Remember my SIL who said my baby would die...?

[Tinkerisdead]

The one you all said is a toxic poisonous witch and to avoid, avoid, avoid, ignore ignore ignore....

well, she has left a message for my DH saying that she would like to come round at the weekend for a "chat". On the message she is really gushy and upbeat not solomn and apologetic.

Now i assume she is coming round to apologise, but I also know her and I know that she will come to explain why she said what she did.. (me and my baby will die, that DH and I dont love each other, that we only care about money, our hoouse and our wallpaper and that we made our wedding shit for her!)

Now im feeling really trapped, im glad she is coming to my house so im on my own turf, but im 19 weeks pregnant, she gets me riled just on her messages alone. I know shes coming round to give her version. Im not interested in her reasons and i dont want a big discussion but i also dont want to be the one to say all this.

Im feeling really stressed by it, i just want to avoid her but DH wants to hear her out. DH will cave in, he already told her "no problem" at the time and i want him to explain that we accept her apology but her rationale is not wanted or accepted. If DH caves in, then im left to put our point across and i cant face the stress or the inevitable argument...and if i dont, its another case of "oh thats just SIL she always says stuff like this" so i feel like this is our one chance to tell her its not on. I just know its gonna fall to me.

If i wasnt pregnant i'd go beserk at her but when i can feel myself getting angry and upset and my heart racing, i feel sick for the effect on my poor baby in there!

what would you do? I cant say dont come round as then it will get around the in-laws that i refused to build bridges. i feel cornered and bullied by her and if i dont make a stand, its gonna continue....

[AngelDoll]

DW, I think it quite important that a) you are there for the meeting and b) that you stay there.

Sounds like she is pathologically jealous of you and your relationship with DH. The wedding behaviour was all about creating negativity, to help prove to her and those around that if the wedding wasn't a good one (all in her mind) then your marriage must be doomed also. Your SIL was also trying to prove her own importance and create a centre-stage role with all the fuss over the baby etc, because it was a way of drawing everyone's (in particular your DH's) attention to her and away from you!

I expect she is outraged that not only is your marriage strong, you are now pg. She may feel your are not only taking her place in DH's affections, you are taking her DC's place in the family as golden GC.

Quite possibly she would have liked a HB herself given the opportunity, but didn't get one, hence "another" thing you have "taken" from her (how very dare you). It's a fact that some people really do believe their own lies.

There really is not a lot you can do about her as it's illogical behaviour. You just have to keep your own focus and enjoy being pg. She is struggling with herself but don't get dragged down with her.

[dizzydixies]

if nothing else she gives pictures of HERSELF as presents FFS -

don't you DARE walk out, show her the farking door and how to use it but only one way as she's no longer welcome

[Tess321]

Please let us know what happens. My tip is to set aside time in the day to think about every scenario she could possibly present you with and then rehurse in your head how you are going to respond and what you are going to say. BUT make sure the time you allow yourself to do this is limited i.e 'from 5-7pm I am going to think about the SIL situation and after 7pm I am not going to think about it anymore'. I hope this will prevent you from staying awake at night gnashing your teeth about some madwoman who isnt worth your time.

Wishing you luck.

[cyteen]

It's more than untoward! You definitely both need to put your feet down Agree with dittany but suggest that instead of you walking out, you calmly but firmly put her out. You shouldn't have to leave your own house to get away from her and her weirdness.

[Tinkerisdead]

Actually i feel quite empowered by all the support and encouragement from here so definatly ready to front it out! Good to know that im not being unreasonable and her behaviour is untoward.

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[Tinkerisdead]

Thats her, come to my house and observe!!!
It has to be seen to be believed. i will of course let you know what happens...If it doesnt happen tomorrow it'll def be by the end of the week as its DH birthday. She always gives him pictures of herself as presents!

[FrannyandZooey]

you are quite right about all that Pruni, BUT - I wouldn't care
anyone who announces my baby is going to die, while I am pg -

~poof~

[ivykaty44]

So if you know her chat is to come round and exlain what she did and why she did it - stop her from being able to continue this bizar behaviour stop her in her tracks - now at this stage in the family whilst you are young.

Tell her it is not acceptable behaviour you are not conserned why she did it it must stop now, end of.

Be confident, self assured and lay down the rules for a happy family No more talking about babies going to heaven or stuff of that nature.

Then turn the conversation to the fact her dc will be cousin to your dc and isn't that going to be lovely (smile sickly) and move on move on.

Basicly she has put her size blardy 10's in it and wants to come up smelling sweet - well no not really it you dont let her let her scully away with her tail not heared... She will get the message then.

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[Tinkerisdead]

DH agrees we should face her and get it resolved. i'll face her!! To be honest she twists things so much im better to be there actually... arrghhh i just cant believe im having to deal with this.

Not sure about mentally ill Pruners, ive relayed most of her "antics" on this post but she conducts herself rationally and comprehensively etc. she doesnt seem unable to cope, she is quite self assured and confident. i think she sees it that she is always right, the time spent with her child is based on the fact that having time as a couple is vital. Everything she does seems to be very considered with a full explaination. Thats why i just know her "chat" is to come round and explain exactly why she said what she did.

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[ivykaty44]

I think your absence will speak volumes - your scared of her.

Face her head on and get this sorted so it doesn't keep happening - other wise the silly bint will keep thinking she can do this type of thing and then just explain herself to her brother.

She will probably be glad your not there as it gives her a chance to muck rack with you out the way - sorry but the way you describe her she seems a bit odd.

[Tinkerisdead]

Exactly pruners i have no friends or family here, i moved here to be with DH. I LOVE my other in laws they are so welcoming but my SIL is just spite personified.

My DH hasnt contacted her to arrange a time or anything yet and I think I'm more and more inclined to be out. I think my absence may speak volumes. I trust my Dh to put our point across and if it isnt resolved then i could write the letter as Twiglett suggested. I hate this.

[ivykaty44]

Just tell her that it is not acceptable behaviour to talk and say things of this nature and that you will forgive her on this occasion but it is never to happen again otherwise there will be serious implications for her.

Say it as if you are talking to a 14 year old with a stern and firm face.

Then say let us end this matter and that be the end of it and we can all move on.

Take control of the situation and put an end to this silly girls tantrum.

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[Lovesdogsandcats]

Anyone who says that about your baby doesn't deserve the time of day. If it were me, I'd be on the phone telling her she is not welcome, and sod what dh thinks. let him meet her out of the house if he must, but I wouldn't allow her in the house!

[Ate]

Wow, agree with FandZ, I wouldn't have anything to do with her.

She poured a drink over you while you were holding a baby? That is absolutely disgusting behaviour in my book!

I'd also agree that she appears to have mental helath issues. Pandering to her ways really wont help her or anyone around her. Continual acceptance (or avoidance of confrontation) will become permissive in her eyes.

[FrannyandZooey]

well I wouldn't have anything more to do with her after that little lot, but it's up to you if you can be a bigger person and make some form of truce

[smartiejake]

Christ almighty- how old is this woman?

12?

The stuff about the wedding is insane. It's perfectly reasonable to ask mums to remove crying babies during a service or speeches. Guests want to hear the vows and speeches. Even if she disagreed with your wishes it's simply not her place to make a fuss. Your wedding, your choice.

She can't forgive you for ruining your wedding for her? Has she any idea that she ruined what should have been the happiest day of your life and your honeymoon. This behaviour is reprehensible.

I hope she is offering a full apology with no reservations. I'm not sure I would accept anything less.

[LIZS]

She soundn as if she has all sorts of hang ups which you aren't going to be able to resolve.

tbh the one concession to her you could make is that you now understand how it may have come across as insensitive and less than accommodating at your wedding as regards her baby. Presumably that was fairly recent and feelings are still raw on all sides.

Her more recent comments and attitude are not so easily forgiveable and I wonder if her birth experience, particulalry a sense of lack of control and probably fear, is colouring her opinions. If needs be let dh deal with her in the first instance and if she seems genuinely conciliatory then get involved or write as Twiglett suggest.

[cosima]

let her come round and listen to her on the basis that she's ridiculous, then say fine, let her out and get on with your day. 'shoo fly, stop bothering me'

[Heated]

How confident are you of a)dealing with her b) dh's firm and full support?

If neither of you verbally can cut her off at the knees then imo be quick to agree that at the first word of unpleasantness you both tell her to leave. Otherwise you are not going to be there.

Given her own 'mothering' of her young child, your SIL clearly has ishoos but you are not her whipping boy for her to vent her poisonous bile at. Stay silent (Cyteen's right about how a level gaze and an uncomfortable silence is empowering) and if she starts, tell her if she can't say anything nice then she's to get out.

[lackaDAISYcal]

Once you've had the baby and are socialising with other mums you'll make heaps of new friends. NCT postnatal groups are very good for this I've found.