Regretting cutting off my sister in law after hurtful comments

[DaringMember]

Feeling very down.

I am 7 months PP and cut off my sister in law (who had a second baby last week) after things built up for a while, but there was one moment a few weeks ago during a family function where she said some very unkind things about my birth that really tipped me over. I felt belittled and dismissed in a way that stuck with me more than I expected. At the time, it didn’t feel like a small thing, it felt like a pattern, and like I was always the one swallowing it.

So I pulled back to protect myself, and it turned into fully cutting contact. I told ber I was doing so and she accepted it. At first it felt like relief, like I was finally not putting myself in situations where I’d feel small or upset.

But now… I just feel a lot of regret and sadness about how final it’s become. It’s affected the whole family dynamic, and I hate that. I keep thinking maybe I should’ve handled it differently, or at least left the door open instead of shutting it completely.

The hard part is I still don’t feel like what hurt me was “nothing.” I’m not suddenly okay with how I was made to feel. But I also don’t know if cutting her off entirely was the right call long-term.

I don’t know if reaching out would actually help or just make things worse, especially after such little time. And I don’t even know what I’d say without either downplaying my feelings or making it into a bigger thing again.

Has anyone managed to rebuild something after it got to this point? Or figured out how to sit with the regret if you chose not to?

I saw her up until she gave birth. And always bragging. Then even in the announcement message. I feel sick she knoes the details of my traumatic birth then 12 hours after hers just announces oh out in 2 hours with no epidural. Didn't go to the hospital until last second.

Not good. It a girl.
Marfans syndrome possibly. Just not the baby i picturec. So ugly compared to sil babies too.

Yes, poor woman.

You are obsessed with her but you can't see it due to your illness, but that doesn't make her any less of a poor woman.

She can do absolutely nothing right, including going to a wedding when she's pregnant.

Can you not see this?

I'm pretty sure that this thread isn't helping you @DaringMember

It's going the way of all the others.

Also - the thread title isn't really true, is it. You're still consumed by hatred of your SIL.

Honestly it was the going to the wedding and saying hurtful things which led me to burst into tears and ruined my night. It was the first time id gotten a sitter, dressed up and was starting to feel like myself again. Then she tore me down about my suboptimal birth.

Announcing you've given birth, even including that it went very smoothly, is not bragging.

Not hatred

Well if situations were reversed, id think twice before sharing that with someone I knew was suffering ptsd from a very traumatic birth just months earlier.

You said something along the lines of 'who even rocks up to a wedding when they're pregnant?' - Like she shouldn't have been there and then went on to put her down for 'wasting alcohol' because she wouldn't drink.

All of these things (and the fact you've literally just said your baby is 'so ugly compared to SIL's) prove that she can do nothing right.

For the sake of both of you and the whole family, she needs to keep away from you.

Then she tore me down about my suboptimal birth

What did she actually do?
What did she say?
Was it in front of a lot of people?

Yez
Details are in my first thread.

OP, respectfully, it's not all about you. She's not 'bragging' to communicate (presumably on the family chat) the circumstances of her baby's birth -- she was reassuring people she was OK. If things hadn't gone so smoothly, she'd presumably have communicated that too.

And she presumably knows the details of your traumatic birth because you told her, or because it was common knowledge in the family that you'd had a very tough time. I'm assuming everyone in the family knew you had a long in-patient stay afterwards, just because you obviously weren't at home. And that your baby is having diagnostic investigations. That must be incredibly worrying. 💐

Might it not have been precisely because of your own difficult experience that she was anxious to reassure people that she was OK?

If you're being honest, you were just hoping that she'd also had a traumatic birth, like you said in your other thread.

Op, please hide this thread, this is deeply unhealthy and your mind is not well. You know this. You also know your whole focus is on your sil and perceived slights which didn’t happen not as you see them. You know this deep down. I suspect you also know she was trying to support you and it was you who was saying how your felt about your birth. She is allowed to talk about hers. You’re also saying terrible things about your baby.

you need to speak to your crisis team. And you need to step away from this thread and chat gpt. You are spiralling and evolving what happened to fit your narrative.

Oh I'm so sorry.
For some reason, I thought your baby was a boy, so apologies.

The Marfan Syndrome is only a possibility ATM so you're getting upset about something which hasn't yet been diagnosed. But I can understand your anxiety.

I'll have a look back.

I'm sorry you see your daughter as ugly, compared to your SIL's babies.

I think we should stop asking questions about the SIL. We can all see that SIL is not the main issue here, regardless of what was said or not said, and it's just encouraging OP to ruminate.

Frankly I think the thread should be deleted by @mnadmin (not sure if that’s the right name) and possible the earlier thread too. OP is clearly very unwell and the thread is doing her no good at all.

I agree people have to stop engaging here, it is not helping the op. There is no way any of us can help the op, the only thing we can encourage her to do is engage with her medical team, take her medication, and try to understand her mind is unwell so her perception of reality Is off. She needs to focus on getting better.

everyine needs to stop engaging on anything else.

No of course it is not a cure. You are going through a long term mental illness, but you need to make some start to help yourself especially having stopped medication and avoiding your gp. It is sad you feel your baby is ugly, it was not the birth you had imagined nor do you have a baby you dreamed about but you do have her in your life and need to make the best of it. You have a right to feel disappointed but it was not your fault nor is it your sils. Seeking professional help with your mh to overcome your trauma and be in a better place to care and advocate for your baby needs to be your focus. Take each day and one step at a time.

But OP if you really feel like that why are you upset that you are having the no contact/ break of contact you asked for? I think you should really look at this question, because if she is the monster you are making out, surely you would be relieved to have cut things off? The fact that you are not does suggest that this fixation/hatred of her is serving a mental purpose for you here, that you need to have a target for your anger and pain. Which also suggests it isn't very rational.

It is difficult to know exactly how things happened, and I do agree with a PP's suggestion that you should talk to your DH/others there about what they remember, but I can easily see a situation where her talking about her experience could be taken by you as rubbing it in. Or talking about how CS affects breastfeeding etc (true, I had one, i struggled to feed, but my baby was fed and I don't care what anyone else thinks about birth methods). You seem so fixated and jealous of her that her mere existence and that of her babies is painful to you. That is unfair. Going by the dates on your previous threads about her, she has had a baby what, a few days ago? That is a vulnerable time for any mother, not just one that has had a terrible birth experience (and I really am sorry for you for that).

I would also think about the possibility she might well have become aware of these threads, there are a lot of them and there is quite specific detail. If that is the case then you've now said way more and worse things about her. She's a human being too.

I really would give meds another go, I've been on sertraline for years and it's massively helped me particularly with clarity of thinking. When you're in this state you can't see the wood for the trees, and you need that clarity to help you claw your way out of this. Which you will, I promise.

But it's hugely unfair to expect her not to talk about her own experience at a gathering of family when she's just given birth. Especially as your birth was six months ago. I mean, you might say it was a little insensitive of her if it was just you two having a one-to-one, but it was at a relative's wedding with lots of people present according to your last thread. You've chosen to take offence when you can't be sure any was meant.

I think OP has created a version of events in her own mind. I don't mean that critically, I just think she's very, very unwell.

I would bet money she does not rub anything in!!

That is YOUR response to trauma/envy etc.