Was I wrong for never telling my wife that I used to visit sex workers before we met?

[JibJab3030]

I (38M) have been married to my wife (36F) for six years, together for nine. Before I met her, I was single for a long time and honestly not that interested in relationships. During that period, I occasionally paid for sex. Not constantly, but enough that if I added it all up over the years, it would probably be a few dozen different sex workers.
Once I met my wife, all of that stopped completely. I’ve never cheated on her, never even came close. We have what I thought was a very honest and solid marriage.
The issue started recently when we were watching some TV show where a character mentioned hiring escorts, and I casually said something like, “Yeah, been there, done that.” She got quiet and started asking questions, and I answered honestly. When she realized it was more than “a few times” and had been an actual pattern in my past, she got extremely upset.
She says this is something I should absolutely have disclosed before marriage because it changes how she sees me and because sexual history matters in a relationship. She feels deceived and says I hid it from her for almost a decade.
My perspective is that everyone has a past. I never lied to her. She never once asked me if I’d ever paid for sex or asked for detailed numbers about previous partners. If she had asked directly, I would have told her. To me, this was private information about my life before we met, and since it had zero overlap with our relationship, I didn’t think it was relevant.
Now she’s barely speaking to me and says she doesn’t know who she married.
I feel I have done nothing wrong and that if this was a dealbreaker for her than it was on her to ask me if I had ever paid for sex before.
I want to know how the users of Mumsnet feel about this. Do you agree with me or with her?

And many who are 'choosing' it are doing so due to poverty, poor life options, drug addiction and complex trauma due to CSA. But that's ok though as long as the punter wasn't responsible!

Got to be. Rage bait this surely.

Notoriously hysterical!
@pinkyredrose do you know there is long history of associating women with irrationality and emotional instability, and the word hysterical is used to undermine or invalidate women by linking outrage to their uterus specifically rather than addressing their argument? If not you do now.
Prostituted women deserve out outrage.

I don't think a guy would say that about his daughter either. Men compartmentalise and are good at othering. They don't like to think of women they pay for sexual services as daughters etc. It's why they do things like sleep with sex workers in other countries and not at home, helps if she doesn't have the same accent etc they can think of the women differently. Makes it more real otherwise, don't want the conscience creeping in..

Anyway OP, now you know that your DW's reaction is perfectly normal and typical of many many women.

It's up to her whether or not it's given her the ick and completely changed her view of you and the relationship. It certainly would for me.

Why do you think your actions are normal enough that the average woman would even think to ask that question! 🤮

Prostituted women deserve out outrage.

Punters deserve our outrage.

If someone there was trafficked that is not on me. - but it is. They would not be trafficked if men like you did not pay for their services. The pimps and brothel managers would have no custom so would not do it.

It IS on you ...

Can I ask why you felt you needed to purchase sex?

Couldn't you find anyone who would willingly have sex with you?

Eurgh yuk...I wouldn't touch you with a bargepole OP. Your poor wife.

🎯

I’m probably going against the grain here, but tbh providing these women weren’t operating out of an illegal brothel sex then you’ve done nothing wrong. Morally might be a different discussion. Tbh I don’t think I’d have told your wife, I’m of the opinion someone’s sex life before I met them is none of my business. For perspective putting yourself in your wife’s shoes, how would you feel if your wife had previously used male escorts?

I think the concensus of opinion is pretty unanimous to be fair. Certainly enlightening from another man's perspective contemplating with an issue that I've never particularly considered.
I've no experience of anything like this and can only offer some forward reasoning.
So far you've only received a sea of opinion to which your seeming struggling to accept.
Considering the emotional flood of response it would be interesting to hear how a 'sex worker' would describe their feelings with regard to what's been said. In doing so you may or may not see a bit more of a balanced viewpoint.
Naturally your defending your actions without enough due thought process.
I think you in your position need to take away everything that's been said to you which in time may help you understand your wife's perspective.
Personally I think that's the least you can do if there's any remote chance of saving your marriage.

The residents of Holbeck, which was the UK's only "tolerance zone" until it was discontinued, spoke of the pimps hanging around at a distance to keep an eye on "their girls". Both pimp and woman were often Romanian. You're on glue if you think the women weren't trafficked.

They mostly don't slag off the punters whilst actively working as it's bad for the business model, men like to believe it's all great usually. There are lots of AMAs on Reddit.
Even ones I've read where the woman was not pimped, trafficked or abused were dark despite some women earning incredible money. That being the reason for doing it over minimum wage job.
One memorable one said it was great but there were things like vomiting after being with very smelly men, using a safe word 3 times before a guy stopped and then seeing him again as he paid so well. A guy wanting her to pretend to be a child, super violent inquiries (which she turned down) and a client who was mid eighties and made her think of her grandad.
She also said she would tell her partner before marriage, she was single at the time. She said she thought it was hypocritical but she would never want to be in a relationship with a guy who had used or thought it was ok to use escorts. I really remembered this because it seemed to say something despite her saying the job was great! Basically the money was. She also spoke about the danger of going into rooms with different men and how she kept safe by telling her friend times/locations etc.
You would need an iron constitution I reckon.

Sex work often occurs in contexts shaped by poverty, coercion, trafficking, or limited choices, so I see the buyer as taking advantage of someone with fewer options. The fact that occasionally there are sex workers who choose their profession doesn’t mean they chose it freely out of a desire to do that work. Many see it as a last resort or do it out of desperation as well as many vulnerable women being the most likely to do it (those who were in care, were abused as children, who are in poverty, who were brought to the UK illegally, who don’t have any qualifications, addicts and those who have learning difficulties or neurodivergencies).

A man who hasn’t considered these things and been put off the entire industry as one steeped in coercion, desperation and tears is one who doesn’t think about the experiences and inner lives of other people enough. And that would disgust me.

It’s illegal to operate a brothel in the Uk. So they were all illegal brothels

For your information I was referring to escorts who work privately, not women who work the streets. For all we know that’s who the OP was using.

Women working in flats are also often trafficked and pimped. Ever heard of pop-up brothels?

That’s what I said…so yes I’m aware brothels are illegal!

I would never in a million years have married a person who had used sex workers.
I would have ended the relationship immediately.
Thats why your wife is upset. Had she known, she would have kicked your creepy arse to the curb.
Did you also leave reviews on those UKpunters sites or is that a step too far even for you?
Disgusting.

I doubt your wife will stay with you after this.

You’d be fine with your daughter being a sex worker or prostitute if she wanted?
Geez your wife is scraping the barrel here

You are right, you had no obligation to tell her about your sexual past. However, she has an absolute right to be uncomfortable about your sexual past. I for one would have a huge difficulty in being married to someone who paid for sex. You see it as something that is purely transactional between consenting adults, which I believe is a blinkered view.

How the fuck have you been married this long to a woman and not know she would seriously object to you paying for sex? This isn’t about who is right and who is wrong but it does demonstrate that you and your wife have very different values.

Rage bait or true honesty .. both as disgusting.
Your posts show you have no insight at all, no ability to understand what’s wrong with what you did. Maybe there would be some hope if you self reflected and realised how wrong you were in your younger days but no, you arrogantly see no wrong in ‘buying sec’

i think we see men who use sw as sad lonely men who can’t attract women or those that arrogantly see women as a commodity.
The fact you claim to have friends who were SW seems suspect to me to, what women would admit to that (did you meet them on the job) I doubt your wife would be happy with your old prostitute friends .. and she sure as well wouldn’t like those friendships now.
You think men who use Bonnie Blue is great…that just sums you up 🤮
This is all too gross, So I’m guessing this is rage bait as surely no man is stupid enough to post that on MN.
whatever the case, your are just sad.