Warning for younger mums about finances and career sacrifice in divorce

[DoctorMumDivorcee]

Getting divorced after 26 years. I gave up my career as a surgeon to raise the children and support my husband in his career. He earns four times my salary and can work remotely from anywhere. We have worked hard and built up businesses and renovated properties and made a significant amount doing this. He was always in charge of finances, completed self assessment tax forms for me, took my payslips, did household bills while I did kids renovated homes and kept my hand in working as a part time GP. I am 54 and have 13 years before I can start to receive our pension. I had expected the court to ask him to pay me some maintenance but he cleverly resigned from his job just as we decided to divorce so it now looks like I earn more than him. He has also spent a fortune in a very expensive lawyer and travelling the world with his new girlfriend. The court will not give this back to me as ‘add back’ and say the money has gone. I am posting because I want all you younger mums to be aware that if you give up a career you will not be supported. You might get child maintenance until youngest is 18 but spousal maintenance is much harder to get. Please don’t give financial control to your husbands. You must try to understand it and you can. I am understanding but now and realising what terrible investments my husband has made over the years - he always said I was useless and spent to much. Turns out it was the other way around!!

I'm a lawyer and did a bit of family law in the past. All this talk about choosing the right man and all - the man you divorce is never the same you marry. I've seen previously perfectly nice men acting as utter bastards when 'their' assets are concerned.

The best advice my mother gave me was to "never be financially dependent on a man".

Thank you for sharing your wisdom OP. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you for clearly highlighting this to younger / innocent people.

I have seen a few times the classic story line:
well earning male goes self employed / contractor as soon as relationship gets serious / children are on the way. They are terribly smooth and helpful and “I’ll sort that out” and “can you just sign here” and if a joint business they then palm off a smaller company in the wife’s name, his company looks paultry whike hers has magnificent figures, then bang divorce and male looks like a pauper so gives very little in support.

Will add I have heard a few accept joint custody, then while wife is flogging herself at work to pay for everything male goes for full custody and yep wants full child maintenance as she earns more and he cleverly gave up working (to be a house husband / collect children from school etc), a year before he walked out with the new gf.

So to add don’t give up your job and don’t let him either!

This is so true. I think it's also so important for your confidence to keep working because you keep learning and meeting people and being challenged. I was lucky to get back into work with a good job once my kids hit their teens but it so easily could have not happened because of ageism and sheer competition, and I think I only managed it because I'd always kept some work ticking over. Had I kept working for myself I'd be feeling quite isolated by now and not earning nearly as much as I am now.

Good luck OP. I hope you work it all out and thanks for starting this conversation.

That's not entirely correct though, is it. It isn't a level playing field. If she gave up a high earning career to look after their mutual children and thereby making it possible for him to climb the career ladder unhindered by keeping his back free, then really that needs to be taken into account after a long marriage. It's unrealistic that she can now quickly kick-start her career in her 50s and attain the same level. He profited from her looking after the kids.

Why just not marry and not have children.

Most men's kindness only exists for women they're having sex with or hoping to have sex with. Most women only realise this at middle age. It makes one wonder what the point is as marriage is just a transaction to them.

agree, if you're only willing to settle down with a man on the basis of having access to an undisclosed account of emergency exit money he's not someone you should be having children with
And if it's true that there isn't a man on the planet who can be relied upon do we need to think radically? Is the nuclear family toxic, and the separatists had the right idea back in the day?

Thank you for your honesty OP and I truly appreciate the vulnerability of women in your situation and those who have been Sahm.
That said, I know women who haven't been treated unfairly and whose husbands treat them with the love and respect they deserve.
It's important not to be cynical as there are some happier outcomes.
My own story is that of single parenthood with no financial support whatsoever. I learnt along time ago never to depend on anyone. I worked full time and more to keep the boat afloat..
That said, I have friends and family who are in long , happy marriages who have weathered the inevitable storms of long term relationships.
But I truly understand your warning and I wish you a happy future.

@DoctorMumDivorcee no question that your exDH has behaved appallingly towards you and this is indeed a stark warning to others.
Let's hope karma is alive and kicking and comes back to bite him hard.
The positive is that you can at least earn decent money in your own right even part time. Your lifestyle may have to be simpler but at least it will be totally under your control.
The pension bit does need to be resolved but it's unclear what you do and don't have currently. Wishing you the best for the future.

I remember being so jealous of friends who were able to give up their careers and be SAHMs when the kids were little..I was fortunate enough to be able to.work part time but I had to work, amd holidays and nursery and school was a constant juggle and also felt guilty. And also they tended to be more financially well off than us so there was envy there. Not vindictive, just I was envious.

Fast forward to me at 52, career is thriving, I feel a real sense of purpose and a sense of me. I feel I have been a good role model to my kids (17 and 20) and don't worry about empty nest because I have so much going on. I'm confident if things went south with my husband that I can stand in my own two feet financially. And some of my friends I was so envious of have had OHs who have the cliché mid life crisis and left the relationship and they are suffering with lack of confidence while I feel I the opposite. Also I think the financial and career equality with my DH has really helped our relationship in numerous ways.

I keep saying to my daughter to never give up her career if she has kids.

All the best to you OP and this is so important to highlight. I have some close friends going through some tough times for these absolute reasons.

I have known hundreds of couples over the last 30 years and the ones that stay together have two common denominators a woman that will put up with absolutely anything to stay married
And I’ve heard some absolutely shocking revelations that if it was your daughter you would be in tears
Or a man who is fully aware that he can do exactly as he please and she will accommodate, more than that she will facilitate
Everyone else where it’s been a partnership or there’s been some equality
It’s ended in divorce

Great post! I still struggle with the guilt of working FT but, currently in a tough period of my marriage, the one thing making life less stressful is that I have a solid career and im financially literate and know I could leave if it comes to that.

Why would he pay you maintenance when youre 54 years old? How old are your children?

A useful thread. Forty years ago, my mum kept the heavily mortgaged house but never saw a bean of my dad's large salary earned abroad.
Some men are absolute shits, but the real driver for unfairness and abuse is the person they're leaving for. His kids aren't theirs and second or third wives ... or even husbands care more for their own standard of living than yours.

For those in professions, earning potential is based upon existing live contacts and networks, an unplanned return to work after a gap or reduced hours is very difficult to recover from as the OP says.

Maintaining detailed records is time-consuming and not very romantic, but pays dividends.

I agree, sadly. I had the nicest, kindest and non confrontational partner for many years. Purely because he held all the power financially and therefore decision making. I lived in his house and paid him rent for years. And when I went on maternity leave, he offered me a ZERO PERCENT LOAN to subsidise my statutory maternity… I left him shortly after

I agree and think it’s very old fashioned to let men control finances however tbh I don’t see why once the kids are grown the other half has to provide for the spouse I think split any equity in property but their salary or future salary /pension etc should just belong to whoever’s earning it

Like others my mother’s oft repeated advice was A Man is not a Financial Plan. It’s true. I had 1 child by choice took 12 months off on paid maternity leave and have worked full time ever since. I don’t regret those choices and I have a well rounded university educated independent adult who also works full time hours (even while doing full time uni load). My life is my own responsibility and once I had a child I wanted to be 100% certain we’d be fine on our own if it ever came to that.
i am sorry for you OP no one deserves what you’re facing.

This is terrifying.

I don't know why posters are using this thread to bash SAHM. OP wasn't a SAHM - she's a GP and renovated houses for profit. Her predicament is down to her not being savvy in business and financial matters.

I find this idea of giving it all up to raise children really odd. I think of my own profession and the large numbers of women at senior level, partner level, at the Bar and on the Bench who happily combined full time careers with parenthood.

Same. I work in Big Law (Hr team not legal) but we have many partners who are females with 2, 3, 4 or more children or male partners with the same + full time high achieving working wife. Guess what? I would hazard a guess that next to none of these children will grow up without a decent career and future.

Thank you so much for this. It will for sure help some people. I am in a similar position to you, worked very part time to raise the children while husband progressed his career and now earns 5 x my wage. We split 5 years ago, very amicably. I now realise that it was only amicable because I didn’t push for money. I currently work 32 hours per week as still need to look after teenagers as no buses where we live. He has a 750k house, all mod cons. We live in a £300k house, needing so much work doing to it. His pension is huge, circa 70k per year, mine is about £6k per year. I so wish that we had legalised pension sharing etc when I first went part time.

I really hope you find some peace DoctorMumDivorcee, it’s not an easy path but you will get there x

We also have to acknowledge the higher up the ladder. You are the easier it is to pay for help.
We had some great nannies when my children were growing up, but we had some absolutely shit ones as well so it is luck
But once I had escalated in my career and I could afford £50 an hour cleaners versus £20 an hour cleaners. The difference was breathtaking.

I will never , ever understand how women can do this. It's a huge gamble to risk your own financial independence and future on the basis that a man will remain loyal and faithful for decades.

If I wanted to sacrifice my earning capacity and future financial independence in order to be a stay at home mother, I would require my fair share of the family income ring fenced and iron clad in a way that he could never cheat me out of.