Regretting cutting off my sister in law after hurtful comments

[DaringMember]

Feeling very down.

I am 7 months PP and cut off my sister in law (who had a second baby last week) after things built up for a while, but there was one moment a few weeks ago during a family function where she said some very unkind things about my birth that really tipped me over. I felt belittled and dismissed in a way that stuck with me more than I expected. At the time, it didn’t feel like a small thing, it felt like a pattern, and like I was always the one swallowing it.

So I pulled back to protect myself, and it turned into fully cutting contact. I told ber I was doing so and she accepted it. At first it felt like relief, like I was finally not putting myself in situations where I’d feel small or upset.

But now… I just feel a lot of regret and sadness about how final it’s become. It’s affected the whole family dynamic, and I hate that. I keep thinking maybe I should’ve handled it differently, or at least left the door open instead of shutting it completely.

The hard part is I still don’t feel like what hurt me was “nothing.” I’m not suddenly okay with how I was made to feel. But I also don’t know if cutting her off entirely was the right call long-term.

I don’t know if reaching out would actually help or just make things worse, especially after such little time. And I don’t even know what I’d say without either downplaying my feelings or making it into a bigger thing again.

Has anyone managed to rebuild something after it got to this point? Or figured out how to sit with the regret if you chose not to?

I completely disagree.

Yes I understand you have been unwell but your attitude has been aweful and you won't just admit that to her. And say your truly sorry. Youve caused issues but your blaming her.

That's not SILs fault though.

You are your own person and I think a lot of SILs apparent comments have been blown out of proportion by your head.

That’s not how it came across on your last thread and that’s not what has happened regardless.

You wanted no contact or information about her of the baby she was having. You wanted to ‘cut her off’. Now she is cut off and that’s probably for the best for both of you. Your child won’t have those people in her life but that’s OK.

Good morning op how are you feeling today?

do you think you can take it one step at a time. Maybe today decide not to use chat gpt. Just for today?
maybe make a pact with yourself that you will set some time to think about your sil and then stop thinking about her and do other things, so maybe say I will sit down between 10am and 10.15 and think about my sil. Then I promise to myself I won’t think about her again till tomorrow. And when she comes in your head force yourself to stop, maybe force yourself to think of all the good things you’d like in your life, maybe out to lunch, a walk, reading a good book

im sure you want to get better, you don’t want your life reduced to sitting talking to a computer program about your sil.

I have read your threads, and as said earlier it’s clear what happened has evolved in your mind. I think your sil was trying to support you that night, explain to you it wasn’t your doing, your fault. And it was you who was saying about what happened and your feelings on it. And this is why no one is cutting her off, as others witnessed it. Can you talk to your husband, ask him to tell you what happened?

you also need to really reconsider and go back on the medication. You want a bright and fulfilling life, and not just have it reduced to an obsession with chat gpt and your sil. So maybe not today, but one day at a time, make a plan for recovery.

I remember your other thread. You were really angry she spoke about childbirth when she was heavily pregnant and blamed her for your birth not being smooth because she told you to go to the hospital. You claimed she said some hurtful things but it wasn’t clear if she actually said that or that’s what you understood the implication to mean. You also wished some horrible and nasty things on her.

And now you have told her you don’t want anything to do with her and she’s respected that and you’re complaining again. Of course I would affect family dynamics and seeing as you’re not providing reasonable reasons for going NC, family will see you as the difficult one and offer more support to her.

Going NC isn’t always permanent and relationships can be rebuilt, but seeing as you resent and dislike her so much, what is it that you actually want from her.

You sound really unwell and fixated on this poor woman she's allowed her own birth story and you need help

That is why you need counselling and medication. Did you have a debrief with a specialist hospital midwife as part of your treatment? If not your gp can refer you. Forget sil for now, focus on yourself, your baby and your dh. Your relationship may become cordial in time but blaming her for how you are currently feeling is not helpful. Your dh and bil could still meet with dc in future , if needs be, but your dc is a long way from benefitting from any such contact so no need to worry about that now. Are you able to find an activity or group to attend with your baby, getting out for a walk might help your mh.

And your SIL has had big events happen recently in her life, people don’t always have to consider you first you know. Your issues don’t trump everyone else’s.

Sort your own life out and be happy, then you might not fixate on and be jealous of others. Get help.

If only it were that simple. A walk to cure crippling depression.

Yes i know im a horrible person
Im just so traumatised and suffering
She rubs in how perfect her life and babies are and it does hurt

No, I don’t think she does "rub it in". That’s your perception, caused by your illness.

Yes, exactly.

And no one is suggesting you're a 'horrible person', @DaringMember -- just that your illness is distorting your perception of people and motivations in a way that's possibly very difficult to be around.

I don't think they are saying a walk will cure your depression. Rather that staying inside ruminating online about your SIL will make it worse.

This is all fixable OP. Focus ok getting well, then if you want to restart your relationship with your SIL just say sorry, i was really poorly and was lashing out at people around me, can we sort things out

It's not that simple, no. But at least here you recognise that you're suffering from a psychological illness.

No one else can cure you of this, OP. It involves acknowledging the problem, engaging with MH support, therapy, medication etc. Above all, focusing on your own recovery and admitting to yourself that your obsession with your SIL is a symptom of your illness. It may well be that it was the right decision to step back from contact with her for now, regardless of the consequences for family dynamics. Either way, focus on yourself, on your recovery, and on bonding with your baby.

You don't see her, so you're only imagining this, I think.
Please start taking your medication again.

Except she doesn't it's your jealousy and unhappiness making you see things in that way. You're also not a horrible person you are ill and need help. Leave your SiL alone and focus on yourself.

It's only upsetting for you because it cuts off access to your unhealthy obsession.

I would have absolutely nothing to do with my own sister if she spoke about me like you speak about this poor woman, let alone a SIL.

You'll feel lost now and will have to channel your hatred somewhere else.

Well, or recognise that her obsession with her SIL is a symptom of her illness, and focus on herself rather than obsessively focused elsewhere.

Yes, there are two women's mental health to consider here and the SIL would be wise to look after her own.

OP, can you tell us what you're doing to support your recovery?

I have a whole perinatal team i see weekly- psychiatrist, psychologist and nurse. Also do peer support programs and bonding attachment courses with baby.

Poor woman? Look at how she treated me

And have you been taking the medication they prescribed?

I'm sorry you feel she treated you badly.
How is your little boy doing now?