Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Interfering, childless friends!!

112 replies

mum2toby · 15/01/2003 13:03

I don't know if anyone has the same problem, but I have many friends who do not have children, but seem to put it upon themselves to tell me how I should or shouldn't be doing stuff!!

Like quoting statistics about the dangers of having diamorphine during labour. How it can affect the way you bond with your baby. And how they "would NEVER have drugs during labour."

Or saying things like "Oh should you be feeding him baked beans, they are full of salt and I read that......" blah blah blah. My son is 19 mths old and a few baked beans once a week is not going to damage his kidneys!!!

Why do these women think they have the right or the knowledge to comment! Have they been through the agony of labour and child birth? Have
they been so sleep deprived that they could scream for hours!!

Have they ever had a toddler who won't eat??

They answer is NO! So keep your nose out I say!

I have at least 3 friends who are like this. If I hear once more that I should "just leave him to cry during the night" I will slap one of them. How do they know what it's like to just want a nights sleep??

Just wait until they have kids and we'll see how disciplined they are and how tidy their houses are and how much sleep they get!!

So a message to all the interfering women out there who have no children:

"STOP CRITICISING US PARENTS AND KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF UNTIL YOU HAVE THE EXPERIENCE TO COMMENT"

...aaah that's better.

OP posts:
Scatterbrain · 15/01/2003 13:07

Ahhhhhh - I know, I know I know !!!

Deep Breaths !!!!

Someone sent me a thing when I was pregnant and it said that before my baby was born I should tell all my friends who already had babies what to do, as that would be my last chance to be right about anything !! At the time it seemed ridiculous - but now - how true it is !!

Ho Hummmmm

Original poster
mum2toby · 15/01/2003 13:12

What a good idea!! I wish I'd thought of that!! The amount of childless people that have asked why I didn't continue to breast feed. I had to stop coz ds wasn't latching on properly and I had cracked nipples OUCH!
They act SO disapproving and say things like:
"Well I'm going to breastfeed no matter what" and "couldn't you have just put up with the pain?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

GIVE ME STRENGTH!

OP posts:
Tissy · 15/01/2003 13:19

Mum2toby, I know what you mean, but....

until fairly recently I was "childless friend" to several families with one or more children. Sometimes I struggled to find something in common with them to talk about; from early pregnancy onwards, many women can talk only of their bump, morning sickness, piles, nappies, possetting, sleep/ lack of it, weaning, potty training... the list goes on and on! Often, I would feel really "left out", and would consider dropping these friends for a while, until the child/ children ceased to be the focus of their lives. I do remember that I talked one of my friends into letting her mother come and stay with her immediately after her ds was born- she didn't think that looking after a new baby with a husband working full time, and no relatives nearby was going to be much of a problem. As it happened she ended up with a difficult delivery after a long labour and a bad bout of PND and was very grateful for the help and the "advice". Now I admit that at the time I had no idea what it was going to be like for her,but it did turn out that I was right!!

Maybe your "interfering childless friends" are only trying to be helpful, and to take an active interest in something that is an all-consuming part of your life. Perhaps you could accept the advice and quietly ignore it if you feel it's rubbish, for the sake of preserving your relationships with these people.

Sorry if I sound a little harsh, I don't mean to, but I can see the other side of the coin .

Tissy · 15/01/2003 13:28

And, perhaps some of those interfering women out there who have no children would dearly love to have children, but can't for whatever reason. Before dd,(long awaited) I often used to imagine how I would bring my hypothetical child up, needless to say- I haven't stuck to any of my plans- the person who invented dummies ought to be knighted!

Scatterbrain · 15/01/2003 13:30

Hmmmmmmm - I think the trouble is that before you have an actual live baby in your arms you don't have a clue what they're like ! Before I had my DD I suspect I was one of those annoying childless people - as I assumed they were all the same and that the same things worked for all of them !

Until you do it - you just don't get it - it's as simple as that !

Oh AND - when I was working I always thought staying home with a baby would be the easy option ! How wrong was I ??

GillW · 15/01/2003 13:57

Can I add to the list those parents with apparently perfect children who tell you that THEIRS never cried/wouldn't sleep/didn't eat/threw up/had tantrums/whatever. If I had a pound for every person who told me that my DS should have been in bed asleep by 7, when his natural inclination is to be a night owl and be at his liveliest in the evening .....

tomps · 15/01/2003 14:47

What is this 'should' thing ? Says who ? I want to shout back, but of course don't. If my baby should be sleeping through the night now, you should be being a better friend and supporting my decisions instead of critising my parenting. Similar to Tissy - would like to drop one or two childless friends until they become first time mums. How I shall laugh ! Thankyou for starting this thread.

gosh2 · 15/01/2003 15:31

I want to agree totally with mum2toby. Ooooooh I could just feel the anger rising as I read the thread.

Anyhow a childless friend of mine who wanted DH and I to go out with her and DH to a new restaurant a couple of months ago asked why I wanted to be home at midnight. I said because my day starts at 7 (if I am lucky) no matter what time I go to bed. And I said I wanted to get some sleep before the baby woke up for her feed in the night. She said "does she wake in the night then?" !!!!!!!!! Baby was 5 weeks old at this point. !!!!!!!!!

How much will I wet myself laughing when they have their children?! Should I remind her what she asked me at that 5 week knackering time?

bundle · 15/01/2003 15:32

ROFL gosh2! why not just ring her every time your babe wakes up in the night???

RosieT · 15/01/2003 15:40

Gosh, gosh2, I'm amazed you and your dh had the energy to go out with a 5-week old baby!! Hope you weren't too knackered to enjoy the evening!

clucks · 15/01/2003 15:45

Sadly, I find that childless friends always 'look' better, i.e. take better care of themselves and less shadows/bags etc. So, I try to avoid their company at all times so that my self-esteem doesn't plummet any further. Even when chatting on the phone, I am usually interrupted by a difficult poo (not mine, btw!) or the bloomin' tweenies at full volume and have to go off mid conversation. That usually stops them ringing you ever again. Give me fat mums anyday.

Scatterbrain · 15/01/2003 15:50

ROFL Clucks - and they always have more time, more money, more fun, more sleep, more holidays, more ornaments etc etc....

But - we, well we have the gorgeous darlings !!! Who's better off really ?

Bozza · 15/01/2003 15:53

Clucks I find myself running around the house with the telephone to avoid those distractions.

I remember a friend of mine asking why I let 10 month old DS sleep in the day when he was up so early in the morning. As in - don't give him a nap and he'll sleep until 8.30. If only it were so simple....

sobernow · 15/01/2003 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tillysmummy · 15/01/2003 16:20

When we entertain friends without children we start the subtle hints with the aperitifs about what a tiring night we probably have ahead and how early a start is in store. By the main course we have truly exhausted this but start to lament a full nights sleep and a start to the day after 7, by the dessert dh and I start the yawning, eye rubbing and sublte watch looking. By coffee I normally ask if they'd like one before they leave and by 10.30 if they haven't gone we ask them to switch the lights off before they leave ! Only joking we're not that antisocial and we do love seeing our friends but it is only our friends with children who truly understand the need for 'quality and compact' time and the desperate need for good sleep. They are the ones that rush off to get to bed themselves but our childless friends more often than not have to hinted at to leave as the night runs on.

WideWebWitch · 15/01/2003 16:27

Most of my childless friends and family do intend to have children so I just do a long loud cackle in my head and think Just You Wait when they start giving me parenting advice. At least, I think I keep it just in my head IKWYM about childless friends always looking better clucks, give me fat mums too anyday!

Tissy · 15/01/2003 16:42

I'm back again- this one seems to have struck a chord with me for some reason...

I've had more useless advice / unhelpful comments from the health visitor (who has 4 perfect angels)and friends/ relatives with children than from my childless friends.

We have all been childless/ clueless at one point, and I would rather have contact from my childless friends, even at inconvenient times, than not at all.

My line manager telephoned me at home at 9.00pm the other night just as I was getting into the bath. Dd had been up several times the night before and I was hoping to get to bed early to catch up. Dh handed me the phone in the bath and I lay there talking to him making splashing noises. That was his shortest phone call ever, and I'm pretty certain he won't bother me at home for quite a while!

I realise that this thread was supposed to be a light-hearted attempt to let off steam, but I do think that some of you are being a little hard on people you consider to be friends. There. Said my piece (again) I'll go now.

gosh2 · 15/01/2003 16:45

oh lighten up, there's no harm in what we were saying. Just a lit of fun

GeorginaA · 15/01/2003 16:48

Let them make the most of it ... after all it's the last time in your life that you ever know everything there is to know about parenting ...

clucks · 15/01/2003 17:21

If I remember that far back... when I was childless myself, I was too cool to know anyone with children, or to associate myself with mumsy types. so, had no real interest in giving advice on anything child-related. This is why, my world changed within hours and I had to beg people in hospital to show me how to change nappies. I can now do them up while juggling balls and have been known to tear off nappies with my teeth, when the tape gets glued on...

If only my moschino clad pals could see me then.

clucks · 15/01/2003 17:23

Hope that didn't sound too bridget jonesy, am actually very mumsy myself and currently v. round. Hate moschino anyway, so tacky.

susanmt · 15/01/2003 18:27

\My current pet hate is childless friends asking me when I am going to wean ds (11 months) from the breast. If I hear one more facile statement about how breastfeeding for 6 weeks/3months/6 months/a year is 'long enough' I think I will scream.

Essie · 15/01/2003 18:29

Man, it is very funny reading this thread and encouraging too! We recently had very good friends of ours (?!!) turn around and tell us they didn't think we were raising our kids correctly and should take them out more in the evenings and let them sleep on the floor or friends beds so that we had more of a social life our selves!!!Ha Ha Ha - actually was quite upset about it at the time - but hey - dh soon put them right when he told them that until they had kids of their own they had no right making comments like that! We have a 11 month and 23 month. They felt they were missing out on our time and should be more flexible with them! Don't mind taking them with once in a while with the travel cots etc - but not weekly!! Can't wait for them to have kids! Same couple told me last week (as 23 month was watching Thomas) how they had read about too much TV stunts mental growth - SOD OFF! Soon they will be grateful for the Tweenies and Thomas!

grommit · 15/01/2003 18:35

Tillysmummy - next time this happens I recommend my father's old favourite "Well, we must go to bed now and let you good people go home"

Lindy · 15/01/2003 19:07

I agree with Tissy's comments, and personally I crave communication from my childless friends, although being so old when I had my DS Ihaven't got that many! My real hate is the so-called 'professional' mothers, you know the type, who haven't any interest outside raising children and constantly lecture you on how you are bringing your child up, 'have you tried this?'; 'do you pureer or sieve' etc etc - one 'friend' told me she had a very useful book to lend me 'Toddler Taming' (thanks!). If you try & bring up another subject, current affairs, a book, film, the weather, anything ...... they just want to get back to talking about children!!