Was I wrong for never telling my wife that I used to visit sex workers before we met?

[JibJab3030]

I (38M) have been married to my wife (36F) for six years, together for nine. Before I met her, I was single for a long time and honestly not that interested in relationships. During that period, I occasionally paid for sex. Not constantly, but enough that if I added it all up over the years, it would probably be a few dozen different sex workers.
Once I met my wife, all of that stopped completely. I’ve never cheated on her, never even came close. We have what I thought was a very honest and solid marriage.
The issue started recently when we were watching some TV show where a character mentioned hiring escorts, and I casually said something like, “Yeah, been there, done that.” She got quiet and started asking questions, and I answered honestly. When she realized it was more than “a few times” and had been an actual pattern in my past, she got extremely upset.
She says this is something I should absolutely have disclosed before marriage because it changes how she sees me and because sexual history matters in a relationship. She feels deceived and says I hid it from her for almost a decade.
My perspective is that everyone has a past. I never lied to her. She never once asked me if I’d ever paid for sex or asked for detailed numbers about previous partners. If she had asked directly, I would have told her. To me, this was private information about my life before we met, and since it had zero overlap with our relationship, I didn’t think it was relevant.
Now she’s barely speaking to me and says she doesn’t know who she married.
I feel I have done nothing wrong and that if this was a dealbreaker for her than it was on her to ask me if I had ever paid for sex before.
I want to know how the users of Mumsnet feel about this. Do you agree with me or with her?

It's never occurred to me to ask that question to a boyfriend - I've just always assumed that most men I've met are decent and decent men don't pay for sex.

Maybe I'm naive 😐

I think the OP is typing with one hand...

"I do my best to avoid" trafficked women.

You admit you can't be sure but you didn't give a shit when it came down to it.

To me, you're a rapist. If I was your wife, I would be gone.

How were you going to licensed brothels? They're illegal in the UK thankfully. Are you in the US or something? Macho culture, misogyny and treating women as commodities is much more of a thing there IMO.

Buying women for sex is grim, but nice that you know a bunch of happy hookers that did it for fun timez.

I'd love to know your failsafe 'how to tell if a woman is being coerced' test OP?

And in any case, being physically coerced is not the only way in which women are pushed towards prostitution, as I'm sure you'd realise if you forced yourself to use your critical thinking skills (you won't, because you instinctively know you could no longer think of yourself as a Good Guy if you did.)

No 'choice' is made in a vacuum. A woman's options are constrained by the intrinsically patriarchal society in which she has been formed.

Just as a man can, within that same society, truly believe he's a decent person and that all these happy hookers are neither vulnerable or desperate.

Report this thread with the REDDIT link because MNHQ clearly think it's genuine.

So do I.

I love my husband dearly and would be devastated to hear this because paying for sex is absolutely disgusting. But that being said, you also said 'a few dozen' which would imply 35+ women that you'd slept with which is also pretty grim.

Can I ask how you would feel if she told you that she'd paid a few dozen men for sex?

Yeah, with a 'special sock' and a sticky keyboard.

I wonder how OP would have reacted if DW had said she'd slept with a few dozen men, or if she's said "I used to be a prostitute"?

What is happening with this thread? I reported to MNHQ, as I think lots of us have, and last time I checked it had been hidden whilst they had a look behind the scenes. Now it appears to be back.

How can a thread like this be allowed to stand on a predominantly female site, when the OP is here just to be antagonistic and goad women? It’s really not okay.

There's probably a PhD and MBE for someone whose developed a reliable, layman-usable test for trafficking.

^ this

Agreed.

Wonder if they are letting it stand because of it attracting traffic (us) which advertisers love.

It really should be banned under their "not in the spirit of MN" they do it often enough to regular posters.

It’s effectively sexual harassment.

Op, people on here are notoriously hysterical about sex work .

You've done nothing wrong and your wife is in the wrong for thinking your sexual past is any of her business. It isn't.

Gosh women can be so unreasonable about other women being sexually exploited

Ah I see the sex work bat signal has gone up and the punters and pimps have entered the chat. Doesn't change the fact that, as evidenced by this thread, most people find men that use prostitutes to be repulsive.

How do you know hes done nothing wrong? You know for a fact that none of the women were trafficked or pressured and therefore you can be sure he didnt rape them? How did you and OP achieve your psychic powers exactly? Or maybe you just think a bit of 'accidental' rape is no big deal, just like OP?

I don't doubt there are trafficked sex workers but the majority are doing it by choice.

So you don't t know, is the answer, but you think there's nothing wrong with men taking the risk of raping a trafficked women?

I went to a talk given by women who had worked/trafficked in legal brothels in Europe. I will not post what they said because I still have those images in my head. All were made to look happy as they were abused in ways you cannot even imagine...or maybe you can and partake in?

Source?

Bullshit.