I want to tell man's wife of affair, how do I build the evidence?

[Somersettler]

My best friend (F47) has been having an affair with a married man (M51) for 7 years. He has ruined her life while she has waited for him to leave his wife. My friend has neglected her family and friends in favour of him, and has never been interested in any other serious relationships with other men because of him. She's lonely, and turned to drink to ease her unhappiness. I think she's been unhappy for years because of him.

He has been stringing her along with excuses as to why now is not the right time to leave his wife, says he will eventually, says his relationship with his wife is dead. All the usual stuff. Every 6 months or so she would find the strength to try to end the relationship. Usually when he broke her heart letting her down, not being there for her, or generally treating her like the bit on the side that she has always been. But every time she's tried to get rid of him, he has come crawling back with gifts, and nights away and has always managed to keep her hooked on him. I hate him for what he's doing to her.

Tragically my friend has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My grief and sadness has turned to anger at how he's made her so unhappy for so long. He won't be there for her when she needs him, he's not going to be holding her hand when she's going through treatment.

I want revenge. I won't do anything to upset my friend but if my friend doesn't make it, I absolutely intend to tell his wife. He's got away with it for far too long, and he's taking the piss out of his poor wife. He doesn't get to go back to normal when my friend passes away. I want to destroy him.

The problem is I don't have any proof of their affair. If I tell his wife, he can lie his, way out of it.

So I need to start gathering evidence. What proof do I need and how do I gather it?

You can't predict what the wife will do if you tell her.

If it becomes very public many other people who knew your friend could find out and it may colour their views of her, and she won"t be around to defend her point of view. You now from the thread responses that lots of us don't see her as an innocent victim for 7 years.

If your friend wanted the wife to know she would have told her. You should respect your friends wishes while she is living as well as after she passes. Her soul needs peace and you should keep her trust and respect her wishes in life and death.

Imagine the impact on her kids while they are grieving. You should be there for them not plotting revenge.

Your friend probably has plenty of evidence but has chosen not to tell his wife (probably because of the fall out). Do you know the history of how she met him in the first place? Was she in a bad marriage, lonely or entering menopause? It sounds like she’s in love with this man (who is an absolute evil piece of 💩 to screw around two women like this). I am so sorry about your friend’s diagnosis, I lost one of my best friends to cancer last year, but she needs your support in other ways right now.

The man is an absolute POS and has probably strung her along (and she fell for it) for years. And, yes, he will be free to do it again to another gullible woman further down the line. He deserves to be found out but I’d think very carefully about the fall out. I don’t entirely blame your friend, like others have, as some men can be experts at this sort of thing but she did cross the line.

Harsh but to be fair, your point is correct. The friend is the AP, the OP is framed very sympathetically but it was a choice. It’s sad that she’s got cancer now and may be discarded by this man… but I don’t know if revenge is the answer.

The best thing you can do is just help her through this difficult time rather than dwelling on him.

I presume she is unmarried. If so perhaps suggests she enters into a civil partnership with someone (male or female) if she has a spouse's pension.

A male friend of mine confided in me that his wife had an affair on him and he had been devastated. He was still reeling from all this (and had plans to move home) when he was diagnosed with incurable brain cancer. He died 18 months later, her by his side. And noone knew, except me.

His family comforted her and everyone and the poor wife.

I thought I was going to explode. The feeling died down after a few weeks using logic not emotions. If he had wanted people to know, he'd have done that. If he'd have wanted to leave her, he would have. I just live with knowing this. And I know she knows I know, and that's enough. Shitty person.

If anything the wife deserves to know- if I was the wife I would want to know
My Long-Term ex. My daughter's father was seeing someone behind my back and she told me, I was very relieved so I could kick this man out of my bed and my life, had an STI check and I was grateful of the knowledge so I could move on. I'm now engaged to a wonderful man and happy for the first time in a long time
If anything it would stop your friend from suffering anymore, She chose to carry on with a married man but often they spin lies to women like this.

Why do you assume his wife doesn’t know. He’s likely treated her terribly too. Some women just accept it

Despite what everyone is saying, his wife deserves to know. He's ruining her life too when she could be with someone who picks only her. Your friend, I hate to sat it due to her condition is horrible and has chosen this for herself she literally is a "homewrecker" and should have picked a man that isn't married she knew what she was signing up for. Even though she's a piece of .... dying and dealing with the wife is too much so wait until she's gone. I suggest sending yourself screenshots of messages etc from her phone beforehand and any pics etc. However, I do hope that she doesn't die, she gets better and sees sense and leaves him and tells the wife herself.

I completely disagree with most responses. Tell the wife!
Not as a form of revenge, but because she deserves to know that she is married to a POS. If I was his wife, child, family member, I’d want you to tell me so that I could live in reality.

I’m very sorry to read about your friend OP, I truly am xx

If I was the wife I would 100% want to know. Im sure everyone saying to keep out of it would want to know if their husband had been having an affair for the last 7 years. If your friend doesn't make it he will most likely look for his next "victim". I would start asking when are you seeing him next and write down the dates, see if they have any pics together. Also with how my brain works he'd be getting mentioned in a eulogy, there would also be some sort of floral tribute from him to her.

Would your friend want you to do this after she has died?

the main person you would be upsetting is the wife, not him. The wife doesn’t deserve to be hurt.

i understand your feelings and hope the anger phase of your grief passes soon x

Stay out of it, no-one will thank you. Your friends has chosen to have an affair with a married man, neglect her other reactions hips and generally screw her life up. Just be there to pick up the pieces when it all comes crashing down.

OP I would do exactly the same - support her to the nth degree to the end and then do everything in my power to ruin his life.

Could you afford a PI?

You sound vile. Just concentrate on supporting your friend while you can and keep your beak out of her business. She has chosen to keep shagging another woman's husband so why aren't you turning your bile on her?

Revenge really won’t make you feel better. She chose this relationship so she’s responsible for that, not you. She could have told his wife before now if she’d wanted to. You should keep out and concentrate on supporting her because he won’t. If you ever see him again you can let rip but don’t go interfering or divert your energy to him because she needs you now.

Do not do this, OP. This man's life is nothing to do with you.
Just love and support your friend. That's it.

I think if it's cervical/uterine/throat cancer you need to send an anonymous message with little detail just so wife gets tested for HPV (example: Juan Peron infected both of his wives who died very quickly from a very runaway strain). If it's another kind of cancer, leave it be.

This doesn't sound like a happy relationship for anyone but the man here. I understand that you want to do something but put your energies into supporting her through her cancer treatment and be a good friend. Don't get involved in her other relationships as only more stress and grief will come of it.

It won't necessarily help his wife.
She may already know.
She may not want to know.
How dare you play God with other people's lives?

I as a woman don't understand how a man could be happy with such an arrangement, but that's me. Surely the lies etc weigh on ones conscience

It'll be denied, the demented ramblings of a mad, drunk dying woman's mad, drunk friend. He was 'just trying to help a mad drunk, dying woman and it's all been taken out of context'.

Its very tempting when we're faced with a situation we have no control over to divert our energies to another peripheral 'project', as it makes us feel we are doing something to help. However, unlike running marathons for cancer research or similar, your project is not something that's going to help your friend, even indirectly, and could cause her a great deal of misery and anxiety.
Presumably she doesn't want revenge and she certainly won't need any fall out from her AP or his wife at this stage in her life.
If I were you I'd focus on supporting her in the way she wants you to rather than diverting your attention to gathering evidence, which can only be done by being intrusive to her or betraying her trust.
When the time comes that you don't have to consider your friends feelings, then you can review and do what you feel you need to. Until then, your friend is still here and entitled to be the mistress of her own ship, tell her story or not as she sees fit. You need to respect that.

Good. Do it.

Absolute minimum his wife deserves to know about the many possible diseases he's given her.

He and his wife may have an open marriage . Many married couples do . Could be wife can't provide him with sex for medical reasons or they both have affairs.You don't know and could be creating mischief for nothing .
Stay out of it and concentrate on your friend .