Remember my SIL who said my baby would die...?

[Tinkerisdead]

The one you all said is a toxic poisonous witch and to avoid, avoid, avoid, ignore ignore ignore....

well, she has left a message for my DH saying that she would like to come round at the weekend for a "chat". On the message she is really gushy and upbeat not solomn and apologetic.

Now i assume she is coming round to apologise, but I also know her and I know that she will come to explain why she said what she did.. (me and my baby will die, that DH and I dont love each other, that we only care about money, our hoouse and our wallpaper and that we made our wedding shit for her!)

Now im feeling really trapped, im glad she is coming to my house so im on my own turf, but im 19 weeks pregnant, she gets me riled just on her messages alone. I know shes coming round to give her version. Im not interested in her reasons and i dont want a big discussion but i also dont want to be the one to say all this.

Im feeling really stressed by it, i just want to avoid her but DH wants to hear her out. DH will cave in, he already told her "no problem" at the time and i want him to explain that we accept her apology but her rationale is not wanted or accepted. If DH caves in, then im left to put our point across and i cant face the stress or the inevitable argument...and if i dont, its another case of "oh thats just SIL she always says stuff like this" so i feel like this is our one chance to tell her its not on. I just know its gonna fall to me.

If i wasnt pregnant i'd go beserk at her but when i can feel myself getting angry and upset and my heart racing, i feel sick for the effect on my poor baby in there!

what would you do? I cant say dont come round as then it will get around the in-laws that i refused to build bridges. i feel cornered and bullied by her and if i dont make a stand, its gonna continue....

[Tinkerisdead]

Vodka and orange. LOL i have to laugh, this sounds like a soap opera! and i still have the dilemma as to whether to actually face her!

[CarGirl]

she really does soung like she has chronic mental health issues and if she won't admint/be open about them then it is an impossible situation all around.

[Tinkerisdead]

she never ever discusses her personal life, her best friend is also a friend of DH and she says in 15 years, she has never once confided a problem to her friend.

[Twiglett]

I think you need to find a way to regain control of this tbh

What ultimate outcome would you like? that you can be civil to each other and not loathe the sight of her seems to be a good start to me

So I'd write her a letter (from both of you)

expressing how and why you were hurt, how it was the final in a long list

that you appreciate her coming to clear the air but you don't want any explanation just an apology and an agreement that she will try harder in return you will try to forget and forgive

outline that this is why you are happy for her to visit you in your home but if she doesn't feel that she's ready for this step then possibly she might want to wait until she is.

then the quiet and still response to her

and practice a magnaminous thank you and a good smile as DH ushers them out

[CarGirl]

I really don't know what I'd do but your DH needs to make it clear to her that her behaviour is not acceptable on any level.

I suppose she would be off my future invite list!

[Twiglett]

you need to extremely carefully craft this letter so that she can't hold it up and say 'look what she wrote'

it needs to sound that you are genuinely hurt and upset by her previous actions, that you are willing to forgive and forget for the sake of the family

[lackaDAISYcal]

I think she has real ishoos that need professional help DW

[posieflump]

I agree and think her family are facilitating those issues by looking after her daughter for half the week

[CarGirl]

I think Twiglett has suggested a good way forward.

[Tinkerisdead]

Twig, Thats exactly how i feel. Im upset but i just want to be civil and get on with things as these are my only support network since i moved here. Im quite isolated and this is my new social network arggghhhhh thank god im pregnant and i can at least visit NCT or something!!

DH at golf but when he gets in think we're gonna have to work out what we both want from this..

[lackaDAISYcal]

Good advice from Twiglett there

I hope you can get a place where things aren't stressful for you DW.

[lackaDAISYcal]

Once you've had the baby and are socialising with other mums you'll make heaps of new friends. NCT postnatal groups are very good for this I've found.

[Heated]

How confident are you of a)dealing with her b) dh's firm and full support?

If neither of you verbally can cut her off at the knees then imo be quick to agree that at the first word of unpleasantness you both tell her to leave. Otherwise you are not going to be there.

Given her own 'mothering' of her young child, your SIL clearly has ishoos but you are not her whipping boy for her to vent her poisonous bile at. Stay silent (Cyteen's right about how a level gaze and an uncomfortable silence is empowering) and if she starts, tell her if she can't say anything nice then she's to get out.

[cosima]

let her come round and listen to her on the basis that she's ridiculous, then say fine, let her out and get on with your day. 'shoo fly, stop bothering me'

[LIZS]

She soundn as if she has all sorts of hang ups which you aren't going to be able to resolve.

tbh the one concession to her you could make is that you now understand how it may have come across as insensitive and less than accommodating at your wedding as regards her baby. Presumably that was fairly recent and feelings are still raw on all sides.

Her more recent comments and attitude are not so easily forgiveable and I wonder if her birth experience, particulalry a sense of lack of control and probably fear, is colouring her opinions. If needs be let dh deal with her in the first instance and if she seems genuinely conciliatory then get involved or write as Twiglett suggest.

[smartiejake]

Christ almighty- how old is this woman?

12?

The stuff about the wedding is insane. It's perfectly reasonable to ask mums to remove crying babies during a service or speeches. Guests want to hear the vows and speeches. Even if she disagreed with your wishes it's simply not her place to make a fuss. Your wedding, your choice.

She can't forgive you for ruining your wedding for her? Has she any idea that she ruined what should have been the happiest day of your life and your honeymoon. This behaviour is reprehensible.

I hope she is offering a full apology with no reservations. I'm not sure I would accept anything less.

[FrannyandZooey]

well I wouldn't have anything more to do with her after that little lot, but it's up to you if you can be a bigger person and make some form of truce

[Ate]

Wow, agree with FandZ, I wouldn't have anything to do with her.

She poured a drink over you while you were holding a baby? That is absolutely disgusting behaviour in my book!

I'd also agree that she appears to have mental helath issues. Pandering to her ways really wont help her or anyone around her. Continual acceptance (or avoidance of confrontation) will become permissive in her eyes.

[Lovesdogsandcats]

Anyone who says that about your baby doesn't deserve the time of day. If it were me, I'd be on the phone telling her she is not welcome, and sod what dh thinks. let him meet her out of the house if he must, but I wouldn't allow her in the house!

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[ivykaty44]

Just tell her that it is not acceptable behaviour to talk and say things of this nature and that you will forgive her on this occasion but it is never to happen again otherwise there will be serious implications for her.

Say it as if you are talking to a 14 year old with a stern and firm face.

Then say let us end this matter and that be the end of it and we can all move on.

Take control of the situation and put an end to this silly girls tantrum.

[Tinkerisdead]

Exactly pruners i have no friends or family here, i moved here to be with DH. I LOVE my other in laws they are so welcoming but my SIL is just spite personified.

My DH hasnt contacted her to arrange a time or anything yet and I think I'm more and more inclined to be out. I think my absence may speak volumes. I trust my Dh to put our point across and if it isnt resolved then i could write the letter as Twiglett suggested. I hate this.

[ivykaty44]

I think your absence will speak volumes - your scared of her.

Face her head on and get this sorted so it doesn't keep happening - other wise the silly bint will keep thinking she can do this type of thing and then just explain herself to her brother.

She will probably be glad your not there as it gives her a chance to muck rack with you out the way - sorry but the way you describe her she seems a bit odd.

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[Tinkerisdead]

DH agrees we should face her and get it resolved. i'll face her!! To be honest she twists things so much im better to be there actually... arrghhh i just cant believe im having to deal with this.

Not sure about mentally ill Pruners, ive relayed most of her "antics" on this post but she conducts herself rationally and comprehensively etc. she doesnt seem unable to cope, she is quite self assured and confident. i think she sees it that she is always right, the time spent with her child is based on the fact that having time as a couple is vital. Everything she does seems to be very considered with a full explaination. Thats why i just know her "chat" is to come round and explain exactly why she said what she did.