Making sense of tricky intimate moment

[Hanselandgretal]

Just processing something that happened last night.

having sex with my husband, all fine. He then moved my head round to his crotch and said I know you don’t like it but…

I don’t like giving oral sex. I have had bad experiences in the past and it just makes me feel sick and zones me out.

I feel kind of weird about it. Like empty. I don’t think he gets the impact. It’s just the lack of consideration I guess. And I don’t want to say anything. It’s hard for me to speak up about these things. I have always found sex difficult and I don’t know how much is just my issues.

His needs don't need to be met. I love a man going down on me and my DH has only done it 2-3 times and not for many years because he just hates it. As much as I'd like it again/regularly it doesn't cross my mind to make it persuade him because nobody should be doing sex stuff that they hate. You need to have a proper chat with your DH when it's not sex time and discuss your feelings with him properly

He’s a horrible bully. Please get out. 💐

Maybe some solo therapy would be more beneficial than couples therapy. Why do you feel the need to keep him and others around you happy? What happens if you don't? Are they putting similar efforts into your happiness? Sometimes you need to stop spinning all the plates and let things fall apart. If he gets grumpy/moody because he doesnt get sex/oral sex - well so what, because you have the inner peace gained from not letting someone erode your boundaries. Why keep the peace if you yourself dont have inner peace. Of course if you are really afraid of him and his reactions, I can understand you trying to keep the peace in the interests of personal safety but then thinking long term, you need to get yourself out of the marriage - which may be what needs to happen anyway for your own sanity and future happiness.

He's disgusting and personally I would not be able to get past this. Imagine asking someone to do something sexual to you which you know they don't like. If someone can be turned on by that, they're sick.
There are men who like sex to be enjoyable for both of you.

Therapy to help you boost your sense of self worth makes sense, but not until you have physically extricated yourself from this situation ... that is the priority.

This is so true

There is a difference between not enjoying it and being repulsed and hating it. As you are unable to communicate with your husband he won't know this. He might think it just isn't your fave thing but you might be willing to treat him sometimes. I don't enjoy doing it but still do it as DH likes it but he doesn't know that.
I don't think your husband has done anything really wrong unless he forced you, as he might just think you just don't particularly like it. Communication is so important. Maybe a bit of therapy could help you.

Therapy to help you boost your sense of self worth makes sense, but not until you have physically extricated yourself from this situation ... that is the priority.

'cannot speak for all women'.

However, quite happy to speak for all men. Hmm.

You need to talk about it long before you are being intimate just pushing you in the direction is -ugh.

We mainly don't have those big reactions in the moment. It's one of things juries struggle with the most. 'Why didn't she scream or fight back' etc.

You should leave him by the way.

It's both.

@Hanselandgretal I agree with everyone who has said that this is coercive control, and it seems that this is the tip of the iceberg. I think you know that, from other things you've posted.

The reason why I've said it's both is that those of us with people pleasing tendencies (often trained into us in childhood) are very vulnerable to forming relationships with coercive controllers because we are easily persuaded that their bad behaviour is our fault, and we can fix it if we just try hard enough. Their negative moods make us really anxious and we manage this by trying to control their mood by doing whatever it is that they say they want us to do. Been there, done that. But it is a toxic dynamic that both people are participating in.

People with healthy patterns of interaction refuse to take responsibility for a coercive controllers emotional state and tell them to f off the first time they try blame them for something.

Those of us trained to people please immediately rush in and try to fix their mood. We make it our problem. We do it eagerly, happily, so glad we can help, and then we find ourselves trapped. But it is a learned behaviour that can be unlearned.

It's often also not safe to just say no if their expectation is that it's our job to fix their bad mood and failure to do so deserves punishment (which they say we made them do). This is the bit that makes it coercive. Fix my bad mood or I will find a way to punish you, which may not look like punishment, but is, like sulking and being in a foul mood and making you tiptoe around them (to control their mood by not triggering an outburst) for days afterwards.

Please call women's aid and talk to any friend or family member you can trust. Talk to your GP, if you feel comfortable doing so. There is help and support available to us and it doesn't have to be this way. Xx.

He then moved my head round to his crotch and said I know you don’t like it but…

I'm sorry but that was unacceptable and you need to voice your feelings.

He can't move your head unless you allow it- and unless he used considerable force. At that point you could have said 'Stop that. I don't like it and you know that.'

From your other posts, it comes over as if he's domineering and you allow him to be. He intimidates you.

He sounds vile. You say he complains that you work (so he wants a stay at home wife he can control) but also complains you don't earn much and 'sex is the peacemaker'. In other words he's 'allowing you' to work / low pay in return for sex.

Can you see how disgusting this is?

You're in an abusive relationship where your own feelings are ignored.

In the short term maybe consider a separation/ divorce and longer term consider counselling to build your self worth and confidence so you don't get into this kind of relationship again. You don't need to please anyone and take crap from anyone who has no resepct for you.

She/he said 'men' nowhere on that post was 'all men' mentioned.

Men is a plural noun meaning more than 1 man. So absolutely it is MEN. It is more than 1 man.

Can you show me where it says 'all men' as I can only see the word 'men' in that post?

It’s time to get out of this relationship.

@Hanselandgretal I’m just popping on to hold your hand, or give you a hug, whatever feels ok for you.
It sounds difficult, maybe even quietly overwhelming, trying to even understand all the feelings that might be coming up. I wonder if you need some space, either emotionally or in real life, to process some trauma feelings. Can you go for a quiet walk somewhere?