I want to tell man's wife of affair, how do I build the evidence?

[Somersettler]

My best friend (F47) has been having an affair with a married man (M51) for 7 years. He has ruined her life while she has waited for him to leave his wife. My friend has neglected her family and friends in favour of him, and has never been interested in any other serious relationships with other men because of him. She's lonely, and turned to drink to ease her unhappiness. I think she's been unhappy for years because of him.

He has been stringing her along with excuses as to why now is not the right time to leave his wife, says he will eventually, says his relationship with his wife is dead. All the usual stuff. Every 6 months or so she would find the strength to try to end the relationship. Usually when he broke her heart letting her down, not being there for her, or generally treating her like the bit on the side that she has always been. But every time she's tried to get rid of him, he has come crawling back with gifts, and nights away and has always managed to keep her hooked on him. I hate him for what he's doing to her.

Tragically my friend has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My grief and sadness has turned to anger at how he's made her so unhappy for so long. He won't be there for her when she needs him, he's not going to be holding her hand when she's going through treatment.

I want revenge. I won't do anything to upset my friend but if my friend doesn't make it, I absolutely intend to tell his wife. He's got away with it for far too long, and he's taking the piss out of his poor wife. He doesn't get to go back to normal when my friend passes away. I want to destroy him.

The problem is I don't have any proof of their affair. If I tell his wife, he can lie his, way out of it.

So I need to start gathering evidence. What proof do I need and how do I gather it?

What if you build all this evidence. Go chapping on her door and shentellsvypj yo piss of and mind your own
Shevmay well know. She may well not care.

Very sorry that your friend is dying.

I am almost always in the ‘tell the partner’ camp, as I think it’s better for people to have access to information of relevance to them.

But to inform a stranger after your friend’s death seems risky: for example it could be difficult for you to do it in a factual way given your strong emotions about your friend and the main. And your actions could have negative repercussions for you or (more importantly) your deceased friend’s DC.

you don’t know her and are a bystander.

Ignorance is often bliss. Maybe she knows or suspects and would prefer to ignore for an easy life. You can’t be sure it will help the wife.

As someone who’s friend told her and gathered evidence ….. DONT DO IT

It might or might not be news to or help the wife - Uncertain. I think information is almost always a good thing.

Hard to know how the couple’s DC could be affected - uncertain. Any resulting negative impact on them would be due to their father’s actions.

It’d likely be bad for the man - good.

It’d be against your friend’s wishes - not good.

It could lead to unpleasantness for your friend’s DC, and any other family, at an already difficult time - not good.

Don’t tell his wife. Tell him you intend to though- when ‘the time is right’. That’ll make the cheating bastard squirm.

Your friend was not a good person in this scenario though, so make him suffer for his wife’s sake- not hers.

Exactly! If your friend had wanted to tell his wife she could have/would have. I am truly sorry for what she is going through, but I have even more sympathy for the wife and children who's lives she has potentially helped to destroyed in the process. Now you want to jump in and do it on her behalf. The time to intervene was during the past 7 years, when you should have told your friend a few home truths, that her behaviour (and his) was disgusting, selfish and shameful. She's sadly in a mess of her own making. Support her, get counselling for your grief but telling his wife is not going to make you feel any better, and if your friend finds out what you've done and your friendship is destroyed and you can't be there for her when she'll need you most, as a result, you will feel ten times worst than you do now.

I mean if you really want to build evidence, it’s pretty easy. You just record a conversation with your friend. That’s not really a morally good thing to do though as it’d be without her knowledge. Presumably you have messages about this issue over time anyway?

Anyway. Your friend was quite well aware that she was seeing a married man. Whilst he is undeniably a total shit bag, outing him to his wife won’t make your friend’s cancer go away. So I don’t really see the point from your pov. It won’t help you, it won’t help your friend. You’ll just be taking a shot at this man/his wife. Yes he deserves it, there’s no way of knowing whether she does or their kids if they have any.

walk away - no good will
come of this. Your friend needs positive energy, not you causing a drama.

? funeral invitation, suitably addressed.

Your very understandable anger and grief at her diagnosis and the shit treatment he's given her over the years is what's making you want to do this. But your friend has free will and chose to live this miserable life. You've nothing to gain really by telling the wife that you couldn't gain by putting the wind up him by telling him that you have evidence and will be telling his wife 'any day now'. Let him stew on that.

Agree with most posters who have said your friend has ruined her own life, wasted her own time, and broken her own heart.

However, I would want to know if I was the wife so to answer your question. There isn't much you can do but you could try:

• do you have any pictures of the 2 of them together? If she doesn't ever send you any, you could send them to yourself from her phone if you keep an eye out for the opportunity.
• likewise with screenshots of messages between them. I have plenty of ss between my BFF and her dates.
• keep a log of a sort of timeline. Have they been away together for any weekends etc? If you know the dates and locations of these then you can give a list and let her piece together other info which is available to her and not you. I.e. if he said he was in X place for work but actually in Y place with your friend, the wife could find proof on credit card statements or looking on his booking.com account. The kind of thing you wouldn't necessarily notice as a wife unless you went specifically looking.
• do they socialise together as a couple? If so, share info on any of those occasions. List of all the things you know about the husband that you wouldn't know of he wasn't shagging your mate.

You haven't thought this during the last 7 years.

You really need to make this less about you and your feelings and come to terms with the fact that your friend isn't a very nice person.

Why don’t you hate your friend? I get you hating him but equally she knows he’s married yet continued to be with him. It’s non of your business so keep out of it, you’ve stood by for 7 years and not said a word and definitely didn’t care about the real victim in this his wife so don’t pretend you care now. You’re upset and angry about your friends diagnosis which is understandable but your in the wrong making this about your feelings

Keep your sticky beak out.

Your friend is just as bad as the man she’s involved with.

I think you're getting a really hard time on this thread, OP.

You're full of grief and rage at the unfairness of potentially losing your friend to cancer, right now. This man hasn't caused this. All that frustration and exasperation from years of watching your friend make poor choices for herself is bubbling over and going in the wrong direction. He hasn't forced her into a 7 year affair, she chose it willingly. It's sad that she's wasted that time on him, but nothing can undo that.

Don't insert yourself into a situation that doesn't involve you. You have no idea what the wife knows or doesn't know, and you can't predict the damage you might do to her. He's an arsehole, but he's not worthy of such strong emotions from you.

With the best intentions stay out of it and put your energy into supporting your friend. No good will come from you outing him. Hate him with everything you had, scream abuse at him in your car and curse the day he was born. Whatever makes you feel better but telling his wife will do nothing for this situation except make things 10000% worse

I'm so sorry about your friend. I would also want revenge. I'd tell the wife as many details as I knew, in person. Fucking prick.

She has chosen this life op, she chose him, he’s not done anything to her, she bears personal responsibility. I’m really hoping this is just shock and grief as it’s utterly bonkers.

He didn’t make your friend neglect her family and friends, she chose to. He didn’t make her hang on for him, she chose to, he didn’t make her drink too much, she chose to. He didn’t make her feel lonely, she chose to. He didn’t stop her having other relationships, she chose not to. Your anger is misdirected, you are starting to grieve and feeling angry, but he didn’t cause the cancer and telling anyone will not improve the situation. Will it really make you feel better to upend his wife’s life?

“LatteLady · Today 11:58
NOT your show and NOT your monkeys. You did not decide to have an affair with a married man, your friend did. Frankly, your role at the moment is to support your friend, wreaking revenge that is not asked for, is not your role in this situation, focus on your friend and stay out of her other affairs.”

This. I’m very sorry for you, your friend and her diagnosis. That’s devastating. Your friend chose this, though. She chose to continue in a relationship with a married man. She participated in being the reason why another woman was being deceived, betrayed, cheated on. The person you will hurt is the man’s wife. If you minded this much, you should have informed his wife years ago.

Perhaps at some level you’re actually very angry with your friend? I think that would be quite natural. You’ve watched her waste 7 years with an unavailable man, making foolish and bad decisions and allowing her life to be made smaller and poorer. Now you’re having to grieve not just the possible loss of her but her waste of the previous 7 years of a life which may turn out to be rather short. But you can’t express that anger at her so it’s all directed at her affair partner. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. It’s very painful and difficult.

You want to destroy his life and see him pay - well, what if it doesn’t happen? What if they remain together, and you end up watching them continue on as usual?

Because it’s not at all out of the realms of possibility that they won’t split. You won’t be in the position to see what level of discord it has or hasn’t resulted in, privately. What happens then, for you? If your all your channeled rage and grief comes to absolutely nothing?

Rather than destroying him, I think you run a greater risk of destroying yourself.

Totally agree with this.

Why didn't you tell the wife when you first found out about the affair? It's hypocrisy to say you care about the wife now when it was in your power to let her know when you first found out about the affair

I'm sorry your friend is so ill but she knowingly had sex on a long term basis with a man she knew to be married. She presumably didnt care about his wife and I think that says lot about the type of person she is.

If it was about helping the wife, she would have been told years ago. It is clearly not a it that/