Wife says her feelings have gone but will not move out

[LuckyPeachTraybake]

Hello

I'm new here and trying to work out what is going on with my marriage and what, if I anything I can do to help it.

I'll try and explain as best I can sorry in advance if it gets waffley.

Me (40) and wife (35) have been together 15 years, two kids in school.

We've been really happy and most people would say we're great together, until a few years ago when a friend told me she'd been messaging another guy, but that it had stopped and that's all it was.

I went home and very calmly confronted her about it. She denied it at first but when I told her I'd seen the messages (I hadnt) she came clean and admitted it.

She seemed genuinely remorseful and there probably was some distance in our relationship I hadn't realised due to busy lives with kids etc.

I always had her down as a loyal person with good morals so this did shock me a bit but as far as I'm aware it wasn't much of an emotional affair, more her entertaining attention from this other guy and she broke it off before anything happened.

I forgave her anyway and it did bring us closer together for a bit.

About 8 months ago, her family found out about this and were incredibly disappointed in her, I told them I knew, it was ages ago and I'd forgiven her but she broke down and said she was very unhappy in the marriage.

We talked and she said she felt I was controlling and she felt suffocated. Since the messaging thing I probably was a bit which manifested in me asking where she was, where she was going, who she was messaging etc. I'd never stop her doing anything or going anywhere but maybe she had a point, so I owned that.

Historically I'd always been the organised one and the provider, she didn't pay for anything or sort bills etc and we seemed to work quite well that way with her working part time and being more hands on with the kids.

She recently got a new job that she sees as her career and said she wanted more financial independence and resented the fact that I controlled the finances and sorted everything for her. Ironically I resented her because I took on all the stress and paid for everything and didn't feel appreciated so now she's sorting her own things on her own and that seems to be working much better (for me at least) I'm now doing much more with the kids where I can (drop offs, clubs, pick ups etc) because I've got flexibility at work to do it now.

She said that her feelings changing started before the messaging thing when we moved house and I was working on extending it, and busy with work and she was pregnant with our youngest.

She told me that basically her romantic feelings for me are dead, but that she still loves me. She said its not a physical thing but it's that she feels she has a wall up.

We said we'd try to make it work and things seemed OK the next couple of months if a little awkward but Christmas time we had an argument and she told me she wants a divorce.

She said she feels a lot of pressure and that she feels responsible for my emotions and feelings and it's exhausting.

Her family got involved again as they don't want us to split up and said we should have a break (not seeing other people, just living apart for a month) which we did.

During the break I decided to focus on myself and try not to communicate with her and respect her space. I read a lot and tried to understand myself better.

Since then I've been carrying this on and I can see what she means about my emotions. I didn't do much that didn't involve work, her or the kids so my happiness was probably quite closely linked to hers.

Now I'm into running, see much more of my mates, have got back into my hobbies.

I'm also much better at identifying my emotions and processing them rather than reacting to my feelings so I'm generally pretty calm and steady and would say I'm happy outside the relationship, so in this respect the whole thing has been really good for me.

She on the other hand didn't really leave me alone during the break, text or called every day wanting to do know how I was, what I was doing etc.

We agreed to try after the break, slowly.

Since then nothings really improved, if anything it feels like we're becoming more distant.

Over the whole period she's lost a lot of weight (unintentionally that she didn't need to lose) has withdrawn from all her friends and family. The only thing she seems to be happy about is her job. Although it does seem to be a big stressor of hers because when she's off in the school holidays she seems happier.

She says she still has no feelings for me but I don't think this is true.

She still confides in me, I'm pretty sure I'm the only person she talks to about her problems etc (mainly her relationship with her mum who is very controlling and tbh not that nice or supportive towards her which is a huge issue of its own)

If I go out she wants to know who with, where etc and makes jokes about me having an affair or going out on dates (I'm not btw)

I sat her down a few weeks ago and said that I love her, I want to be with her but I also want to be with someone who wants me and I want to feel some sort of affection and desire, so that whilst I would wait, I wouldn't wait for ever unless I could see something changing.

She said she didn't think it would change so we agreed to separate.

There was a lot of crying etc but we talked about splitting up and how it would work, what to do with kids, house etc (I stay and buy her out, she would move out and rent)

We agreed a period of 2-3 months for her to move out and that we wouldn't tell people or see other people while we are living together.

Since then I've asked her once if she's looked at houses and it seemed to really upset her.

Things do feel a bit different now, like the pressure has lifted and we're getting on a bit better.

We still sleep in the same bed, still go on the odd day out and eat together etc but we're not having any physical contact at all.

She doesn't seem very keen to progress with separating at all.

During the conversation we had about separating she got very upset when I mentioned the future and us both having other partners, she suggested that I seem very eager to move on and that that isn't even on her radar and isn't even something she's thinking about. She seemed to get a bit upset/aggressive/accusations that ill be planning moving on quickly.

It's worth mentioning when we got together she was very insecure, she's not had a great childhood and has had a couple of shitty relationships before ours. We had a tough first few months because of this but after she realised I wasn't an asshole that would cheat on her or abandon her she seemed to relax a bit.

She doesn't like talking about feelings etc, she did one session of marriage counselling with me and won't do any more. She won't go to the doctor, or really listen to anyone, she's just dead set on following how she feels.

It might sounds like im trying to avoid admitting my failings as a husband but I can't help feel that there is something else going on with her, she doesn't seem herself. I suggested she should have her hormones tested which went down like a fart in a space suit as I'm sure you can imagine.

It feels a bit like an identity crisis, I'd describe a lot of her behaviour as a bit entitled.

I also think she's really struggling with the shame from the messaging thing and people knowing about it. It's like she's built this narrative that she's only done it because she's in such an awful marriage and everything is being screened through that so i cant seem to do right for doing wrong. I even mentioned this to her and she acknowledged she could be doing that without realising.

I don't think it's an affair, she doesn't seem to want time alone when I offer it and it's not like her attention seems elsewhere. I genuinely belive it's time on her own burying her head in the sand that she wants.

I came on here to try and get a woman's perspective (maybe someone here has gone through something similar).

I've told a couple of my close and trusted mates and their advice varied from "She sounds mental, you should just have an affair" to "just stay with her and ride it out for the kids"

At the moment I'm just sitting here and waiting. Doesn't feel like I can do much else and on the whole apart from missing affection or feeling desired I'm fairly happy and to be honest if it doesn't work, I'm ok with divorce too (at 40 I figure I have plenty of time to start my life over and I'd rather it happen now then when I'm 50), if anything I'm more worried about her as I think she will struggle more than me, as does her family who are pretty worried about how she'll cope.

It's very much a battle of trying for her and the kids and not compromising my own self respect too much. It's obviously incredibly difficult for her too and I'm not even sure if the kind thing is for me to leave and make the decision for her,

I feel like I've done that already but it doesnt seem to be what she really wants.

If it is an identity crisis of some sort then maybe just staying kind and waiting while she gets it out of her system is all I need to do but it's starting to feel increasingly like I'm wasting my life a bit.

I don't believe marriage is meant to be easy but I think because my parents divorced when I was 10 I don't really have much of a reference point to know how hard it's meant to get.

Sorry I've rambled but any advice would be appreciated :)

I think the source of it all is her controlling cruel mother. She needs to cut loose emotionally (and go no/low contact) from her and get therapy so she can form her own identity and make her own decisions. She is obviously too heavily influenced by what her mum tells her. Who doesn’t seem to have her best interests at heart.

You said you guys were essentially fine until her family found out about the texts. Then it sounds like she invented a whole story about your marriage just to make herself not the bad guy to her mother. She cares too much what her mother thinks. God knows what is being said between them behind your back.

It’s called enmeshment and it’s very unhealthy and bad news for partners. If she’s not willing to distance herself from her mother there is no hope.

She got caught having an affair and tried to attribute blame to you.

She has closed off the romantic relationship and agreed to move out. She's dragging her heels now because it suits her.

Having been unfaithful herself and setting out the fact she no longer had any interest in a relationship with you, she is acting affronted that you might find someone else in the future to once again paint herself and the victim and you as the bad guy.

She's not your friend, she doesn't care about you, she will use you to suit her own agenda.

Start divorce proceedings, get you affairs in order before this so she can't hide or destroy anything you might need to really on, and accept that the house may need to be sold if she digs in and gets nasty (she will) but it's a damn sight better than being stuck in a loveless limbo

I don't want her to move out, I don't want to break up with her but I'm not happy in this current situation.

In your opening post you said:
At the moment I'm just sitting here and waiting. Doesn't feel like I can do much else and on the whole apart from missing affection or feeling desired I'm fairly happy and to be honest if it doesn't work, I'm ok with divorce too

So which is it?

She doesn't fancy you any more. You want sex. You can't make her change.
This is not fixable.

So take action. End the relationship for good ASAP, get the divorce done, then go and have sex elsewhere.

This is really tough, OP. Obviously we're only hearing your side of the story but it really sounds to me like the problems may be outside your marriage (as a previous poster has said - her controlling mother and perhaps she felt a bit lost as an SAHM - it's not for everyone) but she has decided that the problem is you. I think it's significant that when you were on your break and you were focussing a bit more on yourself she was suddenly more interested in you as a person. I think she takes you and your support entirely for granted - as you may also have done slightly with her but, from what you've told us, you've also been willing to work at the relationship.

When you're going through the daily grind of parenting, housework, earning money, paying bills etc - particularly when your children are small - it's easy to lose sight of the couple relationship. I have limited patience with this "I love you but I'm not in love with you" talk once people have chosen to bring children into the picture; I think it's immature. Life is not all moonlight and roses. In fact, I'm a big fan of the romance of the mundane. I think it's amazing that DH and I have been going through the daily grind together for 25+ years and can still make each other laugh, find things to talk about, enjoy each other's company, find each other interesting. For me, that is true romance - not passing attraction to others who are shiny and new and with whom you're not going through the daily grind (which naturally happens - why else would we have a wedding vow to forsake all others?). Sure, DH and I get irritated with each other from time to time but I know I would get irritated from time to time with any partner I had been with for 25+ years but I'm not at all sure that I would have been as happy with another partner for 25+ years.

Love is an action and a decision. There may be something hormonal going on but overall I think she is choosing to let her mind and heart drift away from you rather than do a bit of work on the relationship. This all reminds me very much of a friend of ours whose wife dismantled their marriage in a very similar way and very much against his wishes but he was unable to persuade her away from doing so. A decade later, he is very happily married to another woman; the last I heard (admittedly some time ago) his ex-wife was still single and bitterly regretted what she had done.

I think you need to drop the rope. You're fully entitled to move on when your partner is behaving the way she is. Move into a different bedroom. Start separating your lives. Pursue your interests and hobbies to the extent you can without it impacting on parenting and work. Let her feel the reality of a life without you if this is what she wants so badly. Probably better not to start dating yet - that's probably a step too far right now and would give her grounds for reproach against you; as well as potentially dragging a third party into a very emotionally volatile situation. You may need to continue to live together until your house is sold or one of you has bought out the other but it seems she only truly wakes up when she starts to feel your absence. It may be that she will then agree to marriage counselling and it may be that you can retrieve the relationship but, if not, these are practical steps you will need to take as part of your separation in any case.

Grim

Time to move on. Don’t waste any more time on each other.

Here's my take.

She was texting someone, and people dont tend to do this for no reason. It doesn't sound like the reason was falling in love. Doesn't sound like the reason was wanting a divorce. So I'm going to guess that she was chasing after feelings of being desired, romance etc.

Your posts come across really detached. Like you dont care if you get divorced or not. Like you're planning to replace her.

I definitely do not want to imply you're to blame as you're not, but I'm wondering if your wife feels the antipathy that comes off the page here?

If I told my husband I wanted a divorce he'd be absolutely inconsolable. Are you passionately in love with your wife?

I feel a bit like maybe a loss of connection I'd the root of all this. I can't speak for all women by any means, but my husband keeps the romance alive more or less daily- we laugh, kiss, he's desperately interested in me still.

Do you think you've drifted apart a bit?

You don't get to keep your savings or the deposit on the house unless your ex allows it. You are married. She was part time working while raising children and this benefited you and your career.

The starting point in a divorce is 50/50 of everything including property, savings and pensions, businesses. Etc with few exceptions.

She may even get more if it is judged that her career break was to her detriment or her income is considerably lower then yours.

It may seem unfair, she was not faithful, she didn't bring in the money, she is the one who is deciding to leave. But this is the reality. None of those things make a difference in the division if assets legally. Only current assets and future earning capacity.

The best thing to do is to press ahead with devorce while she still feels a sense of loyalty, she may not press for more then 50/50 but beware that a judge may not allow an unfair decision of assets so asking for more then 50% may not be worth the legal costs for you.

Good luck op. Go and make a life for yourself.

Also. You are seperated. If you want to find someone else you can. It won't be an affair. You aren't with her anymore!!!

Saying that, be discrete. Pissing off the ex isn't a good strategy for an amicable divorce however unreasonable she is being.

Thank you for that, your view on marriage sounds similar to mine.

I do believe it's meant to be hard at times which is why I haven't gone yet and want to understand what's going on and if it can be fixed, or if its something internal with her and I just need to be supportive and wait.

Appreciate I also sound a bit cold in posts etc. I have been pretty distraught about the whole thing but as I said I've learned to handle my emotions a bit better (because me being a blubbering mess and begging and pleading for her isn't going to help anything) plus after 8 months I probably have started to detach (as would most people I imagine)

I believe feelings can change though, and that after 15 years effort is needed to facilitate that (I also think I've worked on everything I can alone, but any other suggestions I'm all ears)

What brought up the separation is when I asked if she wanted to go out with me for the day and have some fun while the kids were away at grand parents and she said she didn't want to because she didn't want to get my hopes up.

At that point I suggested it because I can't see what hope we have of getting back on track; however since that point things do seem to have improved a bit between us, albeit very gradually.

She sounds depressed . You sound very pragmatic and like you’ve already moved on emotionally.

From what I understand pre matrimonial assets are taken into consideration, which in this case would be over half what her equity would be.

She's said she's happy with what's discussed because we've agreed it's best for the kids if they can stay in the house (which can't afford to / doesn't want to anyway)

If this changes and she wants more than we've agreed I can deal with it then.

Its probably also worth relaying that despite whatever is going on with us, both of us have the kids interests at heart and we do still care for each other.

Tldr.

Thank you for your valuable contribution. Anything other forum posts you didn't read that you want to bring to our attention?

She is being badly advised regarding the finances and your current arrangement is taking advantage of that.

Your wife sounds deeply unhappy and being married to you isn’t making her happier. She is having very normal feelings about you moving on- some fear and some jealousy which makes sense and is perfectly normal.

Your comment regarding your testicles is pretty disgusting. Once you’re separated your free to do whatever you like sexually of course but your comment about that suggests there has been pressure on her to be intimate and nothing lowers female sex drive like pressure to have sex. It just becomes another thing to tick off the list: do the meal plan, buy the kids more socks, reply to that birthday invite, fuck my husband. It doesn’t increase desire or sex drive. What usually does is exactly what you’ve done- me building a life away from their wives and developing friendships and others who they can confide in and lean on and having new things to talk about and explore. That can really help ignite desire as often men end up only having social lives due to their wives organising couple friends or meeting husband of the wives friends. Having your own life is very important. Sadly for you that hasn’t made a difference.

i think your wife actually sounds very depressed.

The courts start from 50/50 with the idea being no party should be worse off but this can be adjusted up or down based on her and your earning potential, years she was a SAHM enabling you to progress in your career etc. Your current proposal does not favour your wife at all. You remain living in the property increasing equity with your asset and pension and savings and she rents a property…

It's a long marriage with two children. Generally you can't keep premarital assets if you end up with a house and the ex will be forced to live in a worse situation unable to house the children.

Have your pre marriage assets been legally ringfenced? If not they will end up in the pot. The deposit on the house will certainly. If the finances were kept in a separate account or property in your name only then maybe. But you invested in the marital property so that money is now joint unless ringfenced.

If ex agrees on an uneven split then good for you, but she will need legal advice who will likely tell her to go for more. The judge will question a split that puts her at a disadvantage especially as she may be in a weaker position financially in terms of future earnings.

I'm warming you to be prepared for a fight and that she will likely be due more then you hope for so there's little point in spending thousands fighting if it happens.

I'm guessing that she is just afraid of taking that final step and move out of a comfort zone.

You deserve to know where you stand. Is she changing her mind and wants to give the marriage another go? If not she must stand by the arrangement you have made and move out.

Agree with PPs and start proceedings, offer her help and support in finding somewhere else to live. But you cannot carry on in this strange limbo. If it's the right thing, then you will both feel better. Neither of you can plan for your future if it's not clear who is doing what and where.

This is a fantastic response and I agree with everything you have said.

The fact that OP felt it was appropriate to make a comment about his testicles is pretty revealing. It certainly makes it easier to read between the lines of his posts.

Comments all fair enough.

Re: divorce and money etc. It is what it is and will work it's way out if it ends up that way. I wasn't looking to get financial or legal advice on here.

Was more focused on trying to understand what she might be going through to make an informed decision as to what to do.

Was just a joke didn't mean to cause any offense :)

It sounds very difficult but pretty simple and straightforward at the same time.

Things have changed and it is time to divorce. Hopefully it will all happen as quickly as it can.

You both need good legal advice and take things from there.

I’m not offended. I’m simply astonished that you think anyone here wants to listen to a description of your testicles because your wife doesn’t want to sleep with you.

Unless you protected your deposit, your starting point will be 50-50 in a long marriage, which yours is. So you definitely need to ensure she is getting what she is entitled to. You could have protected a deposit but have clearly chosen not to, and your wife has paid less for mortgage etc over the years as she’s done the bulk of the childcare. I think you need to do a bit more research in divorce as a judge is going to look at each parties ability to house themselves, plus pensions. If you have a much larger pension, you may agree to take less equity. Ultimately, it’s unfair you suggesting she takes a lesser share as you paid more deposit, when you’re in a 50-50 mortgage. Please don’t screw her over.

Ultimately, her attraction for you has clearly gone but she is probably stalling as she’s worried about the future. Best thing you can do for your kids is ensure your split is fair and they can live a decent standard of life in both homes.

My brother went through something similar OP. His ex wife ended things and was interested in someone else, then that didn't work out, I don't think she wanted him back exactly but she didn't want to move out either. They did eventually sort out the finances and get divorced but it took ages.

What do you mean you have a friend that suggested you have an affair? Bro get rid of that nutter from your life for a start.

Tbh it sounds to me like she was thinking to cheat again and it hasn’t worked out and that’s why she now wants to stay. But it’s impossible to know. Maybe she just has cold feet. Perhaps thinking about how much extra parenting she will have to do as a single parent.

You need to take the bull by the horns and tell her she has 2 months to find a place and move out or you’ll be putting the house on the market so you can both move. And mean it. She doesn’t get to yoyo like this if you don’t let her.

How is she supposed to move out when she hasn't received her share of the house yet?

You need to get a valuation and agree how much you need to give her to buy out her share which is usually half when you are married. You then need to raise that cash and transfer it to her so that she can purchase a house of her own.

Regarding savings, pensions, value of chattels etc. these would all be marital assets so you need to take those into account too. You do need legal advice because this would have to be drawn up legally in a settlement agreement.