Hello
I'm new here and trying to work out what is going on with my marriage and what, if I anything I can do to help it.
I'll try and explain as best I can sorry in advance if it gets waffley.
Me (40) and wife (35) have been together 15 years, two kids in school.
We've been really happy and most people would say we're great together, until a few years ago when a friend told me she'd been messaging another guy, but that it had stopped and that's all it was.
I went home and very calmly confronted her about it. She denied it at first but when I told her I'd seen the messages (I hadnt) she came clean and admitted it.
She seemed genuinely remorseful and there probably was some distance in our relationship I hadn't realised due to busy lives with kids etc.
I always had her down as a loyal person with good morals so this did shock me a bit but as far as I'm aware it wasn't much of an emotional affair, more her entertaining attention from this other guy and she broke it off before anything happened.
I forgave her anyway and it did bring us closer together for a bit.
About 8 months ago, her family found out about this and were incredibly disappointed in her, I told them I knew, it was ages ago and I'd forgiven her but she broke down and said she was very unhappy in the marriage.
We talked and she said she felt I was controlling and she felt suffocated. Since the messaging thing I probably was a bit which manifested in me asking where she was, where she was going, who she was messaging etc. I'd never stop her doing anything or going anywhere but maybe she had a point, so I owned that.
Historically I'd always been the organised one and the provider, she didn't pay for anything or sort bills etc and we seemed to work quite well that way with her working part time and being more hands on with the kids.
She recently got a new job that she sees as her career and said she wanted more financial independence and resented the fact that I controlled the finances and sorted everything for her. Ironically I resented her because I took on all the stress and paid for everything and didn't feel appreciated so now she's sorting her own things on her own and that seems to be working much better (for me at least) I'm now doing much more with the kids where I can (drop offs, clubs, pick ups etc) because I've got flexibility at work to do it now.
She said that her feelings changing started before the messaging thing when we moved house and I was working on extending it, and busy with work and she was pregnant with our youngest.
She told me that basically her romantic feelings for me are dead, but that she still loves me. She said its not a physical thing but it's that she feels she has a wall up.
We said we'd try to make it work and things seemed OK the next couple of months if a little awkward but Christmas time we had an argument and she told me she wants a divorce.
She said she feels a lot of pressure and that she feels responsible for my emotions and feelings and it's exhausting.
Her family got involved again as they don't want us to split up and said we should have a break (not seeing other people, just living apart for a month) which we did.
During the break I decided to focus on myself and try not to communicate with her and respect her space. I read a lot and tried to understand myself better.
Since then I've been carrying this on and I can see what she means about my emotions. I didn't do much that didn't involve work, her or the kids so my happiness was probably quite closely linked to hers.
Now I'm into running, see much more of my mates, have got back into my hobbies.
I'm also much better at identifying my emotions and processing them rather than reacting to my feelings so I'm generally pretty calm and steady and would say I'm happy outside the relationship, so in this respect the whole thing has been really good for me.
She on the other hand didn't really leave me alone during the break, text or called every day wanting to do know how I was, what I was doing etc.
We agreed to try after the break, slowly.
Since then nothings really improved, if anything it feels like we're becoming more distant.
Over the whole period she's lost a lot of weight (unintentionally that she didn't need to lose) has withdrawn from all her friends and family. The only thing she seems to be happy about is her job. Although it does seem to be a big stressor of hers because when she's off in the school holidays she seems happier.
She says she still has no feelings for me but I don't think this is true.
She still confides in me, I'm pretty sure I'm the only person she talks to about her problems etc (mainly her relationship with her mum who is very controlling and tbh not that nice or supportive towards her which is a huge issue of its own)
If I go out she wants to know who with, where etc and makes jokes about me having an affair or going out on dates (I'm not btw)
I sat her down a few weeks ago and said that I love her, I want to be with her but I also want to be with someone who wants me and I want to feel some sort of affection and desire, so that whilst I would wait, I wouldn't wait for ever unless I could see something changing.
She said she didn't think it would change so we agreed to separate.
There was a lot of crying etc but we talked about splitting up and how it would work, what to do with kids, house etc (I stay and buy her out, she would move out and rent)
We agreed a period of 2-3 months for her to move out and that we wouldn't tell people or see other people while we are living together.
Since then I've asked her once if she's looked at houses and it seemed to really upset her.
Things do feel a bit different now, like the pressure has lifted and we're getting on a bit better.
We still sleep in the same bed, still go on the odd day out and eat together etc but we're not having any physical contact at all.
She doesn't seem very keen to progress with separating at all.
During the conversation we had about separating she got very upset when I mentioned the future and us both having other partners, she suggested that I seem very eager to move on and that that isn't even on her radar and isn't even something she's thinking about. She seemed to get a bit upset/aggressive/accusations that ill be planning moving on quickly.
It's worth mentioning when we got together she was very insecure, she's not had a great childhood and has had a couple of shitty relationships before ours. We had a tough first few months because of this but after she realised I wasn't an asshole that would cheat on her or abandon her she seemed to relax a bit.
She doesn't like talking about feelings etc, she did one session of marriage counselling with me and won't do any more. She won't go to the doctor, or really listen to anyone, she's just dead set on following how she feels.
It might sounds like im trying to avoid admitting my failings as a husband but I can't help feel that there is something else going on with her, she doesn't seem herself. I suggested she should have her hormones tested which went down like a fart in a space suit as I'm sure you can imagine.
It feels a bit like an identity crisis, I'd describe a lot of her behaviour as a bit entitled.
I also think she's really struggling with the shame from the messaging thing and people knowing about it. It's like she's built this narrative that she's only done it because she's in such an awful marriage and everything is being screened through that so i cant seem to do right for doing wrong. I even mentioned this to her and she acknowledged she could be doing that without realising.
I don't think it's an affair, she doesn't seem to want time alone when I offer it and it's not like her attention seems elsewhere. I genuinely belive it's time on her own burying her head in the sand that she wants.
I came on here to try and get a woman's perspective (maybe someone here has gone through something similar).
I've told a couple of my close and trusted mates and their advice varied from "She sounds mental, you should just have an affair" to "just stay with her and ride it out for the kids"
At the moment I'm just sitting here and waiting. Doesn't feel like I can do much else and on the whole apart from missing affection or feeling desired I'm fairly happy and to be honest if it doesn't work, I'm ok with divorce too (at 40 I figure I have plenty of time to start my life over and I'd rather it happen now then when I'm 50), if anything I'm more worried about her as I think she will struggle more than me, as does her family who are pretty worried about how she'll cope.
It's very much a battle of trying for her and the kids and not compromising my own self respect too much. It's obviously incredibly difficult for her too and I'm not even sure if the kind thing is for me to leave and make the decision for her,
I feel like I've done that already but it doesnt seem to be what she really wants.
If it is an identity crisis of some sort then maybe just staying kind and waiting while she gets it out of her system is all I need to do but it's starting to feel increasingly like I'm wasting my life a bit.
I don't believe marriage is meant to be easy but I think because my parents divorced when I was 10 I don't really have much of a reference point to know how hard it's meant to get.
Sorry I've rambled but any advice would be appreciated :)