Warning for younger mums about finances and career sacrifice in divorce

[DoctorMumDivorcee]

Getting divorced after 26 years. I gave up my career as a surgeon to raise the children and support my husband in his career. He earns four times my salary and can work remotely from anywhere. We have worked hard and built up businesses and renovated properties and made a significant amount doing this. He was always in charge of finances, completed self assessment tax forms for me, took my payslips, did household bills while I did kids renovated homes and kept my hand in working as a part time GP. I am 54 and have 13 years before I can start to receive our pension. I had expected the court to ask him to pay me some maintenance but he cleverly resigned from his job just as we decided to divorce so it now looks like I earn more than him. He has also spent a fortune in a very expensive lawyer and travelling the world with his new girlfriend. The court will not give this back to me as ‘add back’ and say the money has gone. I am posting because I want all you younger mums to be aware that if you give up a career you will not be supported. You might get child maintenance until youngest is 18 but spousal maintenance is much harder to get. Please don’t give financial control to your husbands. You must try to understand it and you can. I am understanding but now and realising what terrible investments my husband has made over the years - he always said I was useless and spent to much. Turns out it was the other way around!!

@BeCleverViewer Well one would hope it was a decision they both made together, and with full transparency about what would happen should they separate. Not that of course this is by any means always adhered to.

Unfortunately a lot of women need to pick up the slack when the kids arrive because their DH refuse to. I’ve had wives of my colleagues tell me that they have to do all the collections and drop-offs as their DHs’ work won’t let them which is utter nonsense.

We fill the gap too quickly because we want the best for our children and then suffer the consequences, often dropping out entirely as we feel we are letting everyone down. Then we have to make our way back into the workforce when we can.

Id go further than the OP and say to all young women - choose your children’s father very well, make sure he’s up for 50:50 whether you work ir not or it’s going to be a harder road to walk.

While not bad advice, you cannot know for certain what a man will be like. People change. If we keep putting this all on women the birth rate is going to plummet even more. It is a bad deal.

@BeCleverViewer if you don’t think it was a sacrifice, why didn’t you do it?

Absolutely.
45 years ago at the beginning of my career in finance, I was speaking to the loveliest woman who was at the top of her game, 20 years my senior and had 4 children.
She worked long hours.
I was a junior and she was working late, investment banking, as was I.
She had a full-time house keeper and a full-time nanny.
She went home to a clean house and a plate put aside for her.
She told me THAT was how she did it all.
She never mentioned her husband at all, interestingly!
It was paying staff that kept her balls all in the air.
Not every woman can do that, particularly on the way up.
It can be really brutal with small children unless you have plenty of moneybto pay for support.

Doesn't make any sense, what what does that mean as a question? If you don't think it was a sacrifice, why didn't you do it? I did do it. I supported my children by working. I supported my children by making sure they had food to eat at home. That they could take part in extra curricular, and I've saved enough, I can help with the mortgages. I supported my wife by going out every day in s*. Circumstances to make sure there was enough money on the table every day. That was what I did for my wife. And you and no one can tell me that eye didn't do my part. I think it's the most insulting line that people roll out that because I work.And bringing money, my contribution is less than my wife, that doesn't make any sense.

She went home to a clean house and a plate put aside for her.
like most men, except they don't need to pay for it either..

Exactly right, and I think that's that's the problem for some reason.People are completely unable men and women to talk about money.They really need to learn

It’s a perfectly straightforward question.
You didn’t do it.

If it’s not a sacrifice to stay at home with children , why did you decide to go out to work and bring home money instead?
Why didn’t you wipe shit off babies bottoms?
Do the laundry religiously
Cook dinner every night
Read the same monotonous book over and over again because the children like it
What was it about it that was unappealing?

I'm so confused.I did all of those things. i've gave birth to my children?You silly woman and took maternity leave like, what planet do you live on?And what kind of men are you marrying?Where what you just spoke about is even a reality.Are you seriously in relationships with people that don't change nappies?That's not them that's you

You either have to have children very young or very old is the conclusion that I’ve reached
Having them in the middle is problematic

No, seriously. Are you in relationships with people? That is that what is going on in? Heterosexual relationships, you're a relationships with people that don't cook dinner or change nappies.Oh my god that is insane.

You sound confused
Silly woman

I'm a silly woman who earned six figures has a stay at homewife and changed nappy and have no problems in retirement.How about you. But no serious question did your partner really not change nappies or cook? Dinner or anything? Can you allow them? Why didn't you say anything? What is done about that doesn't make any sense. How could you allow that situation to be like that? Stuck, oh don't even know oh my god, thank god, I'm a lesbian

I mainly agree with what you’re saying as was my experience my ex thought I must be living like a millionaire on the CMS money, completely ignoring the cost of housing, childcare etc. We have our adult children still at home but I don’t agree NRPs should still be paying maintenance for them as that is essentially a choice of the resident parent , mine work and contribute towards bills. I have noticed a lot of mothers on here complaining their ex not funding them basically living the same life as if they were married. It’s completely unrealistic that either party is still going to be able to afford to live in the same size house, live in London and have the same lifestyle with the cost of now 2 separate households coming out of the same pot of money, a lot of mothers here seem to be frustrated that their ex isn’t happy to do that at his expense

Wow there are so many smug posters on this thread posting about how they did everything right and that they will tell their DDs to do exactly the same as they did.

Women are allowed to make different choices, there are pros and cons to all decisions when it comes to working and having children.

Reading all these comments the conclusion I’ve come to is that couples really need to try and think about how they can both be happy in the here and now and achieve their own personal goals. Being a couple should facilitate this rather than suppress it as there is so much more freedom when you’re a couple. Some couples don’t seem to do this at all and end up with one coming out saying they slaved away in a job they hated for years to provide for their family and the other saying they sacrificed their dreams and future as a SAHM and in all the years neither thought to discuss a creating a happier arrangement and the kids are just left with a broken family. Neither of us martyr ourselves to give the kids everything they could possibly want but obviously we make sure they have what they need and give consideration to what makes them happy but also what makes us happy which I think makes for happier kids overall

I agree so much. The easiest conversation with the misses was about setting up a pension setting up investments. Asking what she wanted to do and working out if she would go back to work when the sprogs were a bit older. Um, but because there's a large gap between them. And I had some, and she had one. It means that we've got kind of a funny situation. But Arti, what she's brilliant. She's absolutely brilliant. I love the fact that you could just talk to her about it, right. I guess the differences we started when we were both a bit older. And she actually did have a working history in her own assets coming into the relationship. So maybe it's a little bit different. But the best like she's also neurodiverse. So actually, she was much more straightforward about things weirdly enough. And it made everything so much easier. Yeah, I think having a my wife at home has been a fantastic gift. And she thinks having a wife at work is a fantastic gift. You just make it work, you know, then you talk, then you set things up. But there's no way I would leave my wife without a pension.And I would be very unattracted to a person that didn't know how to manage money.But that's a personal preference.Everybody's different.

I've been informed by someone that it was completely unnecessary for me to call you a silly woman.And I apologise unreservedly. Only thing about being a lesbian is that you're both on mum's net 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I think those men consider everything is theirs (they earned it) and are irritated that the discarded women get anything at all.

As someone said, those men just consider the wife another posession and not a partner, and are then astonished when the fckable whirlpool wants a share.

How can he live with himself?
What sort of low down cad is he? Even treating the children badly!

More men may be like this than we would like to think.

I mean you could all come over to my team just saying 🤷

Not if the assets are squirrelled away in off shore business accounts and trusts and e.g rare stamps.

The law in the uk is unfortunately tilted against the financially weakest person in the couple, that is usually a woman. The CSM is a pittance, leaving majority of men better off as divorced than as fathers. The law penalises heavily any person who stays at home to the care of the kids, completely discarding the role of full time parent. It is not like that in other countries and k don’t understand how this is accepted.

Well I can't speak for the OP but I'm older than 54 and still have a child in school. It is possible you know.