything or giving long explanations to a child, who thinks he can do what he likes and that the world revolves around him.
Also stop this dreadful habit of text messages, which may or may not get read. If there is something wrong at least have the courtesy to telephone!

I agree with this.

It wasn’t like op wanted her son to find her like that.

These things happen. People are human!

I would just text and say really sorry he saw that and obviously he wasn’t meant to and if he wants to talk about it you can. And just tell him you love him and you’re sorry to hear he had a row with his Dad and can you help / listen?

That’s it.

This. ❤️❤️❤️

Exactly. We’ve become so prudish about it all. Parents are people too and still have a sex life. He wasn’t meant to be there!

Get bolts on your front and back doors. You're entitled to live your life without worrying about the kiddie police.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I don’t think loads of posters piling on to tell the OP how she should have done things differently is particularly helpful. It has already happened.

I agree with those who are saying your son needs time to process this OP. It’s good that he was in a position to go back to his dad’s rather than everything turning into a big drama in the moment. I think that saying he felt lied to, while it is probably true, was an easier thing to latch onto than admitting he was horrified at seeing his mum having sex. I would say that is most likely what is affecting him most. There is definitely a conversation needed about his volatile relationship with his dad that causes him to rush home at the drop of a hat. And, while the whole thing is embarrassing, he also needs to understand that, while you are always his mum, you aren’t necessarily in ‘parent mode’ or some sort of holding pattern while he isn’t around. You are allowed to have a compartment of your life reserved for doing grown up stuff that is your business alone.

The OP hasn't done anything wrong. She was having sex with her new bf in her own house because she assumed her son was at his dad's. (Agree that having sex in the living room is a bad idea, though, and disrespectful to the sons who also use that room).

Is OP supposed to never have a life in her house on the off chance her elder son will come home unexpectedly?

Having said that, it was a shock for him, and I think giving him a bit of space is a good idea. I like PPs advice of saying you're willing to talk when he is - and that you love him.

I’m not sure what you could have done differently. Not introducing new relationships until a year-ish has passed is reasonable and normally encouraged on here. The door was locked but DS had a key - also reasonable because it’s his home. Even if you’d have had sex in the bedroom, he would have come in, looking for you, and would have noticed what was going on.

This was unlucky, but you need to have a life. You sound like a great mum, you have a strong relationship with DS, it sounds like you also maintained a solid co-parenting relationship with ex, and you were mindful about not introducing a new man into your sons lives too early.

It was unlucky, no one wants to see their parents having sex, but he’ll get over it. Give him time and send him a text to apologise tiff he’s seen that.

I would apologise for the fact he felt embarrassed, but no more

I mean - yes - poor boy. He’ll be really embarrassed. But if he’s old enough to have a key to the house and be coming and going, then he is old enough that he knows about sex. Completely agree with @IfIHadAHeart on this - apologise for the fact that he feels embarrassed, but you haven’t done anything wrong. You thought he was at his dad’s and that you were alone in the house. Maybe have a frank talk along the lines of “didn’t want to make a big deal about Bob until we knew it was going to work long term, but you did know he was my BF?”. I think the more you treat this in an adult way with him, the more likely he is to react to it like an adult himself when he’s got over the original mortification. I love the line from @feckingmassivecakeandvesttop‘s DS actually - “we shall never speak of this again”…. Have a sensible conversation with him, acknowledge his understandable embarrassment and leave it at that.

Badly worded on my part! Not questions about the sex but questions about the boyfriend who he has never met yet….

Not sure why a few people are acting like you’ve committed the crime of the century.

I would message him and apologise for what he saw, explain you didn’t know he was coming over & also the reasons why you’ve never introduced him as your partner.

You can’t really do more than that.

I don’t think I would try and talk to him face to face about it as I imagine he would be mortified.

He will get over it x

Boring 🥱 shag in every room I say!! Gutted for the OP but her son will get over it or have a funny cringe story when he’s older. Sex isn’t anything to be ashamed of in the privacy of your own home. It’s just unfortunate timing.

Nice bit of victim blaming for a lad that has just seen his mum shagging and has just had a fall out with his dad, and is upset.

"A child who thinks he can do what he likes and that the world revolves around him." Awful comment

Lets face it, he has seen worse at school.

There's an American book called 'kick ass single mom' which is worth a read as it's very much in opposition to the Mumsnet consensus of strictly keeping your dating life and kids separate for prolonged periods of time.
I certainly don't agree with everything she says on the book but she reasons out her arguments well and it is an interesting alternative position.

She talks about how the most effective way to parent is modelling positive behaviour (totally true), and that since we all want/hope our kids will grow up feeling able to talk to us openly about relationships and sex (up to point!!) then we need to model that same behaviour.

So put yourself in your son's shoes, if you had walked in on him having sex with someone he had consistently described as a friend to you, possibly even denying further when asked, how would you be feeling right now.

I understand you have done what you did to protect him, but i think in hindsight you got it wrong.