I (38M) have been married to my wife (36F) for six years, together for nine. Before I met her, I was single for a long time and honestly not that interested in relationships. During that period, I occasionally paid for sex. Not constantly, but enough that if I added it all up over the years, it would probably be a few dozen different sex workers.
Once I met my wife, all of that stopped completely. I’ve never cheated on her, never even came close. We have what I thought was a very honest and solid marriage.
The issue started recently when we were watching some TV show where a character mentioned hiring escorts, and I casually said something like, “Yeah, been there, done that.” She got quiet and started asking questions, and I answered honestly. When she realized it was more than “a few times” and had been an actual pattern in my past, she got extremely upset.
She says this is something I should absolutely have disclosed before marriage because it changes how she sees me and because sexual history matters in a relationship. She feels deceived and says I hid it from her for almost a decade.
My perspective is that everyone has a past. I never lied to her. She never once asked me if I’d ever paid for sex or asked for detailed numbers about previous partners. If she had asked directly, I would have told her. To me, this was private information about my life before we met, and since it had zero overlap with our relationship, I didn’t think it was relevant.
Now she’s barely speaking to me and says she doesn’t know who she married.
I feel I have done nothing wrong and that if this was a dealbreaker for her than it was on her to ask me if I had ever paid for sex before.
I want to know how the users of Mumsnet feel about this. Do you agree with me or with her?