Long friendship but uneven bill splitting is starting to bother me

[ForeverTheOptomist]

I'm talking here about a friendship, and a friendship that I have had since primary school, so about 45years. We had been through life losing contact at times, but are very close again now. I do value her friendship.

I just want to ask how people are about bill splitting? I am happy to cover my side of everything, but I find that it is me picking up the bill too often. So I'll buy first drinks (£24 - London). She'll buy a round. Then I buy another. Then we go home, So I end up paying out nearly £50 for four drinks, and she pays out £24 for two. This isn't an isolated case, and the scenario is boringly monotonous.

Last week she came for drinks at my house. She was dropped off by her hubby, and arrived empty handed. Not the first time. We had a bottle of champagne (a birthday gift from another friend) that was in the wine rack, and the best part of a bottle of SB. That I had bought.

I'm going to touch on our finances, and different states. Sometimes she say that she's broke. She owns AirB&B properties, a business, a brand new top quality German car. She goes on foreign trips sometimes in excess of 3 times a year, long haul. I, meanwhile, do not. I have a night out once or twice a month..

I just wondered what people's thought were, apart from the fact that I'm perhaps being a bit of a mug?

Just say your turn (for next drink)
If she says i dont want another say but I do your turn.

If she says shes broke just say so am I
Oh and get cheap drink in if she visits.

That’s why she has tons of money. Taking the piss out of friend like yourself.
Not nice

Let her get the first round. Then you get a round and she'll get the next.

I have a friend who drinks like a fish. It really pisses me off splitting the bill 50/50 when she's had 3 £11 glasses of wine vs. my one soft drink. I just say I'll pay for what I've had. No shame.

I dont understand your poll 😩 but just tell her imo

Be blunt but be clear that you love her xx

If this is a repeated pattern of her being a cheeky fucker I would just be blunt. "Will you get that third round Emily? It's usually me so let's change this for a couple of years?"

Yes sadly you need to manage her.

It’s very boring, tedious and even disrespectful - is it even worth continuing the friendship?

Can you make sure she buys the first round?

1. Let her get the first round. Even if you have to sit on awkward silence until she does it.
2. When she turns up empty-handed at your home, squash and tea are on the menu.

This, although I won’t be surprised if you don’t buy the first round she says “will we just get our own?” Hopefully she does then that’s your stance for the future!

Why not just buy your own drinks? Buying a round, means that you have no idea when someone is going to stop and inadvertently one person ends up paying more. Forget all that mess. Buy your own.

She knows that she is doing but thinks you don't mind. Comfortably off people don't always appreciate or understand the thin line between those that are just about managing and the squeezed middle line . Just tell your friend that your and your husband are tightening your belts for holiday/ retirement/ X project so you are watching your expenditure and want to check she's happy to with 50:50 splitting jn future. If she fanes shock or surprise, just say you hadn't given the cost of your girls nights out that much thought, but, given your new found circumstances, you want to make sure it's manageable and agreed going forwards.

I have friends for 45 yrs also. Primary thru uni and now. I deeply value these friends.

I am always the first at the table to say to wait staff…
Can you do separate checks?
say it once just once and it becomes very very easy. There are always dynamics at play…two are sisters one is very recently separated heading to divorce one is most likely to pay altho she doesn’t have more money. I have the harder but higher paid job than all of them but 2 of them drive much more expensive cars. One has her husband’s wealth underpinning her lifestyle. There are always dynamics and they don’t matter.

I feel much better much more comfortable going out knowing I am only paying for what I choose to eat and drink. I also think it never really ever works out fairly when you check split or do rounds.

I think for third round just do your own or ask her to pay because you did last time…do you go to hers ever? If not ask her to pick up a bottle of x and a pizza on her way to share. Set new patterns without a big talk unless she questions it.

Thank you all. Very helpful thoughts and ideas. I like the idea of setting the bar to start with. Also just blatantly asking her to pick up a bottle of wine on her way.

This evening I'm seeing a friend who is the direct opposite, who I have to fight to pay my way. It's a funny old world.

Alternate who gets the first round - surely if she’s a good friend you say ok I got the last round so your turn first…. If she’s offended by that she’s not a good friend.

Although my friend and I of 20+ years just don’t do rounds - someday she drinks more some days I do sometimes your own drink works out best.

How often do you actually socialise with her and this crops up?

When I go out with my friends we all just buy our own. If anyone asks me I if I want a drink I just say that’s what I’m doing. As long as you’re clear about it should be ok? Maybe just say it’s getting expensive and easier to buy your own. It costs so much these days, 2 can be over £20 depending on what you have.

Loads of strategies for ensuring she gets the first drink:
Oooh I’ll grab that table, can you get me a Cosmopolitan please?
As you both approach the bar / peruse menu nip to the loo, letting her know what you’d like as you go
Be direct: “how many rounds are we going to have? Shall we get one and a half each?”

Real friends and decent people don't do this.

The stark, unfiltered, and unpalatable reality is that you're being 100% rinsed systematically. I'm sorry, but you are. You're allowing her to get away with it. Nothing'll change until you do or say something.

'Go on Susan, you get the first round in!'

Job done.

No need to sit in awkward silence. Simply say - why don't you get the first round in this time? If she gets the hump with that, she's not a friend. Your hosting is your own look out tho. Soon as you saw she'd not brought anything, you needn't have cracked out the champagne. One bottle of wine then soft drinks and if any complaints - sorry, I thought you'd be bringing a bottle. Communicate without fear.

I wouldn't discard the friendship over that unless she's a nightmare in other ways. It's selfish of her but she may have become used to the balance of things and not be thinking too much of it. But I would (i) Suggest you each buy your own drinks on a night out and (ii) If she's coming round, ask her to bring a bottle and/or have cheaper wine in the house to avoid opening your expensive champagne.

Things will only change if you force the changes. Get those big girl pants on.

What was that old song? "First out of the taxi and last into the pub..."