Teenage son saw me having sex and now won’t speak to me

[mortified48]

Utterly mortified. Bit of background… been divorced for nearly two years after a horrendous marriage. Thanks to good friends helping me with an exit plan, I managed to get out and am now in my own lovely little home. Two DS, 11 and 14 who I share custody with my ex 50/50. Eldest son doesn’t always see eye to eye with his dad who lives about 20 mins walk away.

So yesterday was changeover day and as kids are on half term, they went back to their dad’s at lunchtime and I’m not due to get them back now until Weds (we use a 5 5 2 2 schedule). I was working Fri afternoon and suddenly my eldest appears in my house (he has a key) as he’d had a row with his dad and didn’t want to go back. DS and Ex have a decent relationship but they clash quite a bit and I’m very close to my son. I had a good talk with him and when my ex arrived to come get him, had a talk with him too, calmed the situation and they went back to my ex’s house.

Later that evening my boyfriend of one year came over for some food and a film. It’s worth mentioning here that my kids haven’t met him yet. They’ve bumped into him once, and I talk about him, but more as a close friend I guess. The reason for that is I’m not about to introduce them to someone unless I know they’re going to be sticking around. Ex got a new girlfriend straight after the split and has been with her for 22 months now. At the beginning the kids struggled a little with this, it was quite soon after the split; my ex did the same thing and didn’t introduce her to them straight away incase it didn’t work out. The kids were recently introduced to her properly, and seem ok with it, although it’s a little awkward for them as she’s a teacher at their school. Anyway.. I certainly wasn’t going to introduce my boyfriend to them when they were in the throes of adjusting to dad’s new girlfriend and going on holiday with her and her kids etc.. it’s a lot for them to take in still. So I’ve kept it as mentioning my boyfriends name quite a bit as a friend and then when im sure the relationship has a solid future, i figured this would make it easier to introduce him to the kids.

Back to last night.. boyfriend was round watching a movie, and at about 9pm we got frisky in my living room and then again in the bedroom and then made some food. My phone was in a different room charging. When I went to get it around 11:15pm , I saw a text from the ex at 11pm saying that (unknown to me), my eldest had had a row with him and had run to mine around 9pm, let himself in and saw me having sex 😣 and had got such a shock he ran back to his dads in his socks(!) and now isn’t wanting to speak to me because he feels lied to. I had NO idea he was even in the house and only found out when I went to get my phone from the other room at 11pm. Ex had also texted at 9pm to say DS had rowed with him and was running to mine but I hadn’t seen this. Ex didn’t appear to have tried to stop DS running to mine.
i immediately tried to get in touch with DS as I could see he was still online, but he said he didn’t want to talk and turned his phone off. He’s really upset. I think the “feeling lied to” is probably because I haven’t introduced my boyfriend to him yet and he feels kept in the dark (which he hated when it happened with my ex’s girlfriend at the beginning of their relationship).

Utterly mortified and need advice how to handle this. I’m so close to DS, and he’s never not wanted to talk before and is obviously very shocked and embarrassed and upset. Help!

And not talking about it would be likely to cause more issues as demonstrated by some other poster’s experiences on here.

This.

I can't believe the dramatic posts inferring he has been damaged, disturbed and scarred by this. Its all a bit over the top. At best he is probably a little mortified and a bit embarrassed.

Those who are saying 'I would never do that in the lounge etc' have obviously never made a dodgy judgement call in their lives before or been totally overthrown by passion that they have to have someone now.

Okay so shagging in the lounge, probably not your best idea. You messed up and let yourself get carried away at the exact time your DS happened to come home and catch you at it. Its not the end of the world.

However it obviously needs addressing. A conversation about your boyfriend, apologising for what he saw and that you will be more careful in the future is hopefully all you need to do. I doubt he will need counselling after this.

Other than that we all make mistakes and we all do things in hindsight that were probably not the best idea but no-one died. 😘

Try not to beat yourself up and let it just be a reminder that maybe its best kept to the bedroom in the future and maybe its time to let him meet the guy now that is making you happy.

Feel like there’s a few teenage boys mentioned on this thread who would like to be a bit controlling over what their mothers are up to. Going through phone pics etc.

What’s that all about?

When I was 13 or so I was playing outside and got locked out of our apartment without warning by a parent while they had their partner (not my parent, they were divorced already) over. I had to go to the bathroom and peed my pants and it was awful.

I still remember it. I tried knocking on several other doors but those people weren't there to let me in to use their toilet.

Also, OP has done nothing wrong and the fucking flouncing would do my head in. Tell him and his dad to sort that out.

'If he has form for coming home randomly and had already done so once the day before, I don't understand why you allowed this to happen at all'

Exactly. Op, you share your home and this dc has form for coming home unexpectedly so either lock the door and leave the key in it, or have sex in your bedroom with the door closed. Obviously.

In the meantime I'm sure he'll get over it just use some common sense going forward.

It's not locking him out, putting the chain on just means he can't walk in when she's there without alerting her to the fact that somebody is trying to get in. He's got a key, he's not locked out, he could go there anytime if he feels the need to get away from his Dad when his mum is out, but she also needs some privacy and a life. That's allowed, even for parents!

I'm a little confused by this thread. DS should have been with dad. He storms off, into the night. Again. Surely this needs to be addressed? OP is right, imo, to have kept her relationship to herself for a while - running potential partners past tween/teenage children isn't a thing, is it? Didn't OP say the kids have only been introduced to dad's girlfriend recently, despite him seeing her for nigh on 2 years? Why hasn't dad (according to some posters) been 'lying' to his kids? Why is it ok for DS to deal with dad dating his teacher, but it's going to mess up his psyche knowing mum has a boyfriend or heaven forbid, has sex?! It seems like the seeds are sown early reinforcing the idea that women aren't/shouldn't be sexual beings. Someone even said DS might be uncomfortable with it being a man he didn't know/a one night stand. Why? How/why is that different?

Not when there’s kids in the house. It’s nothing about being prudish ffs 🙄 those who think it’s ok for their kids to hear them shagging all the time is verging on abuse 🤢

Fred & Rose West thought nothing of their kids seeing and hearing them shagging too, and Mick and Mairead Philpott 🤢 you aren’t edgy and adventurous because your kids can hear you ffs. It’s vile.

My kid can hear the neighbours. Where does that sit on the scale of vileness?

The boy told his Dad when he went back to dads house it says so in an earlier post

Ffs that's sick and not related at all.

Give over with your tabloid style hyperbole

This

This is wild now!

Can you point out anywhere in the OPs post where she has suggested such a thing?

are you just bored today or always this deliberately trolling?

Well, that escalated!

Ex had also texted at 9pm to say DS had rowed with him and was running to mine but I hadn’t seen this
@mortified48

So make sure you are aware when your ex and ds try contacting you.

I would have thought you'd want to be contactable by phone in case of emergencies anyway.

She took one hell of a risk having sex in her own bedroom when her children were at their dad's? I take it you've been completely celibate since your first child was born?

Am I the only one who thinks maybe this is the kick up the backside the kid needed? Fighting with his dad and storming out on a regular basis is terrible behaviour. He needs to learn that he's not the main character in the universe and his parents are people with their own lives.

Yes, he'll be traumatised, but FFS she was shagging her boyfriend in IN HER OWN BEDROOM when her kids weren't home. Kid needs to learn a bit of respect and boundaries.

They were 'getting frisky' in the living room. I'm sure if he walked into her bedroom she might have noticed.

You took a risk. He’d already let himself in unannounced once that day because of an argument with his father, so he could easily do it again (and he did).

The context matters here. He was clearly already feeling emotionally fraught so ran to somewhere he felt safe. He then walked in on that, which just compounded everything. If he’d walked in on it when he wasn’t already very upset, his reaction may well have been different.

No one can tell you the degree to which this will impact him, and in turn your relationship with him. It may also impact his feelings about your house, and how comfortable he is there (particularly in the living room). He may choose to stay with his father for the time being. What isn’t a big deal to one person can be damaging to another.

Tbh it doesn’t really matter what anyone else’s thinks he should or shouldn’t feel about it, or whether you should or shouldn’t have done it, because you have to deal with the real world impact of how he actually feels about it, which isn’t anywhere near as neat, rational, and principled.

Right now he’s reeling, so give him the space he’s requested.