Telling boyfriend before abortion

[Grghf]

I screwed up the contraception. We've been together a year long distance (seeing each other twice a month). Supposed to be moving in together in 2 months time.
Ive made an appointment for a medical abortion but I want to tell him first. I just feel sad like somethings changed. I wonder if he will see me differently now. Im scared to get the abortion.

Surely in a relationship like this you should be both responsible for contraception. Did you both test for STIs.

Not sure the rhythm method is a reliable form of contraception

And that’s before you even get into whether he will leave you in the lurch. This relationship is really quite untested OP, you haven’t even lived together yet.

Both partners should want the child.

My husband was super excited but I wasn't so sure.

His super excitement dwindled when i needed help with sleepless nights, extra pads and nappies being bought, teething, pick ups from childminders etc. I was left literally holding the baby while he kept his single life despite being married.

YOU have to be the one who is super excited as it will be your life that's blown apart.

Stop projecting. Women do this all the time with zero regret

Absolutely your body your choice. But if you are considering a life with him then it’s worth considering that you will need to keep any future gynalogical medical info private from him. One of the things we’re asked as women if, say, we have to have a procedure like a hysteroscopy, is how many pregnancies we’ve had, whether it led to a live birth and so on. I’ve had to answer this question at various times over the last 40 years and I’ve never made a secret of having a termination in my teens.

I don’t keep any secrets from my partner. Especially not medical stuff because in extremis he is the person I want supporting me.

it’s worth examining why you don’t want to tell him. If you really think you’d feel ashamed you need to examine that feeling is it’s his fault as much as yours. Are you slightly concerned that he wouldn’t want you to have a termination?
you need to get your head around this as if you live together and fancy each other you’ll have sex at various times and are at far higher risk of pregnancy. I can’t recommend Mirena highly enough. Doesn’t work for everyone but when it does, forget about it for 5-7 years, next to no periods and a smoother sail in to the menopause.

lastly if you do have a termination just bear in mind it could be anything from an afternoon of bleeding and moving on with your life, to much longer bleeding and temporary depression as pregnancy hormones leave your body.

you do sound like you really want this procedure I think the issue here is the boyfriend and your approach. Maybe have a chat with a therapist about it if you need more clarity.

good luck.

Not remotely strange IMHO. I am recently separated from my husband and father to my two DC and am very clear in my own mind that the only circumstance in which I'm having any more kids is if a future partner is very very keen. I wish I'd come to that conclusion before having kids at all...!

The rhythm method

.. jezzooo
Sigh

That gin is hitting hard

This
Sadly there are a lot of married single parents
Dad loves the fun stuff not all the bits in-between

When it comes to big decisions like this I always consider if I'd be happy with my choice in 5/10 years. Relief now and things staying the same might still lead to regret later, or maybe it won't 🤷‍♀️ I'd tell him and have the conversation as it might change things.

Sorry but the rhythm method is ridiculous

YES!!!
because men don't have to do all the unpleasant parts of child rearing
They get praise for doing bare minimum
They can walk away at any time

Girl if you think your man saying 'i want a baby' will 'protect' you from being a single mum, you're in for a rude awakening

If you dont want the baby, dont have it. But it has to be your choice, and any woman having kids can only guarantee one thing: that they will be happy being their kids mother under any circumstance.

Given your age, think very carefully about it. I think it makes sense to tell him, as it sounds as if he was supportive you might not go through with it.

I know that, I am actually the product of a deadbeat dad who just walked out and was never seen again. I dont have a problem imagining and accepting that could happen. Its more that I wouldnt at all be actively excited to start out doing it alone as a choice

Thank you. Yes my age is the thing that is making this very emotionally tricky because if I go ahead and terminate, I want to firmly close the door on having children. I do not want to terminate with the idea of "maybe next year".

Can I ask, why is the experience of bleeding post termination so different from woman to woman? Is that down to how late the pills are taken?

You don't know what your response will be until it happens.

I'm pro choice as it happens but don't sugar coat what this experience can be like. It's not always just an inconvenient half day out of your life. That's not to say OP or anyone else shouldn't do it. I'm just saying that doing this in secret isn't always easy.

How do you hide bleeding that can go on for an extended time if that happens?
How can you hide the emotional effect of the pregnancy hormones drain away if it hits you badly?

OP's best chance of keeping this decision private is if she knows what she may have to navigate. It doesn't happen to everyone but it can. He's going to notice a 'period' that goes on for weeks. He's going to notice a sudden bout of depression that seemed to come out of nowhere.

I neither mentioned nor didn’t mention that because it wasn’t the point being discussed.

All I am saying is that it is possible an abortion will cause emotional turmoil. It’s possible it won’t. It’s good to know that both are equally true and not to be told it definitely will or definitely won’t.

It is also true, if you insist I expand, that having a baby may be regretted and it may not be. And it may cause emotional turmoil and it may not.

I think it makes perfect sense not to embark upon motherhood knowing you’re doing it alone and wanting a supportive and excited partner.

But if your partner’s willingness and excitement is going to be the difference between an abortion and a baby, surely you have to tell him about the pregnancy and you will then know if he is excited and wanting to do this together?

If you don’t tell him, you’ll never know

He took his chances with rhythm method, he could have insisted on condoms or had the snip, this is a two of you problem. Your choice though about out come.
Being excited about being a dad is just a feeling, being committed to raising a child and all that entails is totally different. Will he still want to continue life as is now with freedoms, or do active and consistant child rearing? Maternity, will he cover bills whilst your off work? Housework? At 40 suddenly losing your identity, new living arrangements, child, oohh that's a lot, just cause a guys excited. I would be looking for a lot a big changes, quickly if he's pushing you to go ahead. Money, talk very clearly about that. Don't be a martyr, you both made a baby, you have to compromise your career, agree in advance what you both want, don't leave things to be sorted down the line.
Good luck!

Personally, I would have to tell partner before doing anything, especially if I saw a future in moving in, imagine in years to come keeping this secret. Having an abortion has haunted me, although I was very young and not in a relationship, yes it was the right thing to do for me, but it doesn’t make it any easier. At the end of the day, it’s your decision.

Well today I am seeing him and I just took another test and its negative. What's going on?!
I have felt bone crushing fatigue like ive never experienced before all week, and my period is 7 days late when its never late.
This is really stressing me out

Big red flag - in fact you couldn’t get much bigger!
It’s your choice to do as you wish but that’s completely different to not informing him.
What else would you hide?
A deal breaker for sure and if he ever found out - he would almost certainly call time on the relationship.

Could be early peri menopause?