Making sense of tricky intimate moment

[Hanselandgretal]

Just processing something that happened last night.

having sex with my husband, all fine. He then moved my head round to his crotch and said I know you don’t like it but…

I don’t like giving oral sex. I have had bad experiences in the past and it just makes me feel sick and zones me out.

I feel kind of weird about it. Like empty. I don’t think he gets the impact. It’s just the lack of consideration I guess. And I don’t want to say anything. It’s hard for me to speak up about these things. I have always found sex difficult and I don’t know how much is just my issues.

This is classic abuser behaviour, and it won’t change. Have you ever read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft? It might make things clear to you (was such an eye opener for me).

I’m so sorry, but please take safe steps to leave him (secreting away your precious possessions and important documents to a place he has no access to). He’s not a good man and he doesn’t love you.

Please make plans to leave him. Things aren't going to get better.

Bite it off next time!!!

Just kidding but oh, OP, you are with an abusive man. Please find a way to leave him. Be careful how you do it (go quietly).

How old are you OP? I'm thinking that this isn't really going to go away and is something you need to deal with. Either you accept it as your lot or make some positive changes. I'd start by saying you don't want a repeat. If he sulks or blows up then so be it. Whether you want to grow old with this guy only you can say.

Every fibre of your being and your gut instinct is telling you this isn’t right. If it felt ok you wouldn’t have the feelings of being empty and sad.
It also speaks volumes that you are worried about broaching the subject with him for fear of is ‘mood’

He moved your head around? You must have been down that way if that's all he needed to do.

Your husband should not suggest you doing something you don't like, what is the point in an intimate act not enjoyed by both?

You are a married couple for goodness sake, I'd have thought you'd have sorted out what you both both want and don't want long ago.

There are plenty of other things you can do.

He is an inconsiderate swine. He knows you are not a dog and do not like licking private parts, like a dog, yet he persisted.
Unfortunately, we live in a world now where black is white and white is black and sick is normal and normal is sick. Surely, you know it by reading some truly strange answers on MN?
This lack of consideration does not pertain only to sex acts - the lack of consideration in every day life is astounding and permeates every part of our living, basically it is 'fuck everyone else, as long as I am content'. I have been brought up by truly amazing working-class people who could draw an inference from a semi-raised eyebrow, a turn of the head, a glance and to me lack of consideration (not only towards me, but towards others) is a signal to distance myself from a friend, a relative, a new acquaintance.
I don't know what to suggest, I just wanted to tell you - this is awful and I understand your feeling.

No, I was on my front, he was behind me. He moved to the side and turned my head from there.

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone. I’m a bit overwhelmed. I’ll need to catch my breath I think.

End your relationship... My exh raped me every time he wanted... It became my normal.
Been divorced 27 years but sex still has me unnerved at best.

Do you remain with him because you're frightened to be alone? I couldn't possibly be in any sort of relationship with a man like this

I think BJs are weird because they are kind of normalised. I do not like giving blow jobs (even that phrase makes me feel weird). There are probably two ties in my entire sexual experience that I thought, actually, I'd kind of like to do that now! - But on both occasions, I didn't. I think that giving oral sex is so normalised that you're maybe kind of thought of as weird if you don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I feel all kinds of awkward, I don't ever feel "sexy", so it's not something I can play on and be amazing at. I remember telling a friend once about how poorly my husband and I were getting along, and she said "There's nothing a good blowjob won't solve!", and that may be true, I don't doubt my husband would be to a degree, putty in my hands if he knew that was coming every night! But the thing is - I don't like it, unless I like it in the moment. It's like any part of sexual intimacy - it has to feel right and spontaneous. But it's become such a standard part of the whole act, that it's kind of like, oh well, just get on with it. Or, I did that for you.....well, I'd never want anyone to do that for me if they felt uncomfortable doing it. Not sure where you can go from this, I hope you can have a chat and that he can appreciate that you don't enjoy it. Like you, I would struggle to care about someone who put my emotional needs secondary to his sexual pleasure xx

You must not take it upon yourself to make him feel happy at the expense of your happiness.

You do not like oral sex, so you do not have to do it. End of. You do not like oral sex, so you must not do it.

Spell it out to him. Tell him clearly that you refuse to do it ever again.

You do have choices - you are not his puppet.

I find it very concerning that he forced you to do this after openly saying that he knows you do not like it. This is, I am sorry to say, quite simply sexual assault. He has used physical force and also psychological force in that you know he is "awful" when he is in a mood.

You need some outside help to tackle this problem, because you are with a man who is frankly unsafe. Please turn to Womens Aid.

This is not YOU - it is HIM.

Oh love don’t do something you hate. Every time you do, he’ll think you’re getting used to the idea or becoming willing to - so he’ll keep asking (pressuring).

Today I’d find a way to say casually Hey DH, I know I went down on you last night but it’s really something that turns me off - remind him of the reasons if you can - and I will NOT be doing it in future so do not ask me, and don’t try it on in the moment. Thanks. Cup of tea?

Hugs to you today, so sorry you feel used today xx

I think you HAVE to talk to him OP. I know you don’t want to but otherwise he’s going to keep asking because when he does you then do the act. You need to tell him how awful it makes you feel and that you will not be doing it again.

OP this is dreadful & I agree with the replies from the majority of posters.

My addition would be to say what is the point of posting here to find out how others would feel if you don't take action according to the responses. It's understandably a decision you can't make immediately but I get the impression you will remain in this relationship & basically put up with his behaviour. You are either happy or unhappy in the marriage & only you can decide if it's the latter & what to do about it.

Look, he not only sustained an erection at the thought that he was traumatising you, he actually had an orgasm knowing that. This was sexual assault, OP. You would never have agreed to it and he knew it, but pushed your head down so that you had to do it.

What's your home situation - do you live together? Is the property bought or rented and in whose name? Do you have children together?

I'm so sorry, OP, this must be a lot to take in. But PP are right - this is an abusive relationship and that was rape.

You deserve better.

Please speak to Women's Aid and work out how to leave. And get some solo therapy, not joint.

Good for you if you are able to have those conversation with sexual partners without feeling awkward/ashamed/belittled. Reading this made me feel almost as sick as I did reading the original post. Try thinking before you speak.

Unfortunately, you are correct.

Have a read of this @Hanselandgretal and see if you can relate https://www.thehotline.org/resources/a-closer-look-at-sexual-coercion/

Reading between the lines here but it sounds like you have gravitated towards an abusive dynamic because that’s what you’re used to?

At any rate, this is not loving behaviour and you deserve to feel safe and happy.

I know men who are not like this, who are just as repulsed by the idea of prostitution/coercion as I am. But it certainly does apply to abusive morally bankrupt men. So sadly OP Im afraid that is who you are married to.

The real question here is not how to try and make sense of his abuse, because abuse cannot be made sense of. Abuse operates in FOG - fear obligation and guilt. That is what you are experiencing, and that is by design. Fear to speak up, obligation to perform sex acts that harm you, guilt for not wanting to.

The real question is, how do you get out of an abusive relationship.... and there are plenty of lovely women on here who can help you with that too.

What a nasty little post. What does it matter even if she was "down that way?" (She wasn't.) Is that "asking for it" in your world?

You are a married couple for goodness sake, I'd have thought you'd have sorted out what you both both want and don't want long ago.

Op has said she has had sexually abusive experiences in the past. That can make communication about this stuff difficult. Maybe think before you speak, you're showing your ignorance.

Not all women have self respect. Many don’t.

Oh do fuck off