How do I move out without hurting my parents' feelings?

[TimesAreHard55332]

Moved in with my parents after my divorce, together with my toddler. They are wonderful. In theory, it should be great. They wanted us here. Spent a lot of effort and money on setting up the place. My mum could not be doing more for us.

They are driving me NUTS. They never leave the room I am in. I can't eat what I want, when I want. My mum cooks everything and takes it very badly if you make something for yourself. They don't respect my toddler's routine. Won't let me leave the house with him to the park or whatever until gone 10am. They ask me a million questions. I tried to watch something on TV and my dad interrupted every 30 seconds. The parenting advice - they try VERY hard not to say anything but they eventually can't help themselves. My mum is running herself ragged doing SO MUCH and NONE of it is what I want or ask for. She won't let me do my own laundry, she insists on folding my clothes etc. She insists on cooking for my son but she is too slow, does it too late, I'm dealing with a starving toddler, it's awful. I could do it myself, yes, but I would have to physically assault her and push her out of the way.

Oh, and they do zero childcare. Zero, in spite of many promises (I never asked!!). I love caring for my child. But I can't do it in their house, when I can't control the cooking, nap times etc.

They treat me like I'm 12 basically. They refuse to leave the house if me.and toddler are home, and insist I could not possibly care for a toddler by myself.

I have to go, of course, and have set things in motion. How do I do this without hurting their feelings?

I need to reset this to a normal adult - child - parent relationship.

I know I fucked up, I should have never entertained this idea. I was emotionally very vulnerable at the time. Still should have known better, I know I know. I thought i'd save some money, give my toddler some grandparent love and have some happy family times (tbf I did hit 2 out of 3 here).

I think it's okay for you to just say you're moving out and want to try to rebuild your life, again. Maybe they are stressed, too? Living with parents, as adults, is hard. I think they would know that and are possibly doing what they do to help minimise, or distract from, the normal challenges of this arrangement.

I'm glad you had support! It's okay to be thankful for it and move on when ready! I think your parents would agree and not be hurt.

Sounds like they have reverted to being the parents and you are their child in all senses. I would start by saying how grateful you were when they provided you with a home when you needed it but it's probably time for you to start looking for your own space. If you do this before you have a arrangements in place it will set the seed in their minds that you don't intend to be around for the next 20 years. I think that it would be kinder than saying you're leaving Friday or whenever.

Just tell them? Surely they didn't think you'd be there forever?

You say, mum you did great and now I need to work it out for myself.
Thank you and I love you.
See you very soon

I don’t think it’s got anything to do with hurting their feelings, surely? I mean parents expect their children to grow up and leave. You came back for a little while when you needed to. Now you’re moving on again. That’s normal.

This is insane. I went back to read your post again expecting I had missed you saying you were 17 or something, but no you have been married and lived outside their home and then had a baby. Why are they treating you as if you are a child?

When you say they won't let you out before 10am what do you mean? Do they keep the door locked? Or is it just delaying breakfast? What happens if you say "No thanks Mum, we're going out got breakfast / dinner"?

I think you need to be blunt and honest with them. "Mum I love you and appreciate you are trying to help but I want to do this myself. If you can't give me space to do that then I will have to leave".

Jeezo, just bloody tell them and get on with it.

You're acting as daft as them now.

What happens if you try and take the baby out at 9am? It’s utterly insane that they won’t leave you to care for your baby.

Just tell them you’ve found your own place and will be moving out. They must be expecting it at some point.

I was supposed to be here until December when I have my flat sorted (a flat I bought before I was married, tenants are acquaintances who are leaving in November). So leaving now will definitely make life more difficult and will be very obvious I am leaving because we're not getting along!

She delays and delays, my dad will huff and shout that I'm "rushing", I'll get the silent treatment later, it's just awkward as fuck. 90% of the time the pram is not where I left it so I have to ask where it is and that starts a whole thing, so I can't sneak out lol.

It's all very, very daft. They have a very rigid routine and trying to do anything outside of that makes them anxious and eventually angry.

We had a screaming argument because I took my toddler out for a day trip. I hadn't informed them the night before of the plans (I was literally seeing a friend across London), my dad was stressing about where I'll park, my mum started banging things in the kitchen because child will not have food etc. I had already sorted the car, made and packed the food, the parking, the child, absolutely everything (as is normal!!).

They just can't understand I'm capable of it!! Which tbf was the same when I was a child. When I graduated uni (a very good one!), my dad said at my ceremony that he never thought I would even get accepted to any university, thank god he'd saved some money. I was like eh? I had all As and had been one of the top students in my class since I was 11!

Edited to say I'm 38! With a career and my own flat (tenants moving out end of year which is why staying with my parents seemed like a good idea after leaving exH's home)

Get out of there op, this cannot be good for your mental health!

Sounds suffocating OP, you need to leave. They’ll cope, they’ll have to!

Sneakily sort out getting a new place. Then leave the house at 10am one day and just... don't go back. That'll show them! 😉

I assume your dp's are retired.

For the moment lock your pram and a changing bag in the boot everytime you're not using them.

Buy ready-made snacks for toddler to have on hand pre meal times.

If you are working take toddler out after picking him up from nursery.

Your dp's are either mentally ill or controlling or perhaps both.

Get your new place sorted then move quickly. Tell them when it's a done deal. They sound mental and like you can't reason with them.

I think you are stressing them out as much as they stress you. That’s not a criticism, they are just set in their ways and you are disrupting that. No one’s fault. But it does mean it might secretly be a relief for them too.

I understand about the December thing as it will make it obvious.

This sounds unbearable OP. Do uou work? I dont think i would ladt until November.

It's almost abusive, hiding the pram, shouting at you and then sulking and silent treatment- in fact if it was a partner pulling that shit then I'd say it was.

I'd get out sooner if you can. It's not good for you child to be around this, nor you!

Wow they sound ultra controlling to the point of abusive. Your dad's comment at your graduation 😮.

Honestly OP it sounds like you have been conditioned by a lifetime of their weird behaviour to accept this but it's insane. Was your ex this controlling?

I think they might well kick off and sulk, and indeed try to stop you leaving. But you have to do it anyway.

I realise I have not given you any advice as to how to make this move less unpleasant but I will say - your parents really have not taken you in out of pure parental selflessness. The way I see it they are thriving on having you and now your dc too back under their control, but at your expense.

So try not to take on the guilt they want you to feel. It's theirs.

God I felt stressed just reading that.

Lived with parents with toddler for a few months between houses when rental fell through it was awful. Awful. And my parents are lovely. The dynamic did not work. How those multi generational families manage I do not know.

They sound just like my parents. Stuck in their routines and they can’t get their head around the fact that you’re an adult with agency. Don’t worry about moving out - they won’t be hurt, I guarantee they will be as relieved as you are.

You need to have a calm, honest conversation. I get that feels very difficult, but if you don’t you run the risk of saying it all anyway in a row which would be much more damaging. Say it, find a short term let if you can afford it. Good luck.

Your parents sound batshit crazy! This is not a healthy environment to live in as you are literally fighting for your right to make any decisions with them actively blocking you.
The trouble you foresee with moving out now is exactly the same as how they will react when your tenants move out in November. So you can carry on living with parents now and delay facing it now until November or get it over sooner.
You must be a very determined woman to have escaped their clutches to go to Uni and become independent many years ago!

You don't. You do what you need to do. They have each other they will get over it.

Is there any chance that your 'tenants' can move out sooner? If not. can you rent for six months? The life you're describing is so unhealthy both for you and your DC. If you left home once before to go to uni and had an independent life where you bought your own flat you can do it again!

I'm pretty sure they will be as delighted as you are when you leave. Just get on with it.