How do I move out without hurting my parents' feelings?

[TimesAreHard55332]

Moved in with my parents after my divorce, together with my toddler. They are wonderful. In theory, it should be great. They wanted us here. Spent a lot of effort and money on setting up the place. My mum could not be doing more for us.

They are driving me NUTS. They never leave the room I am in. I can't eat what I want, when I want. My mum cooks everything and takes it very badly if you make something for yourself. They don't respect my toddler's routine. Won't let me leave the house with him to the park or whatever until gone 10am. They ask me a million questions. I tried to watch something on TV and my dad interrupted every 30 seconds. The parenting advice - they try VERY hard not to say anything but they eventually can't help themselves. My mum is running herself ragged doing SO MUCH and NONE of it is what I want or ask for. She won't let me do my own laundry, she insists on folding my clothes etc. She insists on cooking for my son but she is too slow, does it too late, I'm dealing with a starving toddler, it's awful. I could do it myself, yes, but I would have to physically assault her and push her out of the way.

Oh, and they do zero childcare. Zero, in spite of many promises (I never asked!!). I love caring for my child. But I can't do it in their house, when I can't control the cooking, nap times etc.

They treat me like I'm 12 basically. They refuse to leave the house if me.and toddler are home, and insist I could not possibly care for a toddler by myself.

I have to go, of course, and have set things in motion. How do I do this without hurting their feelings?

I need to reset this to a normal adult - child - parent relationship.

I know I fucked up, I should have never entertained this idea. I was emotionally very vulnerable at the time. Still should have known better, I know I know. I thought i'd save some money, give my toddler some grandparent love and have some happy family times (tbf I did hit 2 out of 3 here).

Its time to rebuild your life with your child - thats normal and healthy. It doesn't need to be because of them.

Kindly rip off the plaster. They may choose to be hurt but your relationship will rebuild. Best of luck xx

It's not just you, lots of people say similar. For people who choose to live in multi-generational households, it's different, because their spouse is there, so their parents generally respect them as an adult, and change their behaviour-if they move back in as a single person, that parent-child dynamic comes right back. Could you live with the dad temporarily, or if he's miles away, any friends? They are less likely to smother you.

Omg you're 38?? They are batshit and I would have flipped my lid by now. Focus on moving out and dont worry about their feelings, they aren't worried about yours as they aren't respecting the fact you are a grown woman with a child etc

Stifling and suffocating. But I left home at 17 and our relationship improved massively, we are genuinely very close. This is the first time I've stayed with them more than 1-2 nights and all the memories are coming back.

you need to stop caring about their reactions. Be assertive - ie. calm, clear and polite but do what you need to do.

It doesn't matter at all if they are hurt - that is your problem here, putting their feelings into the equation over yours and your childs.

just do what you need to !

I take it on-board that it must be hard for them too, I really do. Which is why I'm biting my tongue and doing my best to be pleasant and polite and grateful but inside I'm screaming.

They're not awful people but we've fallen right into a horrible dynamic. They made the invitation, they went as far as to set up a nursery for my son before I even confirmed I was coming etc etc. They were genuinely excited.

And they are NOT "elderly". They are 59 and 60!

Might be a drip feed but they didn't actually raise me as young. I stayed with my grandparents from the age of 12 months until age 10 so they actually have no experience of a toddler.

I think my mum is somehow trying to make up for all of that (she is very sad about missing my childhood) but she's going overboard. She's trying to be "motherly" but to be honest, before I got pregnant, she often declared how much she dislikes small children. She's trying hard but hating the reality of a toddler, I think.

And thank you for everyone sympathising. I feel calmer and happier about things now, it's helped a lot.

I know what I need to do but without a partner to talk to, I am really doubting everything I do and think these days.

I second this approach. No drama and no harm done by the white lie.

OP They sound like my parents!!

Okay. It is not normal to feel you cannot tell them that you want to move out early. It shows how enmeshed they are with you. You moved out before, so you can do it again!

They are 59 and 60!

They’re young! They’re behaving like 80 year olds!

Might be a drip feed but they didn't actually raise me as young. I stayed with my grandparents from the age of 12 months until age 10 so they actually have no experience of a toddler.

Why is this? Nine years out of the first ten of your own child’s life - must have been a pretty big disaster happening to them? Or just shit people?

Oh my God! Please leave. Just say that a friend is going away and needs a house sitter, so you'll do this for her/him, and they'll be back by the time your flat is ready. Otherwise , you'll go crazy. I'm surpised you thought it would work, considering your past experiences!

Your mum is trying to to be a parent to a small child because she didn't do this for you. She is trying to re-write history at your expense.

What were the circumstances that led to you living with your grandparents for nine years from the age of 12 months? That is a very unusual scenario indeed. She is trying to make herself feel better by completely taking over and treating your small child as her own. They are being awful to you because your presence is actually ruining their fantasy that they should be making all the decisions about your small child.

Your family dynamic is completely fucked up (not your fault in any way) and you need to get out of there as soon as possible. Fuck their feelings as they don't consider yours in any way.

To make it easier you might want to try to make changes and, when they inevitably can’t live with them you might be able to come to a mutual agreement that whilst everyone has tried, its not working so you’ll move out until your flat is ready.
The two I would focus on are:

• You want to buy your own food and be able to cook for you and child whenever you want
• You come and go as you will without informing them where you are going or when you will be back

If they won’t agree to those stipulations say fair enough, it’s your home, your rules but id prefer to move out then. No hard feelings and im really grateful that you helped me at such a difficult time. Start openly looking for a new place. I agree too with PP to lock your pram and a changing bag in the boot everytime you're not using them.

The more you write, the more I think this is a terrible environment to live in. Not least for your child. It’s not your job, or your child’s, to fill holes in them or repair your mum’s regrets. They sound very self centred. Find somewhere asap and say you’re leaving, it’s the best way to protect your relationship.

I do have to wonder @TimesAreHard55332 who is considering your feelings here? You don’t want to hurt your parent’s feelings? Are they sitting around thinking the same? No clearly not. Then who is worried about you or indeed your child’s feelings here, think of the basics when your child feels hungry, who is prioritising your child and indeed you in that moment? Nobody really. It is all about you having learned to regulate your parents emotions for them to minimise discomfort they are feeling and never having outgrown that.

The more you write OP, the worse it gets I'm afraid. It just sounds like a completely toxic environment.
I'll repeat that your parents are not remotely concerned with your feelings so you need to do what's best for you and your child. Their feelings don't come into it at this point.

It’s quite rare for a child of two healthy parents to live with grandparents for so long.
Im wondering what your childhood must have looked like.
The thing is, when it comes to a toddler it’s clear they have little or no experience.
It sounds like they are playing at roles rather than being natural.
I am just short of your mum’s age and can’t believe the carry on out of her. It’s no age at all these days.
I have so many questions - do you parents work at all? Live in the real world?
I think if you’ve built a decent relationship with them, where a bit of distance helps, it’s time to move out.
I can understand now why you are wary of upsetting them - they are having a ‘chance’ to play a role in a young child’s life they didn’t play in yours.
But they are grown ups and they will have to deal with it.
You can restore some balance.

Why did your grandparents raise you?
Your parents were in their 20s when you were born.
It's not as though your mother was a teenage mother, still at school.

Have you been told by them why you were raised by your grand parents?.

The fact you moved away from them at 17 is itself telling, that was the first chance you got to get away.

You likely hoped against your own experience to the contrary that they would behave better this time around but they have not changed in all the years since. Btw did you marry someone who turned out to be just like your parents are?

"I love you guys but this set up isn't working for us so I'm moving out at the end of the week. Thanks for putting up with me and the little one so long".

From what you say there is nothing you can do to change them. However the reality is that the only person you can ever change is yourself. You have an exit strategy already , your flat becomes vacant in November. That is 7 mths away. If you leave now you risk jeopardising your relationship with your parents and losing some of your savings. The fall out from this could in retrospect be far harder to deal with than staying another 7 mths
think about what strategies you can put in place to minimise your stress.
practical things like locking the pram in the boot of your car so you know where it is.
getting aTV for your room so you can watch in peace
putting a calendar on the wall with all of your upcoming plans so they are aware.
and try seeing the funny side and respond firmly but affectionately

when they try to control you

Use humour, say things like I know I am still your baby mum, but this baby has one of her own now and we are going out tomorrow early. Say it while giving her a kiss and a cuddle

they sound like good parents if misguided. They have been there for you when you needed them, you have an end in sight. Don’t act hastily or you will regret it

lastly their unreasonableness may be based in their realisation that they are finding all this too much. They love you and want to help, but they are probably also exhausted . When your mother insists on folding your laundry, ignore her, take it from her and do it yourself. Dont argue act

They are neither good parents nor misguidrd. It’s their way or no way as far as they are concerned.

Op needs to separate entirely from her parents before she and her child become further controlled by them. Ops parents are deeply dysfunctional and op was raised by her grandparents until she was ten. The relationship is already damaged beyond repair and they are not at all taking ops feelings into consideration.

I would give notice to the current tenants of your flat now because staying with them until November is not viable.

i would imagine that taking the laundry from her mothers hands would not go down at all well and Op could well be accused erroneously by her of assault.

So they only looked after you for seven years?

Seeing you parent successfully on your own means accepting they couldn't look after you as a two. It's all coming out of some way to prove how hard it is to parent. But they're huffing and puffing and not letting you get on with it.

Sounds like you need to get out. Can you come up with something like renting a little flat closer to work/nursery for a bit?