Telling boyfriend before abortion

[Grghf]

I screwed up the contraception. We've been together a year long distance (seeing each other twice a month). Supposed to be moving in together in 2 months time.
Ive made an appointment for a medical abortion but I want to tell him first. I just feel sad like somethings changed. I wonder if he will see me differently now. Im scared to get the abortion.

Why?

Are you secretly hoping he'll talk you out of it?

You need to work out why you want an abortion first.
If you are completely against having this baby but think you may have a child with DP in the future you are possibly making the wrong decision- they will always be missing an older sibling, you will always be missing your eldest child.
if you plan to continue the relationship with DP I would involve him in the decision
Ultimately it’s your body and up to you, but getting pregnant when you want to be may not be easy
Be clear in your own mind first

They’ve only been together a year long distance. It’s way too early to know whether they want each other as the parents of their children IMO.

🙄🙄🙄🙄 “your body your choice, but here let me guilt trip you into keeping the baby”.

you should feel able to speak to your boyfriend about this. If you don’t feel able, then he is not someone you should be having a child with.

I dont want to be haunted by a secret if it ever comes up for some reason later down the line.

Also, we have both always been on the fence about whether we want children or not. This has made me realise that while I could be persuaded to have a baby if the man i loved really wanted that, I dont want it enough to have one alone or even lightly push for it. In other words I feel like this pregnancy has resolved something for me. Maybe it can give him clarity too.

Wow. What a load of nonsense. OP won’t be ‘missing her eldest child’. Stop with the emotional manipulation.

This has made me realise that while I could be persuaded to have a baby if the man i loved really wanted that, I dont want it enough to have one alone

That is a very valid reason. I wish you luck

"If you are completely against having this baby but think you may have a child with DP in the future you are possibly making the wrong decision" @Wreckinball

That's not logical at all. It's not a given that not wanting a baby now means you should if you might want one in the future. We make decisions based on the here and now, especially something like this.

Op are you worried he will judge you for your decision? Of course it is your decision - it's your body so you are the only one who gets a say in this.
You are not doing anything wrong. You are not doing anything that you should feel shame or guilt or embarrassment for. It is natural to feel emotional but you deserve loving empathy especially from your bf.
If he can't give you that, is he the person for you?
I guess kkyou have the opportunity to allow him to support you, if you tell him beforehand.

Do you have any trusted loving family or friend who could support you, come with you on the day so you are less scared?

Sorry but You shouldn’t need persuading to have a baby
don’t tell him

Why not?
I dont think its weird at all to think that the only context in which you would want a kid is one where youre in a loving relationship and the father of the child really wants to be a father.
My own father was a complete deadbeat, maybe that colours my view.
I have a lot of respect for single mums but I would not want to actively embark on that path, thats just my view. It strikes me as a rewarding one but also an extremely tough gig, and Im not prepared to put myself through that.

Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it. I dont have anyone who can come with me but I will make sure I have friends and family on standby by phone.

I guess what Im struggling with is the finality of this because of my age. Im 40. Hes 39. I know deep down inside me that after this abortion, thats it for me. Im not going to be a mother. When I say those words out loud, Im fine with it. But I guess no matter what the logic is, its inevitable you will feel a little sadness about a path not taken. Im a bit confused because I feel a lot of things but at the same time strangely numb. When I think about going through with the pregnancy I feel fear and sadness. When I think about terminating I feel relief and sadness. I feel some shame too: that I was so stupid with the contraception (it was "just one time" but of course I know thats all it takes. I just thought my age was against me). I feel ungrateful, because I know a few people who have fertility issues and here I am throwing away what they are just praying for. Im scared that he will be angry with me for messing up, and that also this will be a big heavy serious black cloud when we were still in the fun breezy days of our relationship and it will kind of tarnish his view of me. I know thats immature of me though and also that if he DID think that way he would obviously not be a good un.

I guess I need to do this in steps. Tell him, then come home, and have a few days by myself before I go to the clinic. And look into the counselling they offer.

I feel some shame too: that I was so stupid with the contraception (it was "just one time" but of course I know thats all it takes.

Sorry but this makes me think the contraception is condoms. If so, you didn’t screw that up alone; you both did. He is equally responsible and I don’t think it’s right that you are suffering through this alone while he is in blissful ignorance of the consequences of his actions.

If you missed a pill, I’d be concerned that you couldn’t say to him ‘Oh I had a stomach bug so we’ll have to go careful this week and use additional / do other stuff’. Is he generally judgemental, you mention this fear a couple of times?

Regardless of the method…

Personally in an established relationship like this, about to move in together, I would tell him. I’d want the support. I would personally have the abortion, FWIW.

I wonder if your worried he might try and persuade you to keep the baby. You seem to have learned you don’t want children after all. This could be the catalyst that ends the relationship if it shows you actually want different things. Is that really why you don’t want to tell him?

Wishing you strength either way.

You'll bleed for weeks after and may have some very strong emotions to deal with. You'll have to hide all this from him. Abortion isn't a quick in and out, all done and forgotten job like people think it is I'm afraid.

No its worse than that. Ive been using the rhythm method for over a decade now and ive been absolutely meticulous about it.
He knows this.
I always made sure we didnt see each other anywhere near ovulation/fertile window.
This time around, one night I knew it was dangerously close to being the wrong time, but I went ahead with it anyway, thinking the chances were extremely slim.

I feel guilty and sick to my stomach that I was so irresponsible and that I will now pay the price with a heavy medical intervention on my body.
I feel scared that when I tell him this hes going to be angry that I wasnt in control of the calendar calculations the way I said I was. Its not even that I miscalculated - its that I threw caution to the wind.

You are worrying that his view of you will be tarnished, but it is more likely that your view of him will become tarnished. If you don't tell him, you will probably resent him and start to go off him. If you do tell him and you don't like his response, you will probably resent him and start to go off him.

If you are planning to move in together you should tell him. If the relationship isn't robust enough for this, it probably won't last anyway.

He threw caution to the wind the minute he agreed to this method, so he isn't really in a position to judge.

I agree with this.

Whatever reasons you have for not telling your boyfriend that you're going to have an abortion, shame should not be one of them! And you'll need to discuss with him using a more reliable form of contraception in the future - at the very least condoms - to prevent it happening again in the future.

I feel you must tell him. How could you not?

This is potentially your only opportunity to have a child. That’s a pretty big deal. Talk to him and make sure you’re both on the same page.

I always made sure we didnt see each other anywhere near ovulation/fertile window.

How well do you actually know this man who you are considering having children with if you’ve only known him for a year and you keep him at distance for up to half that time?

When I think about going through with the pregnancy I feel fear and sadness. When I think about terminating I feel relief and sadness.

Oh OP, I want to change my answer. DO NOT TELL HIM! Listen to your internal voice as it's telling you loud and clear to have this abortion. You don't need any guilt tripping, from him or us, just listen to that voice inside you.

As an aside - If this man is angry at you for being pregnant when he didn't use a condom then he isn't a good man, and certainly not one to spend your life with. You should never be frightened at the thought of incurring anger from a loving and supportive partner. Are you scared that he isn't actually the right man but you are scared of being alone as you get older?

Edit for spelling

It is totally not true that it has to be emotionally problematic. 🙄

I know a lot of pro-lifers like to make out it will 100% mentally scar you for life.

I agree. The only thing I felt after mine was relief. I didn’t feel
sad or guilty.

If you decide to terminate then I think you should accept that's it. So you do need to understand that your chance of having a child has probably gone, however I would suggest that you still get some more reliable contraception.
If you don't tell him about the termination then you might have to think of an excuse not to see him for a while and, if you do get contraception why you have changed your mind on that. So you need to think of lots of things,including whether your partner does want children, so he can make decisions too.

This is simply scaremongering. There is no evidence that abortion affects your future chances at getting pregnant.