I'm the OW. He ended it.

[NeverEverLand37]

I know I'm going to be torn apart but I need some support.

I left an abusive relationship.

Then I got involved with a married man. I knew it was wrong but I loved him. It went on for a year. He has now ended it.

I feel broken. Does anyone have any advice on how I can move forward?

@ThisCandidMintGoose I agree although I think men and women can sometimes cheat even though the marriage is happy but maybe because other stuff is going on in their lives. Daft one night stands, stress / escapism from a partner being long term ill /debt/ grief etc etc etc. I also think it’s possible to love or have affection for more than one person. Life and human beings are complicated .

She broke no vows but she did break a moral code.

@CruCru but it’s the op posting?!? I’m 💯 sure if the man was posting it would be a ubiquitous‘you’re a complete c*) but as he’s not, there is zero point berating him? He won’t even see it!

I'm sorry, OP. I can imagine how hurt you must be. No judgement here; I hope you can heal quickly and move on.

Ignore the people on here saying you ruined his marriage. You didn’t ruin his marriage-he did.

What kind of support do you honestly expect ffs

You’ll have all sorts of bitter ex wives or women who’ve been cheated on here. It’s not your fault he was married!

you shouldn’t have even mentioned he was married tbh, the sentiment is the same that someone’s ended it with you and you feel sad. It will pass, I know it feels like it won’t but it will you just have to thug it out and stay strong. You’ll come back to this and be like ahh yes this was right after all, that’s exactly what happened to me in both my break ups. Last time I just told myself I was playing a waiting game, waited for it to pass and kept myself very busy with plans. Were about to have a heatwave, get out and meet someone else!

Boring 🥱 she’s not disgusting. He might be, but she’s not. It’s fuck all to do with her if he wants to cheat.

As a daughter who's parents marriage ended due to an affair - I've no sympathy for you, OP. Give your head a wobble.

Other women who want to help her get over it. She is being punished enough without us piling on.

Yes, but in every case (same sex marriages excepted) it was the husband who did the cheating so it really doesn't make sense to blame the woman who wasn't married to you so much more than the man who was. If Barry makes a commitment to you, he's the one responsible for upholding it, not every woman he ever meets. The whole point of the commitment was because, presumably, you could find another partner if you wanted to and you pledge to forsake all others.

I guess it's partly deflected blame because it's easier to blame her than the man you trusted, and sadly I suspect there's still some degree of very hardwired sexism in a lot of us.

Not helpful. You come across as bitter and a bit unhinged.

OP - you have to own your actions and there are no excuses for what you did.
You made the choice with the facts and still did it.
It is quite frankly irrelevant what he has done within his marriage and what vows he broke.
You and you alone own your actions and you have to come to terms with the consequences of your actions without blaming anyone else. They were fairly sleazy but that is for you to accept in your own head and within your own moral compass

It would never have worked.

You lose them how you get them

You need to work on yourself and what is obviously understandably low self esteem begore you go into another relationship

You should be relieved it's over , he's a lying cheat , would you really want a man like that ?
You will recover ,you won't spend the rest of your days pining over a shit like that.
Hopefully you will realise you are worth more than being someones husbands sordid leg over.
Get some self respect and also respect the wife of any future married men that may come sniffing around.
Having an abusive relationship does not give you the green light to shag married men.
I feel such contempt for a man that does this and you should know better.

I believe if a married man pursues another woman & the feeling is mutual the decent thing would be to say I will only enter into a relationship with you when you leave your wife. If an affair begins before the marriage has ended then they are both equally to blame for breaking up a family. You obviously loved this man OP & it's understandable you are devastated. If he had left his wife for you before the relationship began it may have had a better ending.

I have been trying to decide whether or not to post here. I was the other woman also. For many years, many, many years ago. I know this hurts terribly now, but it will get better. I probably would have never left if I hadn't met my now husband. I was lucky. He really did you a favor. I know you don't think that now but he truly did. You deserve better. Please remember that. I hope that you find a lovely man who loves you madly and you build a life and a family with him.

Fair to say, these men would find it MUCH more difficult to abuse their wives through infidelity, without ‘other woman’s’ desperate assistance…

And I really struggle with the ‘bitter ex wife’ trope to describe women who have been traumatised by this, by posters who parrot misogyny accusations at women who have issues with these women.

You were vulnerable to a man just looking for sex after you left the abusive relationship. You didn’t cheat on this man’s wife; he did.

Stop beating yourself up about it. Forgive yourself and allow time to recover. Time is what it will take, so use every day to work on your self esteem, acknowledge where you went wrong so you can know better what to look for in any future relationships. You know, deep down somewhere, that you deserve better. Start to believe in yourself, know your worth and everything will be so much better for you.

It's irrelevant how difficult or not they find it, when they do it it's on them. If your husband tries it on with every woman he meets and is only true because they all say no, is he faithful and loyal?

Presumably you were aware that women exist who would potentially sleep with him or you wouldn't have needed his commitment not to do it. You can't hold every woman responsible for him and if he's actually faithful and true then you don't need to. Who cares if it's easy for him to cheat if you can trust him not to?

Why would anyone hold 3 billion unrelated people responsible over the one person who committed to you?

Personally I think you should do the decent thing and tell her. I would want to know!

Sorry but no sympathy. Did you think about his wife and/or children at all? Nasty selfish behaviour.

You’re trying to convince me it’s ALL the man. I don’t agree. Of course it’s him and he’s a sleaze but to actively involve yourself in someone’s abuse is wrong. You can spin that however you like. In no other context does being complicit to someone’s abuse get minimised the way it does with infidelity.

I wonder if you’d be so supportive if it was your husband she was shagging.