Making sense of tricky intimate moment

[Hanselandgretal]

Just processing something that happened last night.

having sex with my husband, all fine. He then moved my head round to his crotch and said I know you don’t like it but…

I don’t like giving oral sex. I have had bad experiences in the past and it just makes me feel sick and zones me out.

I feel kind of weird about it. Like empty. I don’t think he gets the impact. It’s just the lack of consideration I guess. And I don’t want to say anything. It’s hard for me to speak up about these things. I have always found sex difficult and I don’t know how much is just my issues.

He had been verbally abusive in the past. We had some therapy and I thought things were better. He was not getting angry with me as much and apologised when he did. But sometimes I think he resents me. Hates that I go to work, but also that I don’t make more money. At the moment I think sex has become the peace keeper. And yes, I think it feels fairly
normal to me because I have no positive frame of reference. I think part of me knows I should have got out years ago. I don’t know why it feels so difficult to do it. It’s like I just keep trundling along and then I think oh it’s better now. Until it isn’t.

He's gonna keep asking cos you do it. You need to refuse and tell him I'm not doing that anymore.

Stop having sex you dont want. Tell him clearly no. I dint like it. I actually find it repulsive. You asking makes me feel that you dont care about my feelings or my enjoyment. Don't ask me again.

He is vile. You do not have to do anything you don’t want to op.

OP I’m sorry but I think he’s getting actively turned on by you not liking it. That is, unfortunately, a massive porn genre —more of a common fantasy than you think: ‘I persuaded her’

Sorry, I just saw your update. You need to leave him.

Me too, and second this.
Please make plans to get out. Contact Women's Aid.

The trouble is that you are giving him oral sex - so in his mind, it’s not your favourite thing but you’re happy to do it every now and then to keep him happy.

You need to just refuse and keep refusing.

I really enjoy giving oral sex but sometimes I’m not in the mood and so I just refuse to do it.

The worst thing that’s going to happen is that it kills the mood, which would teach DP a lesson to not keep on as I’m not going to cave and it will be more likely that we’ll end up not having sex, rather than me doing something that I don’t want to do.
If you have that mentality then your DP won’t try and persuade you.

Can you think of anything sexual he doesn’t like? A finger in the bum? A dildo in it? When not in the bedroom. Tell him you’re so turned on by the idea and you did it with your ex and you feel it’s really missing from your sex life, he’ll say no, you say but don’t you think you should push your feelings aside so that I can be turned on?

see if he makes the connection , and goes ‘ok I get it’ if not tell him. If he tries it on again you need to stick to your boundary and stop touching him, finish yourself off with a vibrator in the spare room and sleep there. People only respect your boundaries if you stick to them. If you don’t feel safe to do any of the above then I’m not exaggerating you should leave him.

Never do something you don't want to, especially if it actually repulses you! Sorry him down and tell him how you feel, that you won't be doing that ever again, so do not ask you to do so.
Tell him how's it's made you feel.

Oh I’ve seen update - leave him. This is abusive. It’s much better to be single forever than with a man like that he will destroy your health and your life.

Oh good grief! He coerced you to do something you dislike. Do not ever do it again. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation, this is sexual abuse.

I think moving your head and just expecting you do to it was horrible, especially as he actually said out loud that he knows you don’t like it. I wonder if you’ve ever told him about your bad experiences. Regardless, nice people don’t make other people do sexual things that they don’t want (or that makes them feel sick!). I’m not surprised you are feeling empty if the previous experiences make you kind of disassociate ☹️. I would take PPs advice above about taking steps to leave

You are in a very abusive relationship, please get some help.

He hates that you go to work, but wants you to earn more money. I don't understand this.

And this is why I despise men more and more as I get older.

You need to end this. He is abusing you.

I understand this as I've been there. It's a tactic to make sure she can't do anything right and is in a constant state of stress. She'll be doing everything to do the 'right thing' and to keep him happy but nothing will ever be good enough. I also suspect he doesn't like her going to work because he's jealous of other men talking to her, maybe even accusing her of cheating for working with male colleagues.

I was sexually assaulted as a child and fortunately I don't think it's left me with any hangups but I remember years ago dh wanted to try anal sex and I said no, he accepted it but did occasionally ask and nattered rather than pressured I eventually exploded about how it reminded me of being made to do that something that I didn't want and felt abusive. He was absolutely mortified and never asked again.

That is attempted rape.

Penetrating your mouth with his penis without consent is rape. He knew you wouldn't consent so he was attempting to rape you orally.

If he did succeed then it was rape.

He is a pig

You need to tell him straight that you dont like it and you wont be pressured. Sex is supposed to be for mutual pleasure, not being forced into something you dont want

This OP. I could not have sex with him again.

OP your posts are so sad. You deserve a happy, peaceful life free from this man. I know leaving is hard, and there’s no way around that but the reward to your psyche when he’s gone will be so worth it. The time will pass anyway, so why not use it to free yourself from him and start a life with you and your happiness at the centre

in this case why do you want to stay with him? Its abuse.