Regretting cutting off my sister in law after hurtful comments

[DaringMember]

Feeling very down.

I am 7 months PP and cut off my sister in law (who had a second baby last week) after things built up for a while, but there was one moment a few weeks ago during a family function where she said some very unkind things about my birth that really tipped me over. I felt belittled and dismissed in a way that stuck with me more than I expected. At the time, it didn’t feel like a small thing, it felt like a pattern, and like I was always the one swallowing it.

So I pulled back to protect myself, and it turned into fully cutting contact. I told ber I was doing so and she accepted it. At first it felt like relief, like I was finally not putting myself in situations where I’d feel small or upset.

But now… I just feel a lot of regret and sadness about how final it’s become. It’s affected the whole family dynamic, and I hate that. I keep thinking maybe I should’ve handled it differently, or at least left the door open instead of shutting it completely.

The hard part is I still don’t feel like what hurt me was “nothing.” I’m not suddenly okay with how I was made to feel. But I also don’t know if cutting her off entirely was the right call long-term.

I don’t know if reaching out would actually help or just make things worse, especially after such little time. And I don’t even know what I’d say without either downplaying my feelings or making it into a bigger thing again.

Has anyone managed to rebuild something after it got to this point? Or figured out how to sit with the regret if you chose not to?

I remember your previous thread and whilst (from what you’ve said) your SIL has said some unkind things, you’ve chosen to go NC so stop obsessing about her and leave her to it. Concentrate on your baby and getting well because you’re clearly not back to having a settled MH situation right now.
I’d be interested to hear the SIL’s version of events.

Genetics or luck? If you’re actually right and your baby has some genetic illness, how you gave birth doesn’t matter at all.

Oh goodness I remember your other thread OP.

It seems you're upset now that she was fine with you cutting her off.

But in all honesty, I can't say I blame her.

Far too much drama.

I also had PND after my first baby, and I remember obsessing for ages over her name. I regretted it, hated it, would compare my baby to other people's babies and feel so worried and upset if they were 'better' in any way. Now she is older I look back and feel sad for myself. I love her name and recognise that I was just unwell. And all the children in her class are good at some things, not so good at. others and I couldn't care less. I love her for the little human she is, her strengths and achievements bring me joy, and I feel fiercely protective of her and couldn't care less about anything she can't do or isn't as good at. She is a person who came from me. And there is no way at all of telling which children were breastfed/bottlefed/c-section/vaginal/walked early/walked late. No one gives a shit. A friend's autistic son who was poorly after birth is extremely talented at music. All babies are unique and special.

You will get there, too. Even if your DD has a genetic condition and her own challenges, you will feel sorry for all the other women in the world that they didn't get your daughter, who is clearly the best child in the world 😉

Why can't you just accept that you had different birth experiences and instead of obsessing about hers, think about the fact you have a gorgeous baby who needs you to be well and happy and focused on them?

Having or not having a c-section doesn't guarantee children will or will not be healthy. I had 2 c-sections and two healthy babies, of course many others have had vaginal deliveries and sick kids. Also not being sick doesn’t make a child "better." Each is there own unique little person! I sympathise with your trauma. I still have PTSD from my horrible traumatic birth 7 years ago. but I am finally getting mental health help and I found the birth of my second child very healing even though on paper it was the same (attempted vaginal birth, emergency cesarean). After my first was born I was horribky anxious, felt like i failed somehow & was also fixated on every little problem he had. I remember crying hysterically because he had bad nappy rash! It's not our fault . It's just a bad thing that happened to us. There are lots of birth trauma forums and groups out there that will show you you're not alone. It's so, so common, sadly. But it can get better.

Thanks but I guarantee ill never feel that way.

So you think SIL right. We were tricked into intervention cascade?

Please stop. You're incapable of listening to @Preppyprepper wisdom yet jump on the chance to feed these unfounded conspiracy theories. It won't help.

Come on OP, you have some funny ideas about this women so she's never going to be able to get anything right.

You thought she shouldn't have gone to a wedding when she was pregnant because 'It was a waste of alcohol' 🙈

No I don't think that. I think birth is risky, and things can go wrong. And thanks to modern medicine, the doctors and midwives saved your life and your babies life. And I think it is understandable to be traumatised by the experience, but you need to focus on healing and living your life again.

I promise you, you will feel better than you do now. You will enjoy life again. And I also think that medications like sertraline, while having u pleasant side effects, can make you feel a lot better. Why don't you take some medication for the next 6 months and then stop, to see if that makes you feel better? They are medium term medications and they take a few months to properly work. It's sounds like you feel pretty awful right now, feeling better with some side effects would be preferable, and you don't have to take it forever

Your poor baby, she doesn't deserve that.

2 days ago you started a thread saying you were paranoid that your baby wasn't healthy and that you can't stop thinking there's something wrong with her. I don't understand?

If that's the case, combined with her comments on this thread, I think it's clear OP needs psychiatric support way above what anyone on MN can provide.

Maybe you've not seen all the posts/previous threads but this OP is vulnerable and what she says is not necessarily to be taken at face value. The baby is okay and being looked after.

That is not what the poster said at all.
Read what she wrote again.

I don't think you do want to build bridges with your SIL.

You're still very upset with her. Very, very angry.

I don’t think it is a good idea to keep going over this on MN. You’ll end up ruining the family completely because you are following the “advice” of strangers who only have your one sided story

I do agree @DaringMember that all these threads about your baby and delivery aren't helping you at all.

Youre obsessing and reading into everything. I’ll bet your SIL has a very different version of events!

I'm sure that's true.
Are you out of hospital yet, OP?

It's not fair to say the SIL is obviously in the wrong. The OP clearly has an unhealthy fixation on her SIL (even complaining about her attending a wedding while pregnant), so I'd take the OP's story with a pinch of salt.

I have read the previous threads and I do know what you mean, but I also think OP is capable of seeking help but doesn't want to and would much rather continue this SIL obsession, at the detriment of her feelings towards her baby.

Here's what the OP said about her SIL attending a wedding when pregnant:

She could have completely stolen the brides thunder as it was a rural destination far from any hospital
She ate so much food, didnt drink and spent entire time talking about herself
I find that odd

People reassuring the OP that her SIL did something wrong aren't helping. The "unkind" comments may have been entirely fabricated by the OP, or maybe just examples of her snapping after being repeatedly harassed.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Okay, but if you've read that someone with PND issues has thought of taking their own life, then getting into 'poor baby' territory doesn't seem a wise move.

Agree, this includes the cascading of the sil apparent nastiness the more the op posts

So your response to someone who said no contact would be to send flowers and an apology? Trampling their boundaries because you think it’s what you should do??