Teenage son saw me having sex and now won’t speak to me

[mortified48]

Utterly mortified. Bit of background… been divorced for nearly two years after a horrendous marriage. Thanks to good friends helping me with an exit plan, I managed to get out and am now in my own lovely little home. Two DS, 11 and 14 who I share custody with my ex 50/50. Eldest son doesn’t always see eye to eye with his dad who lives about 20 mins walk away.

So yesterday was changeover day and as kids are on half term, they went back to their dad’s at lunchtime and I’m not due to get them back now until Weds (we use a 5 5 2 2 schedule). I was working Fri afternoon and suddenly my eldest appears in my house (he has a key) as he’d had a row with his dad and didn’t want to go back. DS and Ex have a decent relationship but they clash quite a bit and I’m very close to my son. I had a good talk with him and when my ex arrived to come get him, had a talk with him too, calmed the situation and they went back to my ex’s house.

Later that evening my boyfriend of one year came over for some food and a film. It’s worth mentioning here that my kids haven’t met him yet. They’ve bumped into him once, and I talk about him, but more as a close friend I guess. The reason for that is I’m not about to introduce them to someone unless I know they’re going to be sticking around. Ex got a new girlfriend straight after the split and has been with her for 22 months now. At the beginning the kids struggled a little with this, it was quite soon after the split; my ex did the same thing and didn’t introduce her to them straight away incase it didn’t work out. The kids were recently introduced to her properly, and seem ok with it, although it’s a little awkward for them as she’s a teacher at their school. Anyway.. I certainly wasn’t going to introduce my boyfriend to them when they were in the throes of adjusting to dad’s new girlfriend and going on holiday with her and her kids etc.. it’s a lot for them to take in still. So I’ve kept it as mentioning my boyfriends name quite a bit as a friend and then when im sure the relationship has a solid future, i figured this would make it easier to introduce him to the kids.

Back to last night.. boyfriend was round watching a movie, and at about 9pm we got frisky in my living room and then again in the bedroom and then made some food. My phone was in a different room charging. When I went to get it around 11:15pm , I saw a text from the ex at 11pm saying that (unknown to me), my eldest had had a row with him and had run to mine around 9pm, let himself in and saw me having sex 😣 and had got such a shock he ran back to his dads in his socks(!) and now isn’t wanting to speak to me because he feels lied to. I had NO idea he was even in the house and only found out when I went to get my phone from the other room at 11pm. Ex had also texted at 9pm to say DS had rowed with him and was running to mine but I hadn’t seen this. Ex didn’t appear to have tried to stop DS running to mine.
i immediately tried to get in touch with DS as I could see he was still online, but he said he didn’t want to talk and turned his phone off. He’s really upset. I think the “feeling lied to” is probably because I haven’t introduced my boyfriend to him yet and he feels kept in the dark (which he hated when it happened with my ex’s girlfriend at the beginning of their relationship).

Utterly mortified and need advice how to handle this. I’m so close to DS, and he’s never not wanted to talk before and is obviously very shocked and embarrassed and upset. Help!

Ah not your fault OP, I would just get a lock for your bedroom door and keep everything confined to the bedroom from now on in case your kids show up at the house in the future if they have keys.

You had no idea your son would come late at night with no warning when you weren't due to have him. I agree with giving him space, he's had a shock and noone wants to think about their parents having sex. It sounds like your ex is being reasonable about it. Xx

People posting about what OP should or shouldn't have done regarding locking the doors, or not having sex in the living room are not really helping.

The only thing OP maybe should have done differently is not been so vague about her bf. She an adult, and entitled to a private life. At the end of the day, it's just bad luck. Apologise that you were not as open as you could have been about your relationship and for not being more discrete, but leave it there - certainly don't try to "talk about it"...

And not have sex in the living room when her teen son has a key and hours before had let himself in unannounced!!

I don’t think there is a lot more you can do right now apart from let the dust settle, apart from ( try ) to explain to your kids that you have a new boyfriend but he doesn’t replace their father, it’s also good that their father had backed you up.

You might have some awkward conversations to have with your kids now and introduce the new boyfriend as well

I've told this true ( mortifyingly so ) story before, but will repeat it as I hope it makes you feel better OP.
When my DS was 16yo he msged me to pick him up after his work and I said no because he'd be home by the bus before I got to him. Texted my DP and found he was nearby DS so asked him to collect him.
He said no as it would be more time in the traffic.
I texted him back " Pls he's haing a rough time lately, can you just get him. I'll give you the best bj tonight in exchange".
Silence from both parties.
Finally a msg from my son "mum do you know who you sent that last msg to".
I went into a carpark as was considering running away; called my DP and told him the story and he had to pull over into a side street as he was laughing so hard.
I went home and hid upstairs. They arrived together, DP still chortling, and DS called up "we shall never speak of this again", which set DP off into gales of laughter again. ( he'd decided to pick up DS anyway before my msg - the one that went to the definite wrong person).
Yours in mortification OP!

I can't believe the people chastising you for daring to have sex somewhere other than in the bedroom with the door closed in your own empty home.

It would have been best to tell them earlier than you had a boyfriend, even if you weren't going to do introductions until later. He's got a lot to unpack but hopefully you will resolve it together bit by bit.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP

This is something no one would choose to happen but it’s a good opportunity to show your DS you can have adult conversations about sex and talk about even excruciatingly awkward things. I would send him a message saying you are sorry about what happened and you’d like to have a talk about it when he’s had time to process it. Then sit him down and explain your reasons for not telling him about the relationship before. You are the parent, he is the child. You made a good decision and you can stand by it. It sounds like your ex is also saying the right things which is good. Talk to your son about how to navigate privacy going forward. I suspect he’ll ask you keep sex to the bedroom which is fair enough. Best of luck.

To have such foresight, you must be perfect.

The kid is in the wrong, not the OP.

Give him some space. It must have been a bit of a shock for him 🥴. You are in a loving relationship and doing what comes naturally with it. Just apologise and move on. I think the bigger problem is why he keeps running away from his dad’s.

Oh and that 16yo is now 32 and about to be married and we could not be closer and share everything , (except our sex lives). Definitely not our sex lives!

Your benchmark for a perfect human being is terrifyingly low.

Your teen boy let himself in unannounced hours before you are shagging your boyfriend on the sofa In The living room!

🙄

It’s in her first post.

Try not to tie yourself in knots about it. Obviously it’s horribly mortifying - but you haven’t done anything wrong.

You are an adult and entitled to a private life without telling your kids. Even if this was a random man, not your bf, it’s not really any of their business.

So while you obviously need to be sensitive about his distress, don’t go too heavy on the apologising as it makes it look like you’re ashamed of your behaviour and you’ve done something wrong.

You probably should confine sex to your bedroom though if you live in a house with other people, even if you’re not expecting them back.

The teen let themselves in.

They're the one in the wrong.

Unless you made some weird and completely inadvisable promise to the kids to remain single forever, you haven't done anything wrong.
The kid will get over it. Be guided by him if he wants to talk/not talk.
If he wants to talk, tell the truth without details.
Unless the guy is his teacher (in which case kid would be totally justified wanting to switch schools!!) don't rush into introductions.
It's good manners to always knock before coming in (we always do it, although sadly friskyness on the couch is highly unlikely, it's just manners to knock before coming in)

You could try only having sex in your bedroom. Like most parents do when they have older kids. Maybe get a lock on your bedroom door to be extra safe.

When mine were little and didn’t have a key etc there was no risk. Now that they are older I just keep it to the bedroom, my kids don’t know any man in my life exists as it’s very much a situationship. It’s not ideal, I get that, as it’s nice to have spontaneous sex wherever the mood takes you but again I think back to if I was still with their dad and we all lived together all of the time it would be even tricker so I don’t feel particularly entitled to this freedom, yes I’m single but first and foremost I’m a parent all of the time

The kids were far away, at their dad’s house, with their dad!

Nobody is in the wrong!!! It’s the kids home which he is entitled to enter. His mum had just learnt a lesson and they can all move on

There is a lot of fuss about not much on this thread. Your ex was sensible. You got unlucky and your boy will learn that on reflection the reason he is upset is more to do with hormones and what ever else was bothering him. His dad is having sex, his mum has sex and he will have sex. Getting carried away in the front room isn’t the worst thing to do. Maybe it provokes some chats that need to happen.

I agree. DS is at a difficult age and he has to learn to cope with his feelings. It was a bit embarrassing, but not the end of the world.

But OP knows her son has form for coming home spontaneously after arguments with his dad, and has a key. I would not have sex in the living room because my teen told me he wasn’t back till X time as there is always a risk he’ll come back early.

This is a learning moment. OP needs to learn from it not be told ahe did nothing wrong.

It's embarrassing for everyone but no crime has been committed. I think that your DCs need to understand that they cannot move freely between their parents' houses and that each parent is entitled to boundaries and privacy when the DC are at the other parent's house.