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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner ignored repeated no during sex and I feel deeply shaken **Content Warning - non-consensual sex"

428 replies

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 10:47

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, I have two sons from a previous relationship, and he has a daughter. A few nights ago, me and my partner were in bed together, and I’m still coming to terms with what happened.

I rolled over and had begun to fall asleep, whilst he was still on his phone. I then felt him touching me and stroking me. He began to try and perform oral sex, but I told him I was tired and I wasn’t in the mood.

I was in a pretty rubbish mood, I had been arguing with my ex about our children (who were with him at the time), and I’d had a colposcopy procedure that day, so I just wanted to sleep.

My partner carried on, under the covers, I pushed his head away. I said I didn’t want to have sex, I was tired, sore etc. Then he got a little more aggressive and started to have sex. I winced and pushed him out, he stuck it back in. I then pushed him away and said no.

He then thrust his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I moved my face away and said no, and then he shoved it in my mouth. It’s a bit of a blur after that, he grabbed my throat multiple times, and started trying to aggressively try kiss me. He told me to call him by my ex’s name. I said no, and continued saying no to him.

He persisted and repeatedly told me to call him by my ex’s name over and over again (he has asked me to call him by other names during sex in the past), all whilst either trying to kiss me or shoving his penis in my face, he asked me to do anal and I said no, then he tried to stick it up there so I quickly moved. I tried to push him off again but couldn’t and he held my arms down. At that point I just started crying silently… I couldn’t help the tears streaming down my face and just lay there. At that point his was masturbating over my chest. He saw I was crying, and said ‘what’re you crying for, I’ll give you something to fucking cry about’ started trying to aggressively kiss me again, and told me to take his cum in my mouth, I said no moving my face away, he said I’ll do it on your chest then. I said no and tried to move out of the way but he was on top of me and then he ejaculated all over me.

I asked him why he’d done that whilst repeatedly telling him no, went straight to the shower and when I’d finished he was asleep.

I ended up leaving, and the day after, I spoke to him and told him he went too far, but he just responded saying he thought I liked it rough.I feel so confused and vulnerable, I haven’t seen him since, and I know that I need to get out of this relationship now. I just needed somewhere to vent this to someone, as I don’t have many people I can turn to. I’ve just done nothing but sit and think about what happened and replayed it in my head.

OP posts:
Zov · 02/05/2026 13:53

That's absolutely awful, I'm so sorry @Treacletarttt

As has been said, this is sexual assault and rape, please report this to the police, and never see this man again. Flowers

ThatMauveMaker · 02/05/2026 13:53

Sorry this happened to you. Please go to the police. He will do it again, if not to you, then someone else. Please prevent that. And maybe put in a Claire's Law request.

Lifeomars · 02/05/2026 13:54

I am so sorry that you have been raped and sexually assaulted, what a devastating thing to happen. Do you feel able to report this to the police, I appreciate that this may not be something you want to do at this moment in time. I hope that there is at least one person you can talk to in real life who can support you whatever you decide to do now and in the future.

Petrie999 · 02/05/2026 13:55

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 13:46

I don’t know if I can face going to the police. Everything is a blur at the minute. I think I’ve tried to mentally block some of it out.

He’s never done anything like this before, however, there has been instances in the past where he has gotten a bit rough during sex, but I’ve just ignored it, and he can inappropriate out in public when the kids aren’t with us. We could just be walking round a shop and he’ll just say things like ‘take your pants off now’ or try and touch me down there, or ask me to feel him. I’ve told him over and over there’s a time and a place. Sometimes, he starts sulking, saying I’m not attracted to him or I don’t want him etc, or says things like he wants/loves me more than I want him because he’s constantly wanting to touch me, but I don’t. This has made me question things in the past and we’ve had arguments about it, but the other night just shook me up.

This behaviour is a risk and increases the likelihood of him doing it again. It indicates an unusually high sexual preoccupation, a perception of entitlement to your body and sex when and how he wants it, and a difficulty controlling his sexual arousal. He has now overcome the inhibition that would stop him from actually assaulting you and there is no suggestion of remorse. Please keep yourself safe and stay away from him. If you feel able to report him (and i understand why you may not), do. Even if you dont proceed, it will then be recorded.

DuskOPorter · 02/05/2026 13:55

That is a pattern of behaviour @Treacletarttt a pattern he is in an escalation phase with. You need to protect yourself and your children from this man. He is a rapist. You and every woman out there deserve better than being partnered with a rapist.

Mumofoneandone · 02/05/2026 14:02

Police if you can manage it. Try and talk to a close friend if you can who could support you with this.
He's sexually assaulted and raped you.
His behaviour before is emotional abuse/ cohesive control.
I'm glad you don't live with him.
Block him and don't stay in this relationship.
Lots of love and look after yourself

Charlenedickens · 02/05/2026 14:04

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 13:46

I don’t know if I can face going to the police. Everything is a blur at the minute. I think I’ve tried to mentally block some of it out.

He’s never done anything like this before, however, there has been instances in the past where he has gotten a bit rough during sex, but I’ve just ignored it, and he can inappropriate out in public when the kids aren’t with us. We could just be walking round a shop and he’ll just say things like ‘take your pants off now’ or try and touch me down there, or ask me to feel him. I’ve told him over and over there’s a time and a place. Sometimes, he starts sulking, saying I’m not attracted to him or I don’t want him etc, or says things like he wants/loves me more than I want him because he’s constantly wanting to touch me, but I don’t. This has made me question things in the past and we’ve had arguments about it, but the other night just shook me up.

I’m not hearing you say you will end it or have done. What I am hearing is you repeatedly ignoring red flags.

it’s going to keel escalating op, it’s going to get a lot worse and he’s going to hurt you, he’s going to hurt you really badly.

if you can’t end it for your sake, end it for your children’s. But do it now. Then block him,

Bringmebacktothe90s · 02/05/2026 14:04

Please phone the police. He is a rapist. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please please phone the police

ThisJadeBear · 02/05/2026 14:05

TheGardenRose · 02/05/2026 13:49

This sounds familiar to another recent thread. Have you posted about him before?

There are a couple of other threads apart from this one about the same issue, but OP here isn’t married and I hope she gets away.

Daleksatemyshed · 02/05/2026 14:05

He sounds like he gets off on trying to be sexual when you've said no or in inappropriate places Op, worse still I'd be very surprised if this is the first time he's raped a woman. If you could bring yourself to speak to the police I think you'd find this isn't a first offence. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, he's a disgusting excuse for a man

ThisJadeBear · 02/05/2026 14:06

Even if you can’t go to the police @Treacletarttt please get some real life support and get this man out of your life.
You are in a strong position as you don’t live together, there are no ties.
His behaviour will only escalate if you stay.

Bestfootforward11 · 02/05/2026 14:08

Please never go back to him. He has committed several criminal offences against you. You are not safe with him. Please tell someone you trust close to you and get practical support.

ScaredButUnavoidable · 02/05/2026 14:10

What the fuck have I just read?

Well I say that, but I actually couldn’t bring myself to read all of it.

What an absolute monster.

I am terrified on your behalf and I am so, so sorry you had to go through that.

You must never, ever see that man again.

He needs reporting, he sounds incredibly dangerous.

RunningJo · 02/05/2026 14:11

Please do not see this man again. That was horrible to read and I’m so sorry you went through that.

If there is a risk he has a key to your house, change the locks. What he did to you was rape. There were no blurred lines, you said no, repeatedly.

I’m so sorry this happened to you, please talk to someone about this, preferably the police. As PP have suggested l, do a Clare’s Law search too. I’d be amazed if this was the first time he’s behaved like this.

I’m so glad he doesn’t live with you, I hope you have friends and family that can help you through this, I hope you feel you can report it too.

MJFEB2026 · 02/05/2026 14:12

Jesus Christ that’s fucking terrible! I’d report him to the police. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Inertia · 02/05/2026 14:13

This is very harrowing to read - I can’t imagine how distressed you must feel.

He has committed rape and sexual assault. He has also set out to maximise the physical and mental pain he could inflict, knowing you were in pain following a medical procedure and distressed about your ex.

He has escalated an already abusive situation to serious violent and sexual crime.

It’s understandable that you are reluctant to go to the police, and that you want to try and bury the distress. However, please bear in mind that men like this don’t just give up and hide. You should consider that he might make accusations against you first, so that when you try to then report the rape and defend yourself he can accuse you of revenge. There is a risk that he will continue to harass you. You should consider asking the police about how you can put steps in place to keep him away.

Please consider speaking to a rape crisis support service, so they can advise you about how to protect yourself.

FaceIt · 02/05/2026 14:14

He's VILE and DANGEROUS.
He wants mutual groping in public as well, Jesus.
Get rid of him before he gets really dangerous (what he did was serious enough).
I bet you don't know half the reason his ex got rid of him.

MrsPicklesToBe · 02/05/2026 14:15

Woah! You said he never done it before was the anal another time or the same time?? Sounds like multiple times he’s assaulted and raped you. Def go to police or even do a Sarah’s law on him and report it.

rwalker · 02/05/2026 14:16

It’s extremely clear cut what happened goes with say
block and no contact
the next steps are up to you you don’t have to go straight in to the police speak to a support line get your options then decide the in right way forward is the path you want to follow

Happyjoe · 02/05/2026 14:18

It's rape and sexual assault. You need to report him and dump him. Am sorry. If you stay with him, he may take that as a green light for more. Am really sorry this happened to you, by someone you trusted too.

Please tell a friend, a parent too and hope they can support you.

asdbaybeeee · 02/05/2026 14:19

what you describe is rape . It sounds like he’s been testing the boundaries for a while and has now got to this stage. It will get worse that is a guarantee. You need to walk away now for your safety and I would think about going to the police or getting help from a womens charity or rape crisis

MeridianB · 02/05/2026 14:20

Agree with everyone else. He raped, sexually and physically assaulted you. He is dangerous and you shouldn’t think twice about getting him out of your life immediately. If you don’t, he WILL do this again, probably worse.

Please try to find the courage to report him. The strangulation is a hugely dangerous sign of his risk to you. Perhaps start by telling the police this and ask for support to disclose the rape.

You and your children deserve better. ♥️

Stoneycold12 · 02/05/2026 14:21

Thank goodness he isn't living with you- makes ending it so much easier. You have to tell him it's over now, there's no coming back from this.

It's your decision if you go to the police, but definately please seek support and advice on taking it further from a local rape crisis/domestic abuse group.

None of this was your fault, he's a disgusting violent creep.

Frugalgal · 02/05/2026 14:21

Treacletarttt · 02/05/2026 10:47

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, I have two sons from a previous relationship, and he has a daughter. A few nights ago, me and my partner were in bed together, and I’m still coming to terms with what happened.

I rolled over and had begun to fall asleep, whilst he was still on his phone. I then felt him touching me and stroking me. He began to try and perform oral sex, but I told him I was tired and I wasn’t in the mood.

I was in a pretty rubbish mood, I had been arguing with my ex about our children (who were with him at the time), and I’d had a colposcopy procedure that day, so I just wanted to sleep.

My partner carried on, under the covers, I pushed his head away. I said I didn’t want to have sex, I was tired, sore etc. Then he got a little more aggressive and started to have sex. I winced and pushed him out, he stuck it back in. I then pushed him away and said no.

He then thrust his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I moved my face away and said no, and then he shoved it in my mouth. It’s a bit of a blur after that, he grabbed my throat multiple times, and started trying to aggressively try kiss me. He told me to call him by my ex’s name. I said no, and continued saying no to him.

He persisted and repeatedly told me to call him by my ex’s name over and over again (he has asked me to call him by other names during sex in the past), all whilst either trying to kiss me or shoving his penis in my face, he asked me to do anal and I said no, then he tried to stick it up there so I quickly moved. I tried to push him off again but couldn’t and he held my arms down. At that point I just started crying silently… I couldn’t help the tears streaming down my face and just lay there. At that point his was masturbating over my chest. He saw I was crying, and said ‘what’re you crying for, I’ll give you something to fucking cry about’ started trying to aggressively kiss me again, and told me to take his cum in my mouth, I said no moving my face away, he said I’ll do it on your chest then. I said no and tried to move out of the way but he was on top of me and then he ejaculated all over me.

I asked him why he’d done that whilst repeatedly telling him no, went straight to the shower and when I’d finished he was asleep.

I ended up leaving, and the day after, I spoke to him and told him he went too far, but he just responded saying he thought I liked it rough.I feel so confused and vulnerable, I haven’t seen him since, and I know that I need to get out of this relationship now. I just needed somewhere to vent this to someone, as I don’t have many people I can turn to. I’ve just done nothing but sit and think about what happened and replayed it in my head.

You were raped.

He raped you.

Sometimes, when it's someone you know, it even your partner, it can be hard to accept that. You try unconsciously to rationalise it. Was it really actually rape or just rough? Did he somehow think I wanted it? Am I making too big a deal of it?

NO!!!

This is rape. If you were walking home at night and a stranger jumped out of the dark and did exactly what he did to you what would you call it?? Rape.

I get it is very difficult to think about going to the police. But you can report it so it is on the record and not have them proceed with the case or do a physical exam. Photograph any bruises.

The reason this is important is because what has happened is clearly and very dangerously a pattern of escalating behaviour. If you don't end it, he will see this as acceptance or willingness to tolerate his behaviour. He may even tell himself you liked it, although he absolutely doesn't care whether you do or not.

Asking you to call him by your ex's name during sex is a red flag. Something very twisted is going on inside his head.

End the relationship and tell him you've reported him to the police. Tell him if he ever contacts you again you will press charges and you will put it all over social media that he is a rapist.

Never let him near you again because I promise you, the next time will be even worse.

The best possible thing you could do would be to report it. Then, if he ever comes near you again, it is already on record.

MabelAnderson · 02/05/2026 14:22

ChristAliveHelp · 02/05/2026 10:51

You need to go to the police and report him for rape.

This.
Horrific. I am so sorry this was done to you.

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