Telling boyfriend before abortion

[Grghf]

I screwed up the contraception. We've been together a year long distance (seeing each other twice a month). Supposed to be moving in together in 2 months time.
Ive made an appointment for a medical abortion but I want to tell him first. I just feel sad like somethings changed. I wonder if he will see me differently now. Im scared to get the abortion.

That wasn't the point I was making. As the OP is 40 she is reaching the point where conceiving becomes more difficult. Clearly she would not be aiming to try to conceive immediately after a termination. So if she did think in a couple of years that she would like to try then that ship might have sailed. I'm making a factual point that fertility does tail off, despite many people saying that they have given birth in their 40s. Just for reference, I did, but I didn't consider it to be a given that it would happen .

You're absolutely right. Please accept my apologise for jumping to the wrong conclusion. I should have paid better attention to OP's follow-up posts.

Tell him, see what he says and then go from
there. Hope you’re doing okay.

For many, it absolutely is actually. I bled for a few days and that was it, it was a quick, in and out and I don't regret it for even a second.

Absolutely this.

It is your body.
It is your choice.

but you should tell him.

Is seeing someone about 24 times in a year a committed relationship?!

your body, your choice.

Whilst I agree to an extent the difference is OP knew it was a bigger risk than usual and didn’t tell him if she had then he could of made the decision to carry on or use a condom but would of been aware of the bigger risk

Of course you can tell him, he is your boyfriend and can offer you support. Sending hugs to you OP, sorry you’re going through this.

I would tell him ,that way you both make the decision, it is ultimately up to you but like you say it could mess up your long term relationship if you have to keep this secret especially if it ever comes out.
if you both decide to keep the baby will he disappear in the future and you’re left with a baby you didn’t completely want ?
You have a lot of things to think about but for your peace of mind I think you need to tell him and get his support . Good luck and big hugs.

If he's angry then hes not the man for you. He could have taken control himself and used condoms, instead hes relied a pretty dodgy method so he could enjoy the experience more. You have nothing to feel guilty about, it was an accident, it happens, you are no more to blame than he is and youre the one suffering the consequences, so he has nothing to be angry about.

It doesn’t have to be emotionally problematic at all but it is also worth considering that it might be for OP and how she intends to navigate any physical
and emotional consequences if she’s also keeping things hidden from her partner.

And I’m not a pro-lifer - I just think it’s as dangerous to suggest it won’t be emotionally challenging as to suggest it always will be. Knowing the range of outcomes is the most helpful way forward

I definitely would not tell him, if you already decided.
That's just speaking for myself.

Oh bollocks will she. For many, many women it's straightforward and they move on without regrets.

OP, don't pay any attention to the manipulative nonsense. You don't want to have a child right now so you absolutely shouldn't.

I wouldn't bring it up, personally, and certainly not until you know how the relationship is going longer term. It's not his business, it's yours.

The fact you haven’t discussed it with him already would make me question the relationship and whether or not making it more serious is the right thing. That means you decide whether or not you want a child and make that the basis of your decision.

Right, and what about all the emotional turmoil having a baby brings? Don't you want to remind her of that too?

But she may. It’s a possibility and it’s good to plan in case.
Some have more physical consequences than others, some have more emotional consequences than others. OP needs to prepare so she can get the support she needs, if she needs it.

Otherwise she may find herself desperate for pads a someone to do a load of washing, making excuses to keep him away, or be surprised by unexpected emotional reactions that could be purely hormonal or could be connected to her life circumstances.

better not to be caught out, whichever way it goes.

I think you should tell him but make your position really clear that you want to end the pregnancy. If he pressures you to keep the baby when you've told him this then I don't think he's a good partner.

It also absolutely doesn't mean it's the last time you could get pregnant. If you decided in a year or two from now to try again it is still likely you could get pregnant.

I think that if you are worrying whether to tell him about an unplanned pregnancy and potential abortion, then contemplating moving in together should be the thing to be concerned about.

You’ve only met up 20 - 25 times? In a non- LDR that would equate to maybe a couple of months of dating?

Don’t want to derail the thread btw!

@Grghf at 40 I think if you wanted a child you'd go ahead regardless and work it out single or together.
The fact that you clearly don't is the decision. If you tell your DP he may or may not be happy with the decision and it might end the relationship but there's no guarantees anyway.

Is it really so strange to only be interested in having a child if the father in question is super excited to do it?
Thats not a rhetorical question btw im genuinely wondering whether my attitude is abnormal.

The rhythm method is roughly 75% effective. It’s certainly not a foolproof method of contraception. At your age I used the withdrawal method and luckily didn’t get pregnant but used MAP a few times. Still what’s done is done.

So is he or has he never been super excited to have a child, with you?

If you do tell him too, there’s a chance he might not want to move in with you. So you’d have to decide what you want more.

I think you could risk becoming very resentful about having a child if you’re only doing it to make your partner happy. It’s not an easy thing to do.

No, it’s not an abnormal attitude.

As this site shows, raising a child when both parents totally wanted it is hard enough and doing it when one is not that bothered can end up as a real shit show.