Telling boyfriend before abortion

[Grghf]

I screwed up the contraception. We've been together a year long distance (seeing each other twice a month). Supposed to be moving in together in 2 months time.
Ive made an appointment for a medical abortion but I want to tell him first. I just feel sad like somethings changed. I wonder if he will see me differently now. Im scared to get the abortion.

Why would you do that to him?

It’s his child and he’s potentially going to be very sad and upset about it. If you have no intention of keeping it if he wants it - why would you involve him at all?

Quite possibly a chemical pregnancy then. It didn’t stick and your period will be along shortly. The hormones have faded off.

What? Im sure there could be complicated emotions for him to deal with - the same ones a woman has to deal with, on top of her physical consequences. He isnt a child. I dont understand this perspective.

Ive had really sore boobs and classic PMS symptoms for a week (normally I only get this for 2 days before my period starts), the only difference with PMS is this insane fatigue.

Is it possible to get a false negative?

I am going to buy a two pack of the more expensive digital tests today, I will do one this afternoon and one tonorrow morning. I just want a sure answer either way.

Agree. He's a grown man.

yes. He gets to be told ‘by the way we made a baby, but I’m getting shut of it and you don’t get a say’.

Then he’ll be told that he has no right to an opinion on the matter, that it’s ’not his body’, and that the only acceptable response he can give (because he’s not allowed an opinion or emotions) is to be supportive.

It’s just cruel.

If you aren't pregnant and/or it's a chemical pregnancy, then please get more reliable contraception. You really don't need to have this constant worry.

Thats absolute bullshit. Did you even read my posts? I clearly said the whole point of telling him was a) not to have secrets and b) allow him to potentially shape what happens next through conversation.

What's cruel is how a night of sex means I potentially have to go and get the contents of my womb eradicated and spend a few weeks bleeding, while he just potters around living his normal life. THATS cruel.

This is grossly infantilising the man. I doubt he would thank you for it.

I would talk to him in your position OP. Like you I wouldn't want the secret from someone I saw a future with. He had equal input into making the baby, he should be supporting you with whatever you do if he's a good partner.

It’s actually incredibly cruel of you to say that to the OP. Can you stop for a second and imagine what she is going through, or are you one of those who throws a woman under a bus at any opportunity because god forbid we don’t put the man first in any and all situations?

Preg tests should always be done with first morning pew as that's when hormone levels are highest

Yep and thats what I did this morning however everything ive read says that at 7 days late, by this stage I should now have those hormone levels very blatantly irrespective of time of day if pregnant

I find this a bit off tbh. Totally pro choice. But it's his possible child too. She should be honest and let chips fall where they may.

False negatives are possible but false positives are very unlikely - do another test!

IF you are pregnant...

Make up your own mind about having an abortion. Without consulting him. You are in a shaky, early-stages relationship: even if he said, Great! I've always wanted dc! Let's get married and raise a baby. - you couldn't trust him. He could change his mind and walk at any moment - you don't know him well enough to even know how likely that is.

You said you do not want to launch headfirst into being a single mother. So don't.

Decision made, you can inform him before, after or never. There's no wrong choice, all options make sense from one perspective or another.

If you do want a longterm relationship with him, I'd tell him before. But be prepared for anything in terms of his response. Also be aware that some men can use this kind of information in vengence.

He was a grown man having unprotected sex - that you are pregnant should surprise no one. He's as responsible as you.

It's tough decisions, OP. And you need to make them with limited information. I hope it all goes as well as it can for you.

Even if this is a chemical pregnancy, it's had an impact on how you view having children. If you think you potentially would like children, if you see a future with this man, I'd still sit him down and talk to him. The conversation still needs to happen.

"I tested pregnant on Wednesday, I know we were pretty set on staying child free and I have booked an abortion but I'm having second thoughts and may want to continue the pregnancy, can we talk about it?"

"I tested pregnant on Wednesday. It was a chemical pregnancy but it surprised me how sad I was when ... it made me think maybe I want to have kids more than I thought ... how do you feel about that"

Yes at 7 days late, it’s irrelevant what time of day the test was done. If you were pregnant, it would be positive pretty much immediately 7 days late.

If you don’t feel 100% that you want to do it, stop and take a bit of time to think it through. If it’s what you want you’ll be ok, if you’re not certain you’ll forever e haunted by it. I am and it’s over 20 years now

False positives with a digital test are not rare. If it's inconclusive the result will show a positive. I found this out the hard way and was told by a doctor that they see this quite frequently with digital tests.

What kind of test did you actually take?

Well in that case you definitely shouldn't tell him. At least not until afterwards, anyway. But preferably not at all.

I honestly don't see the point, or the benefit to either of you, if your mind is made up about the outcome. If he's upset about you having a termination he's going to be upset whether you tell him before or afterwards. Why put yourself in a position where you have to do it knowing full well he doesn't want you to? I don't know what you think it's going to achieve.

It does sound as if you might be pregnant if you are never usually late. At the same time, if you were tense about the contraception issue, that could be a reason.

I would involve him in this because it's happened, it's real life and you hope to have a future together. You haven't tried to trap him so he has nothing to be angry about, really. If one mistake is what he fixates on when you're so anxious, it would say a lot about him.

If he really does want to be a dad, and you are then happy to have a child with him, I think this is the opportunity given your age. Unless you could quite happily live with fertility struggles in a year or two.

The fact that you're not sharing it with him makes me think that it doesn't seem very real to you. I don't think you should make a decision until it does at least feel real.

I don't think the fun part of your relationship is going to be over if you share this but it might be if you don't.

You should feel under no obligation to stay pregnant. If you don't want to have a baby now and he does, I would accept the possibility that the relationship will not survive. I don't think he deserves to know as such but I do think it's too big a secret to keep within an ongoing relationship.

With all that said, I think you'd be taking a risk to have a baby in such a young relationship. Make sure there are no red flags. You would be tied to him forever.

There is nothing “staggering” about telling a woman it’s up to her what she does with her own body and that nobody else has a right to a say.

If you genuinely find what I’ve said staggering, you must lead a very sheltered life or you’re resorting to hyperbole to try and shut down a discussion