Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

@ThisSillySquid oh that’s good.
So you get the walks, being outside and company all at the same time.

fwiw I think one big isdue with wfh is the isolation. A lot of people fill their ‘socialising bucket’ at work, from a chat around the coffee machine to a chat during lunch or simply a chat.

SpecialMangeTout3
It is very isolating, i try and go out every lunchtime to see a human! Today i went for a swim, tomorrow is a knitting group!

I’ve been AWOL, not posting but reading. @BustyLaRoux, so happy to read your update, you sound so happy. You gave lots of great advice here, so please keep in touch.
@ThisSillySquid the dog walk group sounds good. I met a few good friends through dog walking in my previous house. H and I moved house to this area 2 years ago and once settled in I joined a local craft group and started swimming. We’re retired. I’ve made new friends, got involved in community things and am having a good time. We used to live in this area 13 years ago, and I’ve reconnected with old friends/ colleagues and meet up for coffee etc. H, on the other hand, hasn’t made any effort to do anything or join anything. He has 1 friend who lives a 3 hour drive away who he sees about 4 times a year. His loss.
He would be happy for me to sit in the same room as him all day, watching tv,
I absolutely will not do that. Do your own thing.

Bluebellforest1

My DH is the same, he doesn't have any friends or hobbies. He doesn't go out. - I refuse to do the same so have joined loads of clubs.

Went on the group dog walk which was lovely and has set me up for the day but feeling overwhelmed. It is so hard living with DH and i don't know how I am going to cope. Just going for a cry in the shower

@ThisSillySquid how long have you been married and do you have children?

It's very very hard at the start with your DM. It takes time, I know you probably don't want to hear that but it gets slightly less overwhelming with time. I'm so sorry again.

Morrisons26

married 30 years. Have 3 DC and i have done all the heavy lifting in regards to raising them. They are now mid 20s but still live at home. DH struggled when i went through the menopause and me grieving. He can't cope with me crying. He just kept saying he didn't know what to do. Anything emotional he can't cope with. We don't do anything together as he is happy to stay in. It is a lonely existence but i get round it by going to many clubs. I have to pace myself and think how I am going to fill my time without overdoing it

How was your relationship with your DM @ThisSillySquid Would you like to tell us about her and what she was like? What she meant to you? Only if it’s not too upsetting. Hugs.

Morrisons26

I don't know where to begin regarding DM. I miss her and loved her so very much

@ThisSillySquid some of the MN threads in bereavement helped me a bit. I also posted on there for support. I had some lovely replies. I was so broken. So lost. I also loved me mum very much. She was the best mum ever. I won the lottery ticket in life to be loved so very much by her. It has affected me ever since and I am not the same person. What helped too was to find another close friend who has lost their mum also. They understand like no one else can, how hard it is.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5034717-has-anyone-lost-their-mum-did-it-ever-get-better

I'm missing mum so much and DH has no empathy

Morning everyone.
I found out that my cancer treatment is working a couple of weeks ago. After the initial emotional tsunami that hit, I sort of became a bit numb. I think the enormity of the last 6 months hit me and I literally shut down. I have been in basic function mode, but I can feel myself slowly coming out the other side⛅️
Dh has been gone 3 months now. We have spoken a handful of times about house, car or financial issues.
He doesn't know about my treatment results as he has yet to ask.
He still hasn't spoken to our children.
When I do see him, I feel nothing, more bemusment than anything. I look at this man i spent 28 years building a life with, had children with and see someone i dont know.
I think the anger will come but im just too emotionally spent for now.
I have to stop myself thinking of the damage he has done to my beautiful children. The mother of his children was given a stage 4 cancer diagnosis and instead of holding up their world and protecting them with his entire being, he left, he just left.
I'm reading some of the posts on here and feel your sadness, living with a partner who cannot understand never mind meet your emotional needs is so painful.
The lesson it took me so so long to learn was: he is who he is, I cannot change him.
Sending you all strength and love❤️‍🩹

Really pleased to hear that @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy. Just focus on yourself for now, I really hope you and the kids are able to support each other, I suspect whilst they’re sad, they’ve probably never really had support from their dad, I’m suspecting any support was you saying we support you without your DH actually providing any input (apologies if I’m wrong but it seems to be the pattern) so hopefully the impact of his complete withdrawal hasn’t been as bad as it might. Onwards and upwards you can do this.

Thanks @Pashazade
The physical absence of dh hasn't actually been noticed, as you say it was always me telling the kids that dad did love them, support them etc. His imput has always been non existent.
I see that they are both angrier at him for abandoning me, whereas im angrier on their behalf.
I think I'd accepted he was a shit husband but a tiny part of me hoped he would step up as a father when needed.
The kids had, sadly accepted he was a shit father and are angry that he is also a shit husband.
The one fabulous thing out if all this is our new family dynamic. The kids and I talk a lot, about a lot, we have all developed a new level of resilience and closeness. There is no place in our lives now for dh.

Im so pleased to hear the treatment is working, @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy
In haste- Ducks

Glad to hear the update @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy - hope things continue to go well for you .

Hi, I'm certainly ND I suspect my DH has Asperger's of some kind. I term it as 'high maintenance'.

He is a good man but he is so unreasonable and fussy, we have air conditioning & if I don't close a door properly at the moment he gets upset. I honestly find going on holiday with him with our children so stressful because he is unrelenting in his worry and concern about every new encounter. For example if I take a child outdoors without a hat on even got a couple of minutes he has to make comment.

It's like living with a nagging mother-in-law. He fussiness is anxiety over the minutiae in life. It's funny because I am a hypochondriac and get health anxiety so I cover the 'am I dying?' part of anxiety whereas DH covers the 'is the door locked?' part of anxiety.

Honestly I'm mentally drained & exhausted accommodating his unnecessary requests. I've started a successful business venture which means I'm working half days and a few hours over the weekends and DH is working on me to give that up because he can't cope with the schedule disruption.

I feel I've already given so much of myself to this relationship. I stopped a creative business which was a massive part of my life already because I noticed he would switch off from our relationship if I was away in the evenings - like he couldn't sustain that connection unless I was there in the schedule & at that time, I needed this relationship badly.

I often think I should have picked differently, I wouldn't have all this unnecessary stress. I'm not sure what my answer to all this is. I manage it pretty well tbh, but now I'm trying to work again I just know he hasn't got it in him to give me unconditional support. I can live without his support but he's actively trying to stop me & that's really hard to deal with.

I'm organizing childcare so he gets a break at weekends but it's not enough it seems. I've been taking care of our children in the week for 7 years.

His mother is exactly the same and I'm sure his ND comes from her, so he's grown up thinking all the nagging and minimal emotional support is normal. Just exhausted fighting against this person all the time.

Hi, I'm certainly ND I suspect my DH has Asperger's of some kind. I term it as 'high maintenance'.

He is a good man but he is so unreasonable and fussy, we have air conditioning & if I don't close a door properly at the moment he gets upset. I honestly find going on holiday with him with our children so stressful because he is unrelenting in his worry and concern about every new encounter. For example if I take a child outdoors without a hat on even got a couple of minutes he has to make comment.

It's like living with a nagging mother-in-law. He fussiness is anxiety over the minutiae in life. It's funny because I am a hypochondriac and get health anxiety so I cover the 'am I dying?' part of anxiety whereas DH covers the 'is the door locked?' part of anxiety.

Honestly I'm mentally drained & exhausted accommodating his unnecessary requests. I've started a successful business venture which means I'm working half days and a few hours over the weekends and DH is working on me to give that up because he can't cope with the schedule disruption.

I feel I've already given so much of myself to this relationship. I stopped a creative business which was a massive part of my life already because I noticed he would switch off from our relationship if I was away in the evenings - like he couldn't sustain that connection unless I was there in the schedule & at that time, I needed this relationship badly.

I often think I should have picked differently, I wouldn't have all this unnecessary stress. I'm not sure what my answer to all this is. I manage it pretty well tbh, but now I'm trying to work again I just know he hasn't got it in him to give me unconditional support. I can live without his support but he's actively trying to stop me & that's really hard to deal with.

I'm organizing childcare so he gets a break at weekends but it's not enough it seems. I've been taking care of our children in the week for 7 years.

His mother is exactly the same and I'm sure his ND comes from her, so he's grown up thinking all the nagging and minimal emotional support is normal. Just exhausted fighting against this person all the time.

Hi, I'm certainly ND I suspect my DH has Asperger's of some kind. I term it as 'high maintenance'.

He is a good man but he is so unreasonable and fussy, we have air conditioning & if I don't close a door properly at the moment he gets upset. I honestly find going on holiday with him with our children so stressful because he is unrelenting in his worry and concern about every new encounter. For example if I take a child outdoors without a hat on even got a couple of minutes he has to make comment.

It's like living with a nagging mother-in-law. He fussiness is anxiety over the minutiae in life. It's funny because I am a hypochondriac and get health anxiety so I cover the 'am I dying?' part of anxiety whereas DH covers the 'is the door locked?' part of anxiety.

Honestly I'm mentally drained & exhausted accommodating his unnecessary requests. I've started a successful business venture which means I'm working half days and a few hours over the weekends and DH is working on me to give that up because he can't cope with the schedule disruption.

I feel I've already given so much of myself to this relationship. I stopped a creative business which was a massive part of my life already because I noticed he would switch off from our relationship if I was away in the evenings - like he couldn't sustain that connection unless I was there in the schedule & at that time, I needed this relationship badly.

I often think I should have picked differently, I wouldn't have all this unnecessary stress. I'm not sure what my answer to all this is. I manage it pretty well tbh, but now I'm trying to work again I just know he hasn't got it in him to give me unconditional support. I can live without his support but he's actively trying to stop me & that's really hard to deal with.

I'm organizing childcare so he gets a break at weekends but it's not enough it seems. I've been taking care of our children in the week for 7 years.

His mother is exactly the same and I'm sure his ND comes from her, so he's grown up thinking all the nagging and minimal emotional support is normal. Just exhausted fighting against this person all the time.

Hi @Bedheadbeachbum have you considered if it is worth trying to maintain the relationship? I accept compromise may be needed but actively seeking to prevent you from having a fulfilling life is a different thing. Would it be easier alone? Is he genuinely struggling without you there or is it just that you are no longer being his support human and he doesn’t actually care about your happiness. I think it’s deeply unfair of him to be deliberately sabotaging your work and happiness. Does he recognise what he’s doing? Would he stop if you made it clear it was make or break? All questions worth asking.

@Pashazade so he thinks my life should revolve around him as the breadwinner and this is what he grew up with in his parent's dynamics. He genuinely can't understand why I don't want to turn away work.

I'm in a creative business and you have to be in it to win it.

I remind him that plenty of families do shifts which would involve working all day at weekends. As I said I'm also organizing childcare to give him a break.

It just seems so off that he's sabotaging things by getting in my face at the weekends with nags. He's also listed all the mistakes I've made in my business. Unconsciously he's trying to show me that I'm doing too much and should cut back.

He's such a good guy and a good man but with me there has become a blind spot which is getting colder and colder. I'm always judged for this, that and the other whereas I don't put that on him and I've really supported him in his job over the years. This dynamic only came about once we had children, so the stresses and strains small children bring has brought this out in him.

It is exhausting and draining quite frankly, especially in the heat. The thought that every weekend is going to be managing my job, childcare and also my high maintenance husband. I have to write out a list of how the day will go.

Yes I have thought of an ultimatum. Maybe I need to issue one because that would be better than living like this tbh. On the other hand, this might be a tricky readjustment period for things now.

@Bedheadbeachbum I think you have to have a Frank and honest conversation. These men are hopeless at reading a room or anyone else! Be completely honest with him. Tell him how he is making you feel. That he is pushing you away and making you feel like you aren’t worth anything. Be blunt and be brutal. If he gets it and if he says he’ll make a change then maybe give him a chance but if he doesn’t and refuses to acknowledge your previous efforts for the family or the fact that you deserve a satisfying career too then at least you know where you stand. Life without him will doubtless be difficult but it will likely be much simpler. I’m not saying you must pull the plug but at least knowing your status gives you time to wrap your head around the next stage whatever that may look like.

Does anyone else find that their others halves can't seem to accept that sometimes things 'just happen'? That they always think someone must have deliberately done something?

Like he never seems to accept that sometimes things break without being misused because... they're cheap pieces of crap and break easily or they're old and have been used a lot and so they stop working. But he'll be all 'Who broke this?' whenever something like that happens even when the item is flimsy or unimportant.

Or just now he found that two new running shorts only washed for the second time had the lace come out of the waistband - I told him they just came out of the wash like that but he's convinced someone pulled them out. Like, why the hell? His gym kit goes into the laundry basket soaking with sweat and stinking - why on earth would either me or one of our teenage kids reach in to a reeking, sweat-soaked laundry basket to pull out the laces. The cats couldn't have accessed them either. Maybe they're just not very well made and the lace pulls out easily in the wash?

@Echobelly google says this “If an individual follows all the rules perfectly, an accident "should not" happen. When it does, it creates a massive cognitive conflict that is incredibly difficult to resolve”. I think the black and white thinking means that there must be fault. The object just breaking is to grey. If someone used it correctly then it should not break. The sudden unpredictability of an accident can trigger sensory or emotional overload, launching the person straight into a fight-or-flight response.

Basically it’s a nervous system fight flight response to the unpredictability of the situation and the brain stepping in with logic that reduces the stress by finding a satisfactory answer. I think without this a massive meltdown would happen. In my
own experience most of the meltdown with my kids are things that happen that shouldn’t or happened differently. My littlest is developing a food aversion due to the unpredictability of it. She eats about 5 or six
things.