Teenage son saw me having sex and now won’t speak to me

[mortified48]

Utterly mortified. Bit of background… been divorced for nearly two years after a horrendous marriage. Thanks to good friends helping me with an exit plan, I managed to get out and am now in my own lovely little home. Two DS, 11 and 14 who I share custody with my ex 50/50. Eldest son doesn’t always see eye to eye with his dad who lives about 20 mins walk away.

So yesterday was changeover day and as kids are on half term, they went back to their dad’s at lunchtime and I’m not due to get them back now until Weds (we use a 5 5 2 2 schedule). I was working Fri afternoon and suddenly my eldest appears in my house (he has a key) as he’d had a row with his dad and didn’t want to go back. DS and Ex have a decent relationship but they clash quite a bit and I’m very close to my son. I had a good talk with him and when my ex arrived to come get him, had a talk with him too, calmed the situation and they went back to my ex’s house.

Later that evening my boyfriend of one year came over for some food and a film. It’s worth mentioning here that my kids haven’t met him yet. They’ve bumped into him once, and I talk about him, but more as a close friend I guess. The reason for that is I’m not about to introduce them to someone unless I know they’re going to be sticking around. Ex got a new girlfriend straight after the split and has been with her for 22 months now. At the beginning the kids struggled a little with this, it was quite soon after the split; my ex did the same thing and didn’t introduce her to them straight away incase it didn’t work out. The kids were recently introduced to her properly, and seem ok with it, although it’s a little awkward for them as she’s a teacher at their school. Anyway.. I certainly wasn’t going to introduce my boyfriend to them when they were in the throes of adjusting to dad’s new girlfriend and going on holiday with her and her kids etc.. it’s a lot for them to take in still. So I’ve kept it as mentioning my boyfriends name quite a bit as a friend and then when im sure the relationship has a solid future, i figured this would make it easier to introduce him to the kids.

Back to last night.. boyfriend was round watching a movie, and at about 9pm we got frisky in my living room and then again in the bedroom and then made some food. My phone was in a different room charging. When I went to get it around 11:15pm , I saw a text from the ex at 11pm saying that (unknown to me), my eldest had had a row with him and had run to mine around 9pm, let himself in and saw me having sex 😣 and had got such a shock he ran back to his dads in his socks(!) and now isn’t wanting to speak to me because he feels lied to. I had NO idea he was even in the house and only found out when I went to get my phone from the other room at 11pm. Ex had also texted at 9pm to say DS had rowed with him and was running to mine but I hadn’t seen this. Ex didn’t appear to have tried to stop DS running to mine.
i immediately tried to get in touch with DS as I could see he was still online, but he said he didn’t want to talk and turned his phone off. He’s really upset. I think the “feeling lied to” is probably because I haven’t introduced my boyfriend to him yet and he feels kept in the dark (which he hated when it happened with my ex’s girlfriend at the beginning of their relationship).

Utterly mortified and need advice how to handle this. I’m so close to DS, and he’s never not wanted to talk before and is obviously very shocked and embarrassed and upset. Help!

This 100%.

Posters saying he will be traumatised and devastated and etc. Well he broke the plan to stay the fuck away.

Let him sort it in his own head. No-one died and the OP is allowed a life.

I don’t get some of these answers. You’re allowed to have a life. Yes it’s mortifying that he’s seen you but he’ll get over it. It’s not like you were swinging from the ceiling in bondage gear. Maybe you should have made it clear that this man was a partner but we all make mistakes.

You are divorced.
Your son will have to accept you are a single woman.
Sort out your home security going forward.
Key in door when locked.
Apologise once for his shock BUT you were in your home on your own, as is your right.

Be very careful of allowing your sons to dictate your life.
You are divorced.
Your husband moved on, and so have you.

Do not give him the impression that he gets to decide how you live your life.

Sons can be like that if they aren't put straight very firmly.

I think posters on this thread are forgetting that this CHILD is FOURTEEN. He’s not an adult, he’s not even a young adult and it would be entirely different had he been 17 for example. A fourteen year old child is still often very emotionally young and those saying he just needs to get over it clearly have no concept of the emotional maturity of the young teenage brain.

Another vote for you've done nothing wrong. What you do in the privacy of your own home is up to you. Mortifying for everyone but it's just embarrassment. It's hard having older kids who aren't there all the time...just yesterday my DD pulled up on the drive unannounced at rather an inopportune moment (the bedroom windows were open) 🙈🙈

Your son will be fine. He'll probably relay the story for laughs when he's older.

I think a lot of posters are just sticking in the boot in.

Do you really think her DS wouldnt have been bothered if he'd "only" heard them at it in ops bedroom, which likely would have been the only difference had they done it there and he'd entered the house without telling her?

Actually seeing it made it more embarrassing for him but he still would have had all the rest of the issues about feeling lied to/grossed out.

Theres nothing wrong with a grown adult having sex in your own house when you have every reason to expect you are alone. The only thing op has done "wrong" is not telling her kids about her partner but she has explained why she made that decision, which was prioritising what she thought was best for her kids - for all ds knows today was the first time their relationship had moved beyond friendship in which case it would be ridiculous for her to be expected to tell them in advance!

It would be good if she could provide him with an explanation but she doesnt owe anyone an apology.

Keeping a key in the door does not always mean another key can't be used. I know of a family member who, when even they put a key in the lock, it can still be opened from the outside- I've done it there myself.

More important is a lock on the bedroom door.

It's unwise to lock someone out if they need to get in if it's an emergency otherwise they need to phone and may be unable to.

Antiques Roadshow?

The judgment from some of the posters on this thread is shocking and reflects badly on them rather than you OP.
It's fine to enjoy your relationship and have sex in the living room.
You're have not scarred your son for life.
Give him space and explain why you were pacing the introduction to your BF.
You have clearly been prioritising your kids, I can see that in the decision to buy your own place near their dad's house.
It will be fine. Ignore the judgemental puritans. You deserve to start building a life for the future when your kids are grown. That starts now.

🤦‍♀️

That poor boy!!
Even as a grown adult I don’t think I’d be able to get over the disgust at seeing my parents having sex!! 🤢🤢

But you didn’t intentionally have sex so that he could see it and that’s the most important thing here.

I would text him (teens prefer talking over text).
Don’t mention the sex at all (he’s probably trying to erase it from his memory as it is)
Just explain that his dad said he was upset because he saw a man in the house etc and explain why you haven’t told him everything yet - exactly as you’ve said here, that you’re taking things slow and wanting to see how things go before introducing him properly.

I do feel sorry for him because he is now going to feel like he has no safe space.
He’s constantly arguing with his dad and now feels like he can’t go to his mums.

Could you go to your bfs place instead?
That way you can tell your DS that you’ll be staying at his and so if he needs to go home he can but you just won’t be there.

@Coconutter24 You mean her living room?

And you mean she was forced.

Some leap there, don't you think?

The might have an old cabinet on it that has a paper version of mumsnet in one of the drawers.

At least the drawers are in place though, unlike this thread.

It is something everyone does in their own home however it’s not something a teenage child wants to see their parents doing. Her son will get over it, I agree but right now he’s upset and probably disgusted which is ok for him to feel however normal it may be to have sex

That way you can tell your DS that you’ll be staying at his and so if he needs to go home he can but you just won’t be there.

He's 14. That's just the absolutely minimum age to be home alone according to NSPCC and not necessarily overnight.

I’m not sure what you are talking about? Can you elaborate because no where have I said it’s not her living room or that she was forced?

sorry it was @TheseWordsAreMine

I feel sorry for the boy, I would be so disturbed as a 14 year old actually seeing that. Hearing would be bad enough.

Disappointing to see so many people act like he doesn’t have a right to be in his own home. His mum’s home is his home. Like someone else said, now he feels like he has no safe place. It’s either arguing with dad or accidentally seeing mum have sex (in his mind).

We did laugh it off, but we stuck to "we shall never speak of this again" all these years later. I wouldn't over analyse it OP @mortified48 A pp was right with "less said the better".

Please do not accuse concern for a child as a priority as misogyny. The 21 Century needs more nuance than that.

This 100%

A teenager may not want to see, true, but neither did the OP want the teenager to see.

My friends three kids had free range between both houses as teenagers.
On turning 18 her DD said to her "you and dad did a good job you didn't fuck us up at all"... High praise from a teenager!!

Quite a few PPs are saying it’s not unusual to overhear or see your parents having sex. However, IMHO, parents are one thing. However cringey, they’re your parents. Same with a long-standing cohabiting DP/step-parent.

But looking at it from this lad’s perspective, he’s trying to process a family break up. At 12 (tough age) his parents split. He has to leave the family home, which is sold. And shuttles back and forth between parents in new places on an irregular pattern, perhaps not yet feeling settled in either home and likely missing his old, settled childhood home/life.

Within a couple of months of the split, his dad has a new gf, who’s also a teacher at his school. But no one tells him and he’s only just been blindsided by that and is no doubt still trying to process it. The fact she’s a teacher makes it different to any random gf. But he’s now expected to join her and her kids (who he may also know) on holiday. Hence, likely difficult being with his dad.

Then, he walks into his mum’s home (where may’ve felt more comfortable as no new DP/teacher to contend with) only to find a strange man there having sex with her. Yes, she’s mentioned the bf, but more as a close friend. So he may not have twigged he’s her bf. So, now the feeling of not knowing what’s going on/feeling unsettled is likely compounded.

IMHO, that’s not at all the same as overhearing your own parents, who you’ve always lived with and feel settled with. This lad has so much to get his head around and adjust to. They were all together in the family home only two years ago.

And all at 14, which is a v difficult age for any kid, when he’s not long left his childhood behind, is trying to figure out who he is as a young adult, is starting to feel sexual himself and his hormones are raging.

I don’t want to worry OP, as if she handles this OK (as I’ve suggested in a PP) I’m sure it’ll be fine. But someone I know saw their dad having sex with an OW and it really messed them up for a v long time. Not helped because it was never talked about (the dad didn’t know). But that wasn’t in a home they had to live in. The dynamic of a teenage lad finding a strange man with his mum in his home is much more difficult IMHO. Strange men can seem more frightening.

IMHO, the lad needs to be prioritised, given time, space, encouraged to talk, to be told what’s happening and to feel settled. And to have a bit of fun. Brushing under the carpet or minimising (or being expected to go at his dad’s pace) could be v damaging. He could internalise it all.

Thank you 🙂