Wife says her feelings have gone but will not move out

[LuckyPeachTraybake]

Hello

I'm new here and trying to work out what is going on with my marriage and what, if I anything I can do to help it.

I'll try and explain as best I can sorry in advance if it gets waffley.

Me (40) and wife (35) have been together 15 years, two kids in school.

We've been really happy and most people would say we're great together, until a few years ago when a friend told me she'd been messaging another guy, but that it had stopped and that's all it was.

I went home and very calmly confronted her about it. She denied it at first but when I told her I'd seen the messages (I hadnt) she came clean and admitted it.

She seemed genuinely remorseful and there probably was some distance in our relationship I hadn't realised due to busy lives with kids etc.

I always had her down as a loyal person with good morals so this did shock me a bit but as far as I'm aware it wasn't much of an emotional affair, more her entertaining attention from this other guy and she broke it off before anything happened.

I forgave her anyway and it did bring us closer together for a bit.

About 8 months ago, her family found out about this and were incredibly disappointed in her, I told them I knew, it was ages ago and I'd forgiven her but she broke down and said she was very unhappy in the marriage.

We talked and she said she felt I was controlling and she felt suffocated. Since the messaging thing I probably was a bit which manifested in me asking where she was, where she was going, who she was messaging etc. I'd never stop her doing anything or going anywhere but maybe she had a point, so I owned that.

Historically I'd always been the organised one and the provider, she didn't pay for anything or sort bills etc and we seemed to work quite well that way with her working part time and being more hands on with the kids.

She recently got a new job that she sees as her career and said she wanted more financial independence and resented the fact that I controlled the finances and sorted everything for her. Ironically I resented her because I took on all the stress and paid for everything and didn't feel appreciated so now she's sorting her own things on her own and that seems to be working much better (for me at least) I'm now doing much more with the kids where I can (drop offs, clubs, pick ups etc) because I've got flexibility at work to do it now.

She said that her feelings changing started before the messaging thing when we moved house and I was working on extending it, and busy with work and she was pregnant with our youngest.

She told me that basically her romantic feelings for me are dead, but that she still loves me. She said its not a physical thing but it's that she feels she has a wall up.

We said we'd try to make it work and things seemed OK the next couple of months if a little awkward but Christmas time we had an argument and she told me she wants a divorce.

She said she feels a lot of pressure and that she feels responsible for my emotions and feelings and it's exhausting.

Her family got involved again as they don't want us to split up and said we should have a break (not seeing other people, just living apart for a month) which we did.

During the break I decided to focus on myself and try not to communicate with her and respect her space. I read a lot and tried to understand myself better.

Since then I've been carrying this on and I can see what she means about my emotions. I didn't do much that didn't involve work, her or the kids so my happiness was probably quite closely linked to hers.

Now I'm into running, see much more of my mates, have got back into my hobbies.

I'm also much better at identifying my emotions and processing them rather than reacting to my feelings so I'm generally pretty calm and steady and would say I'm happy outside the relationship, so in this respect the whole thing has been really good for me.

She on the other hand didn't really leave me alone during the break, text or called every day wanting to do know how I was, what I was doing etc.

We agreed to try after the break, slowly.

Since then nothings really improved, if anything it feels like we're becoming more distant.

Over the whole period she's lost a lot of weight (unintentionally that she didn't need to lose) has withdrawn from all her friends and family. The only thing she seems to be happy about is her job. Although it does seem to be a big stressor of hers because when she's off in the school holidays she seems happier.

She says she still has no feelings for me but I don't think this is true.

She still confides in me, I'm pretty sure I'm the only person she talks to about her problems etc (mainly her relationship with her mum who is very controlling and tbh not that nice or supportive towards her which is a huge issue of its own)

If I go out she wants to know who with, where etc and makes jokes about me having an affair or going out on dates (I'm not btw)

I sat her down a few weeks ago and said that I love her, I want to be with her but I also want to be with someone who wants me and I want to feel some sort of affection and desire, so that whilst I would wait, I wouldn't wait for ever unless I could see something changing.

She said she didn't think it would change so we agreed to separate.

There was a lot of crying etc but we talked about splitting up and how it would work, what to do with kids, house etc (I stay and buy her out, she would move out and rent)

We agreed a period of 2-3 months for her to move out and that we wouldn't tell people or see other people while we are living together.

Since then I've asked her once if she's looked at houses and it seemed to really upset her.

Things do feel a bit different now, like the pressure has lifted and we're getting on a bit better.

We still sleep in the same bed, still go on the odd day out and eat together etc but we're not having any physical contact at all.

She doesn't seem very keen to progress with separating at all.

During the conversation we had about separating she got very upset when I mentioned the future and us both having other partners, she suggested that I seem very eager to move on and that that isn't even on her radar and isn't even something she's thinking about. She seemed to get a bit upset/aggressive/accusations that ill be planning moving on quickly.

It's worth mentioning when we got together she was very insecure, she's not had a great childhood and has had a couple of shitty relationships before ours. We had a tough first few months because of this but after she realised I wasn't an asshole that would cheat on her or abandon her she seemed to relax a bit.

She doesn't like talking about feelings etc, she did one session of marriage counselling with me and won't do any more. She won't go to the doctor, or really listen to anyone, she's just dead set on following how she feels.

It might sounds like im trying to avoid admitting my failings as a husband but I can't help feel that there is something else going on with her, she doesn't seem herself. I suggested she should have her hormones tested which went down like a fart in a space suit as I'm sure you can imagine.

It feels a bit like an identity crisis, I'd describe a lot of her behaviour as a bit entitled.

I also think she's really struggling with the shame from the messaging thing and people knowing about it. It's like she's built this narrative that she's only done it because she's in such an awful marriage and everything is being screened through that so i cant seem to do right for doing wrong. I even mentioned this to her and she acknowledged she could be doing that without realising.

I don't think it's an affair, she doesn't seem to want time alone when I offer it and it's not like her attention seems elsewhere. I genuinely belive it's time on her own burying her head in the sand that she wants.

I came on here to try and get a woman's perspective (maybe someone here has gone through something similar).

I've told a couple of my close and trusted mates and their advice varied from "She sounds mental, you should just have an affair" to "just stay with her and ride it out for the kids"

At the moment I'm just sitting here and waiting. Doesn't feel like I can do much else and on the whole apart from missing affection or feeling desired I'm fairly happy and to be honest if it doesn't work, I'm ok with divorce too (at 40 I figure I have plenty of time to start my life over and I'd rather it happen now then when I'm 50), if anything I'm more worried about her as I think she will struggle more than me, as does her family who are pretty worried about how she'll cope.

It's very much a battle of trying for her and the kids and not compromising my own self respect too much. It's obviously incredibly difficult for her too and I'm not even sure if the kind thing is for me to leave and make the decision for her,

I feel like I've done that already but it doesnt seem to be what she really wants.

If it is an identity crisis of some sort then maybe just staying kind and waiting while she gets it out of her system is all I need to do but it's starting to feel increasingly like I'm wasting my life a bit.

I don't believe marriage is meant to be easy but I think because my parents divorced when I was 10 I don't really have much of a reference point to know how hard it's meant to get.

Sorry I've rambled but any advice would be appreciated :)

I went back and read all your comments again to see if I could discern what is going on with your wife, which is why you're posting here.

I'm actually wondering whether she was actively having an affair, perhaps with her bro's friend, or someone at work, and her family found out 8 months ago and she was forced to end it in exchange for her family not telling you.

I know you don't think it is an affair but there are many elements of The Script here:

• Your sense that she's verging on hysteria, her weepiness, her holding her head in her hands, her despair, your feeling that she is unraveling, your sense that "she doesn't seem herself". It's not uncommon for cheaters to thoroughly compartmentalise their cheating: they're getting their need for validation met by both their spouse and their affair partner and have managed to avoid the pain of knowing that they're doing a really shitty thing by creating an internal (often very screwy and delusional) narrative that justifies their cheating (e.g. "my cheating is actually good for our marriage"). But this narrative is busted wide open when someone discovers the cheating. All of a sudden, the cheater is flooded with (i) cognitive dissonance (the psychological pain when you do something that conflicts with your beliefs), (ii) the chilling fear of exposure and the consequences, and (iii) if they end it with the AP, the loss of a major source of the validation that the cheater craves (most cheating is because the cheater has an internal hole and tries to fill it with cheating). This flooding could lead to the type of emotional lability and odd behaviour that you are witnessing in your wife.

• The ILYBINILWY speech (I love you but I'm not in love with you): this is an absolute classic feature of The Script.

• The suddenness of her change in feelings for you: another classic feature. Often betrayed spouses can pinpoint exactly when the weird behaviour of cheating spouse started. It then turns out that that was when the cheater met the AP, or had started cheating, or had realised their cheating has been or is about to be discovered.

• Her paralysis: she wants both you and her AP, and can't decide what to do.

This affair theory casts a different light on some of the things you've said:

• "she feels she has a wall up": because she's been lying and now she's scared you'll find out about it.
• "she feels a lot of pressure": because her family knows and aren't letting her off the hook, and things could explode any moment.
• "she's lost a lot of weight": because of her heightened emotions, because she's terrified you're going to find out and/or she's grieving the AP (or rather, the loss of the validation she got from her AP).
• "makes jokes about me having an affair": also classic The Script - because cheaters are very prone to suspecting cheating in others.

She was also clearly searching for validation in the texting that you discovered 2 years ago, so has that cheater hallmark - need for validation.

Have you spoken to her family about the texting, or the more recent events? And who was the friend who told you she was messaging bro's friend? What did that friend say exactly?

It's still possible that her emotional paralysis is due to a psychological break caused by the confrontation with her family and not to cheating/being found out to be cheating. But the oddness of it all, and the The Script features, are striking.

I'm financially better off in the long run since starting work full-time and splitting childcare. I am about to buy my own place. I posted before that perhaps you need to experience some joyous moments together rather than just focus on repairing, divorcing or talking about the unhappy aspects, as focusing only on the unhappy moments kept us unhappy. The reality is I did love him and I think your wife loves you, but I didn't like him, as he wasn't showing me any appreciation for the person I am or the things I did (or even realising the extent of everything I did for our family). The romantic attraction disappeared when the dislike appeared. This may have been the case recently for your wife. Funnily enough he now has a much better idea of just how much I do and voices appreciation. I just don't want something you say because you're hurting to be a barrier for you and your wife ever reconsidering things. Once you've indicated to her that you would happily see her financially struggle, you can't take it back. It sounds like she is struggling and has told you why she's unhappy but has towed this line herself, not demanding a large financial payout or implying you have not provided to the extent you have.

This thought has crossed my mind many times.

If she is/was having an affair I'm pretty sure it'll be someone other than who she was messaging. He's a loud mouth and was boasting about it, that's how it got out. If something more happened I think he would have said. I think her story checks out with what my mates told me (that he was texting her for a bit his version was it sounded too complicated between me and my wife so he stopped, her version is she realised she'd crossed a line and called it off. Me and mates think her version is true). She did tell him we weren't getting on at the time, sleeping in separate beds etc (which wasn't true) but she said to me she did because of the shame of it to excuse herself for responding to him. She said that's when she called it off.

I can't see it being work because of the nature of her job (full on in a school full of violent kids, usually gets the shit kicked out of her and comes home very stressed) She doesn't work late as she picks the kids up, doesnt go in early and doesn't really have any unexplained absences. Not impossible but i think unlikely.

We've had so many raw conversations at the start of the whole thing that I honestly think if it was an affair she would have confessed. I could be wrong on this but I really think she would have.

Whenever I've offered her space she doesn't seem to take it, she seems to want space/ time with the kids without me over anything else.

Obviously we had a break for 4 weeks so she could have been up to something then, but she was with the kids for half of it and I can't imagine her contacting me as much as she did if she had someone else on the go.

I did dicuss the messaging and her behaviour with her mum and brother, at one point (just after they found out) we were convinced she was having an affair but this was just because there didn't seem to be any other rational explanation but none of us think this is the case now based on her behaviour. Its not to say shes never had one.

She is an insecure person, so does crave attention and I think that's what this messaging was.

Ultimately my gut says no and if I go down the road of assuming/trying to prove there is something going on and there isn't the marriage is toast anyway.

If we divorce and she's been having an affair it won't matter at that point anyway and me finding out will only make the process and co parenting afterwards more difficult.

I genuinely feel based on what I know about her, her family dynamic and history that it's something else going on with her.

We've ended up having quite a few deep conversations the last few days and I think she's starting to believe that might be the case too.

Good for you and congrats on the house.

We do have nice moments / time together and to me it feels natural but it doesnt seem to change anything. She said she won't let me take her out alone for fear of getting my hopes up (even just for a few hours doing something low pressure) so that's what I'm struggling with.

Most the time we still have a laugh together, seem to enjoy talking and generally get on really well. She still confides in me and talks to me about her problems and stuff going on in her life.

I'm probably the one holding back a bit in this respect and she has seemed a bit hurt by this when she's found out (positive) things going on in my life through others.

I think I have taken her for granted in the past and tbh I feel she has done with me too, so it is mutual. I'm definitely more appreciative and grateful of everything she does do now, she seems more appreciate of things I do too. Hopefully it isn't too late.

She knows I don't want her to struggle, if anything it feels (or did) like she's out to prove her independance / that she can manage on her own without any help from me.

"Ultimately my gut says no and if I go down the road of assuming/trying to prove there is something going on and there isn't the marriage is toast anyway."

I really don't want to push the cheating theory, but it's unfortunately extremely common that spouses (wives, usually) declare with complete certainty that their partner is not cheating and then a little digging and suspicion reveal the horrible truth. Cheaters are often very wily.

Out of gentle curiosity, what would "trying to prove there is something going on" look like to you? Asking her outright? Asking more probing questions of her friends and family? Or, in increasing invasiveness, checking her phone, putting a VAR in her car, getting a private investigator to follow her?

I personally think that asking her outright and doing a little quiet digging among her friends and family are reasonable in this setting (i.e. where you and your children will not be left financially destitute by the vagaries of her will - otherwise more invasive approaches might also be reasonable). It's not controlling in this setting, it's protecting yourself and your children and getting clarity for your future.

Or would you really just rather not know, and hope she comes back to you?

I've asked her outright. She denied.

Spoke to her family about a few things in the past, anything even slightly unusual has always been explained with a very credible story.

If I thought she was cheating I'd 100% rather know. I'm on the fence with divorce as it is TBH.

I feel if it gets to the point of checking phones in secret, spying on her etc it's done then anyway.

"I'm on the fence with divorce as it is TBH."

Do you mean you would divorce if you knew she was cheating?

100%.

Stop speaking with her family about her behaviour and her texting! This is between you and her. Dragging them all in hasn't been to her benefit or yours and has raised the stakes higher. Talk to your male friends or family or a counsellor. They are not caring for her well-being, and even if they were, they aren't able to care for her properly as a child or now. Don't gang up on her with her dysfunctional family!

This has gone out of her control and she's withdrawn completely as a consequence.

I would stop saying anything to them, if anyone asks say 'we are working on it just the two of us, I'm sure you will understand'.

Then allow time to pass. If you get on well together, joke and have a laugh, and still seem to love each other, then let your relationship build back up organically. Use the Bruce Mazik course I suggested, although I agree with the person who said if you can get her into therapy/counselling, then do that first. Use the course to improve how you interact and behave towards her.

If you do all that, and it still doesn't work, you know you have given it your best shot.

I haven't spoke to them about us for about 6/7 months now. This was not long after they found out and we were all trying to work out what was going on.

So in your OP you mention that you have been wrapped up in work, doing house renovations, you are doing more with the kids now only because you now have the flexibility (she had to work on her career only if it fit with yours and the kids, her was less important), she carries most of the mental load for the relationship and family - and now you are running with your friends.

I can relate to some of this as the wife. It does drain over time. Being a running widow is no fun either. Does she get to do the equivalent? It all sounds quite lonely and, from experience, it is. You might have been a good provider, but that doesn't necessarily meet emotional needs. I suspect your wife's emotional needs have been neglected for a long time. That reduces desire and connection fast.

I may be wrong, but that's what I got from your post. Either separate and divide the assets equally for the sake of the children and each other, or find a way to reconnect that isn't temporary.

"Stop speaking with her family about her behaviour and her texting!"

I think the key to the problem lies in when her family found out about the texting. That was 2 years after OP discovered it and it elicited a sudden massive change in Op's wife, to the point she said she no longer loved him romantically and wanted divorce. Up until then, OP said they were happy, even despite the text flirting.

I agree the family are part of the problem somewhere, but I'm wondering what really went on 8 months ago, so I've been questioning OP about it (i.e. he's not dwelling on it).

I'm wondering if she's been cheating, or her family attacking her about her texting 2 years has triggered some sort of breakdown, or both.

What do you think @Corvidsarethebest ?