How do I move out without hurting my parents' feelings?

[TimesAreHard55332]

Moved in with my parents after my divorce, together with my toddler. They are wonderful. In theory, it should be great. They wanted us here. Spent a lot of effort and money on setting up the place. My mum could not be doing more for us.

They are driving me NUTS. They never leave the room I am in. I can't eat what I want, when I want. My mum cooks everything and takes it very badly if you make something for yourself. They don't respect my toddler's routine. Won't let me leave the house with him to the park or whatever until gone 10am. They ask me a million questions. I tried to watch something on TV and my dad interrupted every 30 seconds. The parenting advice - they try VERY hard not to say anything but they eventually can't help themselves. My mum is running herself ragged doing SO MUCH and NONE of it is what I want or ask for. She won't let me do my own laundry, she insists on folding my clothes etc. She insists on cooking for my son but she is too slow, does it too late, I'm dealing with a starving toddler, it's awful. I could do it myself, yes, but I would have to physically assault her and push her out of the way.

Oh, and they do zero childcare. Zero, in spite of many promises (I never asked!!). I love caring for my child. But I can't do it in their house, when I can't control the cooking, nap times etc.

They treat me like I'm 12 basically. They refuse to leave the house if me.and toddler are home, and insist I could not possibly care for a toddler by myself.

I have to go, of course, and have set things in motion. How do I do this without hurting their feelings?

I need to reset this to a normal adult - child - parent relationship.

I know I fucked up, I should have never entertained this idea. I was emotionally very vulnerable at the time. Still should have known better, I know I know. I thought i'd save some money, give my toddler some grandparent love and have some happy family times (tbf I did hit 2 out of 3 here).

I think you say to them that you really appreciate them making a place for you to land in their home and it's made a huge difference; BUT that neither side is finding it easy and your relationships with them is more important than you all getting into arguments because of domestics, so you've taken out a 6 month let to get you to empty flat status and think that will work better for everyone. (Assuming you can afford to do that.)

I am sure they will breathe a massive sigh of relief.

They are very rigid, controlling people that are trying desperately to keep their lives on track with their rules. They feel safe stuck in their rules like it keeps them safe from harm and you and DC living their triggers their fear and MH.
You moving out would be the best decision for all of you before they resort to something crazy like locking you in your bedroom to stop you leaving.

Your parents raised a very able and successful child (you!) but honestly they sound deeply problematic in their attitude to you. It’s not normal. But yes, as PP have suggested, you can thank them and say you think it’s time for you to go it alone.

Well, obviously you can tell them that it's perfectly normal for an adult (ie you) to want a home of their own.
But, ultimately, if you do hurt their feelings then I'm afraid you'll just have to accept that this is the price you have to pay to get your life back.

I mean I know I worry about my grown up children and difficulties they may have. I think they find it annoying but I think your parents have taken it to a whole new level.

You need out. Can you enquire about a long term Airbnb? They can rent out for maximum 10 months which would be great for your timings.

Op, you needed a safe place to recover, you just have outgrown it by now. They are going to be annoyed whatever you do so do whatever you think is right.

It does help to use a bit of the grey rock method, the less you tell them about your plans, the less problems.

Finish sorting that flat without giving them updates and when you are ready… say thanks and go… I would even say go as far away as you can but I’ll leave it at that. 😁

Your parents want to continue with their rules and routines with you and little one living there.

Your mum is doing everything maybe because she feels it's her job to look after her baby (you).

It sounds stressful for all concerned!

It might surprise you that you don't hurt their feelings? But even if you do, that's their problem with their feelings.

The sad thing is that your presence and little ones presence is giving them a busier life, without you and little one their lives will be emptier, I think there's some sort of pleasure for them with you being there, even though they are imposing their rules.

Tell them you love them and you're thankful for them, but it's time for you and little one to move out. Give them the date you'll be moving out, and go. Give them a day that you'll next see them so that they know they'll be seeing you soon after your move.

You'll be fine and so will they xx

I don’t think you should be thinking of it terms of hurting their feelings. Honestly if I was in London I’d offer you a place here until your flat was ready. I had to move in with my mum, with a baby and toddler, and lasted just a month before I had to leave for my sanity.

Your parents seem too young to be acting so old.

Tell them you appreciate all the help and support they are giving you, but you feel you need to put your big girl pants on and get on with life. You’ve found somewhere to rent short term and need to do this.

they might be upset, they could just as easily be relieved. Don’t cut them out of the process but be firm, you need to do this now or you feel you never will.

Your parents are not the kind and or generous souls you’ve been led to believe they are. They are both deeply dysfunctional as well as abusive.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. The silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse and going forward your child and you will need to stay away from them. Your dad’s comment at your graduation was beyond the pale.

It’s not help if you did not ask for it and they still see you as somehow incapable. BTW you won’t hurt their feelings because they have none, they will be more likely pissed off instead that you’re leaving them.

They have not cared about hurting your feelings and infect they’ve given you no real consideration whatsoever. I would read If you had controlling parents written by Dan Neuharth.

You absolutely need to move out asap.

Can you give your tenants notice to move out sooner?.

People who label their children as incapable or incompetent as they grow up when they’re obviously not due so to stunt the possibility of their child making something of themselves and becoming independent. It’s also ensures the parents feel superior that they know best!

Your parents have been given a second chance with you moving back in with them to stunt your progression and to make you feel a child who is clueless.

The actions of them hiding your pram and delaying you going out while trying to warn you that finding parking etc is futile is them playing mind games to make you doubt your decisions. They are gaslighting you to twist reality that you are capable of being independent from them and not a child.

They are like a cult trying to brainwash you into losing your identity so you will be too scared to leave.

Are you an only child?

In practical sense, you prepare your rental, & move stuff over discreetly.
You tell parents that you have been offered a house sit. (They are travelling for 6 months.)
Its time they had a rest, & for you to get back into the world. they have been a fantastic support when you were at your lowest. You can never thank them enough. You love them , & will see them Saturday.
Any tantrums, ultimatums etc. Just be kind, say you know they want whats best for you. Youll see them frequently….

I was going to ask if your parents would be open to understanding your side but i see you decided to move out.

In that case, you don’t have to hurt their feelings. They sound suffocating and infuriating as a result but i suspect they think they are doing it to help you. I don’t see malice or spite in their behaviour the way you describe it.

You can simply thank them for helping you out when help was needed and all the effort they put in. And say that you are ready to stand on your own feet now.

You don’t have to get too emotional at them, just thank them, make them feel
that despite various hiccups, they are appreciated. And then enjoy your own space in your new place.

Let them huff and puff
It's manipulation

Lots and lots of summer days out. Are you working? If not I'd be out of the house from after breakfast every day. Join every toddler group you possibly can. Find a local library with a decent kids' area and toilets. I'd also be stashing emergency fruit in my room for the toddler.

It sounds like they feel completely responsible for you, as if you were a child again.

Can you talk to them about it? Tell them they don't have to be involved in everything you do, and that you are responsible for yourself and your own child?

Don't worry about hurting their feelings if you move out - it's better than you slowly going insane in their house. And if they're upset that their adult daughter moves out, that's something they need to address themselves. It's not your responsibility.

I loved my parents but when I’d lost both of them (I hope yours very healthy and long lives!) I thought I’ve just spent 50 years there managing them, being a go-between, marriage counsellor.
At a young age I realised they were happiest when I was doing well/being entertaining/bringing them together. So I spent 50 years doing that, it was exhausting.
I turned down so many life opportunities, because it was, well, what we do if Jade isn’t here?
And then I was left with the feeling not of a wasted life, but that I gave up so much just to ‘be’ their daughter, and I deserved my own life.
You are only 38, with many more decades to go. It’s really important not just to leave but perhaps manage your relationship as they get older.
Not sure how old they are but the last thing you want is parents who get older and use the stock phrase - of course we don’t need help, our daughter will do everything for us.
Get out, breathe, and don’t get dragged back into these patterns. Let them thrash about like toddlers - we just gave you a home and this is how you repay us?
Don’t fall for any of it. It’s all emotional bullshit that they can’t manage so they give it to you.
Do not accept it.
It is a waste of your life.
You can care for them, be a daughter, they can see your DC but it has to be your choice as to what all of that looks like.

Well it was only ever temporary Mum. I need to stand on my own two feet. It’s been lovely but now it’s time to start the next chapter, just me and DC. Thanks for all your help, it’s really made me restock.

And then run like the fucking wind.

I'd also be stashing emergency fruit in my room for the toddler

Whatever for @EricTheHalfASleeve?
Presumably there's a fruit bowl downstairs?

Why would you assume that there was a fruit bowl downstairs and what difference does it make? I’m sure her mum would get just as controlling about giving a snack just before lunch too.

It’s a good idea. Emergency snacks for when her mum is trying to prevent her from providing food for her hungry toddler because she wants to cook and serve at a time that’s not suitable for them?

I think you need to accept they might not be happy, but you should tell them how grateful you are but that you’re finding it hard not having the freedom of your own house to be able to cook, manage routines etc and that you wouldn’t be comfortable trying to enforce your routine on them in their own house so now they’ve helped you get back on your feet you’re itching to get back to normality, so thank you very much for being there when you needed them but you’re making moves and will be moving out next week

Yeah, sort out your finances and rent a studio or something temporarily until your flat comes free in November. They sound rigid to the point of being unhinged - and can’t even be that old if you’re only 38!

Unfortunately their feelings probably will be hurt because they believe they’re being helpful and supportive. Even you characterise their smothering control and infantilisation of you as them ‘bending over backwards’. Your relationship has clearly never evolved into an adult-to-adult one, and being under their roof has instantly regressed them into the same dynamic as when you were a child, which is really unhealthy for all of you.

I’d couch it in terms of feeling like you’re causing them stress by being there, and that their routine as retirees and yours as the mother of a toddler are basically incompatible; that you love them and are grateful to them for the soft landing but it’ll be better now for all of you to have your own space back. And then don’t engage with their protests or questions, just smile, rinse and repeat.

I’d just be honest. ‘Clearly we’re stressing you out and you’re not able to work with the difficult schedule a baby requires so I’ve decided to make your lives much calmer. I don’t want to be a burden on your schedule.’