Teenage son saw me having sex and now won’t speak to me

[mortified48]

Utterly mortified. Bit of background… been divorced for nearly two years after a horrendous marriage. Thanks to good friends helping me with an exit plan, I managed to get out and am now in my own lovely little home. Two DS, 11 and 14 who I share custody with my ex 50/50. Eldest son doesn’t always see eye to eye with his dad who lives about 20 mins walk away.

So yesterday was changeover day and as kids are on half term, they went back to their dad’s at lunchtime and I’m not due to get them back now until Weds (we use a 5 5 2 2 schedule). I was working Fri afternoon and suddenly my eldest appears in my house (he has a key) as he’d had a row with his dad and didn’t want to go back. DS and Ex have a decent relationship but they clash quite a bit and I’m very close to my son. I had a good talk with him and when my ex arrived to come get him, had a talk with him too, calmed the situation and they went back to my ex’s house.

Later that evening my boyfriend of one year came over for some food and a film. It’s worth mentioning here that my kids haven’t met him yet. They’ve bumped into him once, and I talk about him, but more as a close friend I guess. The reason for that is I’m not about to introduce them to someone unless I know they’re going to be sticking around. Ex got a new girlfriend straight after the split and has been with her for 22 months now. At the beginning the kids struggled a little with this, it was quite soon after the split; my ex did the same thing and didn’t introduce her to them straight away incase it didn’t work out. The kids were recently introduced to her properly, and seem ok with it, although it’s a little awkward for them as she’s a teacher at their school. Anyway.. I certainly wasn’t going to introduce my boyfriend to them when they were in the throes of adjusting to dad’s new girlfriend and going on holiday with her and her kids etc.. it’s a lot for them to take in still. So I’ve kept it as mentioning my boyfriends name quite a bit as a friend and then when im sure the relationship has a solid future, i figured this would make it easier to introduce him to the kids.

Back to last night.. boyfriend was round watching a movie, and at about 9pm we got frisky in my living room and then again in the bedroom and then made some food. My phone was in a different room charging. When I went to get it around 11:15pm , I saw a text from the ex at 11pm saying that (unknown to me), my eldest had had a row with him and had run to mine around 9pm, let himself in and saw me having sex 😣 and had got such a shock he ran back to his dads in his socks(!) and now isn’t wanting to speak to me because he feels lied to. I had NO idea he was even in the house and only found out when I went to get my phone from the other room at 11pm. Ex had also texted at 9pm to say DS had rowed with him and was running to mine but I hadn’t seen this. Ex didn’t appear to have tried to stop DS running to mine.
i immediately tried to get in touch with DS as I could see he was still online, but he said he didn’t want to talk and turned his phone off. He’s really upset. I think the “feeling lied to” is probably because I haven’t introduced my boyfriend to him yet and he feels kept in the dark (which he hated when it happened with my ex’s girlfriend at the beginning of their relationship).

Utterly mortified and need advice how to handle this. I’m so close to DS, and he’s never not wanted to talk before and is obviously very shocked and embarrassed and upset. Help!

Ok? We know this by reading the OP, she clearly states she was mortified

But ultimately he does need process it and get over it. The OP can follow it up with the appropriate care but he still needs to understand it's normal and not inappropriate for her to be having a physical relationship.

I'm interested to know what you think is needed now.

'Disgust' - really? I assume he has had formal sex education at school, his parents have probably had separate discussions regarding relationships and sex and at that age he has probably seen way more graphic content in the playground with his peers group. Parents, divorced or otherwise are allowed to have sex and treating such acts as disgusting or dirty is borderline Vicorian. The lad will be fine. The OP just needs to apologise for shocking him but she should not apologising for having a healthy sex life and perhaps both parties need to have a discussion about privacy and boundaries.

Er, no it’s not a rite of passage to catch your parents.

I never caught mine and my older teens have never caught us because we’re careful to make sure that never happens.

You say you had a miserable marriage and I have no doubt that’s the case. But your ex really stepped up here and said absolutely the right thing to your DS about you deserving a relationship and being happy.

Your kids are already going on holiday with your ex’s girlfriend and that’s huge, that’s integration. Meanwhile, through your own choices, you have been in a relationship for a YEAR and are sneaking around and lying to your children. I’m not surprised your DS is so hurt.

Surely a year is long enough to know if your relationship will last and let’s face it you can be with someone for a decade and never truly know if something will last. All we know for sure is death and taxes. You have to be honest with the kids, if your relationship doesn’t work out long term then that’s teaching them that’s life. I am sure your sons would love to see you happy.

Have you even considered your boyfriend’s feelings? Does he want to meet your children? Has he hinted that he does? Does he feel compartmentalised? Does he feel hidden like a dirty secret? And the poor guy knowing the first time your son saw him he was having sex with you. It’s not all about you! Consider him and his feelings too! There are two people in your relationship.

Good on your ex for saying this.
I think it will be ok, he just needs time. Tbh, any teenage boy who sees his parents having sex would be a bit of a shock regardless of who with.

When he's calmed down, apologise that he saw what he saw and then just tell him the truth. He's old enough to understand at 14.

You could have prevented him actually seeing it by confining sex to the bedroom. I think that needs to be the rule really, for anyone who has anyone who isn't their partner living in their home.

Yep. There are some very strange people on this thread who see it as a rite of passage or who think it’s ok to have sex is communal areas of your house when you have kids.

Some will just not really understand boundaries, but some will be creepy pervs. There used to be a returning poster on the sex board who liked to talk about his step kids catching him and his wife having sex. He clearly got off talking about it and there will no doubt be a few of those sickos here. 🤮

Oh my god give over and give this woman a break. She had sex privately and had no idea he’d come in. She needs advice not judgement, that’s why she’s on here to help sort his mental health out. Is everyone on here so perfect? I doubt it.

Its only guidance and overnight was not mentioned, he could just text his Mum to let her know and she can come back.

Yes, also. He has a dad so OP won't be introducing him as a prospective father figure. So i don't understand the pearl clutching around waiting so long to introduce him, or even just tell the truth about him.

Introduce him as what he is, mums boyfriend who will be popping up in his life now and then, but won't presumably be living with him any time soon, or parenting him, hardly a big drama.

Obviously if their are safety concerns then reassess the relationship.

I don’t think grown adults should be having sex anywhere but the bedroom with a closed and preferably locked door when they share the home with other people.

I do wonder if the puritans on this thread have ever experienced some of the life changes that the OP and her son have gone through?

By all means comment from a place of experience in navigating new adult sexual relationships when you are divorced with teens and an ex husband.
But shut the f**k up with your judgment if you haven't!!!

@Pyjamatimenow - But at the time there was nobody else in. The problem was an unexpected visit.

I think the best thing to do going forward is to take the key off of the child.

Agree with others OP next time stick to the bedroom and close the door. To the issue itself, I'd let him cool down and then when you are in the car or somewhere he can't escape but you aren't looking at each other i would just tell him matter of fact that you have started seeing someone and you were planning to introduce him soon but wanted to do it in the right way. You are disappointed that he found out like this and that he walked in on a private moment when he would not have expected anything like that to be going on. You know he must have been shocked, horrified, and embarrassed but unless he wants to discuss it you don't need to discuss it anu further. However [BF] will be a part of your life from now on and you'd be very happy to discuss that with him if he'd like.

I’d give him a few days to calm down. Maybe message to say you are ready to talk when he is.

He is old enough to explain to, that most parents don’t introduce new partners to their children incase it doesn’t work out.

He can feel lied to or betrayed or whatever, but it is yours, and your ex’s, job to keep them safe, and that means not introducing strangers to them. Just because you are his mum, doesn’t mean you can’t have a private, adult life.

Its not nice to see a parent having sex so I’m sure that is part of the shock.

No one did anything wrong. Give him a bit of time and he'll get over it.

I try to keep lying to a minimum but in this situation I would. Tell him he hasn't been kept in the dark, you have been friends with that man and feelings had developed. Unfortunately, that was the night you decided to make your relationship physical.

Or tell him couples often keep their relationship secret from people in the early days until they know whether it is going to last or not.

But you may find "being kept in the dark" isn't the main reason he was upset. It probably just sounded more grown up than being horrified by seeing you in the act.

I doubt very much he is naive about relationships and sex though, not with the internet at his fingertips and his peers at school. He will get over it, the OP should tell him the truth, apologise for not telling him how serious she and the fella are, explain why she didn't and not make a big deal of it. Hopefully once he's got over the (understandable at any age) shock of seeing a parent have sex, he will follow her lead that it's not a big deal.

I’m so sorry. But maybe as your kids are still not adults it’s not your place, you need to think of it as their home too- and keep to the bedroom?

Your sex life sounds like great fun! Do you keep the lights off as well? Grown adults should be able to have sex where they wish, provided it’s private and not encroaching on anyone else’s eyes/ears. In this case OP was doing that. Her son wasn’t meant to be there.

The living room is not private if other people live there. It’s a shared space in a shared home. When a child has two homes, one home doesn’t cease to be theirs when they’re at the other.

So then the kids knows he is only a guest in his mother's home?! It is normal for a 14yo to have a for key and a reasonable amount of independence.
OP needs a mature chat with him about messaging ahead or ring doorbell and giving a bit of time when arriving during his 'dads' time, as this may well work the other way in a few years time, so is a valuable life lesson and habit for everyone to get in to.

Don’t apologise for having sex. That makes sex a dirty thing to be ashamed of.

However you do need to apologise for having sex in a communal area, in a place where the children sit imo.

Hopefully it teaches him a lesson for storming out of his dad’s!