How can a man in his 40s meet women offline?

[Cheshireguy]

As per title I am a male in my 40's I have a none social brain so I find it hard to meet the opposite sex, tried online dating but got nowhere the sites seem empty to me. So moving away from online dating how do I meet women? Either casual no strings or something long term I am open to both, life is too short to be on your own

My flaw is I was born with a none outgoing brain its been scientifically proven you have either none social brain, somewhere in between or outgoing personality at birth.

Do you mean you are an introvert rather than extrovert?
Lots of people are introverts but they meet people, settle down etc.

You can learn to be more outgoing.
Being more outgoing means being interested in the other person. And making the effort to get out of the house and do 'stuff'. Just showing up at events is half the battle.

How many friends do you have? Male friends?

Of all the ideas on this thread which two might work?

You won't achieve anything unless you change your behaviour a bit.

A friend of my husband joined the church choir as my DH invited him just for the music. Now another married couple among the choiristers.

Church choir is 70% women around 40 yo. 10% other women. 10% young people and 10% random aged men.

Church choirs round these parts are 98% retired men and women!

Find a local band you like and go to every gig they play. There will be other people who also go to every gig. You will start seeing them regularly, you can build up a friendship or something as you recognize each other, first a nod of recognition, a smile, a few gigs down the road maybe offer to buy a drink. You get the opportunity to see what kind of person they are, and they get to see the same for you. That's how stuff works in real life 🙂

Definitely joining clubs and groups and going on MeetUp type events. If you are in Cheshire you must be fairly close to Manchester which as every social group under the sun there. Ask in the Manchester Reddit page for advice about groups for specific interests. The gym is another possibility. I’m a member at David Lloyd and it’s hook up central.

The gym is another possibility. I’m a member at David Lloyd and it’s hook up central.

Most women aren't going to the gym to be chatted up, though, and would find it annoying.

This is pseudoscience. No one has ‘proved’ any such thing.

If you want a relationship, you will have to be ‘outgoing’ enough to go out and get one. No one’s going to come looking for the monosyllabic guy who thinks ‘science’ means he is exempt from taking any responsibility for the way he is around other people, and who thinks ‘independent’ women are so because of family handouts.

Join a dance group. You attend, and then can also travel to other dance groups in local areas. My dad made loads of friends, and met his wife (he was in his forty’s). He started with Ceroc, and then joined others. He was certainly no dancer before this!

I agree.
That's what I said.

I think OP may be talking about introverts and extroverts.

That's a whole different thing to being born unable to socialise.

I'm an introvert.
I met men through friends, work, hobbies,on holiday, because online dating didn't exist.

I understand it's harder in your 40s but to be a success at work or in your social life the first rule is you need to 'show up'.

That means getting out there, expanding what may be a narrow set of interests so you actually put yourself in a place where there are women!

Have a look at the website Meetup. There will be loads going on in your area, from meals out, concerts, bands, walks, theatre, talks, reading groups, etc.

Time to spread your wings a bit.

Go on a cruise! As a single male you will be very popular and no, not everyone is over 65…

I’m an introvert too. Contrary to what is widely believed on Mn, this doesn’t make me shy, socially awkward or reluctant to socialise. It just means I need more than average amounts of time alone to ‘compensate’ for socialising.

If what the OP actually means is ‘socially awkward’ or ‘reluctant to socialise’, he’s going to have to work on that if he wants to meet women outside of dating apps.

Serious question OP: how often do you see a gorgeous, kind, interesting woman and want to date her? What do you do about asking her out? How does she respond? These could be clues to what is keeping you single when on some ways you sound like a catch - no complications with children, money or addictions, fit etc.

But the OP doesn’t sound like a ‘catch’ at all. He’s a motorsport bore who thinks his lack of ‘outgoingness’ is genetically predispositioned and therefore not anything he has to do something about, and his responses on here suggest some odd ideas and limited emotional intelligence.

Yes but there’s someone for everyone if you meet enough people someone may click with him. I know plenty of motorsport bores, or cricket bores, etc, some of which are emotionally stunted but they’re married. 🤷‍♀️

“If you want a relationship, you will have to be ‘outgoing’ enough to go out and get one. No one’s going to come looking for the monosyllabic guy who thinks ‘science’ means he is exempt from taking any responsibility for the way he is around other people...”

This with bells on.

I’m sure you do have many good qualities, OP, but what’s coming over in this thread is that you are refusing to make any effort socially but you seem to want women to gravitate towards you and make themselves available for dates anyway. That won’t happen if you’re incapable of looking beyond yourself. Why should it? (And do remember that the starting point in any case should be friendship not dates; no-one owes anyone else a relationship, no matter how friendly and outgoing they are).

Many of us are relatively introverted and have to make more effort socially than comes naturally to us in certain situations including when we enter a new social situation - at college, at work, at parties etc.

I think you must sense that because you’ve posted on here about your wish to meet women in real life rather than on-line. That’s a great first step. You need to take the next step of going outside your social comfort zone. You probably have to start by faking it - fake it until you make it is real. It works. The more you practise stepping outside your comfort zone, the wider your comfort zone will become. If you engage in shared hobbies or voluntary activities then you immediately have something to talk about and you can get to know the other people involved in a relaxed way.

A catch IN SOME WAYS. Perhaps he doesn't ever ask anyone out, perhaps he doesn't find that many women attractive, perhaps he isn't interested in other people- if so this will be getting in the way of meeting someone naturally.

This is true. 😀

Though the OP will only find his if he overcomes his belief that his ‘non-social brain’ means he can’t put himself out there socially.

And are their wives happy? Do you look at these guys and think "Wow, if he wasn't married I'd snap him up"?

They seem happy. But they seem well matched iyswim. 🫣😁

There’s a lot of good ideas on here now, based on ‘being more socially available within your own interests’ especially @KnittyKnotty’s post, any comments on that @Cheshireguy?

I do think you could do with meeting more people and finding out more about them, and maybe having some therapy to understand yourself better and to practice social skills. I can’t really tell you what my time in therapy did for me, but I know I’m in the most compatible relationship of my life since doing it.

Is OP talking about being ND?

If you’re an introvert / non-social, @Cheshireguy, do you actually want a relationship or just like the idea of one?

Think about what it would be like to have someone living in your home & sharing your bed. All the time, not just when you’re feeling sociable. Is that what you want? Because I’m an introvert & while I love my busy social life, I know I couldn’t handle that.

I wondered that too but didn't like to ask and labels are not relevant really- it's how you manage your behaviour that matters.

@Cheshireguy

you say you’re a petrolhead?
my friend met her husband at Truckfest!

She was there working and they got chatting - maybe have a look and see if there’s some events on and whether any of them would be of interest.

The trope of the walking club strikes again! I've met a lot of single people who joined walking clubs, and they are not hookup central as many people seem to think!

There's also the myth of decent men will do well. The reality is that probably do worse than the players as the players will be the ones who put themselves forward more.

Currently a lot of the IRL events are now struggling to get male attendees. So actually the hostile attitude towards men isn't helping. Singles events are slowly morphing into female friendship groups, defeating the original purpose.