Was I wrong for never telling my wife that I used to visit sex workers before we met?

[JibJab3030]

I (38M) have been married to my wife (36F) for six years, together for nine. Before I met her, I was single for a long time and honestly not that interested in relationships. During that period, I occasionally paid for sex. Not constantly, but enough that if I added it all up over the years, it would probably be a few dozen different sex workers.
Once I met my wife, all of that stopped completely. I’ve never cheated on her, never even came close. We have what I thought was a very honest and solid marriage.
The issue started recently when we were watching some TV show where a character mentioned hiring escorts, and I casually said something like, “Yeah, been there, done that.” She got quiet and started asking questions, and I answered honestly. When she realized it was more than “a few times” and had been an actual pattern in my past, she got extremely upset.
She says this is something I should absolutely have disclosed before marriage because it changes how she sees me and because sexual history matters in a relationship. She feels deceived and says I hid it from her for almost a decade.
My perspective is that everyone has a past. I never lied to her. She never once asked me if I’d ever paid for sex or asked for detailed numbers about previous partners. If she had asked directly, I would have told her. To me, this was private information about my life before we met, and since it had zero overlap with our relationship, I didn’t think it was relevant.
Now she’s barely speaking to me and says she doesn’t know who she married.
I feel I have done nothing wrong and that if this was a dealbreaker for her than it was on her to ask me if I had ever paid for sex before.
I want to know how the users of Mumsnet feel about this. Do you agree with me or with her?

90% of men never, ever do this. The reason she didn't ask is because the vast majority don't.
Its a bit like asking if some one we are datinf thinks domestic violence is OK or is a paedophile. We all know there are cunts that do this, we just hope we have better judgement that to fall in love with these specimens.
Obviously we are not all that lucky.

Right, now I know it’s rage bait!

I agree with this.

@JibJab3030 what else should we be asking our partners if we have to ask about prostitutes?

Do you like fucking animals?
Do you like little girls?

I agree with your wife. A couple of dozen times? Yikes no thanks.

I’ve been married 20 years. I have never asked my husband if he has ever regularly paid for sex, because why the hell would I? I would assume because of his character, he hasn’t. If he thought so little of it he never mentioned it then casually dropped it in to conversation 9 years after we met, I’d be angry too. It’s sleazy AF and any man who doesn’t understand that in this day and age, is not the kind of guy I’d want to remain married to.

“A few dozen” !
And you’re probably minimising the numbers …

If I had a daughter I would have a problem with her being FORCED to do prostitution. I have a problem with anybody being forced.

If she chooses it of her own free will I have no problem.

I have a friend who was a prostitute. She had no drug addiction and doesn't even drink. She chose to do this for a period of time for her own reason. In case you think she is lying to me you should know that she is not one of the sex workers I slept with. She is a friend that I have never slept with that i didn't even know had done sex work until she told me. I bring her up to point out that the idea that every prostitute is a trafficked drug addict with not choice in her situation is misinformed at best

OP, do you expect your wife to "endure" duty sex? Does she feel that she can say "no" to you?

If my partner wasn't turned on, that would turn me off. This is how normal decent people behave sexually.

« You try your best » ? 🤮 Doing your best is fine in some situations, but this isn’t one of them.

If DP revealed something like this he’d be out on his arse, he’s been to a strip club before and we almost split up over it but sex workers would mean divorce, no way back.

What a stupid comment. If you asked that question to a prostitute the answer would be yes.

I actually dislike the paternalistic, imperious, "come now" tone - especially considering the subject matter - almost as much as I dislike the fact that you bought people, and so very many times. It's so obvious that you think you're the rational and reasonable one, but you're not. The fact you thought someone should have to question you on this before you reveal it, and just drop it into conversation like it was a trip to Devon and don't see the problem, proves you're not.

Back to Reddit with you, “38M”

What on earth makes you say that? I was being 100% honest

100% with the wife. You should have told her from the start. You've decieved her into being in a relationship with someone many women wouldn't touch with a bargepole.

Fucking grim
How would you feel if she’d had done the same with men?

If someone there was trafficked that is not on me.

"Man admits to not being bothered by the fact that he likely raped women, wonders why wife is upset"

I cannot believe anyone is genuinely this thick.

Here’s the thing.

When a woman meet a guy she thinks seems like a nice guy, a good guy, she doesn’t think to quiz him about whether he’s fucked prostitutes and if so how many times. It isn’t somewhere the mind of a woman with no prior experience of this would naturally go.

The fact you seem utterly and completely defensive of your past behaviour, and even justify it makes me see exactly why your poor wife has gone so thoroughly off you. I agree with a PP that it’s likely terminal ick.

And these friends who are ‘sex workers’…were you a previous client of theirs? How many people have friends - plural - who are prostitutes whilst also admitting to using prostitutes literally dozens of times? Very few, I will wager.

You also seem oblivious to the potential risk you’ve put her sexual health at. While there are many prostitues who are careful with guarding their sexual health, there are also many who are not. Sex workers are, by the very nature of their jobs, having prolific amounts of sex, and therefore your risk of exposure to STIs and therefore your wife’s risk is higher than average. I hope to god you got tested before you hooked up with her.

Imagine you have daughters one day - how would you feel about them having to have sex multiples times a day with strange men to make ends meet/under coercion/because they have no other choice, even if their punters are revolting. I bet you’d want a different life for your daughter.

I don’t even know you and you have absolutely made my stomach turn, I cannot imagine how shit your wife must feel now.

Get off your moral high ground about this, and you’d best hope your wife forgives you for such an almighty and deliberate omission about your past.

You PAID for a vessel to eject your sperm into. Not another sentinent human being, just an object. That is how you view women and its morally disgusting.

I hope this thread is taken down and you are banned. Horrible.

the idea that every prostitute is a trafficked drug addict with not choice in her situation is misinformed at best

Enough are trafficked, addicted, or groomed for the whole industry to be suspect. Same as hand car washes.

We're not here to educate you on basic human decency. You're a pig and can fuck right off of Mumsnet. I hope your wife divorces you

The very fact that you cannot see anything wrong with what you've done is enough to give any woman terminal ick.

That you're trying to justify renting women's bodies to ejaculate into doesn't help.

If I was your wife, I'd divorce you. You're not the man she thought she married.

Perhaps OP's totally real and not fictional wife would be wise to ask him those questions! Who knows what he's likely to say!

Reported. Nobody is this stupid and disgusting, so it's trolling.

I don’t think it would ever cross my mind to ask, so no! Ans judging by the responses you are getting I’m not in the minority!!

“I try my best” 😂 ffs (suspicious use of the present tense there also but moving on…)

Funnily enough, I’ve actually never had sex with a vulnerable probably-trafficked woman in a brothel. Not once. I really didn’t have to try at all, tbh. I just find the idea makes my skin crawl so it’s easy.

And if it’s not your fault, as the person literally perpetuating the trafficking by paying the traffickers directly, whose fault is it?

Besides, your point is invalid as actually there are lots of ways of being as ethical as possible with regards to how you spend your money, especially involving human beings and services. You always have a choice to make to educate yourself on what you buy, whether that’s a pair of shoes or a chocolate bar or a massage or, you know, the opportunity to put your dick in someone who all things considered doesn’t really want you to - and the responsibility is always yours to make the right choice. You can’t absolve yourself of guilt because you looked the other way and decided it was worth it.