Making sense of tricky intimate moment

[Hanselandgretal]

Just processing something that happened last night.

having sex with my husband, all fine. He then moved my head round to his crotch and said I know you don’t like it but…

I don’t like giving oral sex. I have had bad experiences in the past and it just makes me feel sick and zones me out.

I feel kind of weird about it. Like empty. I don’t think he gets the impact. It’s just the lack of consideration I guess. And I don’t want to say anything. It’s hard for me to speak up about these things. I have always found sex difficult and I don’t know how much is just my issues.

If he knows you don't like it then he shouldn't be asking you to do this. Infact what you describe sounds like pressurising you.

You don't have to tell him why you don't like the act. It should be enough to say you don't like it or want to do it. If you have already told him that then it's quite serious that he is still trying to get you to do something you don't want to do.

Sounds like he’s hoping you’ll cave in and give it a go
which I wouldn’t have any issue with asking as long he didn’t try and pressure you and his response was ok when you didn’t do it

Could you tell him that it isn’t a case of ‘don’t like it’, as much as being repelled by it?
That it turns you off so fast it’s nauseating.

He may be thinking don’t like it as in a food preference-
don’t like cucumber, will eat it if I’m being polite.
V
can eat cucumber, makes me heave.

Why would he want you to do something knows you dont like? That would give me the 🤮🤢. I dont get wanting to fuck someone knowing that the other person isnt into it.

I think you need to address this with him directly in a calm, non-sexual moment where you don't feel under threat or pressured. It's vital that everyone expresses their sexual boundaries in a relationship, and it's vital that everyone feels safe enough to do so. Does your DH generally listen to you, or does he try to override your wishes in other areas?

I have been sexually assaulted in that way too as a young teen. As a result it is a totally non negotiable never for me.

Does your DH know the reason? I think you need to really reiterate that you will not do it. To try to coerce you once he knows that is totally unacceptable.

I did tell him yeah. He doesn’t seem to take it in. I think if I had had a big reaction to it in the moment he would have stopped.

How often is he trying to get you to do it?

So did it stop there or did you feel pressured to give in?

He knows you don’t like it but pushed your head there anyway and wanted to receive it, despite knowing that? 🚩

I think that’s one of the massive differences between men & women. Men will happily fuck someone he knows is repulsed by him and hating every minute of it (eg. Hiring sex workers, getting themselves a 21-year-old ‘mail order bride’ etc) As long as he’s getting off he doesn’t care. Whereas for women (I mean, I can’t speak for all women but I can bet most feel as me) they’d be horrified if they thought the person they were having sex with was disgusted by them. Men put sex above all else, including self-respect. Women put self-respect above sex

I just did it.

it’s been a couple of times now.

This is what I see. Sex comes first.

OP, he's abusing you. It's as simple as that. You said you don't want to do it, he's pressing you do do so. I'd end it unless you want your life to continue like this.

But you aren’t going to have a big -visible- reaction in the moment if your stress response is to freeze.

Have you been together long? I’d be struggling to maintain this relationship, because he’s putting his dick above your safety. It’s a choice he’s making to be selfish. It’s no excuse to say he didn’t realise, because he’s choosing not to. He could be sensitive and act on what you say, he’s choosing to think it doesn’t really matter.

I reread this a few times and it makes me worried for you.

It sounds to me like you have been sexually abused in the past and you are experiencing disassociation. It also sounds like your partner is not respecting your sexual boundaries and that you may think it’s normal. It’s not, it’s sexual assault.

Please seek some real life support. At the very, very least tell partner that under no circumstances is he to ever do that again. It is a red line and violating would mean you would call the police.

If saying that would make you afraid of his reaction then that is a sign you need to get help for your safety.

Call Rape Crisis

Ah, I’m sorry. I missed that you’re married.
If you don’t get this sorted out, it will escalate.
Life is too long to be putting up with sexual assault because he thinks it’s ok because you are married. Marriage is not the same as ownership.

I just feel kind of sad and empty. and I am
scared to address it. Not sure if that’s because I am scared to speak up for myself in general or because I don’t want to upset him. He’s awful when he’s in a mood. Maybe a bit of both. I’ve always found it hard to set and keep boundaries, I just want people around me
to be happy. I am aware it’s behaviour I need to address.

No, it isn’t your behaviour you need to address. It’s the coercive man who keeps you in line with his bad temper.

Your last post escalates things, for me.
You need to get support from a domestic violence organisation and plan how you leave. 💐

"He’s awful when he’s in a mood."

what is his behaviour like when he's in a mood?

he's awful when he's in a mood
Read what you have posted. You're anxious and scared, and he's intimidating. This is not a healthy relationship.
You should not have any fear of a supposed loved one's reactions.
It sounds as if you need to get some support and help.

This ⬆️.
Please take on board what pp are saying.
Do not live in fear.

You are being coerced.

Agree. This isn't a you thing. This is sexual and psychological abuse, with coercive control. You need support.

Sounds like you’d be better off without him full stop.