How do I move out without hurting my parents' feelings?

[TimesAreHard55332]

Moved in with my parents after my divorce, together with my toddler. They are wonderful. In theory, it should be great. They wanted us here. Spent a lot of effort and money on setting up the place. My mum could not be doing more for us.

They are driving me NUTS. They never leave the room I am in. I can't eat what I want, when I want. My mum cooks everything and takes it very badly if you make something for yourself. They don't respect my toddler's routine. Won't let me leave the house with him to the park or whatever until gone 10am. They ask me a million questions. I tried to watch something on TV and my dad interrupted every 30 seconds. The parenting advice - they try VERY hard not to say anything but they eventually can't help themselves. My mum is running herself ragged doing SO MUCH and NONE of it is what I want or ask for. She won't let me do my own laundry, she insists on folding my clothes etc. She insists on cooking for my son but she is too slow, does it too late, I'm dealing with a starving toddler, it's awful. I could do it myself, yes, but I would have to physically assault her and push her out of the way.

Oh, and they do zero childcare. Zero, in spite of many promises (I never asked!!). I love caring for my child. But I can't do it in their house, when I can't control the cooking, nap times etc.

They treat me like I'm 12 basically. They refuse to leave the house if me.and toddler are home, and insist I could not possibly care for a toddler by myself.

I have to go, of course, and have set things in motion. How do I do this without hurting their feelings?

I need to reset this to a normal adult - child - parent relationship.

I know I fucked up, I should have never entertained this idea. I was emotionally very vulnerable at the time. Still should have known better, I know I know. I thought i'd save some money, give my toddler some grandparent love and have some happy family times (tbf I did hit 2 out of 3 here).

rent a studio flat/Air bnb somewhere until your other flat is ready. Did they ever visit you at your flat/house before? If not, and this may be ridiculously deceitful but I’f just say your tenants have left sooner than planned and so you are moving back in while actually living elsewhere. Continue to see them as before at their house or meet wherever out and about 😬 If this isn’t going to work, frame it as you are ‘helping them’ keep their routine and peace so it’s easier for that if you and toddler live elsewhere and that you’ll be back soon to visit/short stay etc.

also - does pram fold down so can be kept in the car boot? That’s where I kept mine but may be more awkward if your car isn’t parked outside house. But it would control access to the pram (keep keys with you in purse)

Just be brief and say Hi Mum and Dad, I am looking to move out when Tenants go .(or sooner /whatever) Its been great and I am so grateful .However at 38 I need my own space again.They may well huff and puff of course .But at the end of the day they will come round .I often think its hard for parents to let go fully,They probably like feeling needed again and are making the most of it!

I think it’s telling that you’ve titled this ‘how do I move out without hurting my parents feelings’. You’re 38, you are a mother. Your parents feelings about where you live now, where you will live in the future, and at what point you move from one place to the other are not something you should be considering to be honest. What is your personal situation re money and work? If you can afford it, move out now. If you can’t, can you move into your flat with your friends?

You have seen what they are like so be more self contained. Don’t ask them for baby sitting. Either find someone else or do without. This independence has to come from within, not when they allow you. Things might be tricky now for a few months but it doesn’t mean you have to roll over on command. Take control of your pram and food.

Tell them that it's been great staying with them but lo and behold a flat has just been offered to you that's too good to be true! You are snapping it up and will be moving there in about, oh, three hours.

Definitely find some temp accommodation untilbyoue flat is ready

Im so curious OP, have they openly said you cant cope with your child on your own, and if so what did you say? Or is it just them fussing, in which case what do you say? Or are you trying not to engage and going 'we'll be fine' which i totally understand. Just so curious about how these conversations are actually happening! Have you got any siblings?

Gosh they sound unbearable. They did you a favour but now they’re being unhelpful and controlling. You don’t need to tiptoe around them. Get a short term lease and tell them you’re moving out on the move in date, once it’s all set up. Honestly I’d be much firmer with them, their huffing and puffing is childish

I was going to say can't you hold on for a few months, but no they sound insane.

Could you fib and say a friend is going travelling/moving in with a partner and has asked you to do them a huge favour by moving into their flat until their lease ends/they can sell up, if you want to sugarcoat it a bit?

Do you work? Just wondering how that works if they don't let you out of the house until 10am and don't do any childcare? Could you say hours/days they need you in are changing so you need to be nearer a nursery with provision?

It's hard because you are fully justified in not giving them any excuses and just saying that they are making it impossible for you to live with them, but I can understand why you don't want them to completely kick off, as they sound like they could go nuclear if they feel offended.

I would just say:-

"Well, you'll be pleased to know I'll be out of your hair soon as I've got my own place, but I want you to know that im really grateful for you putting us up when we needed it."

This description of your parents is SCARILY accurate to the situation I was in.

Very bad marriage breakdown with abusive exH who threatened me and made my life hell after he left when our child was a baby. I'd been living abroad (in UK, I'm from Ireland) for 10 years with him and had to move back with my child after everything just to get away from him, and it made most sense to live with my parents as they had the space, the divorce had cost me £30k and exH quit his high-paying job to avoid paying any kind of meaningful child maintenance.

It. was. hell. That day out with your toddler story and your parents' reaction to it happened several times during the almost two painful years I spent living there building back up my savings. I genuinely felt like I was suffocating and that my child and I's relationship was suffering, as we got no time together just the two of us as they were always in the room, giving him tons of sugary treats, putting cartoons on full volume because 'he likes it!' even when I was just trying to colour or do jigsaws etc with him. Like you, couldn't make my own food or for my child without an argument. Every outing without them got passive aggressive comments, followed up with 'helpful advice' about whatever I was doing.

Also I have had comments very similar to your graduation one throughout my life - one that sticks out was being a bit nervous before a job interview and mentioning it to my mum and her sole advice was 'all you need to remember is whatever you do, do not oversell yourself' 😂

They clearly just think I'm incapable, never taking into consideration the fact that I had/have a very successful career despite everything with my ex, am raising my child on my own, lived away for a decade with no issues and had never asked for their help (prior to needing to move back) or ever taken any money from them. I felt really guilty for feeling so fed up with them when I knew they were allowing me to live there and clearly adore their grandchild, and it was a huge favour for them to do for me and I am grateful for that. I honestly think on some level I just thought it was normal and I was the one in the wrong? But it was like they took all agency away from me, especially at a time when my self-esteem was already on the floor after everything from my ex. It was when I realised that despite everything I was still at least another year away from being able to save enough for a deposit for a two-bed near my child's school that I realised I just had to get out.

I'm now paying €2.5k a month for rent, €600 for after-school care and have zero left at the end of every month after bills - but I wish I'd done it sooner, it's worth every penny to feel like a 'real' adult again. I'm 39 btw.

I would strongly recommend just getting a short-term let since you already have your long-term situation sorted (good for you!) and explaining that it's time for you and your toddler to have your own space again but you're really grateful for their help. Take them out for a lunch or something to say thanks (even through gritted teeth) and they'll get over it soon enough.

God sorry this got so long, and good luck!

@TimesAreHard55332 Crikey, just reading about your controlling parents is driving me round the twist. You have - what - just about six months before your own place is ready? Fine. Rent somewhere for six months. A one-bedroom place would be fine, the baby can have the bedroom and you can sleep on the sofa. Surely that would be more tolerable than staying where you are.

Never mind hurting their feeling. They ride roughshod over yours, and they complain about every single thing you do already. Nothing you do will ever please them, so stop trying and don't bother.

How old are your parents @TimesAreHard55332? I was wondering if they are fairly recently retired and struggling to come to terms with their new life and build a routine for the two of them, and so have grasped on to you and your DS being there as their new purpose?

Just trying to think round why they may behave like this and if the situation would be helped by them having something else in their lives.

Are you currently working? Does your DC go to nursery? It sounds as if you are all together in the house full time (which would drive anyone mad!)

Why are you so concerned about hurting their feelings when they don't seem to consider yours or your child's feelings at all?

I understand the dynamic when an adult child returns home to elderly parents can be difficult due to adapting to different routines and habits etc but this is way beyond that. It's controlling behaviour which they've gaslit you into thinking they're 'just trying to help'.

OP, you have my sympathy and support. I find meeting the needs of my child and parents simultaneously quite difficult. We went on a mini break once and it felt like they were on one holiday, my husband and daughter were on another and I shuttled resentfully between the two. It was allegedly to celebrate my birthday.

Sort out some interim accommodation, tell them with 48 hours to go and just do it. Your mental health is worth more than this and you deserve to do things your way as a parent.

I am sure their behaviour is motivated by concern but you must not endure this for a moment longer than you have to. If you are worried about hurting their feelings, rest assured it doesn't sound like they are coping too well with the reasonable demands of a toddler even if they are observing them and not in any way meeting them. It might improve your relationship no end to be housed separately. Good luck, OP.

I agree with PP who say get your new place sorted asap and then move quickly and make it a done deal. This will give them less time to make things difficult for you because I dont think they are going to learn. What you have said in OP brings back unhappy memories of when I was a young adult in my 20s living in the parental home although I was childfree. I had an entirely different lifestyle from that of my parents. In effect we were two different social classes with different habits and aspirations. This is something my parents never accepted.

This is how I left home. We were 5 people in a tiny two up two down terrace when my sister had an unplanned child. I moved into the sitting room for a bit of privacy but it was no real solution. I sourced a new build flat for myself and had to wait until it was finished. All the things I bought for the flat were stored with my grandmother. I did not tell them I was going until a few days before in order to save awkwardness. The man with van was already booked.

The behaviour on the receiving end is pretty abusive or at best one step away.

They sound like they have undiagnosed MH issues that are ultimately going to destroy your MH.

As others have suggested a warm thank you but only as you are heading out the door with a “plan that magically fell into place”.

A made up friend moving out and you are doing them a favour moving in until November to mind their plants might be an option.

Oh goodness. Leave now. 6 months more of this will break you!

I'm sure thay would have assumed it was temporary anyway? They've clearly been making a huge effort, which has been hard for them too from what you've said.

Just tell them you've found an ideal place, say often oh I will miss ....... but time to get on with my life and give you guys a break.

Just leave. Bribe your tenants to leave early if you can afford it. They'll be just as relieved as you. (I know this, because we have adult DCs who move back from time to open-ended time, and it's always with the best intentions from both sides, and it's always stifling and egg-shell walking.)
You'll love each other much more afterwards.

Trust me when I say they understand very well that you are capable. They just don't care. They walk all over you and sound like extremely controlling people. They emotionally abuse you as well. They are using you to regulate themselves. What you describe does not sound like loving parents. Its suffocating.

What was your upbringing like? I mean: what was it REALLY like?

I think you have to let them sulk about it. Move out.

Why do you think it's not ok to hurt their feelings?

If this was your partner it would be seen as abuse. Get packing.

Op if you can’t move until the end of the year you will need to be more assertive with your parents just because they took you in when you needed them they don’t control you your 38 you just do what you want with your child. If they are hungry just make something simple or put your foot down you’re not a child but you are letting them treat you like you are. They are huffing and giving you the silent treatment anyway so you do you. Show them you’re capable of being a mother to your child.

I get this entirely - my sister did very similar, moving back in with a toddler. My parents mean well, but if you are in their house, my mum cooks, you are expected to let them know what you are doing, when you’ll be back etc much of which revolves around the planning and preparing of meals.

My mum did once have too much to drink though and let slip just how hard it was for her too - she was used to having the house to herself and suddenly there were people there ALL the time and she was taking everyone’s care on board.

I 100% agree you should move out, just be conscious that they are only how they are because they care and are trying their best.