How can a man in his 40s meet women offline?

[Cheshireguy]

As per title I am a male in my 40's I have a none social brain so I find it hard to meet the opposite sex, tried online dating but got nowhere the sites seem empty to me. So moving away from online dating how do I meet women? Either casual no strings or something long term I am open to both, life is too short to be on your own

How are you in bed ?

Do your friends have gfs and spouses you easily speak to, or do you lack a comfort level speaking to women? Just trying to figure out why you said something about being socially inept.

You could put the word out to your friends that you're looking, in case they want to invite you to a group thing where their single female friends will also be attending.

Since you mentioned music, attend some local music venues held at bars/restaurants/larger concerts. It's a good way to chat up others having fun at the event. It's good to get out into the world as much as possible, so volunteer for local environmental cleanup events. As said, dance classes are a great way to meet women, and there are all kinds such as tango, swing, salsa. There are Meetup.com groups for bicycling, kayaking, attending local festivals, and some cater to singles in particular age groups.

It's a plus that you have several hobbies you're passionate about, even if you're not meeting women while doing the hobby. A woman doesn't want to be the sole happiness in your life.

Good luck!

Oh yes, that's fine, but that' not 'going for a walk and greeting people'.

Gigs, festivals, rock pubs are a good starting point if you like rock music.

Join a load of Facebook groups to do with your interests and be chatty and helpful in these groups. If anyone, male or female, suggests a group meetup then go along. Suggest some meetups of your own. You might it not meet the right person through this but you’ll get out and about and improve your social confidence.

what are you asking us for?
did you confuse Mumsnet with
‘single ladies looking for random 40+guy with permanently throbbing engine’
as
you have got off lightly today trawling this site
as
there are barracudas here

Go to rock pubs/clubs/nights/gigs/concerts & bike meets. Make some like minded male friends you can socialise with and who might know single women your age range.

Yes very rude with pre conceived assumptions made, I am always very cynical about the whole "independent" claims (women or men) when its shouted from the rooftops. Most "independent" people I have met during my life in the end you find out they are receiving money off their grandparents, mummy and daddy have paid the deposit on a house or benefitted from divorce (insert endless reason's here). They haven't the humility to admit all the help and support they have received and like to create an illusion of "independence". Oh look at me I am totally an island of everyone! Empty horse cart's make the most noise...

Truly "independent" people don't shout it from the rooftops they quietly go about their business. Yes motorsport people are the most unassuming most capable people you will meet, I have met team owners worth millions and they are the most down to earth passionate people you will meet.

My advice is from a friend who has been surprised by the number of men she's met who, even in long conversations, cannot ask a single reciprocal question. So they may have talked about music, what music he likes, instruments he plays, gigs he's been to, festivals... And not once does he say "and you? Do you play an instrument?"

So my advice is: don't do that! Be interested in the other person (ideally, actually interested, not just pretending for conversational balance until it gets back to you).

That's probably not helpful because presumably you know this, but apparently it's common, and you did say you had a non social brain, so..
It's probably the first skill in building up the social brain, anyway

What is this incel loser nonsense?

the OP is not owed a relationship. Nor are you.

Men I know who have met women when in their 40s, 50s and 60s, meet them at things like drama groups, sport- tennis, badminton etc- on holiday, pub quizzes, salsa dancing, volunteering, church (if they are religious) and through their work contacts.

It's perfectly reasonable to ask.
For someone who is not a social animal, and is fed up with online dating, it's a fair question to ask on a site (mainly) used by women.

I can do all this! 🙈

Well plenty of single ladies in our local motorbike club. 1/3 of members are female, I’d start by joining this sort of group, it’s breakfast followed by a ride out with ad hoc socials, make friends and let nature take its course. We also have in our town Meet-Up which arrange weekly times for anyone to come along and Beer Thursday which is basically the local pubs on rotation, then monthly band club, ideal if you play as you can join in and 2-3 venues have weekly bands and completely normal in my town to go alone. I’m sure there is similar everywhere but you need to put yourself out there. I met dh online though, paid site not free

“StripedPillowcase · Today 09:04
Cheshireguy · Yesterday 23:11
Is this a job interview? You make it sound like I am a share being sold on the stock market!
Show quote history
In a way, you are, but for all sorts of emotional, psychological and practical reasons, not just financial.
Women don't NEED men any more. Women on the whole like men, good men, kind men, intelligent men, practical men, good looking men. So, as the PP you were replying to said, how would you enhance a woman's life? If she already has a job, a home, children, how will her life improve by you being part of it? It could be as undefined as being someone she enjoys spending time with, make her laugh, listen to her talk, share her ups and downs.”

@StripedPillowcase has nailed it. You do need to be thinking in terms of how you would enhance a prospective partner’s life in addition to what you would like from a partner. That could be in a whole range of ways but it’s not clear from your posts what you think you have to offer a woman. It’s rubbish to suggest (as someone did upthread) that most women will only date men who are 6 ft or taller - DH is 5 ft 6 and, for me, he’s gorgeous and i know many medium height men who are very attractive. And most women are happy to share costs, with the odd treat here and there. But many women will be looking at things like (i) are you interesting to talk to? (ii) do you show an interest/listen well? (iii) are you happy to go on outings which are unrelated to your specific interests? (iv) do you have a good sense of humour? (v) are you reliable/kind etc?

But above all, women are human - we have a great deal in common with men. As someone said upthread, are there women whom you know and chat to in a normal, relaxed way? Colleagues, female relatives, wives/girlfriends of friends etc? It’s important to be as relaxed and natural as possible with the women you meet.

My advice is from a friend who has been surprised by the number of men she's met who, even in long conversations, cannot ask a single reciprocal question. So they may have talked about music, what music he likes, instruments he plays, gigs he's been to, festivals... And not once does he say "and you? Do you play an instrument?"

This is helpful advice copied from an earlier post. You’d be surprised the number of men I’ve met during my single years who make it all about them and never once ask me about my interests or thoughts on life.

Yawn … bin him off.

(mainly) used by women with (often young) children

think about it , whilst you are being kind and generous natured -
a man in his forties unwed, seeking advice/help to meet someone,
on a site populated by women who are by and large, at some point
or other, mums,
subjects ranging from pregnancy, breast feeding, toddlers, early school,
errant husbands, family holidays, back to work, MiL, what to wear, LTB,
house and home, what to wear, on and on,
so no, I would dispute your idea of reasonable,
if a man in his forties cannot get it together to meet someone in the last
twenty years, why has he come here? See my comments above ^

He's come here to get some (hopefully) honest answers and tips.

Think about it- if he wants to move on from online dating why on earth would he try to meet a woman on MN?

And if you're new to MN you may not know that many men are regulars here and contribute to threads on relationships, parenting and family.

It's always good to hear the other side of all this (and give an OP the benefit of the doubt.)

I don't think your interests are a problem as there are loads of women who like gaming, motorbikes, etc. I think the fact that you are 'non social' is the problem.

How do you expect to meet people (anyone, not just women) in real life if you don't socialise?

How old are you exactly, and are you looking for a woman the same age?

If so, and you don't have any huge flaws (living with Mum, financially bankrupt, drug/alcohol addiction, BMI 50+, unkempt and unwashed) then if you join some local walks/writing groups, anything really, I imagine you will be snapped up.

if you are 40+ and are looking for a woman 10 years + younger, then you need to get a grip. Women don't want men 10 years older generally, unless they are very rich

Again based on a load of assumptions pulled out of thin air, I joined the site as it is a well used forum and after reading some of the posts in the relationship section it came across as a friendly forum so I joined.

Voluntary work and hobbies (clubs & societies) are where I met my two (and only) boyfriends one of whom is now DH who I've known for 40 years! I never "dated" as such, didn't go to pubs and clubs. One guy I met through a club/society where we had a common/shared interest and became friends long before we became romantically involved. Second was voluntary work, where again, we became friends before romance. In both cases, it's hard to say when we became "more" than friends as our friendship each time just morphed into a relationship via a very slow burn. I (and both boyfriends really) find it hard to make friendships and neither of the 3 of us would ever have randomly asked someone out on a date - we were all very quiet (introverted) people.

Could you see yourself joining the Ramblers? It's a bit if a cliche - but if you're in your 40s you are still young in terms of finding a partner.

When you say you're not social do you mean you find conversation and small talk hard?

If so this is why it's better to meet people through mutual interests or work.

It may go against the grain but if you want to meet a woman, you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. That means joining groups where you can meet other people.

It might mean obviously broadening your interests- going to a class maybe to learn a language, volunteering for a community event in your local town, (or a charity can-shake even!) etc.

Do you belong to a local Facebook group where you can see events listed and where they may need help or events you might enjoy attending?

Going back to my previous post, you could meet people

Classes (languages, keep fit, sports, learning a new skill like dry stone walling!)
Litter picks in your town or community events where they need volunteers
Ramblers
Choirs
Conservation volunteer for local wildlife areas
Drama groups
Travelling / holidays

I am 44 years old yes I am looking for similar age or a bit older I don't mind, live alone never been in debt my entire life (in fact the polar opposite) never taken drugs and consumed very little alcohol. Slender build take good care of myself been told many times I look much younger than my age.

Totally agree I am realistic and self aware to know chasing younger women is a waste of time and not something I would be interested in any way. My flaw is I was born with a none outgoing brain its been scientifically proven you have either none social brain, somewhere in between or outgoing personality at birth.

I have blue eyes there is nothing I can do about having blue eyes its how I was born, I think the brain is the same you have what you have. I am sure people will disagree with me but I think all those 0's and 1's in your genes say otherwise...

You asked me those questions so there you go I have answered!

@Cheshireguy Have you some decent guy mates?
I wonder if they could offer advice and also some home truths if they think there are things you could change?

For example do you find conversation hard? Does not being social mean you have nothing to talk about other than classic cars and bikes, and gaming?
Would a woman find you boring?
Do you need to smarten up your appearance - hair cut, teeth, clothes in any way?

Women aren't that fussed over looks but they like men clean, fit men, and most of all to be interesting. If your hobbies are narrow and you have no conversation about anything else they will be bored rigid very fast.