Proposal - he has a ring but I’m sick of waiting

[CurlyOldGirly]

I know that proposals aren’t the be all and end all. But I am desperate to marry my partner and so is he (so he says pretty much every day).
Ring exists because I’ve come across it when I saw the box in his suitcase when we went on holiday last year. But we had issues on holiday (not with each other) with our villa so i can see why he didn’t do it there. We had a few days of just being super disappointed with certain problems we had with our holiday let and then I had an allergic reaction to something so literally there wasn’t a window that I know he could have used.

he has said when it happens he wants to do it properly. He knows I don’t care for a massive show and I don’t want money being spent to make it happen. I really hate stuff like that. All I want is some thought.

I’m just at a point now where I’m getting more and more pissed that he hasn’t managed to just work out a romantic way to do it. I’m not asking for instagram worthy, just take me on a trip to a bloody lake or a pretty looking forest that’s free to visit and get down on a knee or something.

i don’t want this bogus thing of me asking him or him just asking me at home. This is the only thing I’ve actually ever wanted in our relationship to be just a little bit special. I’ve been married before and it was all pretty shit and I was never made to feel loved the way I wished to be. DP is so loving and affectionate, I can’t understand why he hasn’t just bitten the bullet or even found a way to make it happen

what do I say to him? Should I have a chat with him? because it’s been 9 months since he knew I saw the ring and I’m just getting fed up. I’m getting to a point where I just question if he even wants this any more.

Gosh I’m sorry this is long, I guess I needed to vent more than I thought I did.

This person absolutely doesn’t want to marry you. Or marry at all.

Is living together without being married also the norm in Punjabi culture?

I was wondering this

It’s not common but most certainly is quite normal in this day and age.

So, if you can live together not married, create a new norm
and ask him to marry you?

I stand by that he is. This is the ONLY thing he’s messed up on emotionally.

when we spoke about it a few months ago, he’d said how he wanted to make sure it was perfect and thoughtful and admitted he'd dropped the ball and delayed because of letting other stresses get in the way (new business starting up, unexpected expenses etc)

Since that chat we have pretty much every weekend been going on dates and hikes and just doing stuff together that we had let life get in the way of, he plans activities, day trips, booked and paid for our holiday with dd.

It’s literally just this. This one thing. I’ve loved the months of dates. I just wanna be a fiancé now.

Maybe he isn’t ready. Maybe I should accept that it’s not fair to rush someone who isn’t ready. I don’t know the answers, I guess I vent here because IRL I don’t have anyone really to talk to about this

But thats the thing, the proposal is something I want lol.

I know it makes me sound grabby/spoiled but i just want it that way.

Well you might want the proposal - but I suspect he doesn’t want the marriage.
this insane pressure for the perfect moment. We had a night at a friends wedding, I said do you fancy it then? He said he didn’t know what’s what I wanted, I said it was, he said great let’s do it! Had a conversation or two over the next couple of weeks and got a ring. We’re getting married soon. He’s well and truly on board but it’s special because we did it together.

I don't think anyone will find much more sympathy for your situation since you've had endless conversations with the man about getting engaged - by this point the proposal is completely pointless. Just get a ring and wear it FFS. A proposal is not a test of his love for you.

He needs an ultimatum “look bob there’s perfect proposals etc but I have not got forever you’ve got x amount of months or I’m going to beat you to it and do a ott proposals and show everyone” let’s hope he is planning something amazing!

Plan a romantic day out and propose to him.

None of this bodes well for a long and happy marriage.

You really think a long and happy marriage can be short and unhappy because I want a proposal?

Ha! I’m tempted the more I think of it but I think he will likely hate that!

honestly had I not had the chat with him a couple months ago I’d have filled the garden with those flameless candles and just proposed there under the stars!

everything he said in that chat he has done. He saw we were not dating as much any more and he’s kept that up faultlessley since. So maybe it’s coming and I should be patient.

But I’m on my period and I’m full all sorts of emotions so I wanna vent

Perhaps he’s paralysed by the pressure of the ridiculous expectation? There’s nothing ‘bogus’ about asking someone you want to marry to marry you at home, FFS.

Yes! You’re making too much of being proposed to.

Yeah IKR, my bogus marriage after my ‘non-proposal at home where I asked for the ring we both knew he had so what was the point in messing around pretending it was a surprise proposal’ proposal is still going strong after 16 years…maybe I’d also have had a divorce if I was precious about the proposal 🤣😂

No, I think it’ll be short and unhappy because you’re too much like hard work

Oh, goodness. Like PP I was so hoping you’d be back with a ring photo. I’m sorry he didn’t propose on the holiday, it was the absolute perfect time to pick up this particular dropped ball and he didn’t.

I’d be gutted as well, and I understand why you wouldn’t leave something lovely that makes you feel safe and adored, but I would be resentful too. Deeply resentful.

I love this.

my dad asked my mum while she was making cheese on toast ‘shall we get married then?’

my husband and I had been shopping for a ring, I got sick of waiting (2 weeks maybe) for him to propose and said ‘can I just have my ring now’

both marriages have been insanely happy. No fancy proposals necessary

I think they mean the fact that despite you making it clear what you want, it sounds as if he doesn’t want the same thing as you?

You aren’t on the same page. If he wanted to propose he would have done so by now.

He knows something is incredibly important to you and that you’re upset it hasn’t happened yet. He knows it’s totally in his hands now. He’s actively chosen not to resolve that upset by proposing.

He either doesn’t want to get married or he doesn’t want to get married to you. Otherwise he would have proposed by now. It really is that simple.

I would have one final chat about it, make your position clear and then give yourself a date by which if he hasn’t proposed, you have to accept that he doesn’t want to get married to you and you then need to decide if you can live with that or not.

I may have missed this but does he know that you know that he has a ring?

Why are women so unassertive with this stuff. I am not being a cool girl or anything (I am 54 for a start) but if I want a thing life life, you know about it.

I am actually in the process of divorce at the moment. We got together because I asked HIM out. He proposed to me in a park near our house. No fancy anything but it was amazing. I had made it clear that I wanted to get married about a year into our relationship.

My boyfriend of 5 years is very clear that as soon as my divorce is final, I wish to marry him.

Tell him you want to get engaged and set a date for the wedding now.

If you want all this fancy stuff then he might be feeling anxious about that, and how he goes about making it special for you.

Just read the whole thread.

I thought after you spelled it out for him he would propose but I see he still hasn't. At this point I feel like you should just accept that he doesn't want to marry you. Yes, he says he does, but actions speak louder than words.

Plus, do you really want a 'shut up' ring? You've been together for 7 years, he's had the ring for one year, you've told him how important it is to you and given him 3 further months to pull his finger out. It's just not happening. If he wanted to, he would.

Decide if you're happy to stay with him unmarried or not. Tell him "I don't want to marry you anymore, let's just carry on like we have been." Then stick to that. It might feel like a weight has been lifted because currently you want this validation (in the form of a proposal) from him, and he's not providing it, so it's creating resentment. Marriage isnt everything, you can just keep him as a boyfriend.

Marriage talk is normal between us but engagement is something I don’t talk about candidly and that is truly where it’s going wrong.

Does that mean you have agreed that you will be marrying each other at some point or that you chat about marriage as a general subject? If you have agreed you will be marrying each other, the proposal has already been made.

The next time you are talking about marriage tell him that you think next September will be a good time and if that works for him you should start looking at venues. If he runs out of the house then I think it’s fair to say that ring is not going on your finger.

Right! Here's the thing, OP.

My partner and I have been together for 27 years now and for the first 7, we didn't have the option of 'getting engaged to be married' because - as we're both women - it wasn't allowed.

The day the civil partnerships bill was passed, we both cried together. And then booked our civil partnership the next day for the earliest date possible.

YOU are perfectly capable of sitting down with your partner and saying "I want to set a date to get married. I know you've got a ring, so will you marry me and when?"

Just get on with it and stop feckin' WHINING.