Regretting cutting off my sister in law after hurtful comments

[DaringMember]

Feeling very down.

I am 7 months PP and cut off my sister in law (who had a second baby last week) after things built up for a while, but there was one moment a few weeks ago during a family function where she said some very unkind things about my birth that really tipped me over. I felt belittled and dismissed in a way that stuck with me more than I expected. At the time, it didn’t feel like a small thing, it felt like a pattern, and like I was always the one swallowing it.

So I pulled back to protect myself, and it turned into fully cutting contact. I told ber I was doing so and she accepted it. At first it felt like relief, like I was finally not putting myself in situations where I’d feel small or upset.

But now… I just feel a lot of regret and sadness about how final it’s become. It’s affected the whole family dynamic, and I hate that. I keep thinking maybe I should’ve handled it differently, or at least left the door open instead of shutting it completely.

The hard part is I still don’t feel like what hurt me was “nothing.” I’m not suddenly okay with how I was made to feel. But I also don’t know if cutting her off entirely was the right call long-term.

I don’t know if reaching out would actually help or just make things worse, especially after such little time. And I don’t even know what I’d say without either downplaying my feelings or making it into a bigger thing again.

Has anyone managed to rebuild something after it got to this point? Or figured out how to sit with the regret if you chose not to?

I honestly think there is very very little truth in any of this but what is clear is that the OP needs proper robust support and very quickly.

There is absolutely nothing the SIL could do at this point that the OP wouldn't find some way of twisting. If the SIL had sent flowers, the OP would be raging about that as well. She's even judged the SIL for eating too much at a wedding while pregnant! What the hell gives her the right to judge?

and remember the SIL shouldn’t have bothered attending as she wouldn’t drink alcohol.

I would also suspect sil was feeling more than a bit awkward not knowing how to op will react to any attempt at reconciliation or how to be supportive, when her pregnancies and dc are ok and op’s birth experience was traumatic and baby unwell, and not able to do or say right for doing wrong. @DaringMemberhowever she behaves you are unlikely to recognise any positives while you are struggling with your mh , your dc health concerns and in this mindset. You are better off focussing on getting well, with support from your mh team, medication and counselling, to be in a more receptive frame of mind before building any bridges should it be appropriate.

I think sometimes anger is an easier feeling to deal with than sadness, anxiety or grief. Getting lost in a swirl of righteous fury feels safer, and having people confirm how evil the SIL is, who is having an easier time, brings some relief and distraction from the misery OP is trapped in. But it won't make her feel any better in the long term, which is why cutting her off (after being egged on to do this by mumsnet posters) and receiving a dignified reply back has left her confused, and looking for a way to spin it as SIL still being awful

This thread is evidence of how dangerous AI can be. I don't discuss my persona life with chatbots because I know they'll give me a warped view of the situation because they're programmed to agree with me. If someone "ruminates with ChatGPT all day", as the OP admits, they'll end up believing they're a saint and the other person is some kind of monster. In cases where someone is clearly already mentally unwell, as the OP is, this could quickly turn ugly.

I really hope the creators of these chatbots adjust them in future models to make them more balanced. But the problem is there isn't really any incentive to do so, because people will stop using chatbots if they suddenly start getting harsh criticism for them.

I'm really, really not being unsympathetic to OP's fragility – but so much it is being fuelled by this SIL obsession.

without knowing the full conversation and back story it’s difficult, however it’s her reply of not acknowledging amd putting the “apology” onto you by saying “if you’ve been offended”.

Thing is families actually rarely all get along, even blood related, no matter what programmes on tv show us. I have found the ones I don’t like I am civil to, see the least amount possible, don’t offer to do nice things, and just spend time with who I actually like. I don’t blame you for needing time apart and good for you for acknowledging as much as you don’t want to see her, it’s causing issues within the family dynamic.

Moving forward, I wouldn’t apologise, just maybe adhere that you will actually need to be at joint engagements but doesn’t mean you have to give her much time of day. Don’t apologise to her, don’t be nice or try to make friends, just talk to everyone else and if she comes over you suddenly need to check on someone / go to the toilet / get a drink….
sadly some people actually get kicks out of being horrible, you probably aren’t the only person within the family / yet.

I saw some rather unkind other posts here, again just ignore the unkind ones and read the others with helpful or proactive ideas.

I'm very surprised that given the background to this this thread is staying up. It's of no benefit to the OP at all.

I would never cut anyone off, I would just not actively make contact, attend family events and be courteous and not invest time or emotion in them. It doesn’t have to be a thing. If someone behaves poorly to me I look dispassionately at what I might have done to prompt that and either apologise and resolve to do better (has happened once in about 30 years) or decide that is a person with issues and I’ll be a bit careful around them (have a couple of people in my life like this. It helps that I work a professional job so can simply go into work mode with them ie listen and not comment.)

There is no such thing as someone’s birth being “better” than yours in terms of them being able to brag about it or it reflecting poorly on you. It isn’t something you can control, like your qualifications or your job or even to some degree your children’s achievements (like if you teach them to read or encourage them to apply themselves to music or sport ) and behaviour. It (giving birth) is what it is and you move on.

This sounds a bit disturbed to me if I’m honest. I’d recommend reading a few books about how to build and maintain good relationships with people.

You regret it because you're still holding out for the cosy family that you crave (which is completely normal and human) however this does not exist as you've shown and so allowing your SIL, or any other family member, to treat you poorly cannot give you what you really want anyway.

Read the thread. The OP has been obsessively tracking the SIL's actions and judging her for them. She even said it was selfish of her to attend a wedding while pregnant because it was "a waste of alcohol" and "detracting attention from the bride and groom". The OP is treating the SIL poorly, not the other way around.

It's also quite important for OP to understand that ChatGPT will also do this. It's well known that it consistently validates users' thoughts and tells them what they want to hear, even if they are delusional (that is not saying that OP is, just how it works, hence chatbot/AI psychosis).

It is really really unhealthy to ruminate to ChatGPT all day long, I cannot stress that enough. OP, I understand that you don't feel like these thoughts are anything to do with you being unwell, or that they are coming from a place of distorted thinking, they don't at the time, I have been there. When you are truly better, you will look back and see how out of proportion this has all become. I don't know what your SIL said, but frankly whatever it was, it should not be taking up this much space in your life when you have a small baby. That is certainly indicative of a much bigger problem.

I remember a thread yeeeears ago (I'm talking the early 2010s) where a woman was clearly obsessed with her child's teacher. She micro-analysed every time he looked at her, didn't look at her, or looked at someone else. She actually joined the PTA in an attempt to get better access to him, including longer parents' evening meetings and arranging a dinner dance for the parents and teachers. It eventually reached the point where the headmistress intervened and asked the OP to direct all questions about her child to her from now on.

Some posters were actually telling the OP that the teacher was in the wrong for "leading her on". Worse, a few were trying to convince her that he probably did fancy her and was playing hard to get. It was painful to read, because the last thing this woman needed was further encouragement, especially given that she already had a conviction for stalking her ex. She later started sleeping with the school janitor, who ended up having to call the police on her due to stalking.

Absolutely this. Anyone in doubt, do an AS of this op and see how SIL’s comments get worse and worse with each retelling.

My view is that op, who has previously been sectioned, is extremely unwell and posters need to be very careful not to endorse her version of reality which seems far from the truth.

This sounds dangerously like erotomania. It's a real, documented condition. And lives have been ruined because of it.

We all have a responsibility as to how we interact with those posters who are clearly very vulnerable. The thread you've quoted is a good example of an occasion where this didn't happen - and from another perspective it's equally jarring to see some posters encouraging women to remain in DV situations in which they are obviously at risk. Objections are usually variations on the theme that 'LTB' is MN's first recourse and that we're all man-haters who thrive on breaking up other women's families. Meantime, there's a real human being in a vulnerable situation behind those pixels. When still in the FOG or boiling-frog scenario it's very difficult to see things clearly, especially when people are throwing around such conflicting advice.

I do think, in this instance, that given this situation OP and SiL are better off away from one another until OP has addressed her own health issues. That's an essential priority. Her family are probably very worried about her as it is.

OP - I hadn't read the point about ChatGPT but this programme is absolutely not your friend. There's a recent media conversation as to whether AI programmers should be held legally culpable for advice given by bot which has led to tragedy. Generative AI can mess with your head, and do the absolute opposite of giving you the clear objectivity of vision which can only be provided by your own recovery.

Please, if you take no other advice from this forum to heart, stay away from it.

Yes, this is one of the problems with online forums. People whose perception is skewed by mental health problems can end up having those perceptions validated by a bunch of strangers who don't know the full picture. And chatbots are even worse, because they're programmed to tell you what you want to hear so you'll keep using them.

I am sorry that you are still struggling so much. But as many PPs have said on this and your previous threads, you have invested far too much energy into viewing your SIL as the agent of your distress. This intense focus on your SIL is misplaced and will not benefit you in any way.

TBH I don't think you are a reliable narrator of your interactions with her. Not that you are consciously lying, simply that you are too unwell to perceive events in any way that deviates from the narrative you have decided on. For instance, you write of your SIL talking about her experience of giving birth, "She had nothing to fear and was smiling while talking, cause she could see my distress." Perhaps she was smiling because it was a happy memory for her? Why would you assume that it had anything to do with you at all, much less that she had such a malicious motive?

On another note, you wrote, "I ruminate to chat gpt all day long, and then I ask him to help me write a forum post." For one thing, ruminating to ChatGPT all day long is extremely unhealthy. It can send you into a downward spiral and it's designed to validate everything you already believe. But it's also a bit troubling that you refer to it as "him." ChatGPT isn't a person. If you view an AI tool in those terms it indicates another skewed perception of reality.

I really think you need to follow the sage advice on this and other threads. Concentrate on what is truly important: your mental health recovery and bonding with your baby. Please engage with all the mental health services you have access to and be honest with them about your feelings towards your baby. I wish you nothing but the best.

Having read this and your other threads - I think you need to leave it with your SIL for now.

if I read correctly you’re about ten years older than her - putting her in her early twenties and she’s just given birth to her second child very recently.

You are not well, and frankly it’s not on her to have to deal with that. I think you need to be really open with your DH around how you are feeling, the ChatGPT stuff etc so that maybe he can support you and help you to engage with your MH team in a way that works better for you.

Yes there have been multiple threads about this.
I mean this kindly OP, but I think you would benefit from some professional help or counselling. You are projecting an awful lot onto your SIL.
I think you need support to unpick the issues around your traumatic birth and move forward. This must be incredibly difficult for your DP and wider family.

OP you need to get off chatGPT with this, like PP said it's not healthy and it's not a replacement for real treatment for your mental health. Keep going with the psychiatric treatment and focus on your own recovery and not your SIL.

No, you were not tricked. The cascade of intervention is unfortunate, but it's just that. Bad luck. I understand being angry. I was so, so angry at the medical professionals who treated me uncaringly during the worst time of my life. It's just a job to them, and some people are good at their job, and some are not. Or maybe they had a bad day. Or maybe it was unfortunate circumstances and they did the best they could. Either way, you can't control other people. I hope you are talking with the perinatal mental health team who can validate your feelings and then help you move on. I know it took me about a year to get back on an even keel. One thing that helped me is to think of it as challenge overcome. Nobody gets through this life without some kind of musfortune, pain or trials. Nobody. For whatever reason, this was my trial. It's not what I would have chosen, but I overcame, and in the long run, it made me stronger.

if I read correctly you’re about ten years older than her - putting her in her early twenties and she’s just given birth to her second child very recently.

I hadn't realised there was such a big age gap between the OP and her SIL. I'm not normally one of those people who defaults to "dislike = jealousy", but I wonder if envy of the SIL's youth might be a factor here. It would explain why the OP criticised how much food her SIL ate at the wedding - she wants to find something "unattractive" about her.

You seriously need help. Where is your DH in all this? What is his view and what is he saying about your situation with his sister?

OP has decided to stop taking the medication prescribed by her psychiatrist, so she's not engaging with them at all.