Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ ND: support thread 18

[Bluebellforest1]

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, some have ND children. It is a support thread and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations and try to keep it specific to you and your partner.

these threads have been going about 10 years now and have been a lifeline of support for many of us.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?latest=1

Interesting - I also find that he gets a bit totemically obsessed with some objects, like, I dunno, an old metal ruler. He got really angry when the kids bent it slightly when they were younger and, like, I know its his and he's had it for decades, but end of the day it's just a ruler. And he can't bear it if anyone moves his nailclipper. A few years ago I pretended I had put it away in the wrong place when I knew it was oldest DC, because they were in the middle of their GCSEs and I didn't them being shaken up by being the target of his meltdown (and he was less angry with me than he would have been with either kid - it started with me coming upstairs to find him demanding that DS must find it because obviously he was the only one who could have 'lost' it)

Is all down to predictability again I think. That ruler was predictable and safe and gave him a sense of safety in a world which is so highly unpredictable. I’ve realised this is why my partner hoards, it’s safe, it’s predictable, it gives him a sense of control over this world. I read that the brain can’t distinguish between situations that need a massive fight flight response or something that can just be filtered out. So they react to absolutely everything as if it’s a brand new threat. Predictability saves this huge response. So the ruler instead of being safe is now a huge threat.

Really so very pleased to hear your positive treatment news @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy 🌼

Your H has acted unbelievably!

I think I have come to a massive realisation about myself and my H and my kids. I’ve been looking at the way a brain processes and I think that most of the behaviours we have, including myself stems from this. I am into my 40s now and the ability to push my brain to try and process at the speed of an NT person has disappeared. I am shocked to discover just how slow I process information and feel assaulted by the world. I feel useless but in actual fact this is who I have been all along underneath the over-processing . It’s why I struggle at work, struggle with friends, basically struggle all around. I can’t process my friends, the quick pace at work and struggle with my kids and their explosive emotions. It’s been a real eye open and it makes my kids behaviour so much more understandable. I have been trying to push them to be more NT when what I need to do more is teach them to respect their abilities so they can build a life around this instead of what I did and push and push into fatigue and burnout. I look at my H, his mother. She has not really taught them to push this way, they are much more comfortable in who they are. I found this strange for a while. She has taught them to do what’s best for them. They all have a small life in terms of people. I have been taught a small life is a failed life, a successful life is big with money etc.

I find this hard to accept. Hard to accept my level of disability. Hard to accept that I built an identity around pushing through because this is who I’m meant to be like. I wish I had a parent who taught me how to live with what I was like my H did. I think it’s made me like her more instead of push against her. I pushed through degree and masters because achieving was what you do but I’ve not ever been able to use it because it burnt me out. I now have a small life and I am much more happy.

I would also like to add just how unfair this world seems to be. The thing that is stopping kids like me from reaching the same level as NT folks is their ability to process. Underneath my inability is actually a brilliant brain, I can imagine this is true for many. I believed that ADHD and AUTISM is what the person is but it’s not, it’s just something which affects the way the brain interprets things. There are brilliant people just pushed aside.

I think so too.

There are a lot of brilliant people whose brilliance never gets the chance to show

I have come to understand that I’m not stupid and weird…a label given to those who don’t conform. I wonder why so many ND adults are so desperate to prove themselves like myself and end up burnt out. We/they shouldn’t have to. Intelligence is not connected to being NT. Which is often how it feels being we simply can’t succeed in the same environment. I wonder if this drives some of our ND partners thinking. They have spent forever trying to prove they can do as much as everyone. We then try and get our kids to behave the same and they can’t and we as parents end up shot and overwhelmed in the process. It is a really learning experience.

There is so much fear in raising ND kids. I know I am constantly afraid for their lives in this world. Do we teach them to mask,
do we teach them to be true to themselves….I don’t have any answers and that’s unsettling.

I’m teaching mine to play the system, recognise it won’t always work for him, use it where it does. Little tricks like if you don’t want to look someone in the eye stare at their nose, they’ll never notice. Figuring out if an environment is good or bad, giving them tools to help them mask where it is going to help them, but never ever making them mask at home. It’s not ideal and if they could be themselves always then that would be amazing but society isn’t built around ND people, I think schools would be much nicer places if they were built round ND kids as everyone would benefit from a calmer environment, but hey ho, so we’re working with the world we actually live in and recognising that sometimes playing the game, but minimising the time needed to do so, is the only way forwards.

That makes sense…know yourself..I made my mask my real face. My first partner was a complete disaster. But then I was use to home being traumatic so it was familiar. It’s a good place to start from, knowing yourself.

Hello, I've been pointed in the direction of this thread and looking for some advice.

Sorry it's such a long post.

I'm married to an undiagnosed Autistic man who has meltdowns which start as irrational nit picks essentially and lead to him making me feel like the most innocuous things are a big deal and are all my fault.

It can be mess in the house, handling parenting issues differently or me wearing a coat when he's in shorts and t-shirt, really crazy stuff. It often lasts all day and in the past I've taken it all, and madly believed I'm at fault, but it's happening too much now and after a heap of therapy I know I'm not to blame for most if not all of it. He's very sensory and gets snappy when he can't cope with noise and smell.

He's controlling, picky, doesn't do as much mental load as I do, wants me to be someone I'm not lots of the time or he's cross with me. He cycles between being down, sensory and snappy, negative and anxious. He's rarely joyful and he's not happy in his job, struggles with friendships so often is lonely but is too anxious to join clubs to meet people. Therapy would help with these things to give him the confidence to change things but he'd rather do nothing and just moan about it which I can't stand.

He's also someone who suffers from depression and anxiety and has childhood trauma. All of this he refuses to do therapy for. We've done a bit of couples therapy at my insistence but he gave up because I think he knew he had to change and didn't see himself making the effort.
We have an undiagnosed Autistic child to contend with as well as another child and parenting two kids under 6 is hard enough as it is without the complexities involved. I strongly think I have ADHD and have done therapy to try and manage it as best as I can.

I try so hard to be the compassionate one and the emotionally regulated one and the one who just trucks on when husband is depressed and out of action, or the kids are being hard, but we both work full time and I can't do it anymore.

He's been away for the odd weekend here and there recently and I've felt so free, not walking on eggshells, and not having to deal with his clashes with our autistic son, as he can't accept that being less controlling helps minimize the length of his meltdowns or dysregulation.

I've told him I can't keep supporting someone who quite clearly needs to do some therapy and not keep taking out their dysfunction on the family. I've talked about separation but when I say that he says I'm selfish, and why do I not love him anymore, I'm breaking his heart and I'm going to ruin our family. He also says this is our life and we just have to accept it. I don't want to because I'm miserable often these days.
When he was depressed in the past but he had more joy and we didn't have kids, or when I didn't work when we first had the kids, I supported him endlessly, including through 3 mental health breakdowns.

Now I work, parent and am unpicking my own neurodivergance and I'm so burnt out I can't coddle him anymore. I now realize doing so much for him has essentially made him unable to be proactive and handle his own depression and multiple issues.

I don't quite know what I'm asking but whenever I resolve to tell him I want to separate I feel so scared. I think because he's made me feel like I'm blowing up our life and ruining everything.

The last time I said I couldn't cope anymore he actively said he was going to leave and not come back and didn't know what he was going to do. He's been suicidal before so I was scared.

I don't feel like he'd handle it rationally. I don't want the kids to be disrupted massively by his potentially horrible reaction. It would be hard enough for them, with us not being together, let alone having to witness him being horrible to me because he won't take responsibility for his role in everything.
I feel trapped and sad and scared.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

Figure out an exit strategy, what benefits might you get, would selling the house work etc etc. Consult a solicitor, or go online and serve him with divorce papers. It will be difficult and brutal and he will throw a tantrum about it but you need to save yourself and by extension the children. From you have said he has refused to engage with any attempts at therapy or recognition of his negative behaviour, you on the other hand have done your best to get a handle on your ADHD and how it has impacted you and others. He won’t change, it’s clear he doesn’t want to. Make your plans and have a new calm and happy life. There is no shame and you can leave a marriage for any reason, being continually made to feel awful and having to walk on eggshells is more than enough reason to leave in my book.

@Wanderingfree21 theres so much in your post!

First of all, imo, one thing that has to be present in a relationship is the fact the needs of both partners are fulfilled. This is clearly not the case for you. You’ve tried your best to reduce triggers for him. And he has done nothing in return.

Second, he is manipulative. The whole ‘I might commit suicide’ is just that. Manipulation.

Third, a weight is lifting when he is away. It’s a big sign. One that is showing how things could be. Lighter, easier, without him around.

Whether it’s because of his autism or the depression or his own temperament, or any combinions of those 3, I’m not sure it matters. What matters is that you’re burnt out from all the caring. That you’ve given it all. That isn’t ready to make any effort. Or maybe he can’t do more than he is. But basically you’re not compatible. And thats a reason good enough to say enough is enough.

Youve said that you’ve tried to separate before but you’re scared.
Can you tell us what it is that you’re scared about? Is that the suicide trhat? Going for it alone? Money?

Thank you for you input. I think I've felt gaslit for a long time, so hearing someone else say it so clearly is very validating.

Thank you for your reply.

Yea I think there's just a messy combination of things affecting him and they're a bad cocktail unfortunately.
I guess there's a number of factors involved. We work together in my family business so we're very enmeshed. We moved into a new house in mid 2025 and it was very stressful, the thought of moving and sorting things out especially as I'm not great with finances and figures beyond being quite careful with money is daunting. I've also been brought up to believe that success in life is getting married and having kids, and although I now know that's not true it runs deep, and I do fear being alone even though I can see it would be massively beneficial to me and the kids.
He does have good days where he's kind and thoughtful which makes me sad for what he once was, but I know it's always temporary and he'll go back to being problematic so I'm trying to keep that at the forefront of my mind.
I'm also just so tired, I have an ibd so I struggle with fatigue and with my autistic son not liking change I just fear it would be too much for me and the kids even though I know deep down it would be the right thing.

Lots to relate to in your post Wanderingfree. Definitely been in similar burn out mode when it’s been impossible to meet everyone’s needs. There are so many good reasons in your post to separate. It’s not sustainable for you to compromise your own needs continually for everyone else.

If you fear your H’s response can you do a slower separation, where you pull back on the support you’re giving? Do you have a spare room you could move into? I can see why it would be hard if he works in the family business. Are you able to book some things in for yourself to try to heal your own burnout?

My DH has trauma and a chronic condition. I thought I was doing the right thing taking tasks off him so that he’d feel better, but actually that didn’t work. Now we split tasks so we don’t have to collaborate and he gets on well with structured regular tasks. Is that possible in your situation to get some time and space for yourself?

Wow I'm glad I found this thread. DH is late diagnosed autistic and finds parenting really hard. Easily overwhelmed by noise and mess and frequently snapped at our son, screaming in his face (even when DS was a baby/toddler) and recently punched a door in front of DS after screaming at him and calling him names so I said I wanted to separate and now we're living separately (DS with me)

Prior to that and all previous meltdowns I tried to help by taking on the bulk of parenting. I'd do morning routine every day while he slept in, I did bath time because DH found it difficult for sensory reasons. Hardly any alone time. Now DH is reframing this as me being controlling.

I'm still torn between feeling guilty if it really is completely involuntary and the result of a disability but I couldn't put up with his rage any more.

I think the only way a relationship like these work is when both sides are sort of against the ASD or the ADHD. How can we both work together against the disability. Denying and blaming is not working together. The person with the disability has to acknowledge that some of their behaviour goes against the system of a relationship. If they want a relationship they need to accept this. Then work together to find solutions. We are supposed to be friends and in this relationship together. Same for any issues people have. The problem we all have and this included my H who thinks he’s a one man band he doesn’t understand the concept of others and what they are for. There is bonding when we communicate and we get together and support. They take this as a threat but it’s not. I think it happens often in relationships where one person is sort of destroying it but ego or something else won’t allow them to accept it.

Flogging a dead horse I think if the other person won’t join the team!

I'm still torn between feeling guilty if it really is completely involuntary and the result of a disability but I couldn't put up with his rage any more.

@Piratemam it doesn’t matter if it’s because of his disability or because he is an awful man or because of trauma etc….
If you can’t live with him and his ‘needs’ without burning out or walking in eggshell then it’s a nonstarter really.

Someone loosing it so much he is punching the door would have had me reacting the same way. Not ok. Ever. Regardless of the reason.

I hope you have found some peace and calm now.

@Piratemam I would be gone for the sake of the little one also. Your partner can seek support for himself and overcome this without letting your little one be involved. There has to be a line no matter what the intent. That line absolutely needs to be held. Your doing a great job as protecting him, that is your role as a mum don’t let a grown man tell you otherwise trust your own instincts.

@SpecialMangeTout3 it is much calmer in the house without him, I will feel even better when the divorce is done and the house is officially mine. Just have to get through this really hard bit. Previously when I said I was miserable he threatened to hurt himself and he did that again this time but I didn't respond, so that's another black mark against me from his perspective.

He doesn't seem to want full custody but is worried about not having influence over DS. He'll probably have him at alternate weekends. I'll have to move to a cheaper house if he decides he wants more and won't pay child maintenance. So I'm a bit worried about that - and I don't trust him with DS because of all the raging.

Thank you, I really need the validation at this point because DH is making me feel like a horrible person for breaking up the family and not following marriage vows - but I try to remember how scared DS looked during that previous incident. DS seems more relaxed at home as well.

It is the hardest job being a mum. We are going to be the baddie sometimes, but it will make you a stronger person. I always operate from a position of mum first. He is meant to be your support, you are the emotional corner stone and core person to your child. Never let a man belittle this role because he can’t regulate himself.

Many of us struggle, have terrible pasts and trauma and illness, many of us mums have autism or adhd and we do not behave like this. My aim as an ND mum is to pass down knowledge and good behaviours and things I’ve learned and to communicate and talk about my difficulties to my kids. We want them to have better than we did. Isn’t that the foundation of parenting!

I feel like I've already pulled back my support and encouraged him to be more proactive with his issues but this has lead to him being clingy and needy. He can sense my withdrawal and he doesn't want to have to take responsibility because it's easier if I just handle everything.

Recently he's commented numerous times about the distance between us and I've told him that I don't feel connection because of his behavior, and his answer is that I'm selfish and he needs affection to want to make changes so we go round in circles.

Yea we have a spare room so that could work but I just know he'll fight any attempts to separate and make me the bad one, so I'd rather just not be in a joint space with him and I'd feel a bit lighter. My mum rents out a holiday flat and he could definitely move there but I know he won't want to, I don't want to move the kids from their home although I might decide to if I'm really struggling.

He's not good at doing things alone. If he's tidying and I've done stuff earlier and I'm relaxing he says things like, this still needs done you know. It's like he can't accept me 'doing nothing' whilst he hustles away in his mind, no matter what how hard I've been working prior.

I've tried to make lists of responsibilities shared between us, but both times he said he didn't like being told what to do, and we can just wing it and collaborate together which basically means he does more for a few weeks, then slips back into doing less because he's depressed, anxious, tired whatever, and someone has to keep everything going which is obviously me.

I'm done trying and I knew when I tell him I'm done he'll say I need to give him time but I've been having these conversations since January and nothing has meaningfully changed. He's on a stable dose of antidepressants and with the weather being good his mood is certainly better than in winter so it'd be the best time to do therapy, restart hobbies, do practices that benefit his mental health that he's learned previously but he said he has no time.

I've been dealing with this and done group anxiety therapy earlier this year, and one to one therapy so it's just excuse after excuse with him.

I relate to your posts so much. It's inspiring to see someone who has left. The being made to feel guilty for protecting yourself and your child is so hard but you're doing the right thing.
Hearing you talk about how much calmer the house is without him is something I relate to and is a light at the end of the tunnel for me.