Teenage son saw me having sex and now won’t speak to me

[mortified48]

Utterly mortified. Bit of background… been divorced for nearly two years after a horrendous marriage. Thanks to good friends helping me with an exit plan, I managed to get out and am now in my own lovely little home. Two DS, 11 and 14 who I share custody with my ex 50/50. Eldest son doesn’t always see eye to eye with his dad who lives about 20 mins walk away.

So yesterday was changeover day and as kids are on half term, they went back to their dad’s at lunchtime and I’m not due to get them back now until Weds (we use a 5 5 2 2 schedule). I was working Fri afternoon and suddenly my eldest appears in my house (he has a key) as he’d had a row with his dad and didn’t want to go back. DS and Ex have a decent relationship but they clash quite a bit and I’m very close to my son. I had a good talk with him and when my ex arrived to come get him, had a talk with him too, calmed the situation and they went back to my ex’s house.

Later that evening my boyfriend of one year came over for some food and a film. It’s worth mentioning here that my kids haven’t met him yet. They’ve bumped into him once, and I talk about him, but more as a close friend I guess. The reason for that is I’m not about to introduce them to someone unless I know they’re going to be sticking around. Ex got a new girlfriend straight after the split and has been with her for 22 months now. At the beginning the kids struggled a little with this, it was quite soon after the split; my ex did the same thing and didn’t introduce her to them straight away incase it didn’t work out. The kids were recently introduced to her properly, and seem ok with it, although it’s a little awkward for them as she’s a teacher at their school. Anyway.. I certainly wasn’t going to introduce my boyfriend to them when they were in the throes of adjusting to dad’s new girlfriend and going on holiday with her and her kids etc.. it’s a lot for them to take in still. So I’ve kept it as mentioning my boyfriends name quite a bit as a friend and then when im sure the relationship has a solid future, i figured this would make it easier to introduce him to the kids.

Back to last night.. boyfriend was round watching a movie, and at about 9pm we got frisky in my living room and then again in the bedroom and then made some food. My phone was in a different room charging. When I went to get it around 11:15pm , I saw a text from the ex at 11pm saying that (unknown to me), my eldest had had a row with him and had run to mine around 9pm, let himself in and saw me having sex 😣 and had got such a shock he ran back to his dads in his socks(!) and now isn’t wanting to speak to me because he feels lied to. I had NO idea he was even in the house and only found out when I went to get my phone from the other room at 11pm. Ex had also texted at 9pm to say DS had rowed with him and was running to mine but I hadn’t seen this. Ex didn’t appear to have tried to stop DS running to mine.
i immediately tried to get in touch with DS as I could see he was still online, but he said he didn’t want to talk and turned his phone off. He’s really upset. I think the “feeling lied to” is probably because I haven’t introduced my boyfriend to him yet and he feels kept in the dark (which he hated when it happened with my ex’s girlfriend at the beginning of their relationship).

Utterly mortified and need advice how to handle this. I’m so close to DS, and he’s never not wanted to talk before and is obviously very shocked and embarrassed and upset. Help!

Unfortunately this is a scenario that often plays out when parents are separated and get a new partner. My teenage son heard me having sex once and was very cross with me. He also went into my phone and looked in hidden photos (I wrongly thought they could only be unlocked with biometrics) and saw some intimate photos. The first one I was very apologetic and made sure it didn't happen again - I genuinely thought he was asleep and the only noise he heard was a bed creaking as we were always silent when he was in the house anyway. The second one he got a bollocking for going through my phone. He did get over it and hasn't been scarred for life and our relationship is fine. He needed time and to be able to talk to me openly when he was ready about how it affected him.

He'll come round. Time is a great healer. Apologise for keeping him in the dark and tell him the reasons.

Why not? Best to be open and honest about everything now. Probably son told him though.
Ex actually sounds pretty decent, saying mum deserves to have a relationship. I assumed he'd be like a lot of men and think it's ok for him to do it, but not his Ex!
I do feel very sorry for the son though. His mum's home is obviously his safe space and he's struggling with going between two homes, his dad's relationship etc.

Oops how embarrassing. Maybe he shouldn't sneak around when hes meant to be at his dad's.
Its not something most youngsters would want, to witness his mum or dad having sex but I'm sure he will get over it.
Least said , soonest mended is the way to go, in my opinion

😂😂😂

It's not your fault OP. Eldest DS should have been with his Dad. Your DS will get over it. ATM he probably thinks you were having sex with a stranger because you didn't tell him you had a bf. Just tell him it was your bf of 1 year and he might feel a bit better about it.

My parents would be mortified if they knew what I got up to in their living room as a teenager!

No one wants to see their parents slapping their bits on the sofa

I feel for you as it's easy to think once you're in your own home with the kids safely at dad's house, you can do as you please. My mum had a key to my house and very rarely she would just appear in my hallway having let herself in - I was usually pottering around so not so embarrasing but it was a good lesson that if someone has a key, they might just let themselves in even if I wouldn't do that without ringing on the bell.

I am intrigued that so many people say it is your house as if it isn't your son's house too or maybe only his part time. I wonder whether part of this for your son (the fallings out with his dad/showing up at your house) is because he doesn't have a place that feels completely like home for him? As I say, I know that isn't you saying that but other posters so you may feel as if your home is your son's home but it might be worth finding out if he feels that.

You sound as if you have a good relationship with him so in time you'll repair and who knows, maybe even have a few conversations that could make things better than before this? If he won't see you, maybe write him a letter and offer to introduce him to the bf and explain that this relationship is serious but your instinct is to protect him and his brother from meeting a bf who then disappears.

Yes and it sounds like it was that part that the son was more upset about, the sex part is just embarrassing but he’ll get over it.

But it’s still your son’s home.

I think that your DCs need to understand that they cannot move freely between their parents' houses.

Where would you rather the lad went if he was in need then? Batshit imo. As a single parent post divorce I would rather the encounter the OP's son had than him feel that he couldn't come home. It is his home f g s, or are you suggesting that children from divorced parents don't have the right to call somewhere home.

Let him into his own home and he’s in the wrong?

wonder if the views on how awful and wrong the dc is would change significantly if it was a young daughter who walked in on her dad shagging someone who was a total random to her on their living room sofa?

Might just be me here but I see no need for the OP to be giving her child a blow by blow account of a new relationship as it’s non of his business and she’s conducting herself in a very sensible manner being cautious with introductions. First relationships after divorce often go spectacularly pear shaped after seeming wonderful so I applaud you op.

He won’t be the first kid to catch his mum shagging and he won’t be the last. And yes it’s fine to have some boundaries about him not bursting in, he needs to learn to sort out his arguments with his dad with out running about in the middle of the night between houses. Where’s the line with that, is it ok at 3am? If you all still lived together he wouldn’t have that option and op is entitled to a private life.

Like everything else op, this too shall pass.

Secrets are never good, maybe you should have told your DC that you ve a boyfriend? even introduce him, this guy has been your BF for a year after all.

Sure the relationship might not last but your marriage didn't either, there are no guarantees.

But he is a teenager, he'll get over it IF you communicate with him, he must surely know about sex by now.

🤣🤣🤣

Always leave your key in the lock! That way he would have to knock to get your attention to open the door. You can then claims that oops it was an accident leaving the key in the lock.

It’s your son’s home. He, and everyone else living there, has a right not to see family members having sex in a public room.

Could you introduce a rule that all sex happens in individual bedrooms? Might save you some embarrassment when your son starts dating.

OP, it’s your home and you thought you and lover (l’m old school when it comes to terminology) were both home alone. You are quite entitled to have sex in your own living room when you are not expecting anyone.

It has been an unfortunate incident, it would have been better had you slipped the catch on the front door but you didn’t. That ship has sailed.

People have friendships and people have sex, which is how your son arrived here in the first place. It won’t scar him for life. You have a right to a private life without disclosing it to family.

It appears your ex was thoughtful enough to inform you, and your son should have told you he was home; that's just common courtesy. Also, having a boyfriend means sex, which isn’t dirty or wrong.

Don't feel guilty; he will eventually get over it. Probably tell all his mates though.

You haven't done anything wrong.

This.

He wasn't 'lied to', you're an adult, his Mum, he's not entitled to know about your sex life.

However, given how much he argues with his Dad & he does as he pleases coming back to yours in a strop I'd probably not have had sex in a communal area.

That said, from a safety aspect, I wouldn't be allowing a 14 yo to be running out of his Dads whenever he was pissed off. He's his Dads responsibility at that tune, what if you had gone out/away? Or if he'd gone into town not to yours. It's not responsible parenting by his father.

DS will get over himself. I wouldn't be pandering to his 'not talking to you' nonsense.

The other thing worth adding is that many teenagers seem to be under the impression that sex is for young people only.
I remember a discussion when one of my DCs was a teenager and they were genuinely surprised that it might be something “older”people engaged in!
Your DS will get over it- he just need time to process things. I would give him space to do that, then answer any questions he may have.

Have you read the OPs posts? I agree about the arguing with dad, but the rest has been very clearly answered more than once

I agree with @Plumbed. It’s a bit embarrassing all round but it was an accident, no one is at fault here.

Send a text OP saying you are sorry he saw that and you are also mortified. Then move on, I highly doubt he wants to talk about it.

😂