Making sense of tricky intimate moment

[Hanselandgretal]

Just processing something that happened last night.

having sex with my husband, all fine. He then moved my head round to his crotch and said I know you don’t like it but…

I don’t like giving oral sex. I have had bad experiences in the past and it just makes me feel sick and zones me out.

I feel kind of weird about it. Like empty. I don’t think he gets the impact. It’s just the lack of consideration I guess. And I don’t want to say anything. It’s hard for me to speak up about these things. I have always found sex difficult and I don’t know how much is just my issues.

The wow factor of the lack of accountability and communication in this thread is horrendously scary!
I understand with the person that's anxious about upsetting their partner but that's the slippery slope of not addressing things at all. The other advice is just as bad. Everybody's needs need to be met! It's not tit for tat, "I don't get this so they don't" .. if your partner is saying they don't like doing the thing you want them to then try having a conversation and asking why!
Maybe they do, but just not with you because you're too hairy/scary/noisy/smelly ... Which they also don't want to cause an argument about because they love you and also don't want the grief! Be serious, ask the question and promise you're not going to get pissy at the answer! Sometimes things are contradictory (like "I hate loud noises, but like going to concerts" and it's the same with sexual preferences). The reason you have problems is because you're not willing to listen without visceral reaction and your partners know this, sometimes it goes so fast that (heres another contradiction) they're rather turn to porn or an affair to fill the emptiness your lack of conversations are causing. I'm not pointing at one side it the other because both do it, but yes I think it's mostly men, such Which shows not that men are awful, it shows that they're scared of the conversation and outcome the most, why's that? Indeed.. So ... You're all to blame, take some accountability and talk about it (just not during sex!)

There's the fact that he did this knowing you don't like it, and then there's the fact that you feel you can't discuss this with him.

I think you know that he won't take it well, that there'll be some kind of punishment, like sulking in store. And I think you also know that deep down, you will have this conversation with him, and he will do this again, and then you will have to consider what this means.

He's already ignored what you want. Do you want to provide him with more opportunities to ignore what you want?

Words are all that women have. Just words.

If men ignore those words, if they just do something during sex when the woman is at her most vulnerable, if they wait until a woman is crying until he actually stops doing what she doesn't like....then by that point she's already traumatised and he will have been sexually assaulting her multiple times.

It should never come to that point OP. Men who ignore women's wishes like this aren't on your side. A male partner shouldn't be a potential opponent you need to be careful around or be worried that they won't respect your wishes.

I've heard these men before. They're usually self-serving types who don't know the meaning of being part of a team. They will always be on their own side.

They don't like the thought of a woman being financially dependent on them and having to actually pay for her (triggers their sense of victimhood and they want to evade being responsible for her as much as possible), but then that clashes with another side of them that wants to be dominant, wants to be 'The Man', and feels a bit fearful of her earning enough to outearn him or leave him.

Basically they want to have their cake and eat it, but they can't, and their conflicting wants end up making their wives feel like they can't do anything right.

Thanks all, that’s been a lot to take in but also very clarifying. I am absolutely a people pleaser. Have been since childhood and I have never known anything else. I didn’t expect such a response because somewhere I have normalised this kind of thing. I felt guilty that I wasn’t better at sex. The comment about FOG really hit home. I didn’t talk to him yesterday as I was too out of it but I feel more grounded today. Like waking up from a strange dream. How did I get here? I feel stupid in a way. Ashamed. I need to look at my self esteem for sure. Thank you for your kindness, it’s really helped. Time to learn some new ways of being in the world.

The process of learning to stand up for yourself, of stopping the people pleasing, can be a slow one.
It is work you can undertake at your own pace for the rest of your life. I still do it now, but I’m in a safer space so the impacts aren’t as bad.

Don’t rely on that to manage your current situation- you’ve got a man working against you, so it’s like pushing a boulder uphill. This is his fault, not yours!
Get support from a women’s organisation first and plan how to leave.

OP im so sorry to read this, you’ve clearly been traumatised in the past and this treatment by your partner has triggered that awful dissociation that some of
us fall into for our minds to cope. To be direct with you, there is no way you will ever move forward in recovering from this trauma whilst you are with this man, he is emotionally very unsafe.
please consider that you will be far more likely to be at peace if you’re single rather than in this relationship and peace and safety should trump anything else xxx

I was SA'd as a young teen, dh has known this for as long as we have been together and although I am comfortable giving oral, he has never put his hands on me once whilst doing so in all these years because he knows thats a trigger for me and I never had to ask him after the 1st time.

Please don't feel stupid or ashamed. This is not in any way your fault. It sounds as if you're dealing with a severe trauma response, compounded by subsequent abuse.

The way you behave in a disassociative state is subconscious and automatic - it's a deep, instinctive response to protect you from a dangerous situation. The (thankfully few) PP who've said to 'just' speak up in the moment/refuse/leave the room are clearly fortunate enough not to have been in a situation where that's not a safe thing to do, or where their body simply won't cooperate.

It will take time, and work, and probably professional help to heal. But you can do it. You've recognised the problem, and that is the vital first step to solving it. Please now get in touch with organisations that can help you get free.

So sorry to hear this @Hanselandgretal.

There are at least two other women going through similar on the relationships board - one thread “TW SA support” and another “Seeking gentle support”. Perhaps a read through their experiences could let you know you’re not alone?

I have seen the wonderful posters on this website get women through the most awful things, and we can do the same for you. Keep talking to us and we’ll support you how ever we can x