How do I move out without hurting my parents' feelings?

[TimesAreHard55332]

Moved in with my parents after my divorce, together with my toddler. They are wonderful. In theory, it should be great. They wanted us here. Spent a lot of effort and money on setting up the place. My mum could not be doing more for us.

They are driving me NUTS. They never leave the room I am in. I can't eat what I want, when I want. My mum cooks everything and takes it very badly if you make something for yourself. They don't respect my toddler's routine. Won't let me leave the house with him to the park or whatever until gone 10am. They ask me a million questions. I tried to watch something on TV and my dad interrupted every 30 seconds. The parenting advice - they try VERY hard not to say anything but they eventually can't help themselves. My mum is running herself ragged doing SO MUCH and NONE of it is what I want or ask for. She won't let me do my own laundry, she insists on folding my clothes etc. She insists on cooking for my son but she is too slow, does it too late, I'm dealing with a starving toddler, it's awful. I could do it myself, yes, but I would have to physically assault her and push her out of the way.

Oh, and they do zero childcare. Zero, in spite of many promises (I never asked!!). I love caring for my child. But I can't do it in their house, when I can't control the cooking, nap times etc.

They treat me like I'm 12 basically. They refuse to leave the house if me.and toddler are home, and insist I could not possibly care for a toddler by myself.

I have to go, of course, and have set things in motion. How do I do this without hurting their feelings?

I need to reset this to a normal adult - child - parent relationship.

I know I fucked up, I should have never entertained this idea. I was emotionally very vulnerable at the time. Still should have known better, I know I know. I thought i'd save some money, give my toddler some grandparent love and have some happy family times (tbf I did hit 2 out of 3 here).

Sorry, very busy few days. I managed to get a flat, short term rental starting 1 June. It's going to cost me a bomb but such is life. I cannot kick out the tenants in my flat - the new legislation gives them all the power, I have them on my side now and it's not worth pissing them off and risk them staying put.

Things have improved as I've been more confident and my parents have backed off a bit but still not agreeable enough long term.

The reason I lived with my grandparents was because both my parents were still in uni when I was born. My mum wanted to finish her degree and then they both went into very demanding careers, working long hours. I actually had a lovely childhood. I would have been happier staying with my grandparents tbh, as all my parents did was work and I was always home alone after school, until gone 9pm. But the lack of supervision made them nervous so I was never allowed out of the house, never allowed to see friends after school, sleepovers etc. They allowed me to go to birthday parties but it was for a couple of hours max and I got ferried everywhere. Every move I made, everything was supervised and questioned. No other child friendly activities ever, I just had to either sit in the house alone or follow them to the supermarket or whatever. It's partly why I got so good at school, there was nothing else for me to do all day!

They honestly have no idea what to do with a child.

It is what it is, we built a very good relationship as adults which I don't want to lose.

I haven't told them about the flat yet, I'm mulling over how to approach it.

They may secretly be relieved but they will also be embarrassed I think, they will be VERY worried about what their friends and other relatives will say.

Tell them asap, do not mull over it but give them your leaving date. If they kick off which they may well
do or scream/cry this is just more emotional manipulation on their part to get you to conform . And then leave sooner, better to be in a hotel than to be subjected to this from them. They gave you up and they can’t look after your child now because they have no idea.

Do you really think you built a good relationship with them as adults?. What do you base that on?
After all you left home when you were 17 and that was likely the first opportunity you got.
.

Your relationship is good with them because you toe the line and behave well in their eyes. Start saying no however, and you will see a different side to them. they still see you as a child to be closely supervised because they think you are incapable. You will
never have a voice so long as you are in their home.

Let them be worried about what other relatives or people think but they won’t care. Why would they?. They are not living like this under their regime and your own options actually matter, not that they’ve ever given you any consideration here.

Your parents did not raise you, your grandparents did and your parents put their study and work before you. You were never allowed out and you are still under their supervision under their roof.

And deal with any and all fear obligation and guilt you have through therapy.

I’ve found a new place we’re moving in on … sort it ready to go beforehand we have loved staying with you but we don’t want to ruin your retirement plans and we need to be close to school/work soon thank you for having us. Are you cooking a roast Sunday we will be hear for that!

The last sentence seems so strange to emotionally functioning parents of adult children. You and your child moving into your own independent place is as normal and understandable as you can get, even if you had no issues with your parents. They seeing it as an embarrassment to family and friends is very outside the norm.

OP I would still go through the formal process to evict your tenants who are due to leave in November. There is no longer a no fault eviction it is true but one of the grounds to evict them is that the owner wishes to move in themselves so you absolutely can. You need to give them 4 months notice and can't do it within 12 months of the tenancy starting (so I hope they have been there a while). Assuming the 12 months are not a problem, I would at least issue one end of July to leave end of Nov, as agreed. This shouldn't be a problem for them if they are true to their word. You are sticking to your side of the agreement. You can dress it up as ' this is the formal paperwork for our agreement'. If you don't, you could get to the end of November and they say 'actually, we can't move after all', then you face starting the 4 month notice at that point. This way, you can go straight to court in December if they choose not to leave. It will still take you some time even from that point to remove them if they are unwilling.

@WonderingWanda Some domineering parents are like this. Infantising their adult children gives them a sense of superiority. By making out that others are somehow incapable and need all that 'help', they feel bigger and it boosts their ego.

This is control, not love time to move out.

You need to leave now. That is not normal behaviour. They sound unhinged to be honest.

Do their friends and other relative know about how your parents behaved during your childhood? They put finishing their degrees and demanding careers above caring for their own child and when they did take you back, they still put their careers first and gave you a terrible childhood, neglectful yet draconian, the very worst combination.

They shouldn't get a chance to have a 'do-over' at being a parent in order to look good in the eyes of their friends. They certainly don't deserve that.

Just solidarity. Its good you are getting out.

They sound, objectively, awful awful parents. Sorry OP.

You don’t owe them anything, and any relationship has to work on your terms and with a discernible benefit to you.

As for the outside impression fear combined with the career focusing - sounds like there are cultural differences at play perhaps a lot of us posting haven’t had to experience as normal.