Should 50/50 custody be the default after separation and divorce?

[RatsRatsRatss]

What would you say were the reasons a parent doesn’t see much of their child after separation and divorce? Why do you think this happens? Would you judge a parent who doesn’t see much of their kid?

Do you believe (abuse/neglect/deadbeat parents) aside that the default after divorce should be 50/50 custody? Should a child have a right to a relationship with both parents after separation?

interested to hear what everyone’s opinions are.

To be honest, yes, I'd find it hard not to judge someone who rarely or even never saw their pre-teen kids, especially if the kids lived close by. I don't necessarily mean 50/50 though.

No. I don't think 50-50 is a good default position. A child has a right to a relationship with both parents but that doesn't mean parcelling them out equally, like shared capital.

They should have the right to stability, not schlepping from one home to the other across each week with their clothes and homework, without trying to maintain their friendship groups with only half the access to them as the others, adapting to the different rules and routines twice a week.

Some kids will be more amenable and adaptable than others and will sail through the bumps of this upheaval and for others, then they should be afforded the right to live more peacefully and it should be for the parents to work out how to maintain relationships around that.

I wish, but he wouldn’t even have them overnight

You seen to be suggesting that the non resident parent should be made to see the child for 50% of the time. I’d be interested to learn how you think that would be enforced.

In principle I think it’s a good idea. Fathers used to get a raw deal, in the past.

50/50 where the children live in one house all the time and the parents move? Yes, assuming both are equally competent and loving parents, that sounds great for the children.

50/50 where the children move about between two houses all the time? No, in the majority of cases that is just too unsettling. Even where both parents are fabulous and already did 50/50 of the childcare before the split .

It's funny how some parents seem to dislike the former (where their lives are disrupted) but are okay with the latter, where their children are the ones with the unsettled lives.

Nailed it!

I 50/50 coparent with my ex and my kids are very comfortable and settled at the moment. Their dad was ok when we were together but I did the majority of stuff from nursery drop offs, bedtimes, housework, did all the mental load bits, doctors appointments, dentists, 90% of the nappies as babies.
But he's a much better dad now we have split and he has to take sole responsibility when he has them. It's done him a lot of good and therefore does the kids good too. My kids don't cart stuff to and from each house either as swap over is after school and they have to take their school stuff anyway.
As they grow up we might adapt to a weekly split but they are too young for now to not see one of us regularly.
Id say a non 50/50 split would be more detrimental as they would rightly miss the other parent so it's not just for my benefit or their dad's. This might not be the same in other cases but it is for us.
Generally if the kids have a good relationship with both parents then the attempt should be as close to 50/50 as possible. And then you have to go through other factors to see if that doesn't work.
I worry that as I moved 15 mins drive away from the family home (too many bad memories and I couldn't get somewhere in the same town) when mine grow up they will choose to live more with dad which will be devastating. I hope not though.

In the past fathers controlled everything about the children my nan was never allowed to see her children ever again because her ex husband simply wouldn't allow it his words were you can have a divorce but you will not take the children they didn't see her again until after he died and about a year before she died

As ever there are no sweeping reforms no tick boxes where the children are all the same circumstances and one rule goes for all

It should always be in the BEST interests of the child and the child alone

Parents if doing 50/50 should be made to put money into an account for the child's basic school expenses school food school clothing school transport school trips etc everything else the parents should pay for in there own home

Absolutely not. Spending half your nights in one house and half in another is a horrible way to live, and the adults who do this to their children would never choose it for themselves.

One home and lots of daytime contact with the other parent should be the default imo.

All of this and louder for the judgemental folk at the back. There are some major generalisations being thrown on this thread it’s depressing.

Adults in this situation should always put the children first and most wouldn’t wish a split household in any life, but you make best of the cards your dealt and do your absolute best to not fuck up your children.

Dad’s being 50% involved in a child’s life isn’t supported by societal structures such as the assumption they’re useless, mum thinking/believing “I can’t leave my kid with them” because of their experiences whilst together; and that they are main breadwinners and need to work. This forms part of a bigger picture why (generally speaking) mums prefer the children with them for more than 50% (say for example, they worked part time, feel like they’re the better parent than dad, or dad’s useless, I don’t want to leave my child in their care).

Look up the research - 50/50 is encouraged, younger children/babies maybe less so and a “base” is preferable with one parent, and other one still involved. But there are so many factors in co parenting that will influence if a child’s educational and emotional needs are met or exceeded. 50/50 should be the base to go from and then look at all the other aspects.

Judging from a distance of a child moving ‘back and forth’ is a snapshot you’re seeing. You don’t know the situation, the child, the parents. Let parents parent how they think it is best for their children.

Well, in our my DH works long long hours, is out of house from 6am until 7:30 5 days a week and works one weekend in 4 on call..
It would be better for kids to be with me most of the time, otherwise they would just be looked after by someone else and they wouldn't see him 50/50 anyway.

Unsure from your post if you’re answering hypothetically or not. Looking at an alternative though, your DH could put a flexible working request in or look for an alternative job to accommodate being a working parent (like many women do) and then be able to bring up his own children up to 50% of the time?

It’s convenient for him for you to have your children most of the time. When a family splits, I see a lot of women enabling the father to bow out. “it would be better for the kids because they’d be looked after by others if with him” doesn’t cut it for me. I use childcare on my 50% time, therefore so can dad. We talk and work it out together. What was the life you had with your DH is no longer (eg if you were a SAHM, that doesn’t necessarily mean post split)

My experience of successful co parenting, as I said before, is nuanced with so many factors. I genuinely know how hard it is. I tolerate my exH but the key is good communication and every decision has our DC at the centre - we’re co parenting very well, 50/50. He’s got a senior job as have I, and we work it out by talking and listening to each other and our children and parenting as best we can.

This.

As long as both parents are good parents, and it’s not disruptive for the child then it should absolutely be 50-50.

Unfortunatly, in my experience, it is the mother who wants a larger split, and this is often (not always ) driven due to extra financial support from the father when it’s greater than 50-50.

I would say any decent dad who wants to be be anctivly involved with their child growing up will wants a 50-50 split, the percentage of mothers who want the same is much lower IMO.

No. I don't think it's OK for the children to be moving back and forth between houses. If the parents want 50/50 then the kids need to stay in one place with the parents swopping back and forth between a flat.
I'm eternally grateful my parents didn't do 50/50.

Really, you think it’s more ofren driven by desire for money than desire for time with their children? You must hang out with a lot of terrible people.

The issue with swapping house (eg children stay out, parents move in and out to a secondary base) is that most women do far more domestic labour than most men (even with assuming equal paid working hours etc). So then you have the domestic load (which may have been part of the basis for divorce?) x 2 households.

There were talks about nesting on another thread regarding 50/50 and it sounded awful for the children if im honest. I think most kids would rather just have two houses.

It’s really tricky to sort. My ex couldn’t wrap his head around it and seemed to think it meant he wouldn’t have to “waste” his annual leave because I’d have them, and also that he got to choose how the 50/50 was worked out, to his convenience obviously. When the penny dropped that this was not how it worked and he would have to parent them by himself for 50% of the time, he declared this was preposterous and finally ponied up the CMS money.

He also said that if he did 50/50, which was entirely financially motivated, it wouldn’t be fair because “what’s SHE going to be doing whilst I’m minding them?” Not your fucking business!

He rarely has them, they are hard work and we used to joke we only stayed together so long cos neither of us wanted the kids, but actually for him it’s true!

I am so glad I was a child before 50/50 became a thing. Kids should have a primary residence to call home and splitting the week up sounds exhausting and disruptive.

No. Behaviour should absolutely be relevant in a divorce settlement.
I don’t mean petty squabbles but big things like adultery or abuse.

I think it depends on the parents ability to cooperate, the temperament of the kids and other factors. It can work for some families.

However someone I know does 50:50. They separated when their son was six months old. Far, far too young when a child is still learning attachment.

When my H and separated our teens stayed with me. A few times H has slept here when I have been away. However it can seem like a privacy invasion and we have had a fairly amicable separation.

in my case it was her that cheated, then years later decided to walk out and not even work on fixing it. We have not spoken in 18 months and have 50/50. Ok, we do live only a mile away from each other and kids were/are mid to late teens.

Its worked for the kids fine, even if I would have liked them more

In an ideal world ‘nesting’ is the best for children but so many parents are more interested in their needs or can’t co parent effectively