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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner ignored repeated no during sex and I feel deeply shaken **Content Warning - non-consensual sex"

428 replies

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 10:47

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, I have two sons from a previous relationship, and he has a daughter. A few nights ago, me and my partner were in bed together, and I’m still coming to terms with what happened.

I rolled over and had begun to fall asleep, whilst he was still on his phone. I then felt him touching me and stroking me. He began to try and perform oral sex, but I told him I was tired and I wasn’t in the mood.

I was in a pretty rubbish mood, I had been arguing with my ex about our children (who were with him at the time), and I’d had a colposcopy procedure that day, so I just wanted to sleep.

My partner carried on, under the covers, I pushed his head away. I said I didn’t want to have sex, I was tired, sore etc. Then he got a little more aggressive and started to have sex. I winced and pushed him out, he stuck it back in. I then pushed him away and said no.

He then thrust his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I moved my face away and said no, and then he shoved it in my mouth. It’s a bit of a blur after that, he grabbed my throat multiple times, and started trying to aggressively try kiss me. He told me to call him by my ex’s name. I said no, and continued saying no to him.

He persisted and repeatedly told me to call him by my ex’s name over and over again (he has asked me to call him by other names during sex in the past), all whilst either trying to kiss me or shoving his penis in my face, he asked me to do anal and I said no, then he tried to stick it up there so I quickly moved. I tried to push him off again but couldn’t and he held my arms down. At that point I just started crying silently… I couldn’t help the tears streaming down my face and just lay there. At that point his was masturbating over my chest. He saw I was crying, and said ‘what’re you crying for, I’ll give you something to fucking cry about’ started trying to aggressively kiss me again, and told me to take his cum in my mouth, I said no moving my face away, he said I’ll do it on your chest then. I said no and tried to move out of the way but he was on top of me and then he ejaculated all over me.

I asked him why he’d done that whilst repeatedly telling him no, went straight to the shower and when I’d finished he was asleep.

I ended up leaving, and the day after, I spoke to him and told him he went too far, but he just responded saying he thought I liked it rough.I feel so confused and vulnerable, I haven’t seen him since, and I know that I need to get out of this relationship now. I just needed somewhere to vent this to someone, as I don’t have many people I can turn to. I’ve just done nothing but sit and think about what happened and replayed it in my head.

OP posts:
BananagramBadger · 02/05/2026 14:23

He wasn’t confused.
He didn’t think you liked it rough.
He decided what he wanted and he took it. He knew you said no.
He knew you didn’t want this.
He decided his wants were more important.

This is the behaviour of a rapist.

Dery · 02/05/2026 14:26

This was repeated sexual assaults and rape. Also assault and battery.

Brilliant advice including above by @Inertia. Is there anyone who can be with you in real life? This man sounds incredibly dangerous. He could have killed you. This rough sex thing is utter porn-soaked vileness. A man who really knows about BDSM and the responsibilities that come with dominance wouldn’t dream of treating you like this; the sub holds the ultimate power being that of consent. You didn’t consent to any of this - submission is not consent.

Your partner at some level hates women; hates you; thinks you/women are subhuman and there to serve men.

Can you speak to a rape crisis line? You don’t have to go to the police yet - or ever - but you can get evidence now. Your words are evidence. What you’ve written in your posts is evidence so please ensure you keep it. You might want to screenshot your posts. Do you have bruising? If so, take photographs. Keep his message about thinking you liked rough sex - that’s an admission of what he’s done (but actually what he’s done is potentially murderous sex; not rough sex). The police would take a statement - you can create your own statement even if you’re not sure you will use it. But most of all, can someone be with you in real life right now? You need serious and real support.

thecomedyofterrors · 02/05/2026 14:26

I’m so sorry this happened to you, with someone you trusted. This is rape, it’s wrong and one of the worst sexual abuses I’ve read on MN within a relationship.

SingedSoul · 02/05/2026 14:27

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 10:57

Sorry, this was a bit of a rushed post. Just to clarify, we don’t live together. I live with my children, who see their dad a couple of nights a week, and he has his own place and has his daughter 50/50.

Leave him.

StuntNun · 02/05/2026 14:29

I’m so sorry that you were raped so comprehensively, three kinds of rape in one evening along with other forms of sexual assault. Please go to the police. If you don’t report it now then you have very little defence if he stalks you and you need to get a restraining order.

berightorbehappy · 02/05/2026 14:31

Thank god you dont live with him . If you can’t go to the police ( let’s be realistic , how many women would want to 😞 ) go to a rape crisis centre so the incident can at least be documented in case he gives you a hard time and you need to get an injunction . You will get support there too. I’m sure this has made you consider many things which might have happened over the last 3 years that weren’t right so LEAVE HIm and never engage with him again . He is capable of anything !

Dery · 02/05/2026 14:34

It’s horrifying to think this guy has care of a child, particularly a daughter.

Dappy777 · 02/05/2026 14:35

ChristAliveHelp · 02/05/2026 10:51

You need to go to the police and report him for rape.

This.

SergeantWrinkles · 02/05/2026 14:38

Christ almighty op no wonder you’re shaken. You might not feel ready to report him to the police yet (although I’d recommend you do), but please contact rape crisis immediately and tell them what you’ve told us. You need support to process what’s happened and you need support to end the relationship. I’m so sorry.

Mrsknowitall · 02/05/2026 14:40

Please log it with the police, there maybe previous logs from other women too. My ex raped me I went to the police and he was put on bail for 6 weeks but there wasn’t enough evidence so was dropped but it is now logged. I had a message from his gf asking if he had ever raped me before because he had started doing it to her but she dropped the charges. So please just get it logged xx

thestudio · 02/05/2026 14:41

I'm so sorry.

Please call the police. It will keep you safer going forward and - although this is not your responsibility - will also stop him doing to other women.

BountifulPantry · 02/05/2026 14:47

You poor woman this is horrific.

Even if you don’t go to the police (you should!) then you need to speak to someone about what happened. A therapist, rape crisis, Samaritans etc.

Please, please speak to them and get some help.

tell me you’ve blocked him and changed your locks too!

OneNewLeader · 02/05/2026 14:48

I’m sorry this happened to you. You deserve so much more from a partner. Plenty of good advice on the thread. Take it.

SonyaLoosemore · 02/05/2026 14:48

You've been raped, OP. If you can't bear to go to the police, ring a domestic violence advice line and get some help about staying safe and keeping this man away from you and your family.

THATsummergirlera · 02/05/2026 14:56

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 10:47

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, I have two sons from a previous relationship, and he has a daughter. A few nights ago, me and my partner were in bed together, and I’m still coming to terms with what happened.

I rolled over and had begun to fall asleep, whilst he was still on his phone. I then felt him touching me and stroking me. He began to try and perform oral sex, but I told him I was tired and I wasn’t in the mood.

I was in a pretty rubbish mood, I had been arguing with my ex about our children (who were with him at the time), and I’d had a colposcopy procedure that day, so I just wanted to sleep.

My partner carried on, under the covers, I pushed his head away. I said I didn’t want to have sex, I was tired, sore etc. Then he got a little more aggressive and started to have sex. I winced and pushed him out, he stuck it back in. I then pushed him away and said no.

He then thrust his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I moved my face away and said no, and then he shoved it in my mouth. It’s a bit of a blur after that, he grabbed my throat multiple times, and started trying to aggressively try kiss me. He told me to call him by my ex’s name. I said no, and continued saying no to him.

He persisted and repeatedly told me to call him by my ex’s name over and over again (he has asked me to call him by other names during sex in the past), all whilst either trying to kiss me or shoving his penis in my face, he asked me to do anal and I said no, then he tried to stick it up there so I quickly moved. I tried to push him off again but couldn’t and he held my arms down. At that point I just started crying silently… I couldn’t help the tears streaming down my face and just lay there. At that point his was masturbating over my chest. He saw I was crying, and said ‘what’re you crying for, I’ll give you something to fucking cry about’ started trying to aggressively kiss me again, and told me to take his cum in my mouth, I said no moving my face away, he said I’ll do it on your chest then. I said no and tried to move out of the way but he was on top of me and then he ejaculated all over me.

I asked him why he’d done that whilst repeatedly telling him no, went straight to the shower and when I’d finished he was asleep.

I ended up leaving, and the day after, I spoke to him and told him he went too far, but he just responded saying he thought I liked it rough.I feel so confused and vulnerable, I haven’t seen him since, and I know that I need to get out of this relationship now. I just needed somewhere to vent this to someone, as I don’t have many people I can turn to. I’ve just done nothing but sit and think about what happened and replayed it in my head.

This is absolutely fucking horrific.

You need to cut him out of your life now and if you feel able report him for rape.

I do get its really hard to get your head around it being rape. My childrens father repeatedly had sex with me when I was asleep / pretending to be asleep after me having said no, so I really do get it.

The most important thing is to keep yourself safe so please cut all contact and it you feel threatened at all contact the police.

BunnyLake · 02/05/2026 14:56

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 10:57

Sorry, this was a bit of a rushed post. Just to clarify, we don’t live together. I live with my children, who see their dad a couple of nights a week, and he has his own place and has his daughter 50/50.

You must leave him! The fact is you are dating a rapist. Now you know you can’t carry on in ignorance. I’d report him as there are children in the mix and that is something that can’t be ignored.💐

user1492757084 · 02/05/2026 15:06

Clearly you were assaulted.
How terrible for you.
Break up with this rapist and report all details of the rape to the local Police. Your report will be there for when you wish to press charges.

GrumpyInsomniac · 02/05/2026 15:09

OP, you’ve been raped. Sadly, many of us have been there, and it’s not as uncommon as it should be for a partner to rape you. The guilt, the blame and any shame should all be on him. You did nothing wrong and you communicated very clearly that you did not consent. As hard as it is to feel it right now, hold onto that and remind yourself as often as you need to that this was not your fault.

The way he treated you is horrific on many levels, but what worries me even more than the act itself is him grabbing you by the throat. The statistics are clear that once a man has started choking a woman, they often go on to commit even more serious violence, not ‘just’ rape.

Not only do you need to end the relationship - and I am relieved to see you don’t live together - you need to be conscious that ending the relationship can also cause such men to act out further. So if you can find it in you, please report this to the police, because if nothing else you need a log in case he decides that he won’t accept your decision to break things off and you find yourself needing a restraining order. Even if you’re undecided about the police right now, check for any bruising, grazing or other injuries and make sure you have a photographic record of them so that you keep your options open and have evidence if you need it down the line.

Do you have a friend who can come with you as support? Or come round and support you for a home interview with police? You need to protect yourself as best you can from this man.

Whatever decision you make, please reach out to Rape Crisis and/or Victim Support. You’ve experienced something hugely traumatic and you’re in shock. I’m sorry for being all practical. I have been there, and while we all cope differently, having things to do helped me. Maybe it will help you. But please make sure that you have support, whatever you do. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

80s · 02/05/2026 15:13

Sorry that this happened to you OP.
If you report this to the police, that means you are taking matters into your own hands and may help with the vulnerable feelings of someone who could not do anything about it at the time.
There may already be other women out there, who may even have spoken to the police about him. And there may be women in future. The more the police know about him, the more seriously women will be taken.

getsomehelp · 02/05/2026 15:13

This is the clearest case of rape that I have ever read on here.
You are confused because he assaulted you & you are in trauma
He raped you.

Applett · 02/05/2026 15:15

Jesus christ what have i read?
You have been violently raped.

You poor poor woman.
Please go to the police and tell them what happened.

No way is that the first time he has violently raped a woman.

Coconutter24 · 02/05/2026 15:16

He’s never done anything like this before, however, there has been instances in the past where he has gotten a bit rough during sex, but I’ve just ignored it

That’s a contradiction there, you say he’s never done anything like this before (please don’t tell yourself that as an excuse to make you feel better about going back to him! You did the right thing leaving) yet in the same sentence you tell us about instances he has been rough, if you hadn’t of ignored that he probably would have done what he did this time. It only hasn’t escalated on the past because you ignored it.

Redruby2020 · 02/05/2026 15:16

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 10:57

Sorry, this was a bit of a rushed post. Just to clarify, we don’t live together. I live with my children, who see their dad a couple of nights a week, and he has his own place and has his daughter 50/50.

Thank goodness. Do not let him in your home again.
I think you really need to speak to someone about what you have been through, rape line etc, and please consider reporting him to the police, this is absolutely terrible what he has done, do not let him get away with it.
I know you will be in shock and lots of thoughts and feelings at the moment, and that is completely normal.
His poor daughter too, having a father like that 🥹

WilfredsPies · 02/05/2026 15:16

I’m so sorry he has done this to you. That wasn’t sex, that was rape. This man is a danger to you and has been escalating his abuse, please don’t ever agree to be alone with him again. Also, I completely understand that reporting him to the police is a huge thing and that, although I think you should, I understand why you might not want to. I would urge you to contact Rape Crisis though. You need support. Confidential and safe support.

lornad00m · 02/05/2026 15:18

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 10:57

Sorry, this was a bit of a rushed post. Just to clarify, we don’t live together. I live with my children, who see their dad a couple of nights a week, and he has his own place and has his daughter 50/50.

The fact that you don't live together is a blessing.

Please consider contacting Rape Crisis. I think you should report this to the Police asap. For the sake of potential victims in the future.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. 💐

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