Remember my SIL who said my baby would die...?

[Tinkerisdead]

The one you all said is a toxic poisonous witch and to avoid, avoid, avoid, ignore ignore ignore....

well, she has left a message for my DH saying that she would like to come round at the weekend for a "chat". On the message she is really gushy and upbeat not solomn and apologetic.

Now i assume she is coming round to apologise, but I also know her and I know that she will come to explain why she said what she did.. (me and my baby will die, that DH and I dont love each other, that we only care about money, our hoouse and our wallpaper and that we made our wedding shit for her!)

Now im feeling really trapped, im glad she is coming to my house so im on my own turf, but im 19 weeks pregnant, she gets me riled just on her messages alone. I know shes coming round to give her version. Im not interested in her reasons and i dont want a big discussion but i also dont want to be the one to say all this.

Im feeling really stressed by it, i just want to avoid her but DH wants to hear her out. DH will cave in, he already told her "no problem" at the time and i want him to explain that we accept her apology but her rationale is not wanted or accepted. If DH caves in, then im left to put our point across and i cant face the stress or the inevitable argument...and if i dont, its another case of "oh thats just SIL she always says stuff like this" so i feel like this is our one chance to tell her its not on. I just know its gonna fall to me.

If i wasnt pregnant i'd go beserk at her but when i can feel myself getting angry and upset and my heart racing, i feel sick for the effect on my poor baby in there!

what would you do? I cant say dont come round as then it will get around the in-laws that i refused to build bridges. i feel cornered and bullied by her and if i dont make a stand, its gonna continue....

sorry I don't know the background
could you precis or link to a thread please?
sorry it sounds very stressful

.....i dont know what to say apart from if she starts again...turf her out of your house.....cheeky B**ch!

Sounds like she is jealous cos you two got a good relationship...so whats her problem???

Do your in-laws know exactly what she said, and if so, do they condone it?

If your DH is willing to let her say these things and not stand up for you, your child and your relationship then you have deeper problems than just your poisonous SIL in my opinion. I think you need to tell him that if he capitulates to mollify SIL and the rest of his family, then he is saying that that they are more important to him than his immediate family - you and his baby.

Franny i dont now how to link basically three weeks ago at a wedding, my SIL announces at the table that im a selfish bitch for having a home birth, that me and baby will die, that its obvious me and DH dont love each other as we dont say it in public. we've just had our house decorated which she hasnt seen and she says we only care about our F*ing wallpaper and not our baby. neither DH or I reacted we just got up and left.

since then DH has told all family he wants nothing to do with her unless we get an apology and we missed nieces 1st birthday(although we sent presents) now she wants to come and have a "chat"....

i cant face it, i really cant....but i have to dont i?

DH has told everyone he is furious and that he has no sister... she did call initially but said sorry i said all that stuff i didnt mean... he said "thanks for that, no problem, but then said he would think about it and discuss it at a later time.

i love him because he is so placid but i also need him to fight our corner this time. my in laws all know but everyone just says "oh thats just how she is, ignore her" well thats not how it is in my family or in my circles!!

She has made the first move.
She is wanting to build bridges, (and by the sounds of it , she finds this difficult)
Be gracious, be dignified, and build bridges.
Family are usually all odd, but they are family.
Good luck

I think you need to sit down with your DH in advance of the visit and discuss what you want to happen. He really should be supporting you, not trying to appease someone so hurtful. I'd be really clear with him about what an acceptable outcome is.

i think if you have to be present you need to tell your dh beforehand that whilst you are willing to listen to her any sign of bitchiness or nastiness he will have to ask her to leave.

you should fone her and leave her a message saying whilst xxx my dh, will always welcome you into our home i do not expect you to visit us with a hostile attitude, as it our home we will expect courtesy.

when she visits be cool.

or make tea and coffee and pee in them .....

Go out.
Let your DH deal with her.
I agree with TheProvincialLady - your DH should have stood up for you at the time.

Just because this awful woman want to come round for 'a chat' doesn't mean you have to listen to her.

Don't let her stress you out.

What the in-laws think is no more important than your own well being.

Stand up for yourself in all this, (by refusing to put yourself through a confrontation with her) and insist your DH does too (by meeting with her and putting her in her place) - or SIL will continue to walk all over you.

Good luck with everything, and don't let this rude and hurtful person spoil your pregnancy.

I'd avoid her if I was you, it's not fun when you have poisonous members of the family. Leave dh to "chat" to her and go out. Go and see a friend and have a nice day. I think it's awful when you have to be pleasant to these toxic people for family's sake, I disagree and treat them like an ex-friend. Ok so it makes it difficult for other often innocent members of the family, but at least you all know where you stand.
You sound nice, try not to be seduced by her promises of niceties, most people don't change and in 1week/month/ year you'll be back at square 1.
sorry that's a bit of a judgey, what you should do post, I guess that's clouded by my own bitter experience.

My friend had a similar situation to this with her DH and SIL. The siblings were really close, so it was hard for him to ever see her in the wrong. SIL eventually calmed down when she married herself and had kids of her own. I think Darrell is right. Allow her to build bridges if she offers. You could take the opportunity to say that you think birth choices and how you raise your baby are yours and your DH business and that in future, if she doesn't have something positive to add, that you'd rather she didn't say anything at all - just so that you can avoid falling out again.

x post bn

hmmm thats great advice...especially about the pee!!

i think i cant see the wood from the trees at the moment, talking to DH is good. I did have a really big chat to him last night but im conscious that he feels stuck in the middle. He can of course maintain whatever relationship he wants with his sister, but the key here is that i dont have to.

some fab advice. thank you.

If you do decide to stay and meet her with DH, and if she does anything other than immediately offer a full and frank apology, a little tip: don't say anything. Give her a steady stare and don't say a word, don't react to any of her shit, don't get involved in arguing/justifying/explaining at all. Just let her ramble on while you fix her with a calm, cool gaze. She will eventually tie herself in knots trying to justify or explain herself, at which point you can raise your eyebrows sceptically and give her a slightly pitying look.

IME people who are having a go at you with no justification really hate this Also it stops you getting drawn into a stressful and upsetting argument, and gives you time to think about what you really want to say.

But I agree, you and your DH absolutely need to present a united front in this situation. Sit down with him beforehand and discuss it all, agree what your stance will be and how important it is to stick with it.

Good luck!

I wouldn't let her in my house, and I wouldn't speak to her ever again. If your dh is not behind you 100% then he can feck off as well. If the in-laws get funny, they too can sod off.

Cor blimey, what a cow.

Could you call her when you know she is unavailable and leave a message saying 'thanks for wanting to come round for a chat. I am pg and I want low stress for my baby. Last time we met, you really stressed me out and I don't want a repeat of it. I am sure you will understand. blah blah, if you want to come around, its my house and baby and I wont have you here if we get a repeat performance.' or something like that.

Or maybe write an email or note?

What a cow - people do or dont get home births, you are not putting your baby in danger.

Stay calm. And tell your DH to stand up for you. He has to.

She sounds very jealous of you. Did she have a bad hospital birth experience herself and is angry that you are 'getting what she didn't have?', or is she just ignorant about home births and obviously mean and spitefull to boot
I agree with posters who are saying go out and leave DH to sort it out, but I would also either print out to home birth stats or have some websites up on the computer for your DH to show her so you can inform her a bit about how stupid and inniacurate her comment actually was.

what cyteen said..but do let us know how it goes

lol at windygales beverage suggestion...

anyone for tea???

erm if its all right by you wg.. I'll stick to water thanks

And if none of that works, give me her address and me and my so solid gangsta crew will pay her a visit, pow pow pow, blam!!!

She had pre-eclampsia and so had to be induced so there could be concerns in that respect. It seems like she had an issue with that and then launched into our relationship etc, i wouldnt mind if it was MIL as she sees us every week but SIL has only seen us 3 times since december and not visited our home at all. it's all completely unfounded.

I think i'm gonna have to let DH deal with it as i get myself so worked up even thinking about her. This is just another thing in a long line which seems to stem from her not enjoying our wedding and then doing everything she could to sabotage the day including trying to tip a drink down my dress.... there are deffo unresolved issues but i dont want to play counsellor to her at all. i want to live my life with my DH and my baby!

PMSL at AlexSoSolid comment...god thats cheered me up...

you married dh not that nutter