Was I wrong for never telling my wife that I used to visit sex workers before we met?

[JibJab3030]

I (38M) have been married to my wife (36F) for six years, together for nine. Before I met her, I was single for a long time and honestly not that interested in relationships. During that period, I occasionally paid for sex. Not constantly, but enough that if I added it all up over the years, it would probably be a few dozen different sex workers.
Once I met my wife, all of that stopped completely. I’ve never cheated on her, never even came close. We have what I thought was a very honest and solid marriage.
The issue started recently when we were watching some TV show where a character mentioned hiring escorts, and I casually said something like, “Yeah, been there, done that.” She got quiet and started asking questions, and I answered honestly. When she realized it was more than “a few times” and had been an actual pattern in my past, she got extremely upset.
She says this is something I should absolutely have disclosed before marriage because it changes how she sees me and because sexual history matters in a relationship. She feels deceived and says I hid it from her for almost a decade.
My perspective is that everyone has a past. I never lied to her. She never once asked me if I’d ever paid for sex or asked for detailed numbers about previous partners. If she had asked directly, I would have told her. To me, this was private information about my life before we met, and since it had zero overlap with our relationship, I didn’t think it was relevant.
Now she’s barely speaking to me and says she doesn’t know who she married.
I feel I have done nothing wrong and that if this was a dealbreaker for her than it was on her to ask me if I had ever paid for sex before.
I want to know how the users of Mumsnet feel about this. Do you agree with me or with her?

Elaborate

You were wrong for treating potentially abused, traumatised women as commodities, pieces of meat for your enjoyment. You were also wrong for not informing your wife of what sort of man you are so she could make an informed decision.

You weren’t wrong for not telling her. You were wrong for using women’s bodies as commodities in the first place.

You were very foolish to bring this up. She will never think of you in the same way.

And women, it never occurs to us to ask in advance, as we dont casually think using womens bodies is ok, but seems we need to be less naive and ask up front, do you or have yiu ever used prostitutes or do you think prostitution is ok? That's what I would do if I was dating now.

First, and most importantly, paying for sex raises complex questions over consent, particularly enthusiastic consent which should really be the baseline for sex.

Second, the fact that not only did you do this but you did it repeatedly speaks volumes about your character. For me (I'm a bloke BTW) the thought of having to bribe a woman to have sex with me is abhorrent. I'd rather be celibate.

Ugh. Paying for consent is awful. The consent given isn’t true consent.

If you really had no other options other than to go to sex workers there must be something else wrong with you! IMHO.

You could have had a FWB arrangement or even had a few ONS.

But buying sex - yup. I’d probably seriously consider divorce.

Then don't you think it's a good idea to ASK someone you are dating if they have done this before?

It doesn't matter whether you were right or wrong. What matters is there's a strong possibility your wife is now repulsed by you, and you don't seem to understand why.

Actually I think op is a troll looking for a debate.

They were forced into it by their circumstances and you took advantage of that. That’s why you cannot buy consent.

No little girls grow up dreaming of being a prostitute one day.

Because buying access to a prostituted woman's body is disgusting.

Any man who would do it sees women as less than human. Why would a woman want to be with a man like that?

The vast majority of women in the sex trade are there because they've been groomed, coerced, trafficked or compelled through abject poverty or addiction. That's not meaningful consent.

Your wife is right to be horrified. You aren't the man she thought you were.

I don’t really understand how, if it is such a minor thing that you could just casually drop it into a conversation like you describe, that it has never once come up before. So you had no idea whatsoever of her opinion of men paying for sex? She’s never mentioned it in relation to any other TV show or news story or film? What else don’t you know about her and her opinions and beliefs?

Besides that, knowing that it’s not exactly mainstream behaviour, you never once thought to maybe ask her or discuss it with her and figure out her feelings before getting involved? Of course she’s upset. It would have been better to either tell her early on or not at all, not just randomly drop a massive bombshell on her 10 years in.

I wonder why you decided to bring it up when and how you did. Maybe you should be considering that. How is the relationship otherwise?

It doesn’t really matter either what other women on the internet think about men paying for sex. The woman that you did actually marry does not like it and it’s only her opinion that matters. I doubt if you went back to her and told her Mumsnet think it’s fine (which it obviously won’t) she’d be like oh well that’s ok then, all forgiven.

I would really hope I wouldn’t need to because men also think it’s abhorrent. I’ve been with my DH for 13 years and we both know each other’s sexual histories. It’s not a secret and, before I would let any man near me, I’d want to know where else it had been.

If this is real, then obviously you've completely disgusted her by doing something unethical and immoral, and yes, the fact that you paid to have sex with women who didn't want to have sex with you is something you should have disclosed.

As someone who was briefly trafficked as a teenager, I encountered men just like you, and I think you're absolutely abhorrent.

I hope she has better luck on the next husband.

@JibJab3030 I think you absolutely came to the wrong forum if you wanted posters to agree with you I'm afraid.
Lots of women would have an issue if they found out their husband paid for sex with dozens of different partners. The fact that it was this kind of number indicates a pattern of behaviour - and therefore indicates your attitude towards sex and women in general. Thus is bound to have an impact on how your wife sees you. It's astonishing that this is a surprise to you.

The fact that you also have friends in the sex industry is also never going to help your case (on here anyway)

Even if you think you can pay for consent, you’ve paid a woman (or many many women in your case) to use her body as an object, which doesn’t reflect well on how you think of women.

you also can’t be sure that all the women you used were there by choice. If there’s even a 0.0001% chance she may not want to be there and may be being forced to be there, that should be enough to massively turn you off, but for you it wasn’t.
I can see why she’s upset.
That is, If this is real, I find it hard to believe someone’s genuinely come to MN thinking they’re going to get sympathetic views about using prostitutes.

You paid to override women's "no", and you wonder why your wife is disgusted? What you did is a hair's breadth away from rape.

nobody is this stupid. It is rape, you can post with your faux innocence but you know.

Grim. I’d be seriously considering divorce if my husband told me this.

It does seem a little ragebaity, doesn't it?

What else should we ask?

Have you every killed anyone? Did you commit armed robbery before we met? Are you attracted to farm animals? Can you list the women you've sexually assaulted?

Where do you draw the line?

Should the checklist of questions be something like:

• have you ever murdered anyone?
• have you every raped anyone?
• have you ever committed armed robbery?
• Have you ever maimed someone?

Surely, it should be safe to assume that someone is generally a decent person unless they tell you otherwise.

Women who are paid for sex are desperate for money. Not because they like providing a public service or enjoy intimacy. It's a job taken out of sheer desperation and nothing else, and that they hate themselves for having to do.

You're deluded in not understanding why your wife finds this so abhorent.

I shouldn't have to, just as I shouldn't have to ask whether you've ever stolen something.

That you think "punting" is normal enough that she should ask is a sorry reflection on you, not her.

Not trolling, but yes, interested in debating because I can see most here disagree with me but I am really struggling to understand the reasoning. Most of the time if I disagree with someone's position on something I can at least understand their reasoning, but with this I can't even come close. All I see is people calling it rape based on nonsensical logic